# Dating Coach **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 29, 2010, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864 "2010-01-29T08:11:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/21 "2010-01-29T18:27:26Z")
I find the whole idea of a dating coach rather strange. Do people do this? It seems like it would make you come off as really phony. The whole thing about the chef’s scarves, for instance. If anyone had shown up with a chef’s scarf for me if I’d offered to cook, I would have just found it…strange. (Although I was a lot more likely to have sex on the first date than I was to offer to feed somebody. Some things should be reserved for a committed relationship.) If you went that route, you would probably end up with a woman with very traditional expectations. **Stranger,** you have always struck me as a very intelligent, fun person. Just ask lots of people out, and if they accept, go and do something you both find fun. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/22 "2010-01-29T18:34:02Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > And you may be right. But in my experience the walking around, arm-in-arm on a warm summer night with a breeze off the harbor… Maybe you just live in a shit city. Maybe you go to shit resturants that never have a wait to get in.:dubious: As **Maeglin** pointed out, I am in NYC. Technically Hoboken, NJ, but for all intents and purposes, it’s the same thing. I just think it would be a logistic pain in the ass to jump from restaurant to restaurant, get seated, eat and deal with the check. I do agree with you about the “arm-in-arm on a warm summer night with a breeze” stuff. Changing locations gives the impression of a much fuller and more robust date. But not between courses. A woman doesn’t want to feel like she’s being dragged through town. The way I would play it is to meet at the restaurant. Eat your meal like you normally would, but get desert somewhere else. “I know this great desert place..blah blah blah.” After desert maybe stop off for a drink at a quiet lounge or wine bar and then back to her place. > [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > She may be faking it until she’s making it, too. That’s the best situation of all. > > Then you can both lounge around in sweatpants and play XBox with each other. Nerdvana! Welcome to my world. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/23 "2010-01-29T18:35:29Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > You seem like a decent looking guy, although I’m probably not the best judge since I generally seek penis-free mates. Are you short? I’m dead average–5’10". My special super power is apparent invisibility to attractive women; they literally don’t see me unless I force myself directly in front of them, usually with negative response. (Not just my observation; it’s something of a running joke with my mates as to just how blatantly I’m being ignored.) Anyway, I’m not trying to seek advice about my deficiencies over a message board. I’m just wondering if anyone has had success finding and using a “professional” expert in this area. > [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > **Stranger,** you have always struck me as a very intelligent, fun person. Just ask lots of people out, and if they accept, go and do something you both find fun. If that was working for me, I wouldn’t be here like a lime in search of a vodka tonic, would I? Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/24 "2010-01-29T18:39:21Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > I know that I’m doing something badly wrong, but I don’t really know what. I will be interested to hear the answer if you ever figure it out. You seem like one of the top-tier posters around here to me, and I’ve seen your picture in the photo gallery…it’s a stumper. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/25 "2010-01-29T18:39:29Z")
Your friends don’t see you one-on-one in a date. You might be as “normal” as the next person just hanging out, and turn into a stony wall of silence as soon as the date shows up. How about if you surreptitiously film your next date and get us to critique it for you, **Stranger**? 😃 Oh yeah, the teeth mittens were totally for real. And they were _not_ spectacular! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/26 "2010-01-29T18:41:37Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Does anyone have experience evaluating, selecting, and using a “dating coach”? I PMed you. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/27 "2010-01-29T18:42:03Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Aren’t they all? > > My friends either can’t find or won’t reveal anything manifestly undate-able about me. (By this I mean my female friends; my guy friends assume by default that it is all the problem of women-at-large, and that I need to date “a better class of bitch” or somesuch, and thus, you can imagine why I don’t solicit counsel on the topic from them.) Regardless, I get stood up most of the time on dates made from online contacts, and almost invariably when a woman does show she seems to be forcibly uninterested and sometimes confrontational before I even have a chance to actively screw up the conversation. I had one meetup late last year that seemed to go well, and she responded positively to having dinner when I e-mailed her a couple days later, and thereafter seems to have dropped off the grid. The only “successful” second date I’ve had in several years was with a woman whose personality was as dry as a martini that won’t even acknowledge vermouth under torture, and couldn’t even pretend to find any of the comments I made at least as amusing as Charmin commercial. After listening to her go on about traffic for at least twenty minutes, undeterred by any effort on my part to steer the conversation onto some topic that might be of vaguely mutual interest, I got the check and forced the event to rapid termination. > > I know that I’m doing something badly wrong, but I don’t really know what. It’s not hygiene, I don’t think it is appearance, can figure out how it would be not meeting expectations, I don’t even seem to have a chance to bore a woman with some discourse on an arcane technical topic, so I’m at a loss. I do my best not to be a “nice guy” (i.e. passive-aggressive whiner, overly familiar or clingy, self-obsessed, et cetera). I don’t have a high squeeky voice or teeth that protrude sideways. I try to engage in interesting conversation (not work, origins, family, et cetera unless she seems especially enthused about that) and as questions rather than bluster on about myself. I’m at a loss as to what I could do differently or better. Huh. I’m having the exact same problem. Maybe you and I should go out? 😃 I even paid $20 for a book called “Catch Him and Keep Him.” The author – a man – pretty much laid out all the mistakes that women tend to make with men, which is just about everything you just posted above. What I found irritating about that book was that it was all about what the women do wrong and how they should change their behavior to be more attractive to guys. So where is the responsibility on the men? Why is the onus only on the women to behave a certain way? Don’t men have the same responsibility to behave in a way that’s attractive to women? It just bugged me that the book was so one-sided and didn’t acknowledge that some people are just jerks and/or have piss-poor communication skills. I, for one, despise the blow off. _That_’s what makes me call too much and creep toward psycho-stalker: I just want to know _what the hell I did wrong_ or what made the guy so sick that he couldn’t even be bothered to call, text, or email something like, “Hey that was fun. You are very nice, but not for me. Won’t be seeing you again.” I can take rejection. I welcome rejection over mysterious drop-off-the-planet blow off, which strikes me as rude and somewhat spineless. Guys, if you go out with me once and you don’t want to see me again, will you please just fucking tell me that? Don’t expect me to read your mind; I don’t expect you to read mine. GAH! That shit fills me with grr. ---
**Author:** ![vandal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/858c86/32.png) [@vandal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vandal)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/28 "2010-01-29T18:42:33Z")
It seems like you are being stood up more often than you are actually meeting them. So, there must be a problem in your planning somewhere. Perhaps you’re not building enough rapport or comfort with the woman before you go for the meet up. Are you doing this completely by e-mail? A lot of times it helps to get them on the phone and hear the other person’s voice. Your jokes hit better and the overall tone of the conversation is more well received. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/29 "2010-01-29T18:46:56Z")
And P.S. I would _love_ the restaurant crawl. That, in fact, sounds pretty cool to me. I’m a foodie and love to cook and grow a lot of my own food. I think it would be really cool to have an appetizer and a drink at one place, then check out the entrees (and more wine) at another place, then dessert some place else… Whaddya say, Stranger? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/30 "2010-01-29T18:54:23Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > So where is the responsibility on the men? Why is the onus only on the women to behave a certain way? Don’t men have the same responsibility to behave in a way that’s attractive to women? Yes, but that’s in a different book. I could use a few dozen copies of it, myself. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/31 "2010-01-29T18:57:44Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Aren’t they all? I’m going to assume you don’t say things like this on dates. > [@vandal](#): > > It seems like you are being stood up more often than you are actually meeting them. So, there must be a problem in your planning somewhere. Yeah, plus internet people are weird. My few attempts at internet dating have been miserable failures. I always assumed it was them and not me. Maybe I’m arrogant, but after declaring balls to trying to meet people from the internets, my percentage of successful dates dramatically increased. But nobody’s asking for dating advice from me, which is a good thing because I know fuckall about it. Bourbon I know. ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/32 "2010-01-29T18:59:31Z")
I think you should go out on a date with a Doper woman and she can report back. \ I’ll volunteer! ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/33 "2010-01-29T19:00:33Z")
Stranger, where exactly are you meeting these people in the first place? What dating sites have you tried, and what approach are you using for contacting people? For example, are you mainly emailing back and forth, do you exchange phone numbers and talk on the phone before meeting, how long after first getting in contact are you making plans and meeting up? I don’t really have any experience with dating coaches, or know what they would do that would be drastically different than an online service. But I could always offer my opinion on things if you want some free advice. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/34 "2010-01-29T19:04:23Z")
Yes, indeedy - go out with some Doper ladies and everyone report back! Us married folk have to live vicariously through somebody! Uh, not that married life isn’t living…I’m going to stop talking now. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/35 "2010-01-29T19:05:22Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Yes, indeedy - go out with some Doper ladies and everyone report back! Us married folk have to live vicariously through somebody! Uh, not that married life isn’t living…I’m going to stop talking now. What she said. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/36 "2010-01-29T19:11:59Z")
Where’s this photo thread? How am I going to get Stranger to take me out on a restaurant crawl if I don’t know where to post my pic? 😃 (He’s in Australia or something, right? Other side of the planet? My luck…) ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/37 "2010-01-29T19:14:57Z")
Direct link to the photo gallery: [http://www.nouilles.info/sdpix/index.html](http://www.nouilles.info/sdpix/index.html) Thread: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=539257](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=539257) ---
**Author:** ![Surly\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Surly\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surly_Chick)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/38 "2010-01-29T19:20:03Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > How am I going to get Stranger to take me out on a restaurant crawl if I don’t know where to post my pic? Hey! Back off, **Dog!** I called dibs! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/39 "2010-01-29T19:21:33Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Whaddya say, Stranger? 😉 If he says yes, don’t stand him up. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864/40 "2010-01-29T19:23:32Z")
Shit, man, you’ve been propositioned like five times in this one thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-coach/526864.md?page=3)