# Cutting him off: No more sex until after we're married **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 24, 2009, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792 "2009-11-24T16:56:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/121 "2009-11-25T15:34:24Z")
Way to backpedal, sweetcheeks. Your hostile comments in your recent posts make it hard to believe that you are telling the whole truth about your intentions and attitudes. Instead of accusing us of being slackers who read the Dope instead of working, how about thanking us for taking the time to reply. And you are guilty beyond a reasonable doubt of selective reading. You said: > [@Serenata67](#): > > ITo be honest, it took almost a full page before anyone really started addressing the quesitons I put in the OP. I asked questions and got derision and drivel. Excuse me? My first post is #11. Here it is again for your reference: > [@Green\_Bean](#): > > What is sex to you? > > Of course it feels good, but other than that: > > Does it relieve stress? > Does it help you feel closer to your partner? More loved? > Does it help to smooth over any minor (or major) disagreements or friction that you’ve had recently? > Does it help you support and and take care of one another? > Does it take your mind off of things that may be bothering you? > Does it remind you that you and he are a team, and that you’re each other’s first priority? You two against the world? > > If any or all of those things are true… > > Why the HELL would you think about not having sex during what will be an extraordinarily stressful month, and a month where all sorts of issues might pop up between you? > > And “cutting him off?” I hope you were just making an attempt at humor, because it’s disgusting for one spouse to deny sex to the other in order to achieve some sort of goal. > > I really think you ought to think carefully about your attitudes toward sex and how they might affect your marriage over the long haul. How is that drivel. And where is the derision? I even acknowledged that you might have used poor phrasing that did not accurately convey your genuine feelings and intent. > [@Serenata67](#): > > Thank you all who gave constructive, helpful and insightful comments. Except for those of us on the first page? :dubious: > [@](#): > > And those of you who are clearly so bitter about the topic, I’m sorry for you. Someone must have hurt you badly, and I apologize that I brought up such a painful topic. Thank you for your kind words. I hope that they are sincere. I’m sure many of us are speaking from a place of experience. I certainly am. We know firsthand the damage that can occur from one party taking sole control of the sex life, and also the results of marrying someone with fundamental differences in sexual attitudes. Naturally we identify with your fiance, because we’ve been victims of the type of spouse that you presented yourself as. > [@Serenata67](#): > > ETA: I do know what a nymph is. I used the word Nympho (as in short for nymphomaniac, the word commonly used to refer to a woman with a particularly high sex drive). This is the Straight Dope Message Board, not teen chat. People here know what a nymphomaniac is. Of course everyone is aware of the slang definition of “nympho,” but we are also aware of the importance of clarity in writing. Next time, if you want to say you have a high sex drive, just say you have a high sex drive. On another note: Have you ever had a Brazilian before? Been waxed at all? Because some people react really badly to waxing. I’m speaking from experience here. I’ve had my legs waxed twice, at two different reputable salons, and I still have marks from the rashes I got. And those weren’t even Brazilian waxes. So get one if you like, but you might want to wait until after the honeymoon. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/122 "2009-11-25T15:38:02Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Why assume that doesn’t include you? Because 'Mika’s thoughtful post was #6. First page. The OP specifically said, “ITo be honest, it took almost a full page before anyone really started addressing the quesitons I put in the OP. I asked questions and got derision and drivel.” Therefore, **Anaamika** ’s conclusion that the OP didn’t consider her comments “constructive, helpful and insightful” is valid. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/123 "2009-11-25T15:41:55Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > Did I come to a negative conclusion? Possibly, but I was drawing a conclusion directly from the information presented: a unilateral decision. Well, yeah, except the information presented did not mention a unilateral decision. It didn’t mention one way or the other. Instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt, a lot of people made an assumption and then impugned her character. Kudos to the many people who at least considered that it might be a joint decision and that she is just toying with the idea. To me, that’s a much more productive way of fighting ignorance. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/124 "2009-11-25T15:42:14Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > … > On another note: Have you ever had a Brazilian before? Been waxed at all? Because some people react really badly to waxing. I’m speaking from experience here. I’ve had my legs waxed twice, at two different reputable salons, and I still have marks from the rashes I got. And those weren’t even Brazilian waxes. So get one if you like, but you might want to wait until after the honeymoon. Yes, I have had a Brazillian. I used to get them frequently, but was never particularly fond of them. I have a reputable spa that does them and I have no fears on that. Regarding the early posts, most of them either berated me or just asked more questions, like: “Why the hell would you want to stop having sex? Does sex make you feel good? Are you deciding this on your own?” That’s not advice. Those are more questions. Granted, they are questions that make you think, but they are questions, not advice. I wanted advice on specific questions and people did not start to answer those questions until much later, yourself included. And I’m out. I refuse to subject myself to this. Mods, please close this thread. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/125 "2009-11-25T15:45:07Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > How is that drivel. And where is the derision? Are you joking? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/126 "2009-11-25T15:48:33Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Because 'Mika’s thoughtful post was #6. First page. > > The OP specifically said, “ITo be honest, it took almost a full page before anyone really started addressing the quesitons I put in the OP. I asked questions and got derision and drivel.” > > Therefore, **Anaamika** ’s conclusion that the OP didn’t consider her comments “constructive, helpful and insightful” is valid. That is the problem with this board. People may post individual opinions but generally the OP gets the message of the collective, which in this case was very negative. Put on the defensive by this collective voice, she responded back in a negative way with a blanket assessment of the collective voice. Naturally everyone feels slighted! What a magical place! ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/127 "2009-11-25T15:54:05Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > Yes, I have had a Brazillian. I used to get them frequently, but was never particularly fond of them. I have a reputable spa that does them and I have no fears on that. > > Regarding the early posts, most of them either berated me or just asked more questions, like: “Why the hell would you want to stop having sex? Does sex make you feel good? Are you deciding this on your own?” That’s not advice. Those are more questions. Granted, they are questions that make you think, but they are questions, not advice. > > I wanted advice on specific questions and people did not start to answer those questions until much later, yourself included. > > And I’m out. I refuse to subject myself to this. Mods, please close this thread. If you can’t deal with these kind of comments, you may as well find another board. Your own OP raised more questions than it answered, and you are upset that you got questions? Plus – > [@](#): > > Everyone’s so freaking defensive. ?? I’ve read virtually no defensive posts here except your own. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/128 "2009-11-25T15:54:25Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > That is the problem with this board. People may post individual opinions but generally the OP gets the message of the collective, which in this case was very negative. Exactly. Now I can’t help but think “Resistance is futile.” ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/129 "2009-11-25T15:56:09Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Exactly. > > Now I can’t help but think “Resistance is futile.” Good intentions are irrelevant. Extrapolation is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/130 "2009-11-25T15:59:20Z")
We will add your cynical and negative distinctiveness to our own. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/131 "2009-11-25T16:05:01Z")
To answer the OP – I’ve never been married, and I can’t remember a period of self-imposed celibacy in any relationship I’ve ever been in. It does seem to me that if you put a lot of importance on the sex on your wedding night, you might be severely disappointed. It’s going to be an exhausting day. But I was in one relationship where, for a couple of reasons, we decided to wait for a month before our first time. It was a month of pre-foreplay. When we finally got to it… Oh my. Yes, the sexual tension we had built up had a tremendous release. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/132 "2009-11-25T16:12:42Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > Regarding the early posts, most of them either berated me or just asked more questions, like: “Why the hell would you want to stop having sex? Does sex make you feel good? Are you deciding this on your own?” That’s not advice. Those are more questions. Granted, they are questions that make you think, but they are questions, not advice. Good grief. You wrote a terrible post and your mad at people for reading it wrong. **Now** , even worse, you are mad at the folks that asked questions so they could get more info to actually GIVE you some useful advice (or even just figure out what your post actually meant). Those arent questions that make you think. Those are questions people NEEDED to know to help you. A poorly worded request for advice with virtually no supporting info is about as useless as tits on a boar hog. Should I get a new car ? Yes. No. Or maybe. Good grief again. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/133 "2009-11-25T16:15:31Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > I had to work; that’s why it took so long to get back to the post. Some of us actually work at our jobs instead of reading the Straight Dope all day. Hey hey heeeeey… Hey. Can’t I do both? > [@Serenata67](#): > > My questions were very specific in my OP. I specifically asked if it made the sex better/more special on the wedding night. I asked if anyone had experience with this. > > I did not ask for judgement, name calling or snap decisions. I asked for information so we could make a more informed decision. While I think there were quite a few rude responses to your OP and a lot of projection (hint: Someone can’t ‘withhold’ something unless you assumed it is owed to you), you can’t ask a question outside of GQ (or even in GQ) and expect nothing but clear, factual answers. Especially when it comes to sex. So all people can do is offer their own direct or indirect experiences, similar experiences or ask you more questions to clarify. And even then, no two couples have the same experience. If your SO has had premature ejaculation problems that you’ve worked through, building up to a big event may be a horrible idea. But if waiting only makes it better for you, it could be an excellent idea. The best advice is IMHO, as several Dopers pointed out, that you may be too tired or drunk on your wedding night to have good sex or any sex at all – so rather than building up to one magic, perfect night, make it about your wedding day and then start the crazy sex-filled honeymoon whenever you two are feeling your best. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/134 "2009-11-25T16:17:48Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > That PCOS diagnosis led to a real conversation about the role of sex in our marriage. We may not be able to have kids and the PCOS will, without a doubt, lead to prolonged periods of no sex due to prolonged periods. And don’t let this sour you on posting on the Dope. I love puns! ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/135 "2009-11-25T16:32:40Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > **I’m** thinking about cutting off sex for a month or so Re-think your phrasing next time. It has a pretty big impact on how people respond when they read your words. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/136 "2009-11-25T16:40:38Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I love this board, but sometimes the extreme negativity gets to me. I recently just shut it down for two weeks, and it was amazing how much my mood lifted. I’m not sure I’m happy I’m back. The cynicism here is just too much sometimes. Did not posting for two weeks make it more special when you finally did post again? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/137 "2009-11-25T16:41:45Z")
Well played, that man. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/138 "2009-11-25T16:42:21Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > That is the problem with this board. People may post individual opinions but generally the OP gets the message of the collective, which in this case was very negative. Put on the defensive by this collective voice, she responded back in a negative way with a blanket assessment of the collective voice. Naturally everyone feels slighted! What a magical place! She didn’t address the collective voice. She addressed where the specific posts that she liked started. **Billfish** summed up the problem nicely. **Tdn** –gimme a break. You love this place. You’ve just had a few too many threads backfire on you. And you, **olives** -you’ve been here long enough to know that the very fact that people will give coherent negative opinions is one of the things that make this board so valuable. I mean, have you even read other boards? Someone will post something like “I’m thinking of cheating on my husband with my boss” and get responses like “New love is so special!” or “ur a slut.” **Serenata** –glad to hear that you’ve had Brazilians before. Having that kind of rash on your honeymoon…yowch! ETA: **Ender** wins the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/139 "2009-11-25T17:14:44Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > Regarding the early posts, most of them either berated me or just asked more questions, like: “Why the hell would you want to stop having sex? Does sex make you feel good? Are you deciding this on your own?” That’s not advice. Those are more questions. Granted, they are questions that make you think, but they are questions, not advice. Apparently this comes as a surprise, but some of us ask questions as a way to request information. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2009, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792/140 "2009-11-25T17:19:13Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > Did not posting for two weeks make it more special when you finally did post again? You + Charlotte = beer [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/cutting-him-off-no-more-sex-until-after-were-married/518792.md?page=8)