# Dealing with people who want to stare you down and intimidate you. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 25, 2014, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506 "2014-03-25T06:45:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/21 "2014-03-25T13:43:23Z")
> [@Krouget](#): > > Honest question, but where have you been experiencing this with any frequency? Seriously … do you frequent biker bars or something? The best way to avoid these situations is don’t go to places where lots of people act like juvenile jackasses. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/22 "2014-03-25T14:18:44Z")
_stares heavily at the OP_ ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/23 "2014-03-25T14:45:29Z")
[quote=“Gateway, post:1, topic:684506”] > [@](#): > > I feel like to look away is to ‘lose,’ to ‘be less of a man.’ It is emasculating, especially if I am not doing something wrong and some jerk feels like giving me a cold stare. I never really understood this. Why is it emasculating that a complete stranger essentially challenges you to something, in this case staring, and you choose to decline… so what? Some perfect stranger has the better of you in an utterly meaningless contest? Chances are, he’ll completely forget about it in a few minutes. Worst case, he goes to the bar later and talks about how he totally owned this random guy in the line at Chipotle and he totally looked away. Score! Seriously, ask yourself, what exactly are you losing here? > [@](#): > > Alternatively I can stare back. The problem is with the wrong person this can lead to a fight on your hands. A fight (at least with someone who is big enough, strong enough, knows how to fight or has a weapon) this ALWAYS has the potential to be fatal, so it is generally better to keep the peace. Strongly disadvised. Sure, it’s highly unlikely to escalate, but sometimes there’s people who are just itching to start something. If someone declines the challenge of the stare, he no longer has an excuse to start something. Otherwise, if he’s all “alpha” or whatever, he might take it as a challenge to his manhood and decide to start something for it. Even if you did think you could take some random dude in a fight, it’s just not worth it. Just look away, and if you REALLY feel so ashamed about doing so obviously, then come up with some excuse like looking at your phone or whatever. > [@](#): > > I just don’t like handing people my balls in order to keep the peace, you know? Do you have any words of wisdom about situations such as this? This is just one of those things about manhood that seems to have a strong tie with the whole “alpha” mentality, and gets strongly associated with athletics, the gym, drinking, whatever. Despite that I have been involved a fair amount in athletics and the gym, I still don’t understand this stuff, and very rarely see it myself. Quite frankly, I don’t even see how “losing” a staring contest constitutes “handing people my balls.” It’s like Marty McFly, always having the smart reaction of turning away from a fight, but then gets egged on when he’s called chicken. It takes him three whole films to get over it and it changes his future. As far as I’m concerned, my “balls” aren’t about answering to ill-advised challenges; to me, being a man means having the balls to let someone else think they won, and I can spend my energy worrying about stuff that actually matters. It’s almost always posturing and insecurity, but it’s just not worth calling the bluff, because my manhood doesn’t depend one iota on what someone I don’t know thinks of me. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/24 "2014-03-25T15:00:02Z")
By not staring back - by casually shifting my gaze elsewhere - I classify the starer as “not a threat”, and therefore not worthy of my interest. That way, I end up holding \*his \*balls. Um… metaphorically speaking. ---
**Author:** ![MeanJoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanjoe/32/5693_2.png) [@MeanJoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanJoe)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/25 "2014-03-25T15:04:10Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Look, I understand that whole primate hierarchy/dominance thing (we women do have our own version) but you need to work the brain and not the brawn. If it’s a total stranger why do you care? Will you ever see this person again? > > THEY are just a bald chimp… and even most chimps are smart enough not try to dominance crap for no good reason. So he’s a _stupid_ bald chimp. Be better than him. This. Right here. Maybe it is an age thing but I just don’t care. When I was younger, maybe I’d feel my masculinity is being challenged. Now, I just chuckle a bit and move on. That bald chimp (awesome Broomstick!) who feels the need to do this is either a.) young and dumb and/or b.) pretty much a loser in the grand scheme of things. I own a home. I contribute to my neighborhood’s improvement. I have a loving wife. I have a job that compensates me pretty well and is satisfying. I have amazing friendships. So really, ignoring that stare doesn’t change my view of my own masculinity in any way. You didn’t dominate me in any way with your angry stare. Escalate it to a confrontation and you’ll find I can in fact defend myself pretty well. (I’m wicked fast dialing the police! Haha) As for those asking where this happens, I get it regularly in my neighborhood. It is a mixed economic neighborhood and you catch this behavior from a lot of the younger (and even some of the older) black males I encounter. I’m not hip enough but maybe the term is “fronting”. The younger hipsters in our neighborhood don’t do this, they’re too busy being ironic and disinterested in anything beyond how cool they pose at all times. 😃 The rest of us wave hi, stop and talk with our neighbors, and generally are open and friendly towards each other. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/26 "2014-03-25T15:25:18Z")
> [@Gateway](#): > > When people stare heavily at you in a way in order to try to dominate or to try to intimidate or something like that, I don’t know what my best option is. It is annoying. I feel like to look away is to ‘lose,’ to ‘be less of a man.’ It is emasculating, especially if I am not doing something wrong and some jerk feels like giving me a cold stare. > > Alternatively I can stare back. The problem is with the wrong person this can lead to a fight on your hands. A fight (at least with someone who is big enough, strong enough, knows how to fight or has a weapon) this ALWAYS has the potential to be fatal, so it is generally better to keep the peace. > > I just don’t like handing people my balls in order to keep the peace, you know? Do you have any words of wisdom about situations such as this? Stare back and bark “What!?” ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/27 "2014-03-25T15:47:39Z")
There’s the intimidation stare down and there’s being smart about your surroundings. Ask yourself what is going on around you on different sides. Did anyone appear suddenly? Is anyone moving closer to you or… circling you? Smile as best you can, but be aware and be safe. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/28 "2014-03-25T15:53:51Z")
> [@Gateway](#): > > I just don’t like handing people my balls Simple, don’t. Take them and put them in your wifes purse that you are carrying around for her. ---
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/29 "2014-03-25T15:58:44Z")
I think you have put too much thought into this. By too much I mean to say “any”. If strangers are walking up to you and challenging you to a fight you need to learn how to deal with it. But staring? This is something to be ignored. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/30 "2014-03-25T16:01:24Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > By not staring back - by casually shifting my gaze elsewhere - I classify the starer as “not a threat”, and therefore not worthy of my interest. That way, I end up holding \*his \*balls. Sort of my feeling, except that there are very, very few testicles in this world that I care about. Similarly, there are very few people whose opinion of my masculinity matters to me, and dumb ornery stranger wanting to pick a fight? Not one of them. I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with a dumb ornery stranger, and so I arrange my life to avoid that outcome. If that means that they think I’m a pussy, they’re welcome to their dumb ornery thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Nylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/77aa72/32.png) [@Mr.Nylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Nylock)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/31 "2014-03-25T16:03:13Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Seriously … do you frequent biker bars or something? The best way to avoid these situations is don’t go to places where lots of people act like juvenile jackasses. That’s what I always try to do. It’s really been a long time for me since I’ve been in a situation like this. Anyhow, I usually stare right back - I am very small in stature, but one time my unflinchingness scared the crap out of one guy I met in a bar; he was kind of drunk and I think he expected a different response due to our size difference, and we actually talked a bit after the dust settled - weird I know. Wouldn’t say I would recommend that approach for everyone though - like I said I was _much_ younger then. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/32 "2014-03-25T16:05:09Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > By not staring back - by casually shifting my gaze elsewhere - I classify the starer as “not a threat”, and therefore not worthy of my interest. That way, I end up holding \*his \*balls. > > Um… metaphorically speaking. Boy, you guys sure do care about each other’s balls a lot. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Si\_Amigo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/si_amigo/32/2877_2.png) [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/33 "2014-03-25T16:06:24Z")
> [@AncientHumanoid](#): > > Public transportation, sports events, and almost any retail environment is where I have seen it. > > And then there is the in their car/truck starers, hoping for a reason for road rage. > > YMMV Have you considered the possibility that you may be the problem? Seriously, I’ve been told that I make too much eye contact with people and that it intimidates some of the lower ordered folk. Generally I’m just interested in everything that is going on around me and some people interpret that as being too nosy. Yo really can’t know whats going on in other people thoughts, some of them are actually paranoid. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/34 "2014-03-25T16:07:59Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Boy, you guys sure do care about each other’s balls a lot. 🙂 They’re very precious and vulnerable, and they need friendship! ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/35 "2014-03-25T17:51:24Z")
Have you checked a mirror? Maybe you have spinach in your teeth. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/36 "2014-03-25T18:06:26Z")
**OP** , where are you and/or what are you doing when this happens? I can’t imagine when or why this would occur. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/37 "2014-03-25T19:02:38Z")
You all need to watch “Roadhouse” again. ::: sheesh:::: ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/38 "2014-03-25T20:11:13Z")
I’ll have you know I watch _Roadhouse_ every morning while I’m doing t’ai chi and smoking Marlboros. ---
**Author:** ![Sigene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df788c/32.png) [@Sigene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigene)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/39 "2014-03-25T20:40:31Z")
> [@AncientHumanoid](#): > > Public transportation, sports events, and almost any retail environment is where I have seen it. > > And then there is the in their car/truck starers, hoping for a reason for road rage. > > YMMV ??? I haven’t had this happen to me since high school. um…you are an adult right? Truthfully, when I read this, I have to think that if this is a common enough occurance to make you this uptight; that I wonder if you might have some issues that could be addressed with some counseling or medication. I’m guessing your behaviour is causing people to glance your way, and when you catch their eye, you instantly go into “I’m being challenged!, my honor and masculinity is on the line!” when, all they are really thinking is, ‘what’s up with that guy?’ or even more benign “Lasagna, I think I’ll have Lasagna for dinner.” ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2014, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506/40 "2014-03-25T21:16:57Z")
Nope. You are completely wrong. Thanks for trying, tho. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dealing-with-people-who-want-to-stare-you-down-and-intimidate-you/684506.md?page=3)