# Dating: Friend rejection. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 20, 2017, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177 "2017-08-20T06:29:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/21 "2017-08-21T14:31:15Z")
There’s no escaping The Friend Zone. Been there, done that. I found the only way to get over being in love with a friend is to fall for someone else. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/22 "2017-08-21T15:12:11Z")
Yes. Thank you. I am glad again to have put it to rest with her. Still another one of my friends is now dating a friend she has had for years. It might be unlikely but it can happen. You’re right, no one is missing out. I was a little drunk last night with my last post. Admittedly a bit upset again. Cause I really would like a relationship, and it’s hard to keep going through rejections as a decent person. I know I should not care. I often don’t, but sometimes I do. And the beat goes on. Get back to life. Work, fam, friends, hobbies, keep having fun, have adventures, be kind, and hopeful. I’m considering this year to post reminders in my condo so I keep being strong. I sometimes worry I’ll hit an age and still be single, and then be hit with a massive wave of regret. Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/23 "2017-08-21T16:01:08Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > I’m considering this year to post reminders in my condo so I keep being strong. I sometimes worry I’ll hit an age and still be single, and then be hit with a massive wave of regret. Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen. > [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > It’s not even that anyone’s missed out, it’s that none of them were the right person for you. The work you’ve done and the things you have to offer don’t mean that the wrong person is missing out; they mean that, when you do run into the right person, a) you’re both more likely to realise this is right, and b) your relationship will be stronger and healthier and more fun. > > Relationship luck is weird, man. A few of the best people I know were single for years and years; none of us could figure it out, specially given that much less appealing people were getting into relationships no problem. They’re all in relationships now - not because they somehow deserve it more, just because they finally happened to meet the right people. And because they’re so great, those relationships are (as far as I can tell) also great. Print this out and post that as your reminder. This is the piece of the puzzle that you are missing. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/24 "2017-08-21T16:25:26Z")
Done. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/25 "2017-08-21T16:38:07Z")
> [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > It’s not even that anyone’s missed out, it’s that none of them were the right person for you. The work you’ve done and the things you have to offer don’t mean that the wrong person is missing out; they mean that, when you do run into the right person, a) you’re both more likely to realise this is right, and b) your relationship will be stronger and healthier and more fun. > > Relationship luck is weird, man. A few of the best people I know were single for years and years; none of us could figure it out, specially given that much less appealing people were getting into relationships no problem. They’re all in relationships now - not because they somehow deserve it more, just because they finally happened to meet the right people. And because they’re so great, those relationships are (as far as I can tell) also great. > [@hajario](#): > > Print this out and post that as your reminder. This is the piece of the puzzle that you are missing. I would caution anyone against trusting completely to luck. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/26 "2017-08-21T16:48:11Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > I would caution anyone against trusting completely to luck. I’m not sure anyone is saying that. More like “luck favors the prepared”. There is a huge element of luck in meeting someone you connect with, but you’re more likely to be successful if you are out there enjoying and participating in life, being happy, meeting lots of people, doing things you like to do. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/27 "2017-08-21T17:02:25Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I’m not sure anyone is saying that. More like “luck favors the prepared”. There is a huge element of luck in meeting someone you connect with, but you’re more likely to be successful if you are out there enjoying and participating in life, being happy, meeting lots of people, doing things you like to do. This. I’ve been on tons of first dates. Almost all of them are meh. I mean the women are nice enough but no spark. And once in a while there is a one way spark. Those suck either way but really it should be once in a while. If you feel a spark on most of your dates, something is off. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/28 "2017-08-21T18:25:26Z")
Agree with “Fortune favours the prepared.” I’m actually pretty glad that my screening process is so much more disciplined and thorough now. In fact making moves and asking others out is really pretty straightforward I feel. I don’t often miss chances, or at least I don’t feel that way. I have a good sense of when the right time to say or do something is. If I haven’t asked someone or put myself forward, I’m usually pretty OK with the reasoning behind it. One of the things I am learning more about is exactly the things I want to keep going in my life and in what quanitity. It’s pretty basic: Job, Fitness, friends, family, music, reading. I’d like to keep dance…but that’s maybe the only one on the fence to lose…dancing with other women can be a turn off (obviously I have to admit it). Otherwise: If I could get an hour a day for the gym/yoga/running/whatever, and keep working, then really, I’d be happy to support her and do things she would like. Hopefully we could be a physically active couple and some of those things together. Healthy lifestyle matters to me. Now that I’m getting deeper into my Yoga practice…I’m even now open again to a person who has a laid back respectful religious / spiritual background. Cause I kinda have one now as well. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/29 "2017-08-21T19:53:36Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I’m not sure anyone is saying that. More like “luck favors the prepared”. There is a huge element of luck in meeting someone you connect with, but you’re more likely to be successful if you are out there enjoying and participating in life, being happy, meeting lots of people, doing things you like to do. Yeah, well, I’ve been prepared for 30 years. Luck can get off its ass any time now. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/30 "2017-08-21T22:09:16Z")
Dammit,\*\* Quasi\*\* and **Robot Arm** break my heart. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2017, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/31 "2017-08-21T23:15:54Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > Dammit,\*\* Quasi\*\* and **Robot Arm** break my heart. ☹ There, but for standing near the beer keg at the right time twenty some years ago, go I. I hope life turns in a way that pleasantly surprises you guys. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2017, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/32 "2017-08-22T02:33:18Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > Dammit,\*\* Quasi\*\* and **Robot Arm** break my heart. ☹ > [@P-man](#): > > There, but for standing near the beer keg at the right time twenty some years ago, go I. I hope life turns in a way that pleasantly surprises you guys. Thanks, both. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2017, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/33 "2017-08-22T05:16:33Z")
As well. Thanks both. Can I say something? I’m really also worried I’m gonna lower my standards at some point for the sake of finding “the relationship”. I mean I’ve taken up drinking beers much more often again…even smoked pot around a campfire this summer. I’m pretty health conscious…but my streams of thoughts are like the above. Maybe I need to dumb myself down and do stupid things to end up with someone. Seems like more type-a / organized guys like me have a harder time. Maybe…I know nothing. Ah…I love you all for caring. It means a lot. I’d hate to live my full life and not meet that person that would be special to me. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2017, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/34 "2017-08-22T12:09:24Z")
Quasi - it took me 44 years to find the right one - so hang in there! I married the wrong one in my 20s, and that took 10 years to acknowledge and undo. Went a little crazy in the “date everything that moves” category for about 6 months just trying to make up time, and then realized that wasn’t really me - but it did help me figure out what I bring to a relationship and what I need from a relationship - and then I felt that I had something to go by. I got in a few long-term relationships that I thought were “the one” and even though they caused me tears - each time I raised the bar on what I really wanted and needed. The last one broke my heart, even though I knew in my head it was over anyway. But it made me really examine harder what I wanted, vs what I was settling for. I met my husband 3 years ago - after a long enough time for me to heal and get the dating merry-go-round out of my system - I had a 90 day rule to keep my heart protected - no relationship declaring until 90 days - and no guy ever made the cut. But then I also wasn’t leading him on. My husband and I had actually been at the same events and knew the same people but had never seen each other or met. So I do agree, it’s about timing, and being ready, and not being afraid. But it’s also so worth waiting for the right one. So don’t despair, the truth, and true love, is out there. Just keep being open to it - I know you will find it. **hugs** ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2017, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/35 "2017-08-22T15:59:34Z")
I think you were right to just get things out in the open. I also find if I am going to have a female “friend”, it has to be in a context of something other than the quasi-dates you go on with her. For example I can have a friend thru say work where we work on the same project but its strictly work related, sports where say we play on the same team, or activities where say at school where we are on the same PTA committee. But no way would it involve things like dancing, romantic walks/talks, or the such. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2017, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/36 "2017-08-22T22:17:20Z")
Yes, when she invited me and we had a good time, I think part of my asking was cause I would not want such things to continue. I mean sure it’s nice. But I’d like to save my energy and desire to do such things with someone who genuinely wants to be in a relationship. Nothing beats a couple of days of solid accomplishments. Did well on my training runs today, paid the bills, had a good talk with a pal, and am doing well at musical rehearsals. Confidence coming back. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2017, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/37 "2017-08-24T04:48:01Z")
And now after I’ve written the above, I’m hit tonight with that aforementioned wave of regret. At music rehearsals tonight, I feel so damn old and lonely at almost 35. I sometimes wonder if life had gone slightly different in a few key ways…if I would not have the lonely problems I do. Just sleep Quasi, morning makes it better. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2017, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/38 "2017-08-24T05:47:46Z")
> [@Quasimodal](#): > > And now after I’ve written the above, I’m hit tonight with that aforementioned wave of regret. At music rehearsals tonight, I feel so damn old and lonely at almost 35. I sometimes wonder if life had gone slightly different in a few key ways…if I would not have the lonely problems I do. > > Just sleep Quasi, morning makes it better. You’re peaking too early this week. I shouldn’t be flippant. I know how tough it can be. I don’t have a cure, but I hope you can manage the symptoms a bit. Lick your wounds, keep your sense of humor, learn what you’re supposed to learn from it, visit with your friends or family, or just do something you’ve always wanted to. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2017, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/39 "2017-08-25T16:01:11Z")
It’s cause i’m off work, I go back next week. I know that will be good for me. Too much alone time with my brain. ---
**Author:** ![race\_to\_the\_bottom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c4cdca/32.png) [@race\_to\_the\_bottom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/race_to_the_bottom)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2017, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177/40 "2017-08-26T06:19:03Z")
> [@BobLibDem](#): > > There’s no escaping The Friend Zone. Been there, done that. I found the only way to get over being in love with a friend is to fall for someone else. Ya, been there. It can be hard. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-friend-rejection/794177.md?page=1)