# Dealing with an unavailable infatuation **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 12, 2009, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513 "2009-06-12T01:36:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/61 "2009-06-17T12:00:55Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > …even if she reciprocated it would only create even more problems than I have now that are equally insoluble. It’s just not an option. Indeed, I keep hoping that she’ll take up with someone or something so that unavailability will be concrete rather than just a conditional issue. Um… I have to ask… She’s not related to you, is she? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/62 "2009-06-17T13:12:46Z")
Start looking for her faults? She’s got to have some. No one is perfect. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/63 "2009-06-17T15:37:44Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > Um… I have to ask… She’s not related to you, is she? Hey, if marrying his cousin was good enough for FDR, by god, it’s good enough for all of us! Well, okay, like fifth cousin, but that doesn’t sound nearly as funny. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/64 "2009-06-17T18:56:15Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > Um… I have to ask… She’s not related to you, is she? No. In fact, I don’t have any close living relatives. > [@Anaamika](#): > > Start looking for her faults? She’s got to have some. No one is perfect. She has some flaws, but none that really make be go, “Ewww!” or otherwise set off alarms. I don’t think there is anything I can work up to outright revulsion, and frankly, I don’t really care to do that, as I enjoy being around her as a person quite separate from any misplaced affection. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/65 "2009-06-17T18:57:46Z")
So why is she unavailable? ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/66 "2009-06-17T19:01:44Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > She has some flaws, but none that really make be go, “Ewww!” or otherwise set off alarms. I don’t think there is anything I can work up to outright revulsion, and frankly, I don’t really care to do that, as I enjoy being around her as a person quite separate from any misplaced affection. It doesn’t even have to be things that make you never want to spend time with her–in the example I gave of my own experience, I just came to more fully realize aspects of the guy that I wasn’t attracted to and could tolerate in a friend, but would drive me nuts in a boyfriend, so thank god I wasn’t dating him. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2009, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/67 "2009-06-17T19:56:32Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > So why is she unavailable? And why would another woman be more acceptable in principle? I can understand why one would not have time for a relationship, or not wanting to put a woman at risk if one’s secret identity as Superman were discovered, but I don’t understand what is going on here. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/68 "2009-06-18T00:10:49Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > So why is she unavailable? Let’s just say for talking purposes that that she’s happily married with three kids as a convenient fiction that dispenses with the possibility of having a viable romantic relationship with her. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/69 "2009-06-18T15:13:14Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Let’s just say for talking purposes that that she’s happily married with three kids as a convenient fiction that dispenses with the possibility of having a viable romantic relationship with her. Oh my god, _it’s Michelle Obama!_ Seriously, people, why she’s unavailable doesn’t matter, and he clearly doesn’t want to talk about it, so stop asking. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/70 "2009-06-18T16:00:02Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Oh my god, _it’s Michelle Obama!_. You’ve guessed my secret, damn you. I was trying to keep it under wraps but the _National Enquirer_ is threatening to break the story any day. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/71 "2009-06-18T16:24:52Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > You’ve guessed my secret, damn you. And I bet you thought you were being all tricky with the “three” kids. Hah! ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2009, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/72 "2009-06-18T18:24:25Z")
Think about how high-maintenance she is. Yes, she is. Yes, she really, really is. I’m getting tired just thinking about all the stuff she expects every day. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/73 "2009-06-19T03:53:48Z")
> [@bup](#): > > Think about how high-maintenance she is. > > Yes, she is. > > Yes, she really, really is. I’m getting tired just thinking about all the stuff she expects every day. That’s not really a good argument, though. All women are high maintenance; even, or perhaps especially, those who think they are not. There is a corollary for men. I’ll leave it as an exercise to the reader to figure out what it is. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![InterestedObserver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@InterestedObserver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InterestedObserver)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/74 "2009-06-19T05:16:26Z")
I think that these sorts of infatuations can actually be very positive and productive, esp. when unrequited and never actualized (consumated, whatever). Fantasy in itself can be invigorating and empowering. We don’t have to ever act on it. In fact, it is probably best in most cases if we don’t! Perspective, yes. I’ve entertained my share of such infatuations, either with those who were unavailable to me or available but obviously bad news for me and I knew it, but the little buzz I got from the infatuation and daydreaming was harmless (in the least) and beneficial (at the most). At times, there might have been some misery involved as well, but it was more than balanced out. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/75 "2009-06-19T05:37:33Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Let’s just say for talking purposes that that she’s happily married with three kids as a convenient fiction that dispenses with the possibility of having a viable romantic relationship with her. > > Stranger Well then the answer to the titular question is–presuming you to be heterosexual and of a monogamous bent–to start thinking over all the things you and her husband and her could do. ---
**Author:** ![Ohime\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e8c25b/32.png) [@Ohime\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ohime_Rose)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/76 "2009-06-19T11:19:17Z")
Wait a second, you’re already saying that she is totally and inexplicably unavaliable. WTH?! So great to see some _optimism_, people! Okay, so lets assume that se could possibly become avaliable. What then? Are you planning on dating her? Marrying her? Or would you preffer just being/staying? really close friends or something? Are you already friends with her? Would you tell her you loved her it she was “avaliable”? If you wouldn’t, or she’s totally NOT avaliable (e.g. you’re evil bosses wife/daughter) then I say fantasise about her for a couple of months until you get bored. And you probably will. Unless… how long has this been going on? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2009, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513/77 "2009-06-19T13:22:15Z")
Thread closed per request of OP. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-an-unavailable-infatuation/499513.md?page=3)