# Dastardly Deeds, or: How to Knock Off an Unwanted Spouse **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 28, 2000, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921 "2000-09-28T20:31:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shadowfox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Shadowfox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadowfox)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/21 "2000-09-29T04:44:32Z")
My hubby has this weird life insurance where the company will only pay if he dies on the job. Every now and then, he will walk in the door at the end of the day and I’ll exclaim “Dammit, you made it through another workday!” He knows I’m kidding, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@Mr\_Bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Bear)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/22 "2000-09-29T06:28:17Z")
Mr Bear sitting in his room on the other side of the world, wondering now more than ever why PurpleBear asked SOOOOO many questions about his life insurance befor he left??? Naw she wouldn’t…would she??? ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/23 "2000-09-29T06:47:27Z")
I _knew_I should have done in my ex before the divorce was final, but noooo, I never got around to it. Let this be a lesson to all of you–don’t dither; do it! ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/24 "2000-09-29T06:54:37Z")
You have to think, “Slow and steady.” Me, I’m killing off my hubby by feeding him high-fat foods and lots of alcohol. Sure, it may take 10 years for him to kick off, but no one is gonna finger me for the deed! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/25 "2000-09-29T13:32:35Z")
I believe “company business” also includes driving to and from work, at least it does in my policy. So, all you have to do is cut the brake lines and hope he drives off a conveniently located cliff near his job…no it’s been done ok then fix the door latches so they won’t open from the inside and put a nonremovable tape in that plays “IF YOU LOVE ME BABY TELL ME NOW NOW. IF YOU LOVE ME BABY TELL ME NOW NOW” until his ears bleed and he collapses dead . …craps , it’s been done? Ok fix the gold paint spraying machine where he works to go berserk and cover him head to toe with gold paint until his skin suffocates, …what do you mean it only works if he’s naked! shit. Ok don’t do the laundry for a month until he is forced to go to work naked one day, then fix the gold paint spraying machine…Shit this is too much trouble. Just do what I always do… Uhm, I’ve heard you can hire a person called Crack Head to do the job for a nominal fee. I’m not sure where he lives but I think it’s in a rather seedy neighborhood, with his long time companion Crack Whore. They shouldn’t be too hard to find, this couple is in every movie and newspaper. They must have a really good publicist. ---
**Author:** ![Oicu812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f475e1/32.png) [@Oicu812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oicu812)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/26 "2000-09-29T13:44:11Z")
Everyone knows someone we’d be better off without Best not mention names for we know not whose about But why commit a murder, and risk the fires of Hell When Black Widows in the privy can do it just as well. Now poisons good, and daggers, and arrows in the back And if you’re really desperate You can try a front attack But are they worthy of the risk of being caught, When Black Widows in the privy Need not be bribed or bought? So if there’s one, of whom you wish Most simply to be rid Just wait till dark then point the way To where the Widow’s hid And say to them, I think you’ll find That this one is the best And Black Widows in the privy Will gladly do the rest. O * * * vidi vici veni! ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2000, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/27 "2000-09-29T18:25:33Z")
Pipefitter, m’dear. I somehow don’t think you’ll talk Mrs fitter into skydiving, but that’s a nice thought. Remind me to say no the next time you ask me to go with you. 😛 Why, Paddywoo!! I _never_! I’m not the least bit evil. Nope. Just ask BabyBlue. Hmmm…on second thought, better not ask her. :eek: Shadowfox, are you _sure_ you’re only kidding? 😉 Why, honey! Errr…Hello!!! 😃 I’m happy to see you! Why, whatever do you mean? \ I love you, and I’d **never** try to get rid of you. Those were someone elses’ ideas, not _mine_! No, really. They _ **were** _! MysterEcks, do tell us your idea. I’d just love to hear it. 😉 Ahh, Sue, dear. I hate to tell you this. It _may_ take longer than 10 years. Don’t ask how I know this, I’m not telling. LOL! Thanks, mojo, I enjoyed reading that. I can see you’ve given this some thought. 🙂 Oicu, Most impressive. I like it. Where did you come up with that delicious poem? ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2000, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/28 "2000-09-30T03:40:26Z")
I never got to the planning stage, **purplebear**. But if was really going to murder someone, I think I’d bash them over the head with a bag of ice. Then I’d melt the ice and burn the bag–no murder weapon for the police to find.\* \*Disclaimer–MysterEcks presents this idea only in fun, and does not advocate, encourage, or condone felonious homicide. Especially upon poor misunderstood husbands. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2000, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/29 "2000-09-30T03:59:09Z")
Dang, **Pluto** ya beat me to it. (Been having 'puter problems and couldn’t post.) **Imapunha** asking what it’s like to be “becked”? What a straight line… And nice idea, MrE…though innumerable murder mysteries have toyed with similar ideas. One variation is stabbing someone to death with an icicle, then letting the murder weapon melt. My personal favorite comes from the twisted mind of Roald Dahl: the meek little woman clobbers her husband with a frozen leg of lamb. When the cops show up, the evidence is wafting domestic, homey aromas from the oven. (Though modern forensics would surely sheep blood in the cranial wound, just _think_ of the possible explanations! “Daisy butted him in the noggin, that fuzzy lanolin-laden slut!”) Or Hitchcock’s Two Strangers On A Train: “I’ll kill yours if you kill mine.” Maybe I should start reading more romances or science fiction. Veb ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2000, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/30 "2000-09-30T07:36:52Z")
**TVeblen** said: > [@](#): > > One variation is stabbing someone to death with an icicle, then letting the murder weapon melt. Ah, but one must be in a cold climate in winter to use an icicle. (I assume it would have to be a pretty substantial icicle.) Bags of ice are available year 'round almost everywhere in the US. It’s been quite awhile, but didn’t the cops actually eat the murder weapon in the Roald Dahl story? (It was a struggle, but I have talked myself out of making any comment about “bowel obstruction of justice.” See? I _do_have some self-control.) ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2000, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/31 "2000-09-30T15:38:56Z")
I missed that story, Veb. How utterly gruesome. I like it! MysterEcks, you’re a sly dog, slipping in your comment while saying you were refraining from making said comment. 😛 All I can say is: _ **GROAN** _. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![rosebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@rosebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rosebear)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2000, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/32 "2000-10-05T01:24:30Z")
Now purplebear,I said I was going to take your brother camping, then I was going to seduce him heehee 😉 then talk him into hiding in the woods bare ass naked then take off with all of his clothes and transportation (did I mention we were going camping in the mountains during the coldest part of the year)Come spring we would find him or oops should I say find his bones and then I will be very upset over this… Anyway I was just kidding and I really do love your brother 🙂 Now if something does happen to him I plead the 5th, I didn’t do it honest. 😉 Now what was this about MrBears Life insurance?,lol… Think he is getting worried yet over there? \ ***whispers to MrBear** She really was just asking to be on the safe side, honestly. ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2000, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/33 "2000-10-05T02:16:55Z")
::walks in whistling _Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap_:: ::looks around:: I’m glad I’m not married. ::tacks up “Hired Gun/ Reasonable Rates [sub](No job too small, no fee too big.)[/sub]” poster on wall:: ::adjusts gunbelts and walks out:: ---
**Author:** ![rjk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2000, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/34 "2000-10-05T02:32:36Z")
Hmmm! Sounds like purplebear and rosebear could make a deal. Mr. B, when you’re back in town, look around for train tickets, and check your phone bills carefully for calls to anybody named “Veblen”! ---
**Author:** ![CanadianSue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@CanadianSue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanadianSue)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2000, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/35 "2000-10-05T03:22:43Z")
Sure, sure now you give me all these ideas… you are a couple of weeks too late! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2000, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/36 "2000-10-05T04:12:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MysterEcks \* > It’s been quite awhile, but didn’t the cops actually eat the murder weapon in the Roald Dahl story? Yes, they certainly did. Funny little tale. ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2000, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/37 "2000-10-05T07:22:12Z")
\*\* If \*\* I ever decide to get rid of the LIONsob it will be easy. He is deathly allergic to crab (or he was as a child, the reaction he had then was so bad he doesn’t dare try it again to see if he still is). And he loves a good seafood gumbo. Would it be my fault if he ordered it at a resturant and I just happened to forget to remind him to ask if there was crab in it ? Or would it be my fault if he was told it was crab free and some crab oil just happened to find it’s way in there by chance. No a thousand times no. If that didn’t work there is always penicillian. Not that I would give it to him. Ummmm, I love you honey. You know that right. Right ? ---
**Author:** ![Oicu812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f475e1/32.png) [@Oicu812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oicu812)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2000, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/38 "2000-10-05T11:15:38Z")
Purplebear, that poem is actually a song written by a member of the SCA (Medeival re-renactment society), to which I belong. I have always gotten a kick out of it! O * * * vidi vici veni! ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2000, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/39 "2000-10-11T01:53:31Z")
I’m so very glad that you _do_ love him! I’d just **hate** to think what you’d plan if you actually hated him!! :eek: As to Mr Bear’s Life Insurance: _No comment_. 😛 Ahhh, Gunslinger… wait up! I have a question for you. Hypothetical, of course. \ rjk, _SHHHHHHHH!_ Ayesha, I like your idea. Dastardly at it’s best! 😃 Thank you, O, most kind of you. ---
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2000, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921/40 "2000-10-11T02:05:52Z")
Paint the doorknobs with white oleander! Just don’t touch it yourself. _grin_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dastardly-deeds-or-how-to-knock-off-an-unwanted-spouse/34921.md?page=3)