# Dating advice needed: how can I get the nerdy guys to relax? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2005, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601 "2005-02-17T21:11:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/21 "2005-02-18T00:11:04Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > I have _no_ problem taking the initiative (no fear, no tact, and no shame, really) First, let me say “You’re awesome, run away with me!” Erm, I mean, that’s pretty damn cool. > [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > but if I try to talk to them I tend to get fear signals back: stuttering, twitching, averted eyes, etc. Hon, I saw the photothread before posting here. You’re a freakin’ hottie. Most ‘nerdy’ guys have been passed over for not being jocks, and when a (very) attractive woman shows an interest, there’s defintely a "who, ME?"moment followed by “Oh fuck, I’m so going to fuck this up. Damnit… how can I not ruin this?” moment. > [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > I’ve been told that I’m too intimidating (I _am_ blunt) and that guys will automatically assume that I’m taken because I’m not ugly, but I’m not flirting either (WTF?). Strong women can be intimidating, but bluntness can work for you too. If you don’t have any fear, you’d be surprised how useful being direct could be. “I like you, relax, just have fun with me.” Heck, if you lay your hand on his and/or kiss/snuggle up to him, I’m **sure** his nervousness will fade soon enough. And, yeah, guys (at least all the guys I know) assume that hot girls have boyfriends. Or, like a movie once put it… “Girls like her are _born_ with boyfriends.” I’m not sure about the flirting bit though… > [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > Is there some shorthand, some signal or code phrase that I can give or say to let him know I’m not that scary, really? Looking into his eyes and/or hugging him and saying “Relax, it’s okay, I think you’re sexy.” would sure do it for me if I was nervous. ---
**Author:** ![audiobottle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bc8723/32.png) [@audiobottle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/audiobottle)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/22 "2005-02-18T00:41:19Z")
Wow… You’ve built up quite the harem of guys here. And they’re all on the 'dope, so you know they’re bright, moderately nerdy but still fairly with it guys. The only downfall I see in you is that you go to OSU - since I just graduated U of Michigan, I guess there’s an impenetrable barrier between us. But seriously, after seeing your picture and connecting that with some of your posts, I could probably put that stupid rivalry thing side… Anyway, as a geek in hiding myself (fantasy you say? Computers? Math, science? What what?), I’m going to go the opposite route as most of these here. I’m far more interested in what the other person has to say. Tell me about your interests, and if I have one that coincides even slightly, we can get a conversation rolling. Being blunt may work against you; a lot of shy, nerdy guys will be intimidated by that. It’s going to take patience though. A more reclusive person is that way for a reason and short of a quaalude or two, it’ll take a little bit for him to crack his shell. ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/23 "2005-02-18T01:22:20Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > Oh, and I second the touching suggestion. Maybe not a backrub (at least, not initially…that kinda sends the wrong signal.) But touching the forearm or shoulder? Yes, definitely. > > One other thing of note (based on your TM pictures): you kind of have the Jodie Foster thing going there, and while that’s not a bad thing (I mean, _it’s really not_ a bad thing) you do look a little…disapproving when you’re not smiling. It’s actually _very cute_ (at least to those of us with librarian fetishes 😃 ), but might be intimidating to a guy trying to decide to approach you. When you smile, though (thump-skip-thump) it’s charming, 'specially that kind of shy, demure look you have in the picture in front of the ocean. And eye contact is all well and good, but _a little_ shyness–glancing away a bit, or letting your bangs kind of fall across your eyes once in a while–might convey that you’re just as nervous as the guy is (even if you’re not). Wow, thanks for all the advice and ego-boosting. If I can still fit though my door with my head all swollen, I’ll definitely put it into action (especially the touching thing). I’m usually afraid I’ll frighten them away if I move too quickly, but I’ll give it a shot since y’all say so. I do kinda scowl when I’m thinking. But I’m not always thinking about how I look, either. I guess I should put vaseline on my teeth like Miss America, right? > [@kelly5078](#): > > The only thing working against you is that you’re lovely. Really? That sounds so counterintuitive, but it would be consistent with my experience. I usually _never_ get hit on by anyone, jock or nerd, if I’m dressed up with makeup and hair done. I’ve found that if I’m wearing my glasses, jeans, and an old shirt with my hair in braids or pigtails, I get a lot more attention. I just thought that the guys were weird. **Iamthewalrus(:3=**, are you saying I should walk though crowds shouting “42!” and laying a big wet one on the first guy who responds? That might not get me the kind of attention I’m looking for… 😉 Then again, I have been known to choose guys based on their knowledge of pTerry, Adams, and/or Python, and what’s good for the gander etc. ---
**Author:** ![audiobottle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bc8723/32.png) [@audiobottle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/audiobottle)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/24 "2005-02-18T01:29:22Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > **Iamthewalrus(:3=**, are you saying I should walk though crowds shouting “42!” and laying a big wet one on the first guy who responds? That might not get me the kind of attention I’m looking for… 😉 Hey, if he knows the question, he deserves it. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/25 "2005-02-18T01:42:12Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > I do kinda scowl when I’m thinking. But I’m not always thinking about how I look, either. I guess I should put vaseline on my teeth like Miss America, right? No, no, no! For the geek contingent, dress down, not up. (Well, I mean, if you want to put on a latex costume like the [BSD girls](http://wigen.net/data/bsdmascots/ceren/dbabe13.jpg.php)… 😉 ) but, speaking for myself, a t-shirt and jeans is quite appealing, and definitely more approachable. Whenever I see a girl highly made up, I think of Madeline Kahn in _Young Frankenstein_: “The hair! Don’t touch the hair! Not the lips!” And glasses…that old saw about “Girls that wear glasses never get passes.” Pffftt. (But then, like I said, I like the [librarian](http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.jade-leaves.com/Ceit/journal/photographs/July/me_990720_b.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.jade-leaves.com/Ceit/journal/Jul99/990720.shtml&h=150&w=200&sz=9&tbnid=eq94PLy0FUQJ:&tbnh=74&tbnw=99&start=6&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsexy%2Blibrarian%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DG) look. YMMV.) > [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > Then again, I have been known to choose guys based on their knowledge of pTerry, Adams, and/or Python, and what’s good for the gander etc. Well, I’ve got two out of three (double if you mean [Python](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monty_Python) and [Python](http://www.python.org/)) You know, I was thinking it would be cool to move up in the Pacific Northwest… 😉😃 Stranger ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/26 "2005-02-18T01:43:21Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > Heck, if you lay your hand on his and/or kiss/snuggle up to him, I’m **sure** his nervousness will fade soon enough. > > [snip] > > Looking into his eyes and/or hugging him and saying “Relax, it’s okay, I think you’re sexy.” would sure do it for me if I was nervous. You watch too much pr0n ;). Those are tactics I may use eventually (and usually do), but my OP was about intial contact. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/27 "2005-02-18T01:55:15Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > Looking into his eyes and/or hugging him and saying “Relax, it’s okay, I think you’re sexy.” would sure do it for me if I was nervous. I think it depends. That might work with a guy who’s a little unsure about when to make his move. Being overly aggressive might scare a shy guy off. > [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > Really? That sounds so counterintuitive, but it would be consistent with my experience. I usually never get hit on by anyone, jock or nerd, if I’m dressed up with makeup and hair done. I’ve found that if I’m wearing my glasses, jeans, and an old shirt with my hair in braids or pigtails, I get a lot more attention. I just thought that the guys were weird. Looking approachable works better than simply looking attractive. Eye contact and smiling helps. What doesn’t work is acting like my GF’s friend on her 30th birthday and running around drunk yelling ARE YOU OVER 30!!! to every guy in the bar while wearing a tiarra on her head. ---
**Author:** ![Harborwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Harborwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harborwolf)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/28 "2005-02-18T02:09:19Z")
Not unattractive? Understate things much? SusanStoHelitYou are one of the most beautiful women that I have ever seen. And speaking as a former shy and nerdy guy myself, I can say that you would scare the pants off of me. In fact, you would scare me if I weren’t in a relationship. What I think worked for **Alias** was a combination of directness and patience. She left no doubt in my mind that she wanted to be with me and gave me a chance to get through the mindless terror. 😃 Just let them know how you feel and wait 'em out. That should work. ---
**Author:** ![Ace309](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ace309/32/1050_2.png) [@Ace309](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ace309)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/29 "2005-02-18T02:22:18Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > “Girls like her are **born** with boyfriends.” I’ve shared a hypothesis of mine with some of my law school classmates that a certain subsection of each incoming class is taken off, divided by gender and, if unattached, issued a significant other at orientation and given a few weeks to announce it to the world. One of my female friends refers to them as “the Beautiful People.” **Guy From School** : So, is Samantha attached? **Tom** : Yeah, Prem was issued to her. **Girl From School** : Yeah, they’re both Beautiful People, it only makes sense. ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/30 "2005-02-18T02:23:27Z")
So the advice on this thread is: Make eye contact (msmith537) But not too much eye contact (Stranger on a Train) Kiss him (FinnAgain and JThunder) But don’t scare him off (msmith537) Touch him (Stranger and Ace) But pretend to be shy (Stranger) Get him to talk about his interests (Whack-a-Mole) But don’t make him talk about himself (audiobottle) Hmm, contradictory, vague, and outrageous advice on dating… must be the SMDB! PS: **Stranger** , when I say my hair is “done,” I mean it isn’t in a ponytail or braids. As much as I love Madeline Kahn, I don’t emulate her in my day-to-day fashion choices. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/31 "2005-02-18T02:24:56Z")
Hmm, let’s see. Throw the guy down on the floor and have your wild way with him. That oughta break the ice and make him nice and relaxed. 😃 My husband is a very quiet, sorta nerdy guy. When we met, we just clicked and started talking and haven’t stopped yet. I’ve seen him in social situations; he clams right up with other people, but he just didn’t with me. I guess what I’m trying to say is when you find the right nerd, it won’t be a problem. ---
**Author:** ![Ace309](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ace309/32/1050_2.png) [@Ace309](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ace309)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/32 "2005-02-18T02:39:32Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > So the advice on this thread is: > > Make eye contact (msmith537) > But not too much eye contact (Stranger on a Train) > > Kiss him (FinnAgain and JThunder) > But don’t scare him off (msmith537) > > Touch him (Stranger and Ace) > But pretend to be shy (Stranger) > > Get him to talk about his interests (Whack-a-Mole) > But don’t make him talk about himself (audiobottle) I wouldn’t say much of this is actually contradictory. When people say “Don’t make too much eye contact/make him talk about himself, and pretend to be shy” they don’t mean you’re not allowed to do any of it. “Too much eye contact” can be unnerving, but that’s really a matter of the way you’d treat anyone - it’s flirtation, not a staredown, after all. Touching can be confident but not overly so - I was actually thinking of a hand on the forearm to loosen the guy up. Get him jabbering about himself, but for god’s sake don’t interrogate him. I do have to disagree outright with the “kiss him” piece of advice, as it seems overly shocking and would probably drive a genuinely shy guy straight into his shell. Just last week I was groped at a bar, and I found it more unnerving than anything else. You don’t want to make a show of him - yes, he’ll want to make a show of you, because you’re an attractive woman, but let him do it on his own terms. He’ll likely be very uncomfortable for a while, even after he’s let his guard down. Attractive women are Big Fucking Events for shy, nerdy guys, which is why it’s important to keep him comfortable. You can and should prod him, but remember that even once you get a guy comfortable with you, he’s probably still going through the “Oh my god, what the hell do I say next?” inner monologue. ---
**Author:** ![Keapon\_Laffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e274bd/32.png) [@Keapon\_Laffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Keapon_Laffin)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/33 "2005-02-18T03:11:41Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > I likes me some shy, nerdy guys, but they will never initiate a conversation with me. I have _no_ problem taking the initiative (no fear, no tact, and no shame, really) :eek: We need more of you in the world. …wait… you’re just toying with us, aren’t you? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/34 "2005-02-18T03:56:23Z")
As a shy man and somewhat of a nerd, I think you should not over dress. Judging by your pictures there is no need. I think most guys like the girl next door look, which to me means blue jeans and a t-shirt. Also to break the ice, a light touch on the shoulder or forearm may be enough to break the ice for shy guys. ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/35 "2005-02-18T04:04:57Z")
**Susan** , maybe to get past the defenses you have to demonstrate a total forgiveness and laissez-faire attitude to social ineptitude and faux pas. Show that you can take whatever comes in stride and good humor, and without a critical attitude. If you can make them feel comfortable when they say the worst, then they will take the chance of talking. Some guys will just not talk because they fear they will say something that will totally embarass themselves or offend you or sound boring. They clam up rather than taking the chance on you and the possible hit to their ego. A good way to break past that is with humor and self-effacement… show them an easy going atitude and befriend them and show genuine interest and the floodgates might open. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/36 "2005-02-18T04:41:15Z")
It’s ok to be blunt but try not to sound judgemental. Learn some basic interviewing skills. Ask questions that can not be answered ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but require complete sentences. I agree that some non-sexual touching may help, unless he is uber-geeky and that may just drive him to distraction. Probably some non-face to face communication would help. (phone, email, IM) If nothing else go to a movie and then afterwards you can talk about that movie. It is something that you both just expierenced. ---
**Author:** ![elfbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b782af/32.png) [@elfbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfbabe)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/37 "2005-02-18T05:41:57Z")
Man, **SusanStoHelit** is _smokin’_! As a committed nerd-dater myself, the method that worked for me was to befriend them first, in a completely non-romantic way. Most nerdy types have a decent amount of experience with women just wanting to be friends, after all… And then once I know them and know they are suitable as romantic partners and unattached, it’s possible to make romantic moves without them panicking. ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/38 "2005-02-18T06:11:30Z")
Just passing by to say that the penny’s finally dropped about what Susan’s name means. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/39 "2005-02-18T06:34:59Z")
Susan, I think you’re just going to have to learn to live with this problem. You’re an attractive young woman and any shy nerdy guy who finds himself the object of your attention is going to be overwhelmed. Keep it light and try not to invoke the panic reflex. Rest assured, however, that you have his complete attention. > [@](#): > > None of your first-favorite stuff in here, though. This is a family thread. What? We can’t argue about politics in front of the kids? ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/40 "2005-02-18T06:38:15Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > You watch too much pr0n ;). Not at all. I was thinking of a few times in collegem, like when there was this full figured greek girl with these, good gods, _green_ eyes flecked with gold in one of my English classes. Anyways, she was gorgeous, and I never would’ve made a move. But she chatted me up on the bus back to the upperclassman dorms… and invited me into her apartment to keep talking and… Suffice it to say I’m pretty dense, but when she demanded, playfully, her goodbye hug… Or the 21 year old woman who seduced lil’ ol’ 17 year old me during summer classes right before fall semester or… Ahem. Trust me, I was convinced I was too nerdy to ever get a girl, and yeah, I was nervous… but you’d be surprised how well a confident-yet-graceful woman who’s trying to put you at ease, well, works 🙂 > [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > Those are tactics I may use eventually (and usually do), but my OP was about intial contact. Well, they work for initial contact if you play it out. But if you just meet a guy and don’t chat him up, yeah, chances are he’ll be unnerved. I’d have a hard time playing it smooth with such an attractive woman, I can tell you. > [@msmith537](#): > > I think it depends. That might work with a guy who’s a little unsure about when to make his move. Being overly aggressive might scare a shy guy off. Mayyyybe, but it depends on how agressive she wants to be. I’m sure if a guy was nervous but not paralyzed, some sexy whispering might work well. If, however, a guy is _such_ a… whatever adjective, that an attractive woman who’s obviously interested and making the first move is something that’s too scary to let continue… well, personally I think that’d be a lost cause and she’d be better served by finding a geeky-but-not-totally-in-his-shell guy. > [@Ace309](#): > > Attractive women are Big Fucking Events for shy, nerdy guys, which is why it’s important to keep him comfortable. You can and should prod him, but remember that even once you get a guy comfortable with you, he’s probably still going through the “Oh my god, what the hell do I say next?” inner monologue. But, see, if he’s got a “Oh my god, what the hell do I say next?” thing going, and she kisses him, a) he doesn’t need to speak b) he knows she’s interested c) he’ll eventually loosen up although he may be nervous and fumbling at first. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601.md?page=3)