# Daughter writes brutally honest obituary about her deceased father
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [February 14, 2017, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786 "2017-02-14T00:30:02Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Skara\_Brae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skara_Brae)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/21 "2017-02-15T00:00:39Z")
Things like this always remind me of an episode of _ **ER** _. A man comes in with his daughter. The man is obviously dying, but the daughter keeps insisting they do everything possible to prolong his life. The doctors think she’s in denial, and try to explain that it’s futile and her father is in horrible pain, but she keeps insisting.
As the episode goes on, we realize that the father was abusing, and the daughter is keeping him alive to make him suffer. :eek: In the end, the doctor tells her despite everything, her father is going to die, and she breaks down and sobs, “It isn’t enough.”
Anyone else remember that one?
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### Author:  [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/22 "2017-02-15T01:59:50Z")
Every person going after the daughter makes me wonder if they’re see just a little too much of themselves in that obituary.
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### Author:  [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/23 "2017-02-15T04:18:54Z")
> [@ivylass](#):
>
> Probably to keep people like you away.
>
> Not everyone has a good family. It takes courage to stand up and say, “No, I’m not sorry he’s dead.”
:rolleyes: I have worked with victims of abuse of any description you care to think about, spousal, parental, sibling, college, clerical you name it. It takes zilch courage to write a hatchet job in the local paper against a dead guy.
Apparently, we are allowed personal insults in MPSIMS
> [@](#):
>
> It may have been cathartic for her. For all we know, she was so terrified of her father the only way she could get closure was to get in the last word.
>
> Since I don’t think obituaries are mandatory, she could have just not written one in the first place. The opposite of love isn’t hate but apathy. But we don’t know what she went through.
For all we know she abused him and is getting one or two last hits. Or they fought over money, inheritance, family breakdown and made spurious accusations against each other.
The only think we know is that she wrote an anonymous obituary which is uncontested. And said uncontested obit makes her look like an asshole.
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### Author:  [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/24 "2017-02-15T06:08:57Z")
> [@astorian](#):
>
> But it would have been more dignified to cremate him, scatter his ashes, and forget him quietly than to insult him publicly post mortem.
It’s not an insult if it’s true.
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### Author:  [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/25 "2017-02-15T07:31:25Z")
It’s not exactly anonymous. The man’s daughter wrote it. His name is on there. Presumably he doesn’t have an unlimited number of daughters.
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### Author:  [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/26 "2017-02-15T10:54:48Z")
The part that got to me was the part about how his hobbies included “being abusive to his family” and “expediting trips to heaven for the beloved family pets”. If it is in fact true that he killed the family pets, which unfortunately is a common tactic of abusive assholes to terrorize their victims, that says it all about what kind of person he was. When I think of how I would have felt if I had had the misfortune to have an asshole father who killed my childhood pets, I can understand the rage and bitterness that motivated her to write this.
I was very lucky to have decent parents. My heart aches for all the innocent kids out there who have to endure awful parents and I don’t blame them at all for being affected by it as adults.
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### Author:  [@Ken001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ken001)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/27 "2017-02-15T11:08:36Z")
> [@AK84](#):
>
> The only think we know is that she wrote an anonymous obituary which is uncontested. And said uncontested obit makes her look like an asshole.
Mmm…except the language in the obituary is thoughtful and avoids even mild profanity. She isn’t abusive or grandiose. Reading it was difficult because it rang true. I think this was cathartic for her, to speak honestly and without fear.
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### Author:  [@leftfield6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leftfield6)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/28 "2017-02-15T12:41:23Z")
When my mother passes, I will not write a similar obituary, although I could. Actually I will have no obituary published. There will be a funeral, because it’s already arraigned and paid for, but I will not go, nor have any involvement in. When i get the call from the nursing home that she has passed, I will let them know which funeral home has the contract, and then I’m done.
She was a miserable person who made sure everyone around her was as well. I won’t go into details, but I’ll just say I feel nothing towards her at all now, not even hate.
I can appreciate the way this daughter in the story chose to deal with her father’s death, and I’m not going to judge her, but I’ve had enough time and distance to reach an apathetic point. Which is, oddly, a better place.
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### Author:  [@Evil\_Economist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Economist)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/29 "2017-02-15T13:17:35Z")
> [@AK84](#):
>
> I have worked with victims of abuse of any description you care to think about, spousal, parental, sibling, college, clerical you name it.
Then you probably are aware that there are people who would improve the world by dying.
I happen to have a relative who, if he died, the obit if truthful would read something like “thank god he’s dead.” If one of his kids published that obit I’d think to myself, “yeah, that’s about right.”
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### Author:  [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/30 "2017-02-15T13:41:49Z")
> [@Nava](#):
>
> It’s not an insult if it’s true.
Perhaps not, but you don’t know that it’s true. Do you?
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### Author:  [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/31 "2017-02-15T13:41:55Z")
For some reason I’m reminded of people who, after their parent has died, do extensive investigations and publish books about how Dad really was a notorious serial killer (this occurred in the Black Dahlia case, but there have been others).
The obit cited in the OP is mild by comparison.
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### Author:  [@Evil\_Economist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Economist)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/32 "2017-02-15T14:26:08Z")
> [@astorian](#):
>
> Perhaps not, but you don’t know that it’s true. Do you?
100% of the evidence that we have says that it is true 🙂
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### Author:  [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/33 "2017-02-15T16:45:42Z")
> [@AK84](#):
>
> :rolleyes: I have worked with victims of abuse of any description you care to think about, spousal, parental, sibling, college, clerical you name it. It takes zilch courage to write a hatchet job in the local paper against a dead guy.
The obit was not published in a newspaper, it was on the funeral home website. It had been taken down by the time the news story was written. Presumably the people who actually knew the dead guy know full well who wrote it, and what does it matter to everyone else? If the media contacts her and she requests anonymity because she doesn’t want the entire internet blasting her for something she never intended to get out there, then it seems that’s a request they should honor, or decline to interview her.
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### Author:  [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/34 "2017-02-15T18:27:21Z")
> [@Shodan](#):
>
> This is the part that got to me - _De mortuis nihil nisi bonum_ - if possible.
Sometimes rendered as _De mortuis nil nisi bunkum_. Regular newspaper obituaries of public figures are often revealing, if you know the codes (“never one to suffer fools gladly” = bloody rude to just about everyone, “gregarious, the life and soul of any party” = drunkard, and probably a serial groper, and so on).
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### Author:  [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)
#### Post date: [February 15, 2017, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/35 "2017-02-15T19:16:20Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#):
>
> I think the world needs more honesty like this. The world is full of terrible people, and it does no good to pretend they don’t exist.
>
> If they didn’t want to be remembered as assholes after they died, then they shouldn’t have been assholes when they were alive.
>
> Yes, yes, they aren’t around to defend themselves. If the “honesty” is not factual, people will set the record straight.
I got no dog in this fight. I agree this is brutal, but none of us can know how honest it was unless we knew the man.
And if it is not honest, or accurate, that _may not_ make the news.
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### Author:  [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)
#### Post date: [February 16, 2017, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/36 "2017-02-16T00:06:37Z")
> [@PatrickLondon](#):
>
> Sometimes rendered as _De mortuis nil nisi bunkum_. Regular newspaper obituaries of public figures are often revealing, if you know the codes (“never one to suffer fools gladly” = bloody rude to just about everyone, “gregarious, the life and soul of any party” = drunkard, and probably a serial groper, and so on).
“had a large and diverse circle of friends” - nope, they didn’t.
“S/he is at peace now” - so are we, especially if the person was young or relatively so, died at home, and didn’t request that memorials be made to places like the American Cancer Society, ALS Foundation, etc.
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### Author:  [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)
#### Post date: [February 16, 2017, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/37 "2017-02-16T00:09:50Z")
> [@Shodan](#):
>
> _De mortuis nihil nisi bonum_ - if possible.
>
> Regards,
> Shodan
Ever checked out [http://www.findagrave.com](http://www.findagrave.com)? There are some people for whom “The Virtual Flowers function has been turned off because it was being continuously misused.” So far, I’ve seen this for people like Jeffrey Dahmer, John Wayne Gacy, Aileen Wuornos - and also Jerry Falwell and GG Allin. 😛
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### Author:  [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)
#### Post date: [February 16, 2017, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/38 "2017-02-16T00:36:15Z")
The problem here is that pissing on someone’s grave is kind of beside the point. They are dead. All you are really doing in this type of proclamation is stirring up the people who knew them for better or worse and were dutiful enough to make sure they got a decent funeral. In reality it’s a public whipping of the still living people who you think did not do enough to stop or control them.
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### Author:  [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)
#### Post date: [February 16, 2017, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/39 "2017-02-16T04:21:29Z")
But she is the one who made sure Daddy Dearest got a decent funeral. By your reasoning, she is attacking herself.
Quote from someone who practically makes a sport of going to funerals: “you can tell when the priest really knew them, he mentions actual faults”. I guess you prefer the priests who didn’t know them. “Wonderful husband” (except for having given several STDs to his wife), “great father” (when he wasn’t beating up his son), “caring teacher” (verbally and physically abusive, should we give him points for not trying to diddle the 10yos?).
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### Author:  [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)
#### Post date: [February 16, 2017, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/daughter-writes-brutally-honest-obituary-about-her-deceased-father/779786/40 "2017-02-16T05:37:01Z")
> [@Nava](#):
>
> But she is the one who made sure Daddy Dearest got a decent funeral. By your reasoning, she is attacking herself.
>
> Quote from someone who practically makes a sport of going to funerals: “you can tell when the priest really knew them, he mentions actual faults”. I guess you prefer the priests who didn’t know them. “Wonderful husband” (except for having given several STDs to his wife), “great father” (when he wasn’t beating up his son), “caring teacher” (verbally and physically abusive, should we give him points for not trying to diddle the 10yos?).
He apparently was cremated. I did not see anything in the linked story that she paid for anything. The TV story ended with her (being quoted) saying while she appreciated everyone’s condolences after reading the obituary she would have appreciated it more during her childhood. He’s dead and is beyond her reach. This is a deliberate, public revenge slap at those relatives she thinks did not help her as a kid.
Based on the [WP story with more details](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2017/02/13/brutal-obit-slams-texas-man-whose-life-was-much-longer-than-he-deserved/?utm_term=.2e7d47d19b80)he was a violent person with mental problems. I get that people are jerks but there are points where they are beyond our power to exact revenge. Should I have talked about my mother’s alcoholism and the terror it made my childhood at her funeral in front of all her friends?
She has every right to be angry, but this is obviously more about shaming her relatives for letting him be an asshole than any attempt at closure.
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