# Dating someone who is "ideal," or on their way to becoming "ideal?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 5, 2015, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106 "2015-08-05T22:37:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2015, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/1 "2015-08-05T22:37:13Z")
Let’s say that you \*\*\*knew \*\*\*someone was going to be an “ideal” spouse. (That’s the hypothetical, you know this, don’t fight the hypothetical.) Would you prefer to date them when they are a finished, ideal product, or when they are on their way to being that ideal product? To use an example: Let’s say that you’ve always wanted to marry a brain surgeon. (There are, of course, numerous factors that go into whether a spouse is “ideal” or not, but for simplicity’s sake let’s just isolate it down to this one factor for now.) Would you prefer to date this person when they are fully entrenched in success in a neurosurgeon career - have already been a successful neurosurgeon for a while? Or would you prefer to date them earlier, when they are still in med school, on their way to becoming a neurosurgeon? Another way of phrasing it: Would you rather date your ideal future spouse-to-be when they are in the midst of their long and hard journey to becoming who they will be, or would you rather date them when they’ve already arrived at their journey’s destination? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2015, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/2 "2015-08-05T23:06:11Z")
For me the things that make an ideal spouse/partner aren’t a career or occupation, its the intangible qualities such as how they communicate, relate, deal with conflict, shared views, etc. If the person I’m dating is _ **on their way** _ to developing those qualities, there is a high risk they won’t get there. Never date someone that you think can be fixed. Most likely they aren’t going to change. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2015, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/3 "2015-08-05T23:09:07Z")
If the person is “ideal,” I’d like to start dating them as soon as possible, so we can share more time and life experiences together. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2015, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/4 "2015-08-06T01:42:18Z")
Hard to say. Being together during harder times would bond you better together, but being together during the good times would be less stressful. I’d probably pick them when they were ideal, since my definition of ideal involves a lot of personal growth emotionally and I know a lot of that can be painful and traumatic for people, and people around them get caught up in it. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2015, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/5 "2015-08-06T02:41:30Z")
I’d prefer the finished product for both reasons alluded to above: first because, hypothetical fighting or no, I learned the hard way not to pick a fixer-upper. There’s a lot of risk that they won’t in fact become ideal. But also because during the trauma and drama of making the mistakes needed to become ideal, there’s a high risk that I (not knowing that the hypothetical fairy has blessed this person) wouldn’t be able to hack it, and I would do/say/be something destructive to the relationship. Because I’m not ideal. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2015, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/6 "2015-08-06T03:13:54Z")
Given that people aren’t finished until we’re dead, I’ll take someone who’s on the way - so long as the “on the way” is good enough. Mind you, I never got married: my notions of good enough may be too picky 🙂 With someone who was 100% perfect I’d wonder what the hell was he doing with me and how was change going to break him. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2015, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/7 "2015-08-06T05:00:26Z")
You run a high risk that if you wait someone else will grab that person up. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2015, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/8 "2015-08-06T11:39:47Z")
At 43, I prefer someone that is finished, if we are talking about something such as schooling. In the case of your brain surgeon, I would definitely prefer the finished person. I wouldn’t be interested in dating a guy that is just starting on this path. That type of schooling is intense, to say the least. Then there would be the fact of him more than likely moving away for a residency. By the time he would be finished, we’d be in our 60s. If I were younger this wouldn’t be an issue at all. Like others, I think of the emotional aspect of being finished. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am right now. I have no interest in fixing someone or dealing with endless drama. I want a companion, not a project. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2015, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/9 "2015-08-06T15:00:39Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > If the person is “ideal,” I’d like to start dating them as soon as possible, so we can share more time and life experiences together. And after they lie in your bed, they’re perfect. Well, the perfect length anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2015, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/10 "2015-08-06T15:45:33Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > For me the things that make an ideal spouse/partner aren’t a career or occupation, its the intangible qualities such as how they communicate, relate, deal with conflict, shared views, etc. If the person I’m dating is _ **on their way** _ to developing those qualities, there is a high risk they won’t get there. Never date someone that you think can be fixed. Most likely they aren’t going to change. I agree. The ideal person for me isn’t that the have a certain career or certain interests, it’s that they have certain qualities, like being smart, funny, kind, and thoughtful. If someone is ideal in the qualities they have, it doesn’t matter to me if they are still in an early stage of their career or other life goals. But you can’t wait on someone to develop qualities. With becoming a brain surgeon, there’s a definite end goal, and you can see when they’ll get there, and how close they are to it. But if someone needs to work on being better at planning ahead, or being more compassionate, you don’t know when they’ll get there or if they ever do. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2015, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/11 "2015-08-06T17:09:24Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > If the person I’m dating is _ **on their way** _ to developing those qualities, there is a high risk they won’t get there. Never date someone that you think can be fixed. Most likely they aren’t going to change. The hypothetical in the OP, though, specifies that the person \*\*will \*\*get there. There is no uncertainty risk. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2015, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dating-someone-who-is-ideal-or-on-their-way-to-becoming-ideal/727106/12 "2015-08-06T18:24:11Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > The hypothetical in the OP, though, specifies that the person \*\*will \*\*get there. There is no uncertainty risk. That’s like saying **you know** that the person is going to mature into a responsible person. I’m gonna have to fight the hypothetical on that one. Too many people I’ve seen just haven’t done it.