# Dad has dementia. Wouldn't take to having home care. I live out of state. Advice welcome **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 18, 2023, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788 "2023-12-18T22:04:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![xtenkfarpl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/c2a13f/32.png) [@xtenkfarpl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xtenkfarpl)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2023, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788/41 "2023-12-20T20:02:16Z")
> [@aceplace57](#): > > Btw, what I did was from love but it also is legally necessary. My mom was very clever in carrying on normal telephone conversations and being reassuring. I lived 140 miles away. Echo of my experience. My wife’s elderly mother did not have any classic form of dementia, and could verbally convince many people for a while, including doctors and my wife’s older sister, that she was rational and capable. But in fact she had no short term memory at all and was incapable of taking care of herself. She was terrified of being ‘put in a home’, and was able to put up a front for a while to stave it off. Sometimes you should override what they say if you have to. I wish we had done so (and ignored BS from older sister). It would have been better for everyone, in retrospect. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2023, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788/42 "2023-12-20T20:10:31Z")
It’s frightening how quickly mild infection and dehydration can change someones personality. Someone that normally can be convinced with normally conversations turns into absolute paranoia. _You only want my money!!!_ There’s nothing that can be done. Swallow deep, bite your tongue, and ride out the storm. 🙏 That a few days of IV fluids and antibiotics brings them back to rationality. I’m thankful that a relative’s dementia wasn’t anything that I had to personally deal with. ---
**Author:** ![xtenkfarpl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/c2a13f/32.png) [@xtenkfarpl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xtenkfarpl)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788/43 "2023-12-21T14:46:22Z")
> [@snowthx](#): > > If anyone reading this later skips thru the very correct comments in this thread - this is the one of the major take-aways. _ **Not only do they not recover, they wont get any better - it only gets worse** _ - and it’s only a matter of degree and how fast. You are absolutely right. It creeps up on you insidiously… until at some point you realize you are doing a 24/7 nursing job. While all the time distant siblings and relatives think you are just dropping by every day or so for a bit of a chat to keep mom company… ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2023, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788/44 "2023-12-21T21:27:07Z")
> [@xtenkfarpl](#): > > You are absolutely right. It creeps up on you insidiously… until at some point you realize you are doing a 24/7 nursing job. My sister is just now putting her husband into a care facility (advanced Huntington’s). He does not know yet. But after several years - including daily aides - she just can’t take it anymore. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2023, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788/45 "2023-12-24T00:06:50Z")
Hugs to your sister. I worked for a while with a woman who had early-stage Huntington’s. Her father was thought to have Alzheimer’s until SHE got her diagnosis! Thankfully, she never had children of her own. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2023, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788/46 "2023-12-24T01:47:43Z")
Sis and BIL have 3. No idea if the kids have tested. I know at least one of them is currently discussing having kids. Every one of BIL’s sibs died of it. Quite the nightmare. My understanding was that at one point he expressed an intention of starving himself - as his sister had. Apparently he has changed his mind. I imagine when he is in a facility they will just strap him into a chair and let him sit there. Ugh! ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2023, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788/47 "2023-12-24T02:06:35Z")
I don’t know about her father’s medical backstory. It’s always possible that he was adopted, or his birth father was not who everyone thought he was. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2023, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788/48 "2023-12-27T00:02:01Z")
Replying to my own post: Or, for that matter, his ancestors with the HD gene died of something else before they exhibited symptoms. ---
**Author:** ![carrps](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carrps/32/2957_2.png) [@carrps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrps)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2023, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788/49 "2023-12-28T21:42:22Z")
The sad thing is that symptoms usually don’t appear until well into or after child-bearing years. Now. you can be genetically tested. I would certainly do so before even thinking about having biological children. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dad-has-dementia-wouldnt-take-to-having-home-care-i-live-out-of-state-advice-welcome/994788.md?page=2)