# Dating a recovering alcoholic (me) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 3, 2009, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438 "2009-10-03T04:48:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2009, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/21 "2009-10-03T19:55:14Z")
Just want to say well done mate on the staying clean. If I were you I’d say that you don’t drink. I know someone who has never drank all of his life( And I’ve known him from school,)whos never drank becuse he doesn’t like the taste or the affect of it bot because he’s recovering or religious. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2009, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/22 "2009-10-04T01:43:07Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Then you are not the ‘tend.’ As a former non-drinker (for no reason other than ‘not fond of the taste’ - oh, and the throwing up drunk episode as a freshman in college that left me feeling ill when I smelt it - but I adapted) - my experience of ten years of non-drinking was people assumed I was in recovery or religious. I was startled when someone described me as someone who “couldn’t” drink. Granted, over the three weeks we’d been in proximity, I’d turned down far more free alcohol than I’d consumed. But I’d drunk at least a little wine on three occassions during that time. My preference for not drinking is rooted in my religous background and my parents’ lack of fondness for alcohol. But I also don’t like the taste, and am not sure the benefits outway the potential risks of developing an enjoyment of alcohol. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2009, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/23 "2009-10-04T01:57:52Z")
Congrats on your sobriety! ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2009, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/24 "2009-10-04T02:31:19Z")
> [@gwendee](#): > > I’ve shared a story here before that makes me disagree with this. A friend of mine met a man online (plentyof fish dot com) and they exchanged several emails before deciding to have a dinner date. At the date the waiter aproached to take a drink order. Linda asked for white wine. Her date asked if she would not mind choosing something else as he is in recovery. She did so, no problem. Then asked how long he’d been in the program and his answer was twenty three years. > > She said she was troubled that in weeks of emailing, including planning the date he didn’t say anything about it, that it felt as if he were testing her. She really enjoys wine. I don’t mean in a "crack open another box’ way, but rather researching prefect wine/food pairings and reading Wine Spectator and using it to generate a wish list she keeps in her purse. She had mentioned that in her profile. > > First dates are adventure enough without surprises. I support sharing that information in the first few emails. > > I really like what **Eureka** said about not thinking about dating in terms of relationships yet but as a way people entertain themselves in pairs. IMHO, if this guy knew his date liked wine and it bothered him enough that he asked her not to drink it in an otherwise appropriate setting, he had no business asking her out in the first place. Or he went into it with an ulterior motive. At any rate, the “gotcha” really wasn’t fair to her at all, but it says more about him than it does about her. My point to this is that the OP needs to do his own pre-screening, as well. There are ways to find out about someone’s attitude toward alcohol without advertising one’s sobriety. As for the “creepy and narcissistic” comment, my experience is that men who broadcast their recovery aren’t necessarily men who are capable of making a serious investment in a relationship. It is based on my own experience, so YMMV (and probably does). ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2009, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/25 "2009-10-04T02:32:37Z")
> [@gravitycrash](#): > > Not to put too fine a point on things but my goal right now is to find a girl/friend who also is amenable to getting laid and wanting to get laid. I know that sounds coarse because it is meant to be. > … > Any opinions on how to avoid or weed out the wallflower/needy types? How about warning signs in their profile or E-mail responses? I don’t mean poor spelling or too many grammatical errors or AOL speak. (I automatically ignore those). I must have missed something in the past that may be obvious to all of you. > Thanks! If what you are looking for short term is an independent type-A girlfriend who wants to have sex, then I would rephrase or leave out some of the stuff you mentioned in your OP. FWIW, when I read in a profile that a man owns his own home, has worked for the same company for 19 yrs, and has a great relationship with his daughter, that sounds to me like someone who is trying to sound like a good, stable provider-type mate (read: wants a wife). I say focus on describing your interests, and be funny or unique in doing it. IMO, it’s bad form to put stuff in your profile about what qualities you’re looking for in a person. You should be able to use someone’s profile plus email/telephone contact to figure out if the person seems interesting enough to ask out on a date. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/26 "2009-10-05T00:01:27Z")
I have been in recovery for 22 years (in NA) I have dated a few normie women, but there is always the trouble that they are normies and will never _really_ understand. It’s OK. I don’t expect them to. But if you want to have a relationship (in NA, AA, CA…) you would be wise to go to the events that these felowships put on. Dances, conventions and other events are a great way to hook up. And if you are going to meetings regularly, you will undoubtedly run across many single, attractive and available women, many of whom will actually have some recovery. Another great reason to attend as many meetings as possible! ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/27 "2009-10-05T01:18:43Z")
IMHO: You should listen to your sponsor and wait a year. You’re still in early recovery. For every successful relationship I’ve seen started before a year is up, I’ve seen 5 or 6 others fail disastrously, with half of those involving relapse. There’s a reason the old-timers say “wait a year (or more)”. Otherwise, once you get a year under your belt, do what **spooje** suggested. But: No 13th stepping! (No hitting on anyone with less than a year sober time). That’s opinion only, you’re free to do what you want. But if you want what we have, try doing what we did. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/28 "2009-10-05T01:45:49Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > For every successful relationship I’ve seen started before a year is up, I’ve seen 5 or 6 others fail disastrously, with half of those involving relapse. Yanno, I can’t think of a single relationship that started when one or both people had less than a year that lasted, long term. ---
**Author:** ![Haunted](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/898d66/32.png) [@Haunted](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Haunted)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/29 "2009-10-05T12:17:46Z")
I would date an alcoholic who has stopped drinking but I wouldn’t date someone who is seriously invested in AA. No offense to anybody who finds AA helpful. I’m happy for you and I’m happy for anybody who finds the strength to put down the booze but AA is not for me and I wouldn’t want to spend my time dealing with it in any way. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/30 "2009-10-05T12:26:02Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > Yanno, I can’t think of a single relationship that started when one or both people had less than a year that lasted, long term. Me either. But I’ve seen a few that didn’t “fail disastrously”. They’re still in the minority, however. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/31 "2009-10-05T19:04:20Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > :::: snip :::: > > That’s opinion only, you’re free to do what you want. But if you want what we have, try doing what we did. This… I am always amazed at the number of people who want what we have but will not do what we did for whatever reason and think that they can get it. All is seems to take is one person on a message board who **claims** to have done it the easy way and they think that they too are the one of 10,000 exception who it will work for. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/32 "2009-10-05T19:54:21Z")
> [@GusNSpot](#): > > This… I am always amazed at the number of people who want what we have but will not do what we did for whatever reason and think that they can get it. All is seems to take is one person on a message board who **claims** to have done it the easy way and they think that they too are the one of 10,000 exception who it will work for. It took a lot of relapses and pain for me to learn that lesson. It sort of goes along with the addiction, it seems. ☹ But each one has their own journey, frankly. My failures were eventually very educational to me, and to an extent, made it possible to get the successes I later got. ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/33 "2009-10-05T19:56:31Z")
> [@Haunted](#): > > I would date an alcoholic who has stopped drinking but I wouldn’t date someone who is seriously invested in AA. > > No offense to anybody who finds AA helpful. I’m happy for you and I’m happy for anybody who finds the strength to put down the booze but AA is not for me and I wouldn’t want to spend my time dealing with it in any way. Boy, do I know what you mean. A fundamentalist of any stripe is just as repulsive. I’ve only been sober for four months.\* I still attend AA meetings from time to time, but I get really turned off by some of the fundamentalists who react to criticism by chuckling with prideful condescension as they congratulate themselves on their collective wisdom. It is the opposite of “attraction,” as is the mindless repetition of platitudes. \*cue prideful, condescending chuckling ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/34 "2009-10-05T20:02:50Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Me either. But I’ve seen a few that didn’t “fail disastrously”. They’re still in the minority, however. Not to pick, but I’m sure you and **twicks** have kept painstakingly accurate records of these romances, successes and failures. Any response other than a simple “no” has zero credibility. ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/35 "2009-10-05T21:11:43Z")
To the OP, if you have a sponsor you trust and respect, consider his advice. If not, I wouldn’t get too caught up on seeking some AA-sanctioned answer. I wouldn’t tell someone right off the bat, but it would probably come up really early in the relationship (like maybe even before the first date if it’s an online thing). If someone gets mad at you for failing to fully disclose then she’s probably not emotionally mature enough to be in a grown up relationship - then again maybe she shags like a minx. Crazy can be good for the dick but bad for the brain. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/36 "2009-10-05T22:51:45Z")
> [@whole\_bean](#): > > Not to pick, but I’m sure you and **twicks** have kept painstakingly accurate records of these romances, successes and failures. Any response other than a simple “no” has zero credibility. As a recovering person, all I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope with my peers in AA. However, as a physician who treats many patients with substance abuse disorders, I do tell my patients that there is indeed objective data that indicates those who do get involved in romantic relationships early in recovery do have higher rates of relapse. This association is stronger for females than it is for males, but appears significant for both sexes. What predicts relapse? Prospective testing of antecedent models WR Miller, VS Westerberg, RJ Harris, JS … - Addiction, 1996 Assessment issues and domains in the prediction of relapse DM Donovan - Addiction, 1996 Extending relapse prevention models to couples. McCrady BS. Addict Behav. 1989;14(1):69-74. Relapse prevention. An overview of Marlatt’s cognitive-behavioral model. Larimer ME, Palmer RS, Marlatt GA. Alcohol Res Health. 1999;23(2):151-60. ---
**Author:** ![whole\_bean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/96bed5/32.png) [@whole\_bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whole_bean)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2009, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438/37 "2009-10-05T23:50:52Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > As a recovering person, all I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope with my peers in AA. > > However, as a physician who treats many patients with substance abuse disorders, I do tell my patients that there is indeed objective data that indicates those who do get involved in romantic relationships early in recovery do have higher rates of relapse. This association is stronger for females than it is for males, but appears significant for both sexes. > > What predicts relapse? Prospective testing of antecedent models > WR Miller, VS Westerberg, RJ Harris, JS … - Addiction, 1996 > > Assessment issues and domains in the prediction of relapse > DM Donovan - Addiction, 1996 > > Extending relapse prevention models to couples. > McCrady BS. Addict Behav. 1989;14(1):69-74. > > Relapse prevention. An overview of Marlatt’s cognitive-behavioral model. > Larimer ME, Palmer RS, Marlatt GA. Alcohol Res Health. 1999;23(2):151-60. Yeah, I realize that came across stronger than I meant. Sorry. I am sure you’re right that it might not be the best idea. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-a-recovering-alcoholic-me/512438.md?page=1)