# Dealing with angry people **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 6, 2012, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257 "2012-06-06T07:37:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/41 "2012-06-07T03:02:51Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > My boss does the same thing. Complete loss of control over anything and everything. Add in throwing anything at hand. Lunch is missing a condiment? No problem. Heave it 10 feet and watch it splatter against the wall and have a screaming fit for 20 minutes. > > The situation can’t be fixed so I have mastered the art of keeping a blank expression on my face. I can’t fathom a workplace where this would be tolerated. I guess if he’s the owner - but I still can’t imagine not telling him his behavior is unacceptable, giving one more chance, and walking out when/if it happened again. Who cleaned it up? This is kind of fascinating. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/42 "2012-06-07T12:07:22Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I understand there’s some good advice in this thread, but I was just thinking about something. It’s not anyone’s responsibility to teach adults throwing temper tantrums how to control themselves. I used to blame myself a lot for my Mom’s anger because I talked back to her. But it wasn’t my responsibility to control her temper, it was hers. I just want to make sure people are not taking on too much responsibility for the immature behavior of others. If I’m dealing with a random angry person in public, I’m much less inclined to offer constructive advice. If I’m dealing with a particular angry person with whom I expect to have regular interactions in the future (e.g. a coworker), then it’s in my interest to develop a tolerable working relationship. I wouldn’t be looking to take on a long-term project, but I certainly would let them know that if they want to interact with me in the future, they need to behave in a civilized manner. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/43 "2012-06-07T13:37:34Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > Yes to above. Your approach depends on whether you want to make someone shut up and stop causing you problems right now, at the potential cost of making them hate **you** instead of just be angry at the situation, or want to create the opportunity for that person to change his emotional state for the better. Personally, I try not to maintain freindships with people like that. If I have a working relationship with someone like that, that’s different. Fortunately I’m not related to anyone like that. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/44 "2012-06-07T13:46:06Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I would walk out of there so fast he would think I’d vanished in thin air. But I’d stop along the way to report him to HR. My boss own the company. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/45 "2012-06-07T13:53:38Z")
“Less angry version, please!” “Come back when less angry!” “You clearly groove on the angry vibe, and you’re welcome to whatever works for you, but around here, we’re not so into that, so save it for your off work hours and control yourself to a professional standard while with us. Thank you for understanding.” Be prepared to keep repeating it, again and again, until they can finally hear it. Don’t get angry, that’s the key, really. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/46 "2012-06-07T14:16:59Z")
“Then, Sir, we will give them the bayonet!” – T. J. Jackson, 1861 ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/47 "2012-06-07T14:29:32Z")
> [@SeaDragonTattoo](#): > > I can’t fathom a workplace where this would be tolerated. I guess if he’s the owner - but I still can’t imagine not telling him his behavior is unacceptable, giving one more chance, and walking out when/if it happened again. Who cleaned it up? This is kind of fascinating. It’s fairly well known in the industry that he has issues. I’ve gone the whole your behavior is unacceptable route and he believes that we are all too sensitive, it’s not my place to be commenting on his behavior, all the incidents involving the police were everyone else’s fault but his, whatever it was never happened (even though we all either saw or heard it), you name it. There was one incident where someone was hit with a desk item he threw during a fit. No one saw it happen, but she grabbed her coat and purse and ran out the door crying. She applied for unemployment and he swore up and down it never happened and she didn’t get unemployment. He can come across as very credible when he needs to. When he does something like the food throwing, I pretend I don’t see it and step over it until he cleans it up himself. I’m assuming it’s he who does it because it gets cleaned up when I’m not around. If the streets were paved with well paying jobs I would be out of there in a second. The problem is that people in my position don’t job hop very much. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/48 "2012-06-07T16:27:07Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > If the streets were paved with well paying jobs I would be out of there in a second. The problem is that people in my position don’t job hop very much. That is truly unfortunate. He sounds like a vile human being. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/49 "2012-06-07T16:44:58Z")
> [@](#): > > and he swore up and down it never happened What? Y’all don’t have cameras on your phones? Two or three episodes, of him screaming or throwing things, and you’d have yourselves a ‘hostel work place’ suit. He’s playing a dangerous game and abusing his power as employer. Someone’s going to get him, one of these days, I’m sure. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/50 "2012-06-07T21:34:24Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > What? Y’all don’t have cameras on your phones? Two or three episodes, of him screaming or throwing things, and you’d have yourselves a ‘hostel work place’ suit. Don’t you mean, hostel workplace suite? ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/51 "2012-06-07T22:08:44Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > If you use it on me, I get angrier. I do calm down. But I become coldly, deadly furious. It turns my ire into poisonous resentment, which lasts a LOT longer than ordinary anger. It turns you from an object of anger to a lifetime enemy. So someone calling you out when you’re throwing a tantrum turns them into your lifetime enemy? Seriously? Seriously? ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/52 "2012-06-07T22:09:45Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Personally, I try not to maintain freindships with people like that. If I have a working relationship with someone like that, that’s different. Fortunately I’m not related to anyone like that. Agree. Angry cunts are only really a problem in a professional context where walking away can have great costs. In a personal context, it’s often easier to walk away. My father used to get angry at me. Which is why we’ve seen each other three times in the last 9 years (hospital, funeral home day 1, funeral home day 2). ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/53 "2012-06-07T22:31:12Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > Don’t you mean, hostel workplace suite? _snerk_ Good one. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2012, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/54 "2012-06-07T23:24:30Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > What? Y’all don’t have cameras on your phones? Two or three episodes, of him screaming or throwing things, and you’d have yourselves a ‘hostel work place’ suit. He’s playing a dangerous game and abusing his power as employer. Someone’s going to get him, one of these days, I’m sure. You really think he would allow himself to be filmed? Or that the person doing the filming wouldn’t be fired on the spot? It’s an employment at will state. Working for an asshole doesn’t make you a protected class. The guy is an asswipe, but I have learned a lot from him. 99% of the time I can separate my work life from my home life without any issues. I have a full and happy life outside of my job. It doesn’t affect me in the ways it affects most of my coworkers. When I am out the door, that’s it. He’s not going to change, but hopefully the economy will and then I will be able to get a job for a much better person and keep my lifestyle too. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2012, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/55 "2012-06-08T01:08:52Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > So someone calling you out when you’re throwing a tantrum turns them into your lifetime enemy? Seriously? Seriously? No… Someone using the exact tactics described – snapping in my face, “Calm down, now.” Also, I was described as angry, not as “throwing a tantrum.” You changed the parameters of the scenario. That’s not fair; it’s arguing both sides of the issue. (I also dislike “Seriously? Seriously?” Too patronizing. Disagree with me if you wish, but let’s not play games.) ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2012, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/56 "2012-06-08T08:26:20Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > This, specifically, can backfire. Some people just get angrier when you use this approach. > > If you use it on me, I get angrier. I do calm down. But I become coldly, deadly furious. It turns my ire into poisonous resentment, which lasts a LOT longer than ordinary anger. It turns you from an object of anger to a lifetime enemy. > > My father had hellish anger issues; if I’d ever tried that on him, he’d have just knocked me to the ground. > > Obviously, everyone is different. I’m sure there are many people for whom that approach would work very well. But be aware that there are at least some for whom it won’t. Hey, as long as you calm down, I don’t care if you hate me or not. In fact, since you seem to have an issue with assertive people standing up to you, I’m not sure I’d want you to like me. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2012, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/57 "2012-06-08T19:37:36Z")
I always say “Excuse me, but why are you yelling? I have excellent hearing.” That at least gets the person to speak softer. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2012, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/58 "2012-06-08T22:31:17Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Hey, as long as you calm down, I don’t care if you hate me or not. In fact, since you seem to have an issue with assertive people standing up to you, I’m not sure I’d want you to like me. And the benefit of making this personal is…what? ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/59 "2012-06-09T08:57:07Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > And the benefit of making this personal is…what? Seeing less of the angry person, in cases where making it personal will result in such, I think. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2012, 9:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-angry-people/624257/60 "2012-06-09T09:44:17Z")
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