# Dealing with people who want to stare you down and intimidate you. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 25, 2014, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506 "2014-03-25T06:45:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Gateway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/dbc845/32.png) [@Gateway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gateway)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/1 "2014-03-25T06:45:45Z")
When people stare heavily at you in a way in order to try to dominate or to try to intimidate or something like that, I don’t know what my best option is. It is annoying. I feel like to look away is to ‘lose,’ to ‘be less of a man.’ It is emasculating, especially if I am not doing something wrong and some jerk feels like giving me a cold stare. Alternatively I can stare back. The problem is with the wrong person this can lead to a fight on your hands. A fight (at least with someone who is big enough, strong enough, knows how to fight or has a weapon) this ALWAYS has the potential to be fatal, so it is generally better to keep the peace. I just don’t like handing people my balls in order to keep the peace, you know? Do you have any words of wisdom about situations such as this? ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/2 "2014-03-25T07:04:19Z")
If you can, pretend like you didn’t see the stare and just become intensely involved in something else, like talking to another person, looking through your wallet. Don’t let your eyes stop on him ever. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/3 "2014-03-25T07:26:57Z")
Some of us are so oblivious to our surroundings that we don’t notice these stares. ---
**Author:** ![bienville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@bienville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bienville)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/4 "2014-03-25T08:00:30Z")
You’ll want to ask the woman you’re with, “Who is he and what is he to you?”. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/5 "2014-03-25T11:07:40Z")
I usually cross my eyes (a useful trait) or fart loudly. Seriously, your difficulty is that **you feel bad about looking away**. Once you conquer that, the problem disappears (and you avoid staring contests!) Try thinking that if someone stares at you: - they are a zombie - they have few brains, so need to concentrate just to look at people - you have better things to do - you’d rather look at somebody else ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/6 "2014-03-25T11:35:27Z")
**OP** , are you in a _Stand Your Ground_ state? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/7 "2014-03-25T12:00:37Z")
See, this is why I like being a woman: I never have to prove what kind of man I am. No balls to hand off and something “emasculating”? Pffft! Look, I understand that whole primate hierarchy/dominance thing (we women do have our own version) but you need to work the brain and not the brawn. If it’s a total stranger why do you care? Will you ever see this person again? THEY are just a bald chimp… and even most chimps are smart enough not try to dominance crap for no good reason. So he’s a _stupid_ bald chimp. Be better than him. ---
**Author:** ![Randy\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee7513/32.png) [@Randy\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randy_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/8 "2014-03-25T12:21:55Z")
Cheerful smile, maybe a little wave. If they’re close enough perhaps a “good morning!” The big alpha chimps on the CTA do not know how to react to this and will usually break off their staring pretty quick. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/9 "2014-03-25T12:23:01Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > **OP** , are you in a _Stand Your Ground_ state? Unlikely. Looks like it had only a [limited release](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2144820/combined). ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/10 "2014-03-25T12:23:52Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > If you can, pretend like you didn’t see the stare and just become intensely involved in something else, like talking to another person, looking through your wallet. Don’t let your eyes stop on him ever. Great advice. Now he’ll kick your ass AND take your wallet. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![LynnM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@LynnM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LynnM)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/11 "2014-03-25T12:49:02Z")
I’ve read of such behavior in the lower primates. I’ve even observed it in ape houses in the zoos I’ve visited in USA and Europe. But I’ve never seen this behavior in humans. Naturally, I wonder: Why have you experienced this, but not me? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Kobayashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4af34b/32.png) [@Mr.Kobayashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Kobayashi)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/12 "2014-03-25T12:57:46Z")
It’s a male dominance ritual that progresses in predictable stages, which you rightly say can end up in violence unless one of the parties backs down, a game of one-upmanship. The only winning move is not to play and short-circuit it when you recognise the pattern, don’t give an opportunity for the opponent to escalate and don’t give into the temptation to escalate it yourself. Simply acting disinterested - a look of complete boredom - has worked for me in the past when I realise I’m getting pulled into the ‘monkey dance’. > [@](#): > > 1. If the stare is met and held, it will escalate to a verbal challenge, e.g., “What you lookin’ at?” Again, if the recipient at this point looks away and pretends to be very interested in something else, dominance is established and the aggressor will likely move on. The recipient, especially if girls are watching, will have an incredible urge to respond in kind. It is, in fact, fear of being humiliated by not responding that is driving the dynamic. The MD is not a game you play. It is genetically programmed and unless you possess wisdom and exert will, the game plays you. [http://ymaa.com/articles/violence-dynamics](http://ymaa.com/articles/violence-dynamics) ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/13 "2014-03-25T13:07:07Z")
If I even notice it, and if I happen to make eye contact, I give my most expressionless face possible and go on about my business. As others have pointed out, if I don’t even play the game, I don’t have to feel like I lost. And that’s what it’s mostly about to me. I try not to get caught up in what I think others may be thinking about me. Works in a lot of situations, not just in the stare dominance game. IMHO and YMMV, as is usual on SDMB Sometimes, if I’m feeling ornery, I’ll flash them a big goofy smile. Their confused reaction is often a hoot. However, I am a rather large guy, so maybe some others shouldn’t try that. Also, on at least one occasion, that strategy led to an attempted physical escalation. At the end of that one, all that remained to be said was, “You’re done.” \> ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/14 "2014-03-25T13:07:52Z")
> [@Mr.Kobayashi](#): > > It’s a male dominance ritual that progresses in predictable stages, which you rightly say can end up in violence unless one of the parties backs down, a game of one-upmanship. > > The only winning move is not to play and short-circuit it when you recognise the pattern, don’t give an opportunity for the opponent to escalate and don’t give into the temptation to escalate it yourself. Simply acting disinterested - a look of complete boredom - has worked for me in the past when I realise I’m getting pulled into the ‘monkey dance’. > [http://ymaa.com/articles/violence-dynamics](http://ymaa.com/articles/violence-dynamics) So basically, resist the urge to fling poo in response to being stared at. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Kobayashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4af34b/32.png) [@Mr.Kobayashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Kobayashi)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/15 "2014-03-25T13:12:15Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > So basically, resist the urge to fling poo in response to being stared at. Yep - don’t go apeshit, literally or figuratively. ---
**Author:** ![Krouget](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b38774/32.png) [@Krouget](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krouget)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/16 "2014-03-25T13:16:52Z")
> [@Gateway](#): > > When people stare heavily at you in a way in order to try to dominate or to try to intimidate or something like that, I don’t know what my best option is. Honest question, but where have you been experiencing this with any frequency? ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/17 "2014-03-25T13:25:42Z")
> [@Krouget](#): > > Honest question, but where have you been experiencing this with any frequency? Public transportation, sports events, and almost any retail environment is where I have seen it. And then there is the in their car/truck starers, hoping for a reason for road rage. YMMV ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/18 "2014-03-25T13:27:20Z")
> [@Randy\_Seltzer](#): > > Cheerful smile, maybe a little wave. If they’re close enough perhaps a “good morning!” > > The big alpha chimps on the CTA do not know how to react to this and will usually break off their staring pretty quick. Yip, that’s what I recommend. It’s not so much because they don’t understand, but because you’ve acted like you’re treating their staring as a greeting instead of a hostile act. Body language is all about context. Escalation usually happens because the other person thinks you are being hostile back–they are in the wrong frame of mind. At the same time, I think it shows a lack of intimidation, which makes it less likely they’ll do it again. Aggressive people seem to target those who can be intimidated. But that’s just a guess on my part. All I know is that smiling seems to work. I’ve never had it fail. ---
**Author:** ![Doug\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5ac83/32.png) [@Doug\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doug_K)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/19 "2014-03-25T13:27:29Z")
I can almost guarantee you that the person who is “staring heavily” at you is just wondering why **you** are staring heavily at **him**. He may even be posting on another board asking what his “best option” for dealing with you is. If you’re anywhere around lots of people, at any moment someone’s eyes are going to be pointed in your general direction, and your eyes are going to be pointed in someone else’s general direction. Just by laws of chance, occasionally two sets of eyes will happen to point at each other at the same time. Your best option is just to ignore it and don’t worry about it. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/20 "2014-03-25T13:30:00Z")
Maybe it’s my appearance, but I stare back, all the while thinking, “go on, motherfucker, try it”. Never had escalation, we just both go on about our business. Mutual assured destruction, maybe? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506.md?page=2)