# Damn prudish parents **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 5, 2003, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295 "2003-03-05T18:16:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/21 "2003-03-06T00:55:56Z")
Thanks, Sapphire Wolf, that clears things up. I don’t understand what moral ground they have for not allowing a married couple to have sex in their house. I mean, unless _they_ never had sex in the house either, and want it to be a “sex free zone”—I don’t get it. I could understand them asking you to keep quiet and be private with your hot monkey sex, as to not incite the curiosity of the 12 year old brother (who might be wondering about what all the thump-thumping, whip lashing sounds and cowboy yipees 😉 were about, and ask embarrassing questions later), but to forbid it altogether? That’s odd. ---
**Author:** ![Payne\_N.Diaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b77776/32.png) [@Payne\_N.Diaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Payne_N.Diaz)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/22 "2003-03-06T00:57:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sapphire Wolf \* > \*\* > > IMy stepdad asked what we planned on for the wedding night, > > \*\* You should have told him you were gonna stay up and play Parcheezi!! ---
**Author:** ![Sapphire\_Wolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sapphire\_Wolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapphire_Wolf)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/23 "2003-03-06T01:04:35Z")
Actually, the whole experience of my stepfather (Mr I- **Know** -Pagans-Worship-Satan-and-I’m-Against-Premarital-Sex-But-I-Want-Grandchildren-Immediately) asking about wedding night sex plans was too surreal for me to be my usual charming self. ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/24 "2003-03-06T06:37:18Z")
I went to a Christian school. People who sent their kids there ranged from the mildly to the maniacally religious. Once, two little kids, aged around eight, were caught kissing in the library. Not wild, passionate, Frenching, but just a sweet little peck on the lips. The parents were called, the kids given detention. The little girl was, unfortunatley, somewhat of an ugly ducking. Her only beauty was her gorgeous, long, blond hair. She came to school the next day with a military-regulation “buzz cut.” Her parents, she said, had cut it all off to “advertise her shame.” Freaking out about your kids and the opposite sex is cross-cultural, indeed. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/25 "2003-03-06T08:28:31Z")
Wow, all this makes me even more amazed about my MIL. One night back when **Subgirl** and I had just started dating (but had already been intimate), her mom insisted that I stay overnight because the weather was too bad for me to bike home. She set out a futon for me in the spare room, and _then_ proceeded to take Subgirl’s futon from her room and put it next to mine! We were both rather surprised, but took it as a sign of parental approval. ---
**Author:** ![Sapphire\_Wolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sapphire\_Wolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapphire_Wolf)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/26 "2003-03-06T08:41:08Z")
Don’t worry, **yosemitebabe**. I don’t think they do. My parents sleep in completely separate rooms. They had to have gotten together long enough to beget the twelve year old, but after that? I don’t think so. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/27 "2003-03-06T09:04:41Z")
Staying at my mum’s house (in the country) for the first time with my new boyfriend (she’d met him only once before) was a bit of a shock to me. Not only did she automatically assume that we would be sharing a bed, she brought us in breakfast on a tray the next morning. I was prepared to be a bit more circumspect in our behaviour, but obviously it was unneccessary. Oh, and that was over 20 years ago now. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/28 "2003-03-06T10:54:04Z")
My girl and I talked about this. We are thinking of visiting her bio-dad in Pennsylvania. We realized with a shock that he would probably tell us to **go have sex** , so at least someone in his house would be getting some. He’s an odd duck. But I like him. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/29 "2003-03-06T13:50:56Z")
**jeevmon** , is your SO’s ethnicity something other than Indian? That may be what your parents are really objecting to. ---
**Author:** ![tiggeril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggeril/32/7234_2.png) [@tiggeril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiggeril)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/30 "2003-03-06T13:56:22Z")
**jeevmon** , I feel your pain (sort of). We’re Indian too. When I left for college (a whopping three hour’s drive away, since my parents wouldnn’t let me go all the way to NYC), I was informed, before having set foot on campus, that if I was to become preggers, I had to drop out and marry the guy. I’m 2/3 of the way through my third year and I’ve yet to have a date. Score one for “effective” ethnic parenting, no? (Ahh, paranoia.) ---
**Author:** ![jeevmon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@jeevmon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jeevmon)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/31 "2003-03-06T15:29:29Z")
Thanks for all the support, fellow Dopers. For reference, **jeevgurl** is Sicilian on her father’s side, and so doesn’t tend to let slights go easily. 😃 (her words, not mine!) So, I sent **jeevmum** and **jeevdad** an email after composing my thoughts as follows: > [@](#): > > The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. So, > because even limited displays of affection make you > uncomfortable, I will not engage in such displays when we are > with you, or with other family members, or with friends of > the family. Whatever I may think of your sensitivities, > accomodating them when we are with you is a reasonable > request. > > My problem comes when you start talking about “upholding > standards” and “reputation” and your alleged “failure” as > parents. Such statements move your criticism from my > displays of affection when in your presence to the fact that > I exhibit such displays at all, whether in your presence or > not. My behavior when I am not in your presence is none of > your business. I am not going to change the whole of my > public behavior simply to suit your notions of what is > acceptable. When I am in your presence, I will defer to your > sensitivities, but out of your presence, I am my own person. > Whatever you may think of prevailing standards of morality, > minor displays of affection between men and women who are > involved are completely normal, and not perceived as signs of > insecurity. They are perceived as signs of affection, > nothing more. Ergo, when I am out in public with **jeevgurl** , or with our personal friends, we may hold hands or I may sit > with my arm around her. In other words, we are going to act > like couples do in this society. And there is a risk that > someone we know may see us. It’s a risk you’re just going to > have to live with. > > I also very much resent your claim that I have the “wrong > friends” because such minor displays as we exhibit > are routine and accepted among them. That statement is > insulting and wrong. It both suggests that my friends > are immoral and that I have flawed judgment. I am an adult > and am perfectly capable of deciding who is and who isn’t a > good person to be my friend. You have no right to insult my > friends in this fashion. > > In addition, even though you say it’s nothing to do with > **jeevgurl** , in some sense, it is, because you now consciously or subconsciously think less of her because she “tolerates” such > tenders of affection from me. And that upsets me, too. > **jeevgurl** is a sweet, caring, tolerant, devoted and wonderful woman, and I love her very much. She is the one with whom I want to build my future. And she does not deserve your > condemnation (implicit or explicit). > > Whatever you may think, you succeeded as parents. I’m a > successful professional who graduated from good schools, has > never been arrested, and who has never smoked or taken > drugs. Most other parents would think you did very well, and > would not view your achievments as diminished in any way > because I hold my girlfriend’s hand or put my arm around her > in public. > > One other thing you raised me to do was to make my own > decisions. You did not raise **jeevbro** or I to be slaves, or to > be controlled by you in the way that other Indian parents > control their children even through adulthood. We always > appreciated that. Part and parcel of that, however, is to > accept that we may make decisions or judgments that differ > from yours. It’s called independence. > > Now, I know that this email is probably upsetting to you. > But you have no monopoly on such feelings. I am upset at > what I see as your efforts to shame me, to dictate my > behavior when I am not around you, your insult to my friends, > and the implied insult to the woman I love. > > This is my final position on the matter. Because of moving > and work-related obligations, we will not be in contact for a > while. The next time we speak, I will forget that this > exchange ever happened, and trust that you will do the same. (In defense of email, it was the best way of coherently presenting my thoughts without constant interruption). That seemed to have gotten a response, though mostly along the lines of “you misunderstood what we said” and “no, we really don’t think any less of **jeevgurl**.” Not “we’re sorry we disrespected you and your friends”, but hey, it would be too much to hope for that Indian parents might apologize to their children. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/32 "2003-03-06T16:29:04Z")
Ah, the differences between different parental styles … One fine summer evening when I was seventeen, my parents came back early from a street fair downtown. Seeing my girlfriend’s car parked in front of our house, they pondered for a moment, then … Knocked. On their own front door. My girlfriend told me later that she was offended-“What did they think we were doing?” I gently pointed out that they probably thought we were doing something like what we’d been doing about twenty minutes before, at which time she would have been eternally grateful that they knocked and didn’t just come in. 😃 Still, they did have different expectations in the realm of public behavior. I got in trouble once for kissing her in the stands at a high-school basketball game. Go figure. ---
**Author:** ![tiggeril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggeril/32/7234_2.png) [@tiggeril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiggeril)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/33 "2003-03-06T17:37:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jeevmon \* > \*\* > That seemed to have gotten a response, though mostly along the lines of “you misunderstood what we said” and “no, we really don’t think any less of **jeevgurl**.” Not “we’re sorry we disrespected you and your friends”, but hey, it would be too much to hope for that Indian parents might apologize to their children. :rolleyes: \*\* I thought that was the default response? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/34 "2003-03-06T18:02:00Z")
If you think you are pissed off now, just wait until your younger siblings are making wild monkey love on the table with their SO’s and your parents do nothing. You are the trailblazer. It is your duty to piss your parents off a bit. It’s an ebb and flo kind of battle. I blazed the trail for my family, you must now blaze the trail for yours. My parents PAID for my brother and his SO to have their own hotel room on a family trip we took. My wife and I had to stay in a condo WITH THEM! ---
**Author:** ![II\_Gyan\_II](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/bbe5ce/32.png) [@II\_Gyan\_II](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/II_Gyan_II)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/35 "2003-03-06T18:14:30Z")
**jeevmon** , changing the discussion from your specific issue to a general issue, I have to wonder the reason for this prudishness in Indian culture. You would think that a country with a population of 1.1 billion (!!) wouldn’t be prudish. Looking at the _ithihasas_ like the _Mahabharata_ or _Ramayana_ as well, from where the mass of Indians derive their attitudes of _sanskar_, we have the characters of _Krishna_, a “womaniser”, the character of _Draupadi_, who had to be “shared” by the five _Pandavas_ and the element most familiar to Westerners, the _Kama Sutra_. I would think that this prudishness is more-or-less a direct result of British Victorian rule in India. Since, India’s rid of the British, shouldn’t we be rid of their (prior)attitudes as well ? Tell that to [Sushma Swaraj and Asha Parekh](http://newsarchives.indiainfo.com/2000/10/05/05asha.html). ---
**Author:** ![sunfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/96bed5/32.png) [@sunfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunfish)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/36 "2003-03-06T19:27:55Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Gyan9 \* > \*\* I would think that this prudishness is more-or-less a direct result of British Victorian rule in India. Since, India’s rid of the British, shouldn’t we be rid of their (prior)attitudes as well ?_\* **Gyan9,** when I was in Khajuraho, the guide made it a point to draw our attention to the style of clothing in the sculptures of the women… in particular, that the saris were worn draped lower on their hips, showing their navels. He then went on to say that once the Moghuls arrived, the Muslim attitudes about proper dress became dominant, and it was no longer considered decent to let one’s navel be in full view (among other things, I guess; at any rate, saris sure aren’t meant to show belly button piercings these days 😛 ). Now, I don’t know offhand how historically accurate that is, but maybe some of the prudishness goes back further than the British? Regardless of whose fault that prudishness is, though… **jeevmon,** be glad you’re not the daughter of conservative parents. Any “transgression” is so many times worse if done by a girl… yes, the old double standard is alive and well. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Ace309](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ace309/32/1050_2.png) [@Ace309](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ace309)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/37 "2003-03-07T03:06:27Z")
The former **Kristen309** and I were at her place one night watching a video. We were making out and… well, one thing led to another. We forgot there was a vent that went up to her parents’ room, so they could basically hear everything. Her parents came downstairs together, just narrowly avoiding catching me with my pants down (as it were). They acted like it was no big deal, but summoned Kristen into the kitchen. A few moments later, she came out very flushed, they each had a glass of water, and went to bed. We continued silently. Her father is one of my favourite ex-girlfriend dads ever. This has been Ace309, with the token “Y’all Be Trippin” post. ---
**Author:** ![Essured](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Essured](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Essured)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/38 "2003-03-07T04:01:06Z")
My parents were uncomfortable with my SO and I holding hands or kissing (and by kissing, I’m talking about a peck on the cheek, a granny kiss, not full-on tonsil-hockey) when we had been living together and been engaged for two years. We refrained from doing it, but over the years, it’s crept back in. We’ve now been married almost two years and I understand why my parents were uncomfortable with it. It highlighted their loveless marriage. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/39 "2003-03-07T05:28:29Z")
Assure your parents that you are not having sex with Jeevgurl. Vow that your relationship is pure and chest. Then, mention that you sate your libido by paying hijras. Ask ma and pa for a loan as you’re feeling especially randy this week. Ask if they know of a good attorney as your solicitation of hijras has gotten you in trouble with the cops. ---
**Author:** ![Sapphire\_Wolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sapphire\_Wolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapphire_Wolf)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295/40 "2003-03-07T05:40:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DocCathode \* > Vow that your relationship is pure and **chest**. Ah, the possibilities of teasing you for that. But I shall womanfully refrain. Now, if anyone else…? 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/damn-prudish-parents/159295.md?page=3)