# Dating problem.....possibly. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 27, 2005, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188 "2005-10-27T19:14:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![BAMM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4da419/32.png) [@BAMM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BAMM)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/21 "2005-10-28T01:57:00Z")
> [@John Carter of Mars](#): > > No, no and NO! Something like that is the absolute minimum you can do, and you must do it, if you’re to avoid falling into the dreaded “friend” category. Better dead than “friend”. > Make some kind of move or statement that clearly indicates that you like her in _that_ way. A kiss with some tongue is good, but if that seems a little fast for you, then this: will do fine. > > Good luck! I just saw this… **John Carter of Mars** is absolutely right, if you want to be more than a friend then you have to ask her out on Saturday for a real date. It’s only a moment of agony when you actually ask but the results are worth it! Don’t go the easy route of dinner and a movie either. Actually, that’s just good advice all around, don’t do movies for the first 4 dates at least. Too passive and they don’t let you get to know each other. Anyway, back to the point at hand, you will want to ask her to do something stimulating so you can both have fun. I already mentioned museum and zoo but walks and bike rides are always good and can give you a chance to pack a picnic to take with you. Trust me when I say “chicks dig guys who cook”! Make an effort and you will be rewarded. ---
**Author:** ![Habanero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d9b06d/32.png) [@Habanero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Habanero)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/22 "2005-10-28T02:12:24Z")
> [@push you down](#): > > Call her… try to pick a time that you suspect she might not answer… Not too early in the morning or anything. Just some time she might be in another class or eating dinner… Hopefully get her voice mail… Leave a friendly message and give her your phone number. > If she calls you back right away… She’s interested. If she doesn’t call you until the next day it’s all up in the air… but if she doesn’t call until the the day after that… She’s looking to cheat off your paper. This guy’s playing tennis. However, the idea is a good one. > [@silentgoldfish](#): > > No, creepy stalkerish would be saying that she looks really pretty in the shower. Bwahahaha ---
**Author:** ![partlycloudy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/partlycloudy/32/3114_2.png) [@partlycloudy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/partlycloudy)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/23 "2005-10-28T05:53:39Z")
> [@KlondikeGeoff](#): > > One more bit of advice it took me years to learn (“if I knew then what I know now” dept.) > > Be interested in\*\* her\*\*! Too often we guys try to be clever,smart, and talk about ourselves until we make fools of ourselves. Amen! This is a key communication skill. Most people are so busy talking about themselves that they don’t realize the other person might have something to say too. I enjoy getting to know people, so it’s easy for me to get along with different kinds of people (because there are _always_ people that are willing to talk about themselves). And since she seems to be interested in you anyway, this is just bound to make her even more interested! Go for it, and good job asking her out for coffee. ---
**Author:** ![Nilor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a4c791/32.png) [@Nilor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nilor)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/24 "2005-10-28T06:31:52Z")
> [@silentgoldfish](#): > > No, creepy stalkerish would be saying that she looks really pretty in the shower. Offer to sell her the video ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/25 "2005-10-28T07:23:31Z")
Just don’t fall into the “when should I call? Is 2 days too soon? Is 6 days too long??” If you feel like calling, just CALL. Don’t stress out about it too much. ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/26 "2005-10-28T15:41:52Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > Maybe invite her to a Haloween party? A few local frats put on great haunted houses, with the price of admission being a canned food donation. Anything like that? > > If you have a group thing you can do, do it. Less pressure. Otherwise, stick to coffee or a bike ride through campus or something else non-threatening. Avoid situations where you’ll be totally alone. Be specific: say, “The Beanery, 4pm, Wednesday.” I’m gonna agree with all of SusanStoHelit’s advice (and really, it’s quite good) except this part right here. Going to something in a group situation is less likely to allow you to interact with her as much, and it will probably lead you to tend to put on your “in a group” persona vs your “one on one” persona. Nothing wrong with doing group things, mind you, but if she came out and gave you her number, I am thinking this is not what she wants. Ask her somewhere where you can be together, seperable frmo groups, but not completely alone. I took my wife bowling during our lunch hour (why yes, I was incredibly dense, but she thought it was cute). Talk a little about yourself, but the real kicker is to ask questions of her when she starts talking. Not questions like “who’s your favorite rap singer?” Instead, if she expresses an opinion on something, ask what has led her to that opinion…basically, deepen the conversation somewhat, so she knows you are itnerested in her. that’s the most important part, showing her you’re interested in her without having to say the clumsy, awkward words “I’m interested in you.” If you can get that down, you’re golden. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/27 "2005-10-28T17:56:28Z")
Girls are onto the whole “calling when you know she can’t answer” thing? Shiiiiiiitttttt. Sure it is game playing but this guy is freaking out as it is. If he called her and she wan’t there that takes he pressure off. He can leave a nice message and then see if she calls him back. It’s clear she is forward enough to not have a problem with it so how is letting him bunt to get to first base (NOT that first base) a bad thing? to the OP Depending on the time of the coffee date, you may want to do a little research and see if there is something going on (movie, street festival etc.) about two hours after the date time. That way if things are going well and it is clear that you both might want to continue the date… you have something in the hopper to suggest. This worked amazingly for me once. A early afternoon coffee date turned into a matinee turned into dinner turned into renting movies turned into me coming home at 2:00 in the morning. Good times. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/28 "2005-10-28T21:13:41Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > You’re in good company, then. Many, many Dopers (myself included) are in the same boat. Lookup **Stranger on a Train’s** threads for more confirmation. [post=5737844]Oh[/post], [post=5770518]thanks[/post] [thread=308497]a lot[/thread]! 😉 Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/29 "2005-10-28T21:24:13Z")
> [@BAMM](#): > > I just saw this… **John Carter of Mars** is absolutely right, if you want to be more than a friend then you have to ask her out on Saturday for a real date. I think you can start with a simple coffee date. And I’d recommend that you _not_ say something about how nervous you are. If you’re a little nervous, that’s OK–but don’t make it her business to put you at ease. You’re a guy, you’ve got a lot to offer, you can deal with a little anxiety. You want her to know that you want to give her a good first impression–and while you’re impressed by her, you’re not some neurotic who’s going to turn a simple date into a psychotherapy session. If I were you, I’d treat this like a possible meeting with a friend, but a possible date. Call her, be casual, suggest something to do–say, going for lunch or coffee or something. If that works well, go for a Saturday night “this-is-very-much-a-date” sort of thing. This way, there’s a minimum of pressure on either of you. ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2005, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/30 "2005-10-28T21:44:28Z")
i > [@](#): > > **KlondikeGeoff said** Be interested in her! Too often we guys try to be clever,smart, and talk about ourselves until we make fools of ourselves. This is possibly the most critical thing to recall. Don’t try to be clever and be a show off. Do try to act naturally and ask her questions. Don’t monopolize the conversation. If she gave you her number, she is probably very interested. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2005, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/31 "2005-10-29T00:04:29Z")
> [@Push You Down](#): > > Girls are onto the whole “calling when you know she can’t answer” thing? Shiiiiiiitttttt. > Sure it is game playing but this guy is freaking out as it is. If he called her and she wan’t there that takes he pressure off. He can leave a nice message and then see if she calls him back. It’s clear she is forward enough to not have a problem with it so how is letting him bunt to get to first base (NOT that first base) a bad thing? . . . Being nervous is kind of cute. Freaking out is not. If a guy isn’t mature enough to deal with making one simple phone call, it’s going to mark him as a loser to a lot of women. Other than that, great advice, **Push You Down**. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2005, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/32 "2005-10-29T17:15:24Z")
Update. It was all going pretty well. Sadly, though, when I asked her what other plans she had for the weekend, she said she was planning on “going back home later today to see my boyfriend”. I’m proud of myself in that I didn’t pause here, but I think the conversation went on pretty normally. Oh well. I guess at least I know whether she likes me or not for certain now. Thanks for your support, anyway, everyone 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2005, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/33 "2005-10-29T18:13:31Z")
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: It sounds like the young lady is a bit of a cunt. You did good, **Revenant Threshold** , and I’m proud of you. Someday this will make a good story. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2005, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/34 "2005-10-29T18:27:02Z")
_hugs **Revenant Threshold** , because Og smash it, if he was in Canada, I’d go out for coffee with him and not drop boyfriend-bombs like the girl did_ ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2005, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/35 "2005-10-29T18:47:45Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > :eek :eek :eek :eek :eek :eek :eek > > It sounds like the young lady is a bit of a cunt. Well, let’s not go overboard. He didn’t catch a steaknife in the hand, he got his friendship valued. It sucks, but the girl did manage to drop it on him pretty quickly. This is definitely a no-hard-feelings situation. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2005, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/36 "2005-10-29T19:21:17Z")
> [@saoirse](#): > > Well, let’s not go overboard. He didn’t catch a steaknife in the hand, he got his friendship valued. It sucks, but the girl did manage to drop it on him pretty quickly. This is definitely a no-hard-feelings situation. She set him up the bomb. ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2005, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/37 "2005-10-29T19:48:37Z")
She just wants to cheat off your paper. Lame. ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2005, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/38 "2005-10-30T03:18:34Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > She set him up the bomb. How dare she want to be friends with him! ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2005, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/39 "2005-10-30T04:15:42Z")
> [@Silentgoldfish](#): > > How dare she want to be friends with him! Yeah, right. :rolleyes: Hands him a number, unbidden, and the tibbets the previously unmentioned B-bomb in casual conversation during the successive call. I dinna know how it translates in upsidedown vernacular, but here we calls this the “ol’ bait-and-switch”. :o Don’t take it personally, mate. Some girls just like to be pursued by a herd, even when they’ve no intention of butchery–er, so to speak. On the other hand, if I may be permitted to mix agricultural metaphors, that she’s cultivating other fields for harvest. In my personal, unqualified, highly questionable, and doubtless-to-be-ignored opinion you should just ignore any baiting and feign an air of utter indifference to any romantic possibilities, to the point of commenting (politely, not crassly) upon the attractive attributes of other women to her. Complete apathy seems to be an aphrodisiac, provided of course there is some latent interest to begin with. (On the other hand, insouciance in the face of disinterest goes nowhere…but then, generally neither does pursuit.) Other fish in the sea and all that jazz. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’m going to go out to a bar and have women completely ignore any attempt I make to initiate a conversation, get a bit to eat at Fred’s and watch the waitress attempt to keep drunks from falling out of their booths, then come home and pass out. And some say (quite wrongly) that we’re the high point of evolution? Fah. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2005, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188/40 "2005-10-30T04:53:27Z")
Yeah, right yourself. If she’d led him on for a few dates before mentioning the boyfriend then I’d see your point but coming out with it that early on means she wants to be friends with him and wasn’t leading him on. If someone giving you their phone number is hitting on you then I’d better revise the number of times I’ve apparantly been hit on :rolleyes:. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-problem-possibly/328188.md?page=3)