# Dealing with passive-aggressive people **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 8, 2009, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290 "2009-09-08T15:32:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/81 "2009-09-09T18:37:30Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > Why didn’t you say that or something else at the time? I mean, that was a great opportunity for you to turn it around, e.g. ‘Actually, Tim is the only person that picks on me. I’m not sure why that is?’ > > What is your current response when he does these things? My current response is, and always has been, to try and ignore it. I’ve simply reached the point that I am no longer prepared to do that, which brings me here. But yes, on that occasion, I had good lead in, but didn’t say it. We were all together for another friend’s wedding, I guess I didn’t want to spoil the mood. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/82 "2009-09-09T18:43:19Z")
> [@KellyCriterion](#): > > My current response is, and always has been, to try and ignore it. I’ve simply reached the point that I am no longer prepared to do that, which brings me here. > > But yes, on that occasion, I had good lead in, but didn’t say it. We were all together for another friend’s wedding, I guess I didn’t want to spoil the mood. Well, that’s fair enough. At an occassion like that, you definitely want to be keeping things light and polite. 🙂 Even if you don’t feel comfortable saying anything, you can do a bit more than ignore it. For example, you can look at him when he says something sarcastic, pause, and then continue with what you are saying. That sends the message that you have heard what he’s said, found it to be unworthy of comment, and are continuing with your original point. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/83 "2009-09-09T18:45:24Z")
> [@KellyCriterion](#): > > I do feel some compassion for him, yes. Prior to posting my OP, I was trying to think of as many different ways of approaching this as I could. One such scenario I came up with (as a response to scenario 2 from my OP): > Me: “Tim, you really seem to enjoy trying to make other people look stupid, don’t you? See, if that was me sitting over there, and you were here, I would have said something like 'Hey, Tim! You don’t have to stand over there mate, come and join us on the couch. Hey guys, let’s all move over so there’s room for Tim”. But instead, you choose to spin it in such a way that makes me look like an idiot for just standing here quietly while I eat. Why do you feel this constant need to make other people look silly? \ You come across as someone with some very deep insecurities. Are you threatened by me in some way? Are you worried that we all think you’re an idiot or something? Do you think we sit around when you’re not here all saying to each other ‘_Hey that Tim sure is a dummy, isn’t he? You know he never finished university, right? And you know that up until this year, he’d only ever worked in menial jobs? Haha, what an idiot!_’. Because that’s not at all what we think. We like you, and we do think you are intelligent. You really don’t have to prove anything to us, Tim. Maybe this is just a manifestation of issues you have with your other friendship groups, but around us, you don’t have to prove anything". I don’t think I’d go there. When Tim’s girlfriend noted (in front of everyone) that you get picked on a lot, that doesn’t sound very healthy to me, either. Even if she wasn’t _trying_ to emasculate you further, she did a pretty good job of it anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/84 "2009-09-09T18:47:01Z")
> [@KellyCriterion](#): > > You may not be aware if your friend is a “dickwad” if you are not on the receiving end of his aggressive behaviour. Regardless, you appear to be contradicting yourself. Let’s say one of your best friends comes to you and says “Hey, **Diogenes**. Your wife is a _dickwad_!”. You’d respond by.. ? Telling him to fuck off. There’s no contradiction. Friends and SO’s are two different things. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/85 "2009-09-09T18:48:42Z")
> [@lisacurl](#): > > Tim is a bully. \ Agree completely. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/86 "2009-09-09T19:03:21Z")
THROW A DRINK IN HIS FACE! IN HIS FACE! Seriously, I think a woman can get away with it, and you’ll win. He might break out the “bitch, I was only joking”. But he’s still soaked and has to leave or go change; the moment is yours. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/87 "2009-09-09T19:19:09Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > When Tim’s girlfriend noted (in front of everyone) that you get picked on a lot, that doesn’t sound very healthy to me, either. Even if she wasn’t _trying_ to emasculate you further, she did a pretty good job of it anyway. As I said, I do feel I probably cop it “the most” from Tim, which as explained, I read as Tim possibly regarding me a direct threat to him. I am blessed to have more than two or three long-term friends, so it’s relevant to point out that I just don’t have these issues with anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/88 "2009-09-09T19:21:59Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Telling him to fuck off. There’s no contradiction. Friends and SO’s are two different things. Oh ok, well, I defend everyone close to me when they get attacked in such a blatantly disrespectful manner. SO, closest friends, or otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/89 "2009-09-09T19:23:02Z")
> [@drastic\_quench](#): > > THROW A DRINK IN HIS FACE! IN HIS FACE! > > Seriously, I think a woman can get away with it, and you’ll win. He might break out the “bitch, I was only joking”. But he’s still soaked and has to leave or go change; the moment is yours. But I’m not a woman :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/90 "2009-09-09T19:40:56Z")
> [@KellyCriterion](#): > > But I’m not a woman :eek: Have your girlfriend do it - she can get revenge and get away with it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/91 "2009-09-09T20:00:29Z")
> [@drastic\_quench](#): > > THROW A DRINK IN HIS FACE! IN HIS FACE! Username/post combo win. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/92 "2009-09-09T20:27:46Z")
> [@KellyCriterion](#): > > But I’m not a woman :eek: I considered the gender neutral “Kelly”, but I swear I thought you were a woman (and that turkeys could fly). Honestly, the gender difference changes my view (drink throwing) on this situation. I don’t often see guys behaving this way towards other guys outside of high school. Seems like this guy would be just begging for a sock in the nose acting this way towards adults. (Not saying you should…) ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/93 "2009-09-09T20:28:55Z")
I have a friend like this. We ended up not talking to each other for a year but we are now on speaking terms again. He still does it, but I have the foresight now to choose not to spend too much time with him. Worst of all is that he’s a know-it-all and goes on long diatribes about some foreign topic of which he knows little of but pretends otherwise. To call him out on his bullshit drags one into an hour long debate over the semantic trivialities about nothing. Its really really draining to be near him so we limit our engagements to movies and food so we don’t have to talk too much. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/94 "2009-09-09T20:59:26Z")
> [@KellyCriterion](#): > > Oh ok, well, I defend everyone close to me when they get attacked in such a blatantly disrespectful manner. SO, closest friends, or otherwise. Well, your friend, John, apparently does not have the same policy. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/95 "2009-09-10T15:51:53Z")
Tim’s attacks are not “blatant”, he disguises them as jokes. Read the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/96 "2009-09-10T16:35:11Z")
If you can, cultivate the ability to say “don’t be such an asshole” _in a calm tone of voice_. If the response is, “Whatsa matter - can’t you take a joke?” the reponse is “you are being an asshole - cut it out”. You do not explain, you do not define, you make no response to anything he says except to repeat yourself. “You are sounding like an asshole. Stop it.” Not like you are complaining, like you are giving an order. He is a waitress who brought you the wrong entree. He is a salesgirl who won’t get off her cell phone and ring up your purchase. Treat him as such. If necessary, wave at everyone else in the room and say “they all agree with me - you are being an asshole. Cut it out.” But calmly. And don’t let him change the subject. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Katriona](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/katriona/32/113_2.png) [@Katriona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katriona)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/97 "2009-09-10T16:43:13Z")
On the up side, maybe he’ll pull that “I’m only joking” stuff on the wrong person and it’ll bite him on the ass - happened to my ex-BF from college. He’s serving time (well, he may be out now; I haven’t been paying attention) because he was “just joking” and their “sense of humor was messed up” and “they just didn’t understand when he’s being funny” when he threatened (in the same week about a year ago) to 1. Bring a gun and “do a Columbine” on the school where his ex-wife teaches after an argument over who’d be picking up the kids. 2. Saying, “Maybe I should just bring a gun and shoot you” to a county official who was trying to resolve a property dispute that wasn’t going his way. He did the same kind of stuff to me - not threatening violence, but just general insulting and then trying to backpedal by claiming he was only joking. I was just too young and stupid to know how to handle it. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/98 "2009-09-10T21:06:23Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > There is a passive-aggressive in this scenario though, it’s John. What kind of friend sits around watching you be abused/tormented and does nothing about it? Why is he continuing to subject you to it? Is it possible he’s not such a good friend? Just a thought. It seems to me that part of your conversation needs to be a question about his passivity in all this. Why should it be John’s job to speak up for the OP? Wouldn’t that actually make it worse for the OP because it would make it appear that he can’t/won’t stand up for himself and that John has to fight his battles for him. Maybe Tim’s behavior doesn’t bother John all that much and if he interferes for the OP all the time, then he’s assuming the OP is, Um, I dunno, oversensitive or something. I don’t think John has any obligation at all to run interference between the OP and Tim. ---
**Author:** ![Recliner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a88e57/32.png) [@Recliner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Recliner)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2009, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/99 "2009-09-11T11:08:18Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > I had a work colleague like this. She was trying to bully me, but I wasn’t going to take it. Hopefully what I did will work for you. > > You make him clarify his statements **every damned time he makes them**. In a neutral, slightly confused, enquiring tone. A tone that clearly shows you don’t find what he said funny, but also doesn’t show that what he said has offended you. Second this COMPLETELY. The best possible method. They’re playing a game in which the jabs rest fully on vagueness – and when you demand clarity, it will backfire on them every time. Do it a few times, and they’ll stop. Plus, each time you do it, you end up looking uber-clever and funny. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2009, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290/100 "2009-09-11T11:53:51Z")
> [@Recliner](#): > > Second this COMPLETELY. The best possible method. They’re playing a game in which the jabs rest fully on vagueness – and when you demand clarity, it will backfire on them every time. Do it a few times, and they’ll stop. Plus, each time you do it, you end up looking uber-clever and funny. Why would I look clever and funny to ask someone in a confusing tone to clarify what they are saying? I’m not sure I understand this method properly 😕 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-passive-aggressive-people/509290.md?page=6)