# Daughter sneaking alcohol. Response? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 9, 2015, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234 "2015-04-09T17:35:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2015, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/41 "2015-04-13T16:51:21Z")
It’s amazing how many people said some sort of variant on “I don’t have kids but…” There’s got to be a consequence. People, and especially kids, are selfish. Consequences like being unable to drive turn it from some nebulous, theoretical thing to something real, concrete, and hopefully immediate. ---
**Author:** ![prettydorky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@prettydorky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/prettydorky)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2015, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/42 "2015-04-13T17:19:07Z")
I personally am a fan of a warning the first time. Even if people don’t have kids, they WERE kids, and anyone who’s ever been a teenager knows you don’t trust a hard-ass. Which means that the small teenage scrapes that could be easily remedied by getting help from an adult get hidden and fester, and become huge teenage crises. But yes of course consequences are important. And every kid is different too. What works for mine won’t for yours. So go with your gut and make sure you do it as a united front with the mother. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2015, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/43 "2015-04-13T17:26:13Z")
Yeah- warning only this time. The car thing is “and here’s your future should you continue.” So - the next question. Do I tell the parents of her friend that was over? Do they deserve to know? ---
**Author:** ![TroutMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troutman/32/6721_2.png) [@TroutMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroutMan)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2015, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/44 "2015-04-13T17:57:12Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > So - the next question. Do I tell the parents of her friend that was over? Do they deserve to know? On one hand, they deserve to know. But telling them will drive more of a wedge between you and your daughter, so you have to balance it against that. If something serious had happened, then I’d say definitely tell them. For something relatively minor like this, I probably wouldn’t unless I knew the parents personally. It really depends on the specific circumstances - how well you know them, how well you know the girl, how big a deal this would be for them, how big it is for you, etc. (Yes, I have kids.) ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2015, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/45 "2015-04-13T18:00:52Z")
I don’t know the parents. Just a handshake across the lintel once. Yeah, they deserve to know but, you’re right, I don’t know the consequences for their daughter. Nothing serious did happen. My temptation, because I don’t want the conflict, is to not say anything. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2015, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/46 "2015-04-13T20:56:57Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > So - the next question. Do I tell the parents of her friend that was over? Do they deserve to know? I reread the thread, but I didn’t see…are you 100% sure this happened when the friend was over and that the friend was drinking? If not, I would not bring it up. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2015, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/47 "2015-04-13T21:52:25Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > I reread the thread, but I didn’t see…are you 100% sure this happened when the friend was over and that the friend was drinking? If not, I would not bring it up. That’s what I was gonna ask. I thought he didn’t know for sure if it was just his daughter or if it was her and her friend. Telling them should be considered if you know for sure\* she also sneak-drank Mike’s. If it’s only one possibility, it’s super shitty to tell her parents she DID. - not meaning security cam footage ;), but meaning his daughter tells him that her friend was involved or answers affirmatively to the question. ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2015, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/48 "2015-04-13T22:31:57Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > It’s amazing how many people said some sort of variant on “I don’t have kids but…” I do have kids… Mike’s Hard Lemonade is far less serious than many other things she could have done. None the less, sneaking something she knows she isn’t supposed to do needs to be addressed. Just don’t go overboard. I’d start by showing her the empty bottles and telling her where you found them and ask her to explain. Her answers decide how the rest goes, but assuming she is honest I’d just talk about the consequences of bad decisions and that it disappoints you to be deceived and taken advantage of. I probably wouldn’t dole out a punishment but I would ask her to decide on what the punishment will be if it ever happens again. ---
**Author:** ![Buck\_Godot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/buck_godot/32/6573_2.png) [@Buck\_Godot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_Godot)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2015, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/49 "2015-04-14T19:24:28Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > It’s amazing how many people said some sort of variant on “I don’t have kids but…” > > There’s got to be a consequence. People, and especially kids, are selfish. Consequences like being unable to drive turn it from some nebulous, theoretical thing to something real, concrete, and hopefully immediate. Recalling my life as a teen, talk was consequence. Getting caught and having an enforced heart to heart talk with the parent about the consequences of my actions was just about the most uncomfortable thing I could imagine. It depends on the kid of course, but to me, first offense with no aggravating circumstances, warrants 15-30 minute squriming while the parent goes on about house rules and the reason for them, followed by the indication that if this happens again there will be more direct consequences, ideally with specifics defined… ---
**Author:** ![Koolkat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Koolkat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koolkat)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/50 "2020-02-27T16:14:34Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Education education education. Your daughter needs to understand about addiction, what it feels like, what it does to the thought process, and how powerful even the most seemingly inoffensive substances become once addiction sets in. She needs to understand that while it will be going on around as she gets older, it is actually illegal for her to drink now, and there are very good reasons for that. One of which is that studies have shown the earlier drinking starts, the more likely it is to end with addiction. Another is the way that some males will use it to lower a females inhibitions. > > At this age kids most often get into trouble with booze if being drunk is the only time they feel happy or relaxed or just like they are having fun. > > Talk about types of fun, and which are appropriate at her age. Find out whether she has enough access to fun activities, or if she and her friend were defaulting to booze out of sheer boredom. > > Talk about the risk of allowing booze to become a default for relaxation, and other methods to help her wind down from the stress of school, social life and other responsibilities, all of which are increasing enormously at this age. > > Ask about whether she is happy in general. If not, why not, and how can you help? Ask yourself how often you hear her laugh, or see her smile? Are you making sure it is often, and that happiness is her standard mode? > > Ask about the friend. Does this friend drink often, or was this a one-shot deal? Check for lipstick on the bottle openings, you may be able to tell who drank what, or at least whether two different people drank one bottle each. > > I definitely agree with telling her Mom, and discussing this as a family; but I get that this is not always possible. Do it if you can. It seems to me that the hardest decision you need to make is whether to tell the friend’s parents. > > Bottom line, make sure she knows that she can come to you with concerns. Don’t let this conversation become angry or scary. Maybe the friend’s parents are abusive, in which case telling them would be a huge betrayal. Or maybe the friend needs help, in which case you can go to the school counselor or your pediatrician if you can’t go to her parents. > > Or maybe they just tried drinking for the first time, and only drank one bottle each, in which case she just needs to know where this path can lead, and that you are a safe source of information and guidance. > > I would also be very careful about phrasing how the bottles were found. The perception of a step-parent “snooping” in a teenagers room is freighted with potential negatives. > > Good luck, and good-on-you for taking this seriously! Thank you so much for this! Great advice! ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/51 "2020-02-27T16:35:21Z")
Definitely have a talk and a consequence of some sort. You should expect your kid to follow the house rules. Having posted a similar problem at end of last year, I will tell you that I had received crazy advice from some commenters - basically that I should accept that my teens take drugs and what’s the big deal. It is a big deal. And you should take it seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/52 "2020-02-27T16:53:14Z")
Note - this is a 5 year old zombie. The kid is almost old enough now to drink legally. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/53 "2020-02-27T17:45:09Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Definitely have a talk and a consequence of some sort. > You should expect your kid to follow the house rules. Having posted a similar problem at end of last year, I will tell you that I had received crazy advice from some commenters - basically that I should accept that my teens take drugs and what’s the big deal. > It is a big deal. And you should take it seriously. No. In that thread, and in the Pit thread it spawned, people told - and showed - you that your fears about the effects of marijuana use were legitimate but extremely exaggerated, that your insistence that marijuana use led inevitably to addiction, homelessness, and poverty was flat-out wrong, and that your response to your sons’ “betrayal” - by cutting them out of your life - was emotionally abusive and far more deleterious to their future mental health than smoking weed. An aspect of the discussion you never actually addressed. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/54 "2020-02-27T18:14:27Z")
I didn’t catch that this was a zombie but I was going to tell the OP to essentially do the opposite of **Declanium** in the other thread. ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/55 "2020-02-27T20:29:44Z")
Wow. Contrary to popular report my daughter did not turn into a Zombie. She did, however, turn into an unwed mother whose meth-head baby-daddy died in a crash on a stolen motorcycle crushed under a Semi-truck. The boy she wrongly accused of being the baby-daddy is fighting her for custody of my grand-daughter. Oh - she she doesn’t speak to me anymore because I, reportedly, just don’t care about her (which means I stopped giving her money). ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/56 "2020-02-27T20:44:12Z")
See! **Declanium** is right! ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/57 "2020-02-27T20:47:06Z")
…I’ll go on to say that I don’t see this as cause and effect but all as symptoms of an ongoing tendency to make bad decisions. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/58 "2020-02-27T20:54:11Z")
Truly sorry to hear that, **Belrix**. That’s got to be hard for a parent to handle. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/59 "2020-02-27T20:56:27Z")
If you want to punish a teenager, take her phone either for a specified period, or until she earns it back by completing whatever goal you feel is appropriate. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2020, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234/60 "2020-02-27T21:22:56Z")
when he stated that the mother was a “bad girl” and it sounded like it was a sort of source of pride with her I was going to say i dont think anything he could have done other than telling her not to do it at your house would of stuck as shes just go back and do it at moms house And with the update, it sounds like its "daughter like mother " [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-sneaking-alcohol-response/717234.md?page=4)