# Damn Capt'n, with all his Crunchy Goodness! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 3, 2001, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174 "2001-10-03T14:03:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2001, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/21 "2001-10-03T21:36:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gatopescado \* > \*\*i’m a little pubic hair, > short and curly! > i get sticky when you come to early. > when you try to clean me, > i will shout, > “ouch, you fucking bastard!, > you just pulled me out!” > > got a million of em’! \*\* Really? A MILLION? Maybe you could get **Rue de Day** to hook you up with a franchise… ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2001, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/22 "2001-10-03T21:44:58Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **John Corrado** _ > > After about five bowls [of Apple Jacks]… Wait, was this when you were a kid, or after you decided you were too old eating Cheerios with no sugar? Man, you need to try drugs if you need that much of a buzz-on… Esprix ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2001, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/23 "2001-10-03T21:59:25Z")
There is a brilliant section of Neal Stephenson’s **Cryptonomicon** in which the protagonist discusses his masochistic love for Cap’n Crunch in vivid detail. It is one of the finest examples of writing I can think of, no kidding. Does anyone else remember what I am talking about? ---
**Author:** ![Cap\_n\_Crude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Cap\_n\_Crude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cap_n_Crude)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2001, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/24 "2001-10-03T22:08:37Z")
Then put me in your mouth instead. I’m firm, but not sharp or abrasive. Except for my personality, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Briminator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ba9def/32.png) [@Briminator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briminator)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2001, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/25 "2001-10-03T22:09:32Z")
Back when I was a little kid, there was an offer on the back of a box of the Crunch. All I had to do was send in 5 boxtops and 5$ and I would get a very cool looking (I said I was young) bright yellow t-shirt with the whole Chrunch gang on it. So of course I needed that shirt like yesterday, so I tried to see how fast I could eat 5 boxes of Crunch. I don’t think that the roof of my mouth has recovered. Motherfucking sadist bastards!!! You are fucking hurting little kids with those offers. Goddamm assholes. ---
**Author:** ![Trucido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@Trucido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trucido)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/26 "2001-10-04T03:24:01Z")
What on Earth is wrong with you people? Cap’n Crunch injures you? Well, maybe there are some folks in the world whose mouths are tough enough for things more substantial than gossamer and chamomile tea fumes. Perhaps some of us like a little substance when we eat, want a little character and soul in our food that tends to be lacking from the lukewarm gruel on which you all apparently subsist. No, mommy isn’t here anymore to chew your food for you and you should learn how to do it yourself. How do you eat Cap’n Crunch? Here’s the first clue: don’t pack your mouth full of it and then try to crush it against your soft palate with your tongue. Don’t jab yourself in the eye with the spoon, either, because that’ll hurt too. Take a good size spoonful of that golden ambrosia, so deliciously malty and perfectly crunchy, may God smile forever on that blessed seafarer, and crush it up **between your teeth**. Confused yet? Well, see, once you’ve macerated it thoroughly, all the sharp edges are gone. Trust me on this one. Now you can mash it around your mouth to your heart’s content, but you should swallow after a while. Jesus, people, I’ve eaten whole boxes of that stuff dry with nary a scratch. Hie thee to the grocery store and seek out that shiny red god of righteous crunchiness, beg, borrow, or steal a box of that wondrous manna and initiate yourself into the mystery that is Eating Cereal Without Injury. Shoot, I’ll conduct the lesson myself for a box of regular Cap’n Crunch. And look up ‘hyperbole’ in the dictionary before you start complaining. ---
**Author:** ![Eternal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecb155/32.png) [@Eternal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eternal)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/27 "2001-10-04T03:53:28Z")
Better idea: Fuck it. Peanut Butter Crunch is pain free and tastier to boot. And if this is really all just about hatin the Cap’n, Cinnamon Toast Crunch never fails ya. ---
**Author:** ![Doc\_Nickel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5fc32e/32.png) [@Doc\_Nickel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doc_Nickel)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/28 "2001-10-04T11:05:05Z")
I cannot _believe_ that this thread has gone on this long, _and_ already had a **Simpsons** reference, without somebody mentioning the episode wherein Bart eats a “jagged metal Krusty-O”. Sideshow Mel: “Krusty, that was a _real_ Krusty-O!” Krusty: (Gagging) “They’re poison!” ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/29 "2001-10-04T12:21:54Z")
Used to be that when you’d bite into a Butterfinger you’d get this soft, fiberous, cushioned crunch reeking of peanut butter and choclate. The fibers were alligned along the long axis of the bar, kinda like flavor veins (or is that vains, vivian?) that would break unevenly like the end of a shattered 2 x 4. Nowadays, the cemented confectionary sugar snaps cleanly across the bar in a single, jarring instant reminiscent of overtaxed, brittle plastic. Next thing you know, Baby Ruths will no longer be “floaties”. ---
**Author:** ![heresiarch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@heresiarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heresiarch)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2001, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/30 "2001-10-04T23:31:44Z")
Yer all a bunch of losers! Look at how you react to being hurt: “Let the milk soften it up.” “Take smaller bites.” “Eat something else.” I’m surprised nobody’s thought of the obvious: CLASS-ACTION LAWSUIT! It’s a perfect case. An “attractive nuisance”, The deep pockets of Quaker Oats, and best of all, a menace to children! Who wants to audition for the part of the tearful, indignant mother? You already know your line: “Won’t somebody _please_ think of the children?” ---
**Author:** ![Dale\_The\_Bold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/41988e/32.png) [@Dale\_The\_Bold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dale_The_Bold)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2001, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174/31 "2001-10-05T01:54:47Z")
The problem comes from the demise of the great Sogmaster. There was a great battle consisting of the Cap’n and his crunch team who battled the Soggies and their leader, the aforementioned Sogmaster. Crunchiness and sogginess used to balance each other out, but after the soggies were defeated (either killed by drying them out–I think they also disintegrated in water, or isolated on an island), there was only crunch left. As a result the formula for Cap’n Crunch cereal was forever altered and the result is a devil-in-disguise. Oh, how I’d love to see a “Return to Sogland” kind of ad campaign. You may have initiated a dopewide rush to the store for some Cap’n Crunch. Them’s good eat’n. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-captn-with-all-his-crunchy-goodness/85174.md?page=1)