# Dealing with an unavailable infatuation **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 12, 2009, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513 "2009-06-12T01:36:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/21 "2009-06-12T07:51:57Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > No, no, you misunderstand me. I didn’t say I hold out hope, merely that I’ve found it more useful to enjoy the feelings - the pleasant physical and mental sensations - of an infatuation, rather than fight them. I can do that without holding \*any \*hope that something is going to happen. It’s just a matter of keeping myself mindfully in the present and not anticipating the future. And, in fact, doing so makes the infatuation get out of my system much more quickly, will far less drama. > > I’m not **Stranger** , of course. I don’t know if it’s something \*he \*can do. But it’s what works best for me, and so I shared it 'cause he asked what can be done to deal with it. Gotcha. See what happens when I post with my “Sensitive Meter” at such a low threshold? I’ve had a couple of incidents where I’ve had guys who’ve planned our futures entirely in their heads and are shocked, upset, and angry when I don’t agree. I’m always in the “just forget about her and find someone else!” camp. :o ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/22 "2009-06-12T08:40:15Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > Had this problem once and my cure was: let her know; get shot down; hurt like hell; deal with the awkwardness; get over it. I kinda feel if I hadn’t, I’d have pined for her for years more. Good point. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/23 "2009-06-12T08:41:19Z")
> [@Starving\_Artist](#): > > Good point. And just after writing that I looked her up on Facebook and sent her a friend request… :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/24 "2009-06-12T08:45:23Z")
Oh, well…so much for getting over it, huh? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/25 "2009-06-12T11:03:50Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > And just after writing that I looked her up on Facebook and sent her a friend request… :smack: :eek: You had to put that idea into my head, didn’t you. Because I just looked up that certain someone on Facebook, and found one name, in the country I knew she was in. Do I send a message or not? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/26 "2009-06-12T11:10:28Z")
> [@Marienee](#): > > This has always worked for me also. The whole “put it out of your mind” thing makes it much worse for me, I find that just enjoying the ride, heck, reveling in the ride, makes it shorter, more enjoyable, and far less dramatic in the end. If you find yourself riding a tiger, you might as well enjoy the ride, or so it seems to me. > > The only thing is, I gather that many people (and particularly y-chromosome types for some reason) simply cannot do this – or at least report that they cannot – and I can imagine that if you could not separate the holding of the hope/doing something about it from the enjoyment of the feelings and sensations, it could be a bad idea to try. But I am with you, I have always liked having a crush very much for that reason. It isn’t every day you get to be a kid again. ‘Enjoyment of the feelings and sensations’? This puzzles me. The feelings and sensations are not enjoyable to me; rather, they’re useless yearnings, torment and despair. Many times when struck by them, I’ve wished I could cauterize my brain to burn them out. Not enjoyable at all. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/27 "2009-06-12T12:12:15Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I say embrace it. Not to the point of making her uncomfortable, but just in your own private world. Be the white knight, loving his unattainable Lady from afar. > > I love infatuations. They’re so trembly and exciting! I love to just quietly note the butterflies in my stomach when he walks into the room, the aching and the longing and the swooning…good times. > > And y’know, I find that if I just really let myself \*feel \*all that, without telling myself about how it wouldn’t work and I’m crazy and I shouldn’t feel like that…if I just really let myself luxuriate it in and feel it completely, it’s mercifully short lived. If I fight it, it can persist for decades. Pfft. Easy for you to say. You can just go home and screw your husband. It’s a little less easy to just enjoy the ride when you’re not enjoying any other ride at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/28 "2009-06-12T12:18:24Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I say embrace it. Not to the point of making her uncomfortable, but just in your own private world. Be the white knight, loving his unattainable Lady from afar. > > I love infatuations. They’re so trembly and exciting! I love to just quietly note the butterflies in my stomach when he walks into the room, the aching and the longing and the swooning…good times. > > And y’know, I find that if I just really let myself \*feel \*all that, without telling myself about how it wouldn’t work and I’m crazy and I shouldn’t feel like that…if I just really let myself luxuriate it in and feel it completely, it’s mercifully short lived. If I fight it, it can persist for decades. I get where **WhyNot** ’s coming from, and I’d like to add a thought. See if you can manage to channel this powerful wave of passion/yearning/lust in another direction. Do you write? Paint? Play a sport? This kind of emotion can be quite useful in these pursuits. Hell, if nothing else, you should be able to get some really good masturbation out of this. (Yeah, I said it! Nothing to be ashamed of!) I’d also like to comment on your stated inability to “successfully divert [your] attentions to some more attainable target of interest.” I think this way of thinking might have something to do with your overall dating difficulties. You don’t necessarily _need_ a “target of interest.” Just practice saying hello to women, even ones you might not think you’d be interested in. Say something about the weather, or anything at all. Probably nothing will happen, but so what? You’ve just had a pleasant little encounter with a stranger, and you’ll feel an iota more confident for your next pleasant little encounter, and so on. The world is a smorgasbord, my young friend. No need to overthink it; start sampling! ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/29 "2009-06-12T12:31:04Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > :eek: You had to put that idea into my head, didn’t you. Because I just looked up that certain someone on Facebook, and found one name, in the country I knew she was in. Do I send a message or not? dunno. Enjoy ripping scabs off a wound? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/30 "2009-06-12T13:25:29Z")
> [@Marienee](#): > > But I am with you, I have always liked having a crush very much for that reason. It isn’t every day you get to be a kid again. Exactly! I’m quite relieved when I get a crush, to be honest, because it’s an indicator that I’m not Old yet! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flyboy)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/31 "2009-06-12T14:06:10Z")
Your OP is indeed vague. Do you have reason to believe she feels the same way? If so, then you need to answer whether it’s worth the problems to act on it. I’m assuming the answer to one or the other is No, thus the OP. So the next question is whether you’re required by your job to interact with her. Because, really, you need to get her out of your life. **jjim’s** approach is best, but if it’s probematic in any case to be involved with her, then maybe it’s better just to change your life in whatever way you need to in order to remove her from it. I think **SWB** has excellent advice, too, but if your life is such that you **have** to interact with her, then you’re screwed, because I don’t think that daily visits can lead to (to paraphrase, and the key to everything) “deciding that you’ve had enough and moving on.” As long as she’s in your life, you’re not going to want to give up whatever you’re getting out of the relationship. There are three roads leading from the place you are now–that last paraphrase, the status quo (indefinitely), and making something happen with her and risking the consequences. So if all the above is n/a because you work with her, or she’s your boss and you like your job, then I guess you gotta go with **Starving Artist’s** advice and try to retrain your brain. That, to me, is the absolute hardest option, and kind of like an alcoholic trying to go sober. But if you want to get to the “deciding that you’ve had enough and moving on” road, then you’ve got to physically and mentally get rid of her, or at least greatly reduce her presence. If you’re dwelling on her at work, then try to concentrate more on work or do something that requires you to get out of the office. If it’s after work, then pick up a sport or a computer game. You’ll lose your mind for hours. I spent two hours on the challenge raquetball courts at my gym last night, and thought about nothing but the game and how good it felt to play. Good luck, and let us know how it goes. ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/32 "2009-06-12T14:20:21Z")
> [@flyboy](#): > > If you’re dwelling on her at work, then try to concentrate more on work or do something that requires you to get out of the office. If it’s after work, then pick up a sport or a computer game. You’ll lose your mind for hours. I spent two hours on the challenge raquetball courts at my gym last night, and thought about nothing but the game and how good it felt to play. Good luck, and let us know how it goes. Along those lines, you could learn to dance or speak a foreign language. I bring these two examples up, because they might very well help with your dating situation. They’re both _great_ ways to break the ice. I don’t want to sound as if I’m trying to psychoanalyze you over the net, **Stranger** , but a lot of people who say they suck at dating aren’t nearly as bad as they think they are. They’re often quite dateable. They just need something to get the ball rolling. It’s like people who say they can’t learn higher math. Unless they have an actual learning disability that prevents them from learning–and the odds are they don’t–all they need are a few basic skills and some practice. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/33 "2009-06-12T14:28:24Z")
I had one crush/infatuation that I wasted too much of my life/time on. She was one of those “I just want to be friends” types that I thought if I hung in there long enough she would come around. In the mean time I passed up interested gals or gals that I would date who would find about about my infatuaton and not want to deal with it (rightly so). And as she would date other guys I’d be jealous and lose sleep. But she still wanted to be friends and loved the attention I gave her. This went on for almost 2 years. When she got engaged I knew I just had to quit cold turkey. I began seeing another girl and told her I thought it was a good idea we not communicate for a while. No visits, no calls, no e-mails, no nothing. And I threw away all the photos I had of her. It had to be done. I haven’t talked to her since then and that was 8 years ago. And I’m not sorry I did it. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/34 "2009-06-12T15:28:53Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > Had this problem once and my cure was: let her know; get shot down; hurt like hell; deal with the awkwardness; get over it. I kinda feel if I hadn’t, I’d have pined for her for years more. This tends to work the best. I was smitten with a girl for years, and I finally just told her. She didn’t feel the same, and nothing ever happened, but the fever did break. We’re still friends, too. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/35 "2009-06-12T16:23:39Z")
1. Find out (politely) if she’s interested. (If so, talk about the problems together.) 2. If not, try to make new friends or take up a hobby. 3. This situation is why chocolate was invented. ---
**Author:** ![Pazu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pazu/32/15522_2.png) [@Pazu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pazu)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/36 "2009-06-12T16:30:52Z")
> [@Hampshire](#): > > I had one crush/infatuation that I wasted too much of my life/time on. She was one of those “I just want to be friends” types that I thought if I hung in there long enough she would come around. In the mean time I passed up interested gals or gals that I would date who would find about about my infatuaton and not want to deal with it (rightly so). And as she would date other guys I’d be jealous and lose sleep. **But she still wanted to be friends and loved the attention I gave her.** This went on for almost 2 years. > When she got engaged I knew I just had to quit cold turkey. I began seeing another girl and told her I thought it was a good idea we not communicate for a while. No visits, no calls, no e-mails, no nothing. And I threw away all the photos I had of her. It had to be done. I haven’t talked to her since then and that was 8 years ago. And I’m not sorry I did it. (bolding mine) I heartily second this approach. I had to do it–twice. What made it difficult was described by the bolded sentence above. What made it easier was getting into a situation in which I found myself grateful for _really_ basic things, like getting some food and maybe an hour of sleep. After going through that, a lot of other things seemed pretty unimportant. Simple pleasures, man. All the rest is gravy. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CaveMike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cavemike/32/16379_2.png) [@CaveMike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaveMike)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/37 "2009-06-12T17:53:31Z")
> [@Hampshire](#): > > But she still wanted to be friends and loved the attention I gave her. Was her name [Kimberly](http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it) by any chance? ---
**Author:** ![Pazu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pazu/32/15522_2.png) [@Pazu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pazu)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/38 "2009-06-12T18:16:34Z")
> [@CaveMike](#): > > Was her name [Kimberly](http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it) by any chance? Dunno about **Hampshire** , but as for me–nah, Kimberly there is far too self-aware. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/39 "2009-06-12T19:07:46Z")
1.) Let it run its course. This could, of course, take years. 2.) Generally speaking, the more you know someone, the less infatuated you will be. I was very infatuated with one of my best friends for years, and what finally put the nail in the coffin was actually living with him. We’d spent a lot of time around each other before that, but living with someone gives you a whole new perspective into the weird or just plain annoying idiosyncracies that make it easier to break down the pedastal you’ve kept them on. Since then, he’s still been one of my best friends, and I still love him very much, but that’s as far as it goes–if he were single tomorrow, I’d have absolutely zero interest in snatching him up. ETA: 3.) Develop a new infatuation to replace the old one. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/40 "2009-06-12T19:23:16Z")
> [@CaveMike](#): > > Was her name [Kimberly](http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it) by any chance? That was her to a “T”. Sorry waste of my time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513.md?page=3)