# Date with a 'believer' who lost her sister, and is "sure she will see her again". **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 9, 2012, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214 "2012-03-09T00:24:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/41 "2012-03-09T01:33:31Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > I don’t say this lightly, dude. > > Do her a favor and cancel the date. Trust me, she is not going to want to date you, and you may as well save some time. Maybe I will. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/42 "2012-03-09T01:37:47Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > It’s not a prop. You may be right about re-examine my priorities… but like I said, I was on my way to challenge her before I knew about her loss. Then you should consider yourself lucky you found out about her sister before you provoked an argument on a very sensitive topic, because that would have made you look like a jerk to her. Instead of trying to find another way to have the same argument, be supportive and have a first date without an agenda. ---
**Author:** ![expectopatronum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/expectopatronum/32/173_2.png) [@expectopatronum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/expectopatronum)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/43 "2012-03-09T01:44:29Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > I don’t say this lightly, dude. > > Do her a favor and cancel the date. Trust me, she is not going to want to date you, and you may as well save some time. seconded. (thirded?) you’ve used the word “challenge” about half a dozen times now. it doesn’t sound like you want to date her, it sounds like you want to win against her in a round of “whose beliefs are the right ones?”. don’t waste her time. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/44 "2012-03-09T01:46:42Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Then you should consider yourself lucky you found out about her sister before you provoked an argument on a very sensitive topic, because that would have made you look like a jerk to her. Instead of trying to find another way to have the same argument, be supportive and have a first date without an agenda. Yeah, I just really think I like her and I guess I just felt like I needed to address this one thing. I shouldn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/45 "2012-03-09T01:49:41Z")
Zealous atheists that take every opportunity they can (especially after the death of a relative) to challenge someone elses belief system are just as bad, if not worse than the Jesus people knocking on your door sunday morning. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/46 "2012-03-09T01:50:43Z")
May I just say… you guys and girls are right. I really want to date her. And I can overlook this. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/47 "2012-03-09T01:52:24Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > Zealous atheists that take every opportunity they can (especially after the death of a relative) to challenge someone elses belief system are just as bad, if not worse than the Jesus people knocking on your door sunday morning. I already said I wasn’t using it as an opportunity ---
**Author:** ![Skara\_Brae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Skara\_Brae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skara_Brae)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/48 "2012-03-09T01:53:20Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > Just hypothetically, if I were having a picnic in a graveyard- would you be interested? > > To The OP > > You clearly feel superior and that you must enlighten the unenlightened. Is this different than how Christian proselytizers feel? Yes, but not much. I actually have picnicked in a graveyard, and it was a lovely experience. A treasured memory, even… Of course, no one “challenged” anyone else’s belief system. Maybe that’s a reason why. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/49 "2012-03-09T01:59:23Z")
I find it slightly perplexing how often questions boil down to “should I be an asshole to another person or not?” ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/50 "2012-03-09T02:01:01Z")
I was wrong. ---
**Author:** ![koeeoaddi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/koeeoaddi/32/408_2.png) [@koeeoaddi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koeeoaddi)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/51 "2012-03-09T02:07:53Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > Yeah… **I will let her believe it** without trying to push my beliefs on to her… best advice. [bolding mine] I’ve been here a long time and I’ve never rolly-eyed another doper that I can recall. In fact, I’m so out of touch with rolly-eye protocol, I’m not even sure they’re allowed outside the Pit anymore, so I’ll just say, …dude! ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/52 "2012-03-09T02:08:45Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > It’s not JUST about what happens after you die, she’s a Christian… sort of. She picks what makes her happy, and leaves out the parts that don’t make sense I’m that sort of Christian and it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Even if I was married my feelings about God and Christianity would have nothing to do with my husband. It’s all _extremely_ personal and especially what I believe about death and Christianity. There is no one way to be a Christian. No wrong or right way. You are in no position to judge her level of faith or say she is “sort of” a Christian. Most of the guys I’ve dated have been atheists and none of them have ever brought up or “challenged” me about my religion. They were all intelligent and classy, at least in that respect. You should get your “disapproval” out of the way right now on this date so the poor girl can move on. You’re extremely insensitive and judgmental. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/53 "2012-03-09T02:12:01Z")
> [@koeeoaddi](#): > > I’ve been here a long time and I’ve never rolly-eyed another doper that I can recall. In fact, I’m so out of touch with rolly-eye protocol, I’m not even sure they’re allowed outside the Pit anymore, so I’ll just say, …dude! in my deffence, I don’t often think about what I’m saying until after I say it ---
**Author:** ![Terraplane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Terraplane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terraplane)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/54 "2012-03-09T02:17:14Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > in my deffence, I don’t often think about what I’m saying until after I say it That’s a terrible defense and something you should try to fix, maybe you should work on that before you worry so much about what you perceive as the failings of others. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/55 "2012-03-09T02:19:27Z")
> [@Terraplane](#): > > That’s a terrible defense and something you should try to fix, maybe you should work on that before you worry so much about what you perceive as the failings of others. Maybe. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/56 "2012-03-09T02:21:41Z")
> [@MyFootsZZZ](#): > > in my deffence, I don’t often think about what I’m saying until after I say it In that case – and I say this guardedly, but in all seriousness – you’re not ready to date. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/58 "2012-03-09T02:23:47Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > In that case – and I say this guardedly, but in all seriousness – you’re not ready to date. Maybe not ---
**Author:** ![iftheresaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ecae2f/32.png) [@iftheresaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iftheresaway)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/59 "2012-03-09T02:27:08Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I’m that sort of Christian and it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Even if I was married my feelings about God and Christianity would have nothing to do with my husband. It’s all _extremely_ personal and especially what I believe about death and Christianity. This, a lot. I’m an atheist, my husband is Catholic. I’m not even 100% sure of exactly what his beliefs are, because for the most part they’re his and I respect that, it just doesn’t come up much. Some stuff is important to him (making sure the kids are baptized) and some stuff is important to me (not forcing church on them if they don’t believe, no confession until they’re old enough to do it of their own free will), and so we compromise. Neither of us has ever felt the need to “challenge” one another - weird how that “mutual love and respect” thing just smooths over such issues. I can also speak to the grieving aspect. My father passed away on October. Many people (relatives, family friends, funeral directors) have told me that he’s watching over us, or we’ll see him again in heaven, or they feel his presence at certain times. I don’t believe that and I’m fairly sure my dad didn’t either. But I would never presume to try and “challenge” their assertions. If my stepmom feels my dad’s presence when she drives his car, or my grandma believes her son will be watching over us, why on earth would I want to deprive them of that feeling? I am five months pregnant with my father’s first grandchild, and believe me when I say that there are times I wish like hell I could feel his presence or know he was watching over me. ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/60 "2012-03-09T02:52:11Z")
This scares me. It’s true, I didn’t realize how I sounded until people here put me in my place… Am I not ready to date? It’s been so long. My ego seems to feel like I need this date, but I just don’t know if I should now. Not because of her. It’s because I can’t talk to people without later regretting something I said or did. I really try, especially with women, not to. Maybe I’ll never be ready to date. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2012, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214/61 "2012-03-09T03:03:47Z")
I think saying you’re not ready to date is kind of extreme, and there is no teacher like experience. But it’s true that you have not been thinking very much about the woman you’re planning to see or how your comments or your actions might make her feel. There’s nothing wrong with the conversation topic, and for some people, a mixed atheist/theist relationship is a problem. But it’s not your place to change or convert somebody, and seeing it as an exercise in improving them - bringing them up to your standards - is not very respectful. All of that would still be true even if you weren’t talking about someone who wasn’t coping with the loss of someone close to them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/date-with-a-believer-who-lost-her-sister-and-is-sure-she-will-see-her-again/615214.md?page=4)