# Dastardly Deeds, or: How to Knock Off an Unwanted Spouse **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 28, 2000, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921 "2000-09-28T20:31:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/1 "2000-09-28T20:31:34Z")
Yesterday in a buddy chat we got to talking about how much simpler our lives would be if we could just get rid of hubby and live off the insurance money. All in jest of course. šŸ˜› So, I thought, surely there are others out here who sometimes feel that way, and would like to blow off a little steam, release some stress and so on. Tell your ideas here. Have fun with them! Here are our contributions: Woman #1: I think Iā€™ll take him up to Canada during deepest winter, strip him bare naked, and leave him to die of exposure. Iā€™ll make sure that the animals will get to whateverā€™s left in the spring before his bones are found. \<_blink_ Go on, dear. Tell us how you really feel about him today.\> Woman #2: Iā€™ll just get him really drunk, take him to the back 40 of the plant where he works, and leave him to be found sometime later. By the time theyā€™d find him, heā€™d be dead from shock and/or diabetic shock, and since I never go there, no one would suspect me. Oh, yeah, Iā€™d better leave the bottles laying around too, with his fingerprints on them. \ Woman #3: I think Iā€™ll take him up into the mountains, seduce him into a stupor, and then bean him over the head with a cast iron pan. Then, Iā€™ll drag his body to where the bear trail is, and leave him to be found by the wild animals. And, I think leaving him buck naked is a nice touch too. Hmmm. Maybe I should rub some bacon grease all over him too, just in case. \ ---
**Author:** ![Vestal\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5e9695/32.png) [@Vestal\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vestal_Blue)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/2 "2000-09-28T20:39:38Z")
Hmmmmā€¦ A trio of Black Widows, I see! šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/3 "2000-09-28T20:40:45Z")
The company I used to work for had a standard life insurance policy for all employees equal to 100% of your annual salary. But if you were killed while on company business you got an additional 100% and if you were in a company car you got another 100% and, finally, if you were wearing your seatbelt in said company car you got still another 100%. So, aside from constant encouragement to use company transportation, my wife said if they ever called her to tell her Iā€™d been in a car wreck sheā€™d rush right down and buckle my lifeless body into a seatbelt. ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/4 "2000-09-28T20:49:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Vestal Blue \* > \*\*Hmmmmā€¦ A trio of Black Widows, I see! šŸ˜ƒ > \*\* So, how would you like to have 4 sexy ladies at your beck and call, my dear? Weā€™d have our own money, even! šŸ˜‰ ---
**Author:** ![Kiki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kiki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiki)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/5 "2000-09-28T20:53:33Z")
Do ex-husbands count? My life would be 1000 times better if he werenā€™t around. He only has life insurance through his job though so it would have to happen while he was on the job. Heā€™s a welder and they make bulldozer blades and stuff like thatā€¦ they weigh something like 2 or 3 tons. Maybe one of those could ā€œaccidentlyā€ fall and land on him. That would do the trick. SMACKā€¦ [sub]squish squish[/sub] šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Vestal\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5e9695/32.png) [@Vestal\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vestal_Blue)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/6 "2000-09-28T20:54:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by purplebear \* > \*\* > > So, how would you like to have 4 sexy ladies at your beck and call, my dear? Weā€™d have our own money, even! šŸ˜‰ \*\* Oooooo! Kill me withā€¦kindness! Yyeah! thatā€™s right! ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/7 "2000-09-28T21:02:09Z")
Now maybe you all realize one reason Iā€™m glad Iā€™m not married! BTW, I believe the phrase is ā€œbeckon and callā€ . . . how do you beck someone? ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/8 "2000-09-28T21:02:33Z")
ā€œIn other news, a Kansas woman was killed today in an accident at her former husbandā€™s job site. According to authorities, she was trying to remove the supports from a bulldozer blade for some unknown reason when the blade fell on her. Nearby workers said they heard a ā€œSMACK squish squishā€ sound and found her under the blade.ā€ ā€œHer former husband said he couldnā€™t imagine what she was doing at his workplace and that, although divorced, relations were cordial as he was ā€œalways thereā€ for her. ā€œShe often told me life was 1000 times better when I was aroundā€, he noted. ā€œAnd did she have any life insurance?ā€ā€ ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/9 "2000-09-28T21:06:09Z")
Youā€™re gonna catch it for that one, **punha**! It is ā€œbeckā€, and ā€œbeckā€ isnā€™t a verb in the phrase. According to Webster: ā€œat oneā€™s beck and callā€ ā€“ in obedient readiness to obey any command. The usage is similar to ā€œbeing within callā€ or ā€œat your commandā€. ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/10 "2000-09-28T21:07:22Z")
Rachell, donā€™t forget the children (you DO have at least one, IIRC) I did a bad thing and figured out what my son would get from Social Security, should his father, ummmmmmmmmmmm [Kevin Kline voice] mmmmmeeet with an accident? [/Kevin Kline voice]. It was substantially MORE than we get in child support. Damn! and I remember talking him OUT of suicide, too. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/11 "2000-09-28T21:07:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > I believe the phrase is ā€œbeckon and callā€ . . . how do you beck someone? In the spirit of fighting ignorance, if offer this [link](http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=beck). ---
**Author:** ![Vestal\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5e9695/32.png) [@Vestal\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vestal_Blue)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/12 "2000-09-28T21:19:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > \*\* how do you beck someone? \*\* Well, Paddy, first you (whisper) then you take you finger and (whisper) and when she giggles you (whisper)and once she starts moaning you (whisper) until she climaxes. Get it? ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/13 "2000-09-28T21:24:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by iampunha \* > \*\*Now maybe you all realize one reason Iā€™m glad Iā€™m not married! > > BTW, I believe the phrase is ā€œbeckon and callā€ . . . how do you beck someone? \*\* You donā€™t know how to beck someone? No wonder youā€™re not married. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/14 "2000-09-28T21:25:25Z")
VB, dear. Kindness, yep. Thatā€™s the word for it. Yep. Not that weā€™d _ever_ do anything to harm our dear Flyboy! šŸ˜‰ Rachelle, that could work, except for the obvious that pluto has kindly pointed out. Too risky for you, dear. šŸ™‚ Paddy, mā€™dear. Youā€™re too young anyway, to be thinking about marriage! šŸ˜› Thanks, pluto and KneadToKnow, for clarifying that for Paddywoo. Why, VB!!! Iā€¦Iā€¦say, what are you doing this evening? šŸ˜‰ And, since youā€™re my room mate now, youā€™ll have to show me what you mean by those whispers. No, really. I insist. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![filthy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@filthy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filthy)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/15 "2000-09-28T21:34:00Z")
The truth is, Iā€™m still kindā€™a fond of my ex. However, I find itā€™s a lot easier to be fond of her five states and a mountain range away. Before the divorce, I occasionaly consideredā€¦ Iā€™d better take the 5th on that. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/16 "2000-09-28T21:44:50Z")
Sigh. This is what I get for posting when Iā€™m doing homework. PB: my father was engaged his senior year of high school. There are dopers on here not a helluva lot older who are married. Who says Iā€™m too young? ---
**Author:** ![tradesilicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/439d5e/32.png) [@tradesilicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tradesilicon)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/17 "2000-09-28T21:50:24Z")
You are one wicked bear, Purple. Since Iā€™m worth more alive than dead, Iā€™m OK for now. But if I had to go I have a preference: Iā€™d like to go stuffed with fine food, drunk on fine wine (preferably Merlot), and worn out completely by overexersion. Yup, that would be fine. ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/18 "2000-09-28T22:44:32Z")
Aww, cā€™mon, filthy! You **have** to tell us now! Thatā€™s not fair! I wonā€™t tell anyone, _honest_.\ Paddywoo, I was engaged in high school, married at 19, and sometimes Iā€™ve wished Iā€™d waited a little while. Still wouldā€™ve married Mr Bear, but been on my own for a little longer than I was. You have your whole life ahead of you. No need to rush that. sili, you ainā€™t seen nothing yet!šŸ˜‰ Wicked, am I? Did you by chance see my room mate search thread? This is nothing. Weā€™re just talking here. Hypothetically, of course. šŸ˜› ---
**Author:** ![pipefitter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/97f17d/32.png) [@pipefitter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pipefitter)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2000, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/19 "2000-09-28T23:36:41Z")
This is getting good, giving me ideas with my soon to be ex. How about this? Going out skydiving, packing her chute (the wrong way of course), and have one last freefall together. When youā€™re ready pull your cord, watch her pull her cord, and while you gently fall to the ground, she continues her freefall! Ouch! \ ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/20 "2000-09-29T01:13:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by purplebear \* > \*\*Wicked, am I? \*\* Gone to the dark side they are, when as Yoda they start to post. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921.md?page=2)