# Damn, I don't want to ask a woman out over email **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 14, 2004, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731 "2004-12-14T04:30:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/1 "2004-12-14T04:30:25Z")
There is a woman in my college class who I want to ask out, but I don’t want to do it when other people we have class with are around for fear she will get embarassed. Plus I have put it off until the end of semester in case she freaks out and gets really weird on me, this way I wont have to see her again. However I dont know if i’ll get a chance to see her face to face again and I’d rather ask her out to her face. I already know this person pretty well, we’ve talked several times and she has the type of personality you can feel comfortable with (which is why i’m asking her out, its not like she is a stranger on a bus). So assuming I can’t get a chance to be in private with her should I email her and ask? I find this kinda wimpy and I figure she won’t even reply which would bother me. I can handle rejection and I think I can handle a woman freaking out and getting uncomfortable, its just when someone wont even reply that bugs me, i’d rather at least have them reject me to my face to show that I have balls and so there is some finality to it. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/2 "2004-12-14T04:46:04Z")
This can work for you. But asking someone out via email needs to be specific. This one’s almost gotta be specific. Here’s what you do. Look around campus at the flyers and shit hanging up everywhere. Find something that looks interesting this weekend. Maybe the college Troupe is putting on a play or something. Something campus related would really kick ass and make it work for you. Or maybe a club or bar is having some kind of special party or something. And Can Drive parties? Or Toys for the Needy parties? If you can find something like that, it would rock. Cause you can be like, “Such and Such fraternity is having a huge Can Drive at the local bar. I’m thinking about going because it’s for a good cause. Would you like to participate?” Hate bars? Hate clubs? “My friend is in the drama troupe and she (say SHE, it makes you way less threatning. just trust me.) wants me to go watch her play next weekend. I want to make her happy but I’m not going to sit there alone. Would you like to come? It’s at 9, so we could get some coffee or some food before we head over there” Ok… so you’re lying about the friend. No biggy. You can either pick out someone from the Playbill or tell her your friend helped with the Set design or some crap. Or, if there’s nothing going on that interests you. Try to find a particular “something” to go do. Don’t generically ask her to “do something sometime”. That doesn’t work so well in an email. Ask about a specific event. Even if it’s just: “I have off this Thursday. I really want to see Blade III. You wanna come?” Get the idea? An email invite will work. But, IMO, keep it specific. Try to pick a day that you’re pretty sure she isn’t busy. If she happens to decline because of previous commitments, that’s ok. Just be like “Ok, that’s cool. Give me a call when you’re not busy sometime.” Then leave her your number. If she calls you sometime, sweet. If not, oh well, her loss. But at least you got a response. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/3 "2004-12-14T04:47:43Z")
Don’t try to over-think it. Frankly, I would ask her out if there were people around, I don’t think it would be too embarassing. You might want to move the conversation gradually in that direction though, and just just ask her all of the sudden. If you spend too much time thinking about who will feel what if you say this or that, you lose your initiative, and possibly even your chance. You might have already had chances to ask her by now that have come and gone, don’t wait a second longer! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/4 "2004-12-14T04:55:08Z")
There is a list of social events at the college website, I should invite her to one of them. I dont know if I want to lie to her and say I have a female friend who is involved but i’m sure that would work better (I have heard more than one man who is experienced with women imply the same thing). There are a couple of art exhibits on friday and saturday on things like major social issues or war, should I invite her to one? I figure that’ll work alot better than the vague, stereotypical ‘would you want to do something’. I never got around to IMing you Nenno but I have you in my contacts list. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/5 "2004-12-14T06:11:57Z")
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever dated, I asked out via e-mail/instant messenger. I can’t recommend this method enough, especially if you get nervous and stammery when trying to ask people out face-to-face. It gives you a chance to compose your thoughts, and avoid those foot-in-mouth utterances that make you want to crawl under a rock. This works both ways, because if she’s not interested, (and she’s not a total bitch) it gives her the chance to decline the offer as nicely as possible. I very much doubt that she’ll totally ignore you, unless you’re a collossally poor judge of character to be attracted to her in the first place. Here’s what you do. Find a pretext - any pretext - to send her an e-mail. Ask about a class assignment. Let her respond. Send a second email thanking her for her reply, find some clever way of refering to something you’ve spoken about before, and then ask her out. Don’t worry about specifics. Ask her out to coffee. Coffee is a universally understood code for “I want to ask you out on a date without really asking you out on a date.” Don’t make anything up. Don’t start the relationship out by lying to her, no matter how trivial. This may be more of a personal thing to me, but that would really bother me. Anyway, you don’t need that. Who you are (whoever you are) is more than enough to attract a woman. You don’t need to make shit up to get dates. And don’t keep putting it off. If you’re going to do it, do it now. Right now. Stop reading the Dope, open up your email account, and write her. If she’s going to say no, she’s going to say no if you ask her today or if you ask her next week. The longer you wait, the more chance you give every other guy on the planet to ask her out first. Good luck, and let us know what happens! ---
**Author:** ![Emony\_Dax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Emony\_Dax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emony_Dax)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/6 "2004-12-14T14:00:29Z")
This really cute guy asked me out by email at the end of one semester. We’d been eyeing each other the whole semester but it seems we were both pretty shy. We’ve been married for 4 years now 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/7 "2004-12-14T14:04:28Z")
“Hey, ya wanna go out for coffee after class Friday?” or something like that. Always name a specific day, to give her an “out”—if she doesn’t want to go out with you, she can gracefully say she’s busy on Friday. If you just say, “Hey, ya wanna go out for coffee after class sometime?” she’s stuck. And if she really _does_ wanna go out for coffee with you but really _is_ busy on Friday, she can say, “Can’t, but how about next week?” ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/8 "2004-12-14T15:33:51Z")
Did I mention that this woman is a graduate student and my AI in my undergraduate chemistry course? We are the same age however. Sexual harassment lawsuit here I come. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/9 "2004-12-14T15:36:05Z")
sent. I’m so fucked. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/10 "2004-12-14T15:42:57Z")
Here is the text “There is an art exhibit on friday from 10-5 I was going to go to on the consequences of war. If you are done with finals and grading would you like to go with me?” I tried to give her outs and make it specific by giving her the option to say she is busy with finals or grading if she doesn’t want to go. I figure if she does want to go but really is busy she can ask me to do something at another time. Ah the stupidities of the human dance. “ill pretend I dont see this if you pretend you dont see this”. “deal”. I didn’t get a chance face to face today as she was always around people and I didn’t want to embarass her. Today was final day in Inorganic Chemistry btw. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/11 "2004-12-14T15:45:02Z")
Tons o’ luck and do keep us posted! ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/12 "2004-12-14T16:15:53Z")
What’s an “AI” for your Chemistry class? An “assistant instructor” maybe? Like TA (teachers’ assistant)? Well, if that’s the case, I hope you waited till that class was over and graded. SHE’s the one who could get in trouble for such a relationship, not you. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2004, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/13 "2004-12-14T16:28:32Z")
I was hoping that was implied by me asking her if she was done grading by friday would she like to go. I hope I haven’t put her in an awkward position, this is largely why I waited until class was over. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2004, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/14 "2004-12-15T00:27:25Z")
Well she said no (implied it at least), but at least I tried. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2004, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/15 "2004-12-15T00:44:23Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > “My friend is in the drama troupe and she (say SHE, it makes you way less threatning. just trust me.) wants me to go watch her play next weekend. I want to make her happy but I’m not going to sit there alone. Would you like to come? It’s at 9, so we could get some coffee or some food before we head over there” > Ok… so you’re lying about the friend. No biggy. You can either pick out someone from the Playbill or tell her your friend helped with the Set design or some crap. **Bear\_Nenno** gives good advice otherwise, but I disagree strongly with this part. Don’t start out by lying to her. There’s nothing wrong with: “I was going to go see \, would you like to go?” Then you don’t have to manufacture a drama-frined that could come back and bite you in the ass. And… on preview I see I’m too late. Still, don’t lie! ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2004, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/16 "2004-12-15T00:55:09Z")
someone hug me, I liked this girl’s personality alot. ---
**Author:** ![EmeraldGrue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dc4da7/32.png) [@EmeraldGrue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmeraldGrue)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2004, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/17 "2004-12-15T01:18:09Z")
:looks around: Oh man, people are cold-hearted. FWIW, I was rooting for you man. {{{{ **Wesley Clark** }}}} ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2004, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/18 "2004-12-15T01:37:14Z")
> [@EmeraldGrue](#): > > :looks around: Oh man, people are cold-hearted. > FWIW, I was rooting for you man. > > {{{{ **Wesley Clark** }}}} Thank you. Its not a huge disappointment though, probably about the same level of disappointment that someone who is a moderate sports fan goes through when their team loses a big match. Just some disappointment, after an hour or two I was over it. Asking women out via email is great, I have to try this more often. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2004, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/19 "2004-12-15T01:38:45Z")
> [@Wesley Clark](#): > > Asking women out via email is great, I have to try this more often. By that I mean its easy to ask them and they have hours to think of a response. If you ask in person you may stammer and they are put on the spot and made to respond instantly. I should use email more often for this kind of thing, even though it didn’t work out i’m sure it worked out better than it would’ve had I asked in person. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2004, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731/20 "2004-12-15T01:51:44Z")
> [@Wesley Clark](#): > > Well she said no (implied it at least), but at least I tried. Sorry dude. Would you mind copy/pasting the restonse? Maybe it’s not as bad as you think? Also, feel free to IM me anytime. I never turn on an AUTO ANSWER though, so if I don’t answer within like 5 seconds, I’m not around. But I’m not ignoring you! And the lying thing. Yeah, that’s one of those _things_. If you really, really like someone, of course you want to keep things honest and all that. However, lying is a very effective dating tool. And if you two actually hit it off, then like five months down the road you could be like “Remember that friend who’s play we went to? Well… I just made her up so I could spend time with you.” There’s this fine line between something that’s “oh so sweat” or “oh so scary”. The deciding factor is always the girls perception of the guy. If she really likes you, then she will think it was so adorable that you would go through that trouble. If she’s not into you, then she would think it was stalkerish and freaky. But that’s why you wouldn’t fess up unless she ended up really liking you. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-i-dont-want-to-ask-a-woman-out-over-email/279731.md?page=2)