# Dealing with an SO with mental issues - how to say "Sorry, I can't support you right now"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 24, 2017, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-so-with-mental-issues-how-to-say-sorry-i-cant-support-you-right-now/785124 "2017-04-24T05:09:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 3\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![mischievous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mischievous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mischievous)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2017, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-so-with-mental-issues-how-to-say-sorry-i-cant-support-you-right-now/785124/41 "2017-04-25T18:18:27Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Look at it this way: say you were in a relationship with someone, and they were hit by a bus. Would you say, “So sorry, but I don’t like hospitals; how about you give me a call when you’re all better and we can have sex?” > [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](#): > > @Alessan: I realize that, but I can’t spend every day at the hospital. > [@astro](#): > > Then I’m confused - what was this (your) reply to Alessan about? **BPC** was replying to **Alessan** ’s hypothetical. ---
**Author:** ![Textual\_Innuendo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/898d66/32.png) [@Textual\_Innuendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Textual_Innuendo)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2017, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-so-with-mental-issues-how-to-say-sorry-i-cant-support-you-right-now/785124/42 "2017-04-25T22:08:14Z")
> [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](#): > > Just to be clear: it’s not that there’s no option to get out there. I’m weighing that option. It’s in the back of my mind. I’d just _rather not_, so I’m looking for advice on other aspects. > > Also: she was never hospitalized, and the self-harm has, to date, been fairly mild, albeit still concerning. Speaking as another sad voice of experience here, you have not one, not two, but at _least_ three gigantic red flags that are also on fire and accompanied by 100 decibel air-raid sirens that things are very wrong and this person is probably not a great choice for SO or even dating partner. 1. No friends or support network 2. Pulling this level of neediness in the first month of meeting you 3. Self harm I’m with the others that it would behoove you to really step back and introspect, and ask if it’s actually worth it, and whether you’d be happy after another 12 or 24 or 60 months like this. Because things are rarely ever going to get _better_ than the happy-dappy puppy love first month or so, which has endorphins and novelty and lots of other good things balancing out any downsides. In the long run, the downsides dominate, and they tend do so more and more until everyone’s miserable. You have the chance to take a very honest look at the situation now and decide if you’re willing to gamble large amounts of your life’s finite time to a relationship / interpersonal dynamic that is already headed south in the first month, and likely to get worse in the future. If the upsides are worth it after that honest look, I applaud you, and at least you made a studied decision. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2017, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-so-with-mental-issues-how-to-say-sorry-i-cant-support-you-right-now/785124/43 "2017-04-25T22:27:32Z")
The kindest thing you can do is let her go. Tell her you’re in no shape to handle the extra burden of a relationship right now, and to get professional help. Then walk. No “still be friends,” no “just sleep overs.” And no more enabling her by listening to her destructive thinking patterns. As long as you are there feeding into this dysfunctional dynamic (the amount of pressure she is placing on you is wildly inappropriate) she has an excuse to stay in it. Believe me, she’ll have another enabler faster than you can blink. With a little luck, it will be a professional who can actually help her break the cycle. If you really can’t do that yet, then tell her these are things she needs to discuss with a professional. Then every time it starts “I really can’t help you with that, you need to discuss it with a professional. [insert local hotline number here].” National hotline numbers: Hotline for suicide or self-harm: 1‑800‑273‑TALK Referrals and resources: 1‑877‑SAMHSA7 Then get your own behind to counseling. If strangers on the internet can see that you have a destructive pattern of picking up sick, over-dependent people, you need to address it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-so-with-mental-issues-how-to-say-sorry-i-cant-support-you-right-now/785124.md?page=2)