# Dating advice needed: how can I get the nerdy guys to relax? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2005, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601 "2005-02-17T21:11:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/61 "2005-02-18T23:12:22Z")
_sigh_ If only I were younger. As a recovered (?) geek here is what I think is going on in this guy’s head. - wow. She’s talking to me. I better not screw this up. - should I talk about work. No that’s nerdy. - Should I talk about games. No, she’ll think I’m an idiot. Repeat until you’re convinced he’s a dope. (Not doper 🙂 ) If he says anything, give positive feedback, of the tell me more/that’s cool variety. Also, don’t assume that any signals you give out are being received. Many of us are scared stiff that a woman will be offended if we act too aggressively (which is defined as a very low level of activity.) So you might have to ratchet up the signals a bit at a time. Inviting him to go someplace else (for coffee or something) and changing the environment is a really clear, non-threatening signal, and will let you know for sure if he is interested, since no one would say no to you unless they were blind or gay. 🙂 I have no intuition about reading signals - even after 26 years I burn up more CPU cycles interpreting my wife’s signals about all sorts of things than I should be burning. ---
**Author:** ![Whack-a-Mole](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/whack-a-mole/32/141_2.png) [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/62 "2005-02-18T23:27:23Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > No, no, no! For the geek contingent, dress down, not up. > > …but, speaking for myself, a t-shirt and jeans is quite appealing, and definitely more approachable. I’ll second this. In fact I find a woman in jeans and nice t-shirt far more appealing (usually) than one all dolled up ready to hit the town. Done well a t-shirt and jeans can be damn sexy and still say I am relaxed and pretty cool person. If I were a few thousand miles closer to **SusanStoHelit** I’d definitely be sending a “How YOU doing!” her way (age difference be damned). Some guys have all the luck! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/63 "2005-02-18T23:38:03Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > **Iamthewalrus(:3=**, are you saying I should walk though crowds shouting “42!” and laying a big wet one on the first guy who responds? That might not get me the kind of attention I’m looking for… 😉 Sure, it _might_ not. But how can you really know unless you try it? 😃 As far as serious advice goes, I’d like to reinforce the touching suggestion. Even if the guy is socially clueless, nervous, and to hit on you because he thinks you are attached, he should have had it beaten through his head by some kind soul that _girl touching your arm for no particular reason == flirting_. In fact, although I don’t consider myself socially awkward, it’s _still_ the most obvious signal I know of. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2005, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/64 "2005-02-18T23:53:17Z")
> [@iamthewalrus(:3=](#): > > Even if the guy is socially clueless, nervous, and to hit on you because he thinks you are attached… Imagine the phrase _too afraid_ deftly inserted at the proper point in that sentence. Or pick your favorite adjective and go with that. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2005, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/65 "2005-02-19T00:06:55Z")
Egads, speaking as another shy, nerdy guy… If you were to talk to me, I’d first have looked to see who you were really talking to. At least, at your age, I would have. These days, I am closer to accepting that there are lots of women out there who’s tastes actually may find a match in me. :eek: However, that seems to be a lesson that a lot of geeks don’t learn til much later in life. Having said that - you will likely find, that for the right geek, talking to you isn’t a terror, but a pleasure. Just take your time, **Susan**. Now, if only I were in Bremerton and still active duty I’d be trying to meet you on a 96’er. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2005, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/66 "2005-02-19T01:26:49Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > Anyway, another bloke (an engineer…I work at an engineering company) came in and saw it in the background, half covered by the active application. “Wow,” he said. “Who is that? Can you bring that to the front? Cool! Is that your girlfriend? Does she have a sister?” He called in another guy passing by my office to look at it, and next thing you know, I have half a dozen engineers hanging over my shoulder to drool over the picture. “Are there more pictures? Do you know her name? Can you send me her e-mail? Why not? What, do you want money or something?” The even ignored the Sue Foley image I have wallpapered on the desktop in favor of it. So… you’re my pimp now? ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Violaceous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Miss\_Violaceous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Violaceous)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2005, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/67 "2005-02-19T02:44:50Z")
I skimmed parts of this, so maybe I missed a quick mention, but I haven’t seen anyone suggest getting the nerdy guy on his home turf. I’ve dated several nerds in my time. My current catch calls himself a “Network Engineering Technologist” (not sure what it entails exactly) and likes Legos and Star trek. I met him in an MMORPG. By the time we got to the point of flirting face to face, we were extremely comfortable with each other. Many shy people (he’s not actually shy, I was the shy one there!) have a much, much easier time relating to someone after they feel they know them through online contact. So, if you’re flirting with a shy guy and he clams up, see if you can get his Instant Message information(“stomp once for AIM, stomp twice for MSN…”). Once you’ve had a few good getting-to-know you conversations, and maybe acquire an in-joke or two, he’ll be a lot more relaxed in person. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2005, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/68 "2005-02-19T03:43:35Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > So… you’re my pimp now? Believe me, you can do better on your own. Geeks are one thing, but rocket scientists…well, we’re not quite certain how they make more rocket scientists, but I think it probably has more to do with human cloning than any kind of sexual reproduction. :o Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Twoflower](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/twoflower/32/22_2.png) [@Twoflower](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Twoflower)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2005, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/69 "2005-02-19T04:12:49Z")
Well, **Susan** , about all I can add to all this geeky advice is that you & I need to meet in [the next discworld book.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=302535) Ever been to the Aurient? But count me in with the “if only I was 30 years younger” crowd, dangit … ---
**Author:** ![Taber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ac91a4/32.png) [@Taber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taber)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2005, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/70 "2005-02-19T04:22:13Z")
> [@dublos](#): > > Well, if you’re in an appropriate place for such things… Backrub. > > [semi-appropriate MacHall Strip](http://www.machall.com/index.php?strip_id=315) aww, I was hoping you meant [this one](http://www.machall.com/index.php?strip_id=169) ---
**Author:** ![Stainz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stainz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stainz)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2005, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/71 "2005-02-20T04:07:42Z")
My boyfriend is kind of shy and I guess you could say he’s a geek - very smart, very computer savvy … I knew he enjoyed playing pool (we work for the same company so I had some inside information on him) so I asked him if he wanted to play pool sometime - it was fun, no pressure, we were both fairly shy but the pool game gave us lots of stuff to talk about and laugh about (because I’m a pathetic pool player) and there was music playing so we could talk about that too … it just all seemed quite natural. Now we live together (and have for a year) and plan to get married in the near future. So I guess it goes back to what others have mentioned - find out what he is interested in, and do it together. I genuinely enjoy playing pool so I knew I would have fun no matter what came out of it, which I think took some pressure off too … S. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2005, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/72 "2005-02-20T05:13:42Z")
I wish I could introduce you to a friend of mine from college, she might have some good tips for you. Like you, she was an attractive and sexy-looking girl who preferred geeky guys. Actually, as unlikely as it sounds, she was a former beauty queen and ex-cheerleader who preferred geeky guys. So take heart, geeky guys, our **SusanStoHelit** isn’t the only one! Despite being the self-proclaimed Queen of the Geeks I have little romantic experience with geek _guys_, but I think the basics are the same for all geeks. Your typical geek is going to be delighted to meet someone else that shares his interests. So if you’re targeting Discworld fans, etc., you’re on the right track. You’ve also got a good subject to talk about while getting to know one another. It’s probably best to stay with topics like “What’s your favorite **MST3K** episode?” for a while. Aside from the usual “guys don’t talk about feelings” stuff (which does hold true for some, if not all, geek guys), a lot of geeks are coming with baggage from their family or past social relationships. If you have similar geeky interests then a friendly relationship shouldn’t be too hard to establish, but it may take time to build up enough trust for a romantic one. Alternately, there may be some geeks who will want to move too fast because they can hardly believe their luck and don’t want to let you get away. Everyone is different, so you’ve got to judge the situation based on the particular guy. If your school has a science-fiction and fantasy club, historic reenactment club, anime club, or any other kind of social group that seems likely to attract a geeky crowd, that would be a good place to meet people. ---
**Author:** ![kangaroo\_in\_black](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kangaroo\_in\_black](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kangaroo_in_black)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2005, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/73 "2005-02-20T05:32:45Z")
Hmmm, well what **BlueKangaroo** did to get me to relax was to be straightforward and direct. Which sounds like alot of the other advice on this thread, so it’s probably a good bet. Also, try looking at some of his geeky paraphernalia to get a feel for what some of his interests are, and ask him about some of those. That should be able to get him to relax and get past that inner “Oh no, I hope I don’t mess this up.” Like many others said putting your hand on his arm may help when he’s stuttering. Also, the stuttering may be due to a speech impediment so it may never go away (I have that problem). Be wary of any extreme actions though, one of my roomates was more or less randomly kissed by his future wife, and well, It effectively “Blue screened” his brain. ’ If I have any other thoughts on the matter I will post them. ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2005, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/74 "2005-02-20T07:30:41Z")
**SusanStoHelit** : bottom line, just be yourself. Don’t try to be someone you’re not (i.e. shy), and do assume that the kind of nerd guy who will be right for you will figure it out after you slap him sincerely upside the head a few times (metaphorically speaking). _sigh_ I went to Oregon St. University myself, but sadly 13-17 years too early: I was there from 1988-92. Someone said you went to OSU (and your location says Oregon), don’t know why they know this. Anyway. I confess my thickheadedness caused me to miss some great chances myself, back when some hot number was making subtle hints at me, but I was too dense to really notice, or if I did, to trust it. Assuming the guys you like need for you to be crystal clear about your interest in them is probably valid. ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Orzabal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2005, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/75 "2005-02-20T09:50:46Z")
Hi. My name’s **Roland**. Well, no it isn’t, but work with me here. I’m 21, quiet, nerdy as they come, only without the whole shyness handicap, and…single. How _you_ doin’? 🙂 Really, though, I know it’s cliché and has been said three dozen times in this thread alone, but just be yourself. A lot of these guys have never been seriously approached by a girl before, let alone one as attractive as you, and it can be a major shock. You think I’m exaggerating – girl, I know of what I speak. The first time a girl ever hit on me, it confused the hell out of me. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to act, and I came off like a total idiot. Odds are these guys will do the same. To counter this, with any specific guy, persistence is the key. Once they get used to seeing you around, and having you talk to them as a friend, they’ll become comfortable enough to be themselves around you, too. You just have to give them some time. We nerds can be high-maintenence. Took me a while to get over that one – just ask my first ex. Still, we’re loads of fun once you get to know us. And we sure as hell appreciate the attention. …and my email’s in my profile. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/76 "2005-02-20T19:44:18Z")
> [@Knorf](#): > > **SusanStoHelit** I went to Oregon St. University myself, but sadly 13-17 years too early: I was there from 1988-92. Someone said you went to OSU (and your location says Oregon), don’t know why they know this. Anyway. I’m sure I’ve posted my university here before. It’s a big school, so my anonymity is relatively safe. If I see any Californian Engineers wandering around clutching a printout of my Teemingmillions profile, I’ll start to worry. Oh and Knorf- I’m going to make you feel old now: My _Dad_ graduated from OSU with his Masters in 1989. I was 7. **Roland** , just being myself has “blue-screened” (thanks kangaroo) too many potentials in the past. Hence the thread. [shallow]_checks photo thread_ - Fans self. Has a very naughty thought\* Babe, I could be very… um… persistent for you.[/shallow] ---
**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2005, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/77 "2005-02-20T21:38:15Z")
It also wouldn’t hurt to mention your current living arrangement. Don’t have to outright say "hey, y’know, I’m single and lookin’ "… just mention that you’ve had a quiet weekend… “yeah, just me and the cat, as usual.” See, I also fit the profile pretty well here, and I’ve learned over and over again that _just because she’s nice and smiles and actually talks to me, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything._ You don’t know the number of times I’ve thought that maybe someone might possibly be interested, only to find out later about their boyfriend/husband/three children. I was just imagining it. Conversely, we also appreciate when, if you aren’t single, that you promptly make some offhand comment about your SO, so we can quit worrying and move on. ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Orzabal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2005, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/78 "2005-02-21T03:17:30Z")
Just want to enthusiastically second what **drewbert** said. There is a very common mentality among the “quiet type” of guys that, until otherwise specifically mentioned, hot girl = taken, friendly girl = taken, and hot + friendly girl = taken + no chance in hell anyway. So, make sure you get it out there that you just _miiiight_ be on the market. Keep your chin up, too, **Susan**. If you’re a friendly person IRL, I absolutely guarantee that 99% of whatever problem you’re having is shyness on the part of your prospects, because it sure as heck ain’t your looks. Damn shame you’re all the way over in Oregon. That’s the problem with all this harmless online flirting…on the rare occassion you decide you might not mind actually meeting someone, you inevitably can’t. Ah well, whaddayagonna do. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![BlueKangaroo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3d9bf3/32.png) [@BlueKangaroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlueKangaroo)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2005, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-advice-needed-how-can-i-get-the-nerdy-guys-to-relax/290601/79 "2005-02-21T03:55:18Z")
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