# "Dear Advice Columnist: I'm divorcing my porn-loving husband." **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 5, 2006, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118 "2006-03-05T07:36:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/202 "2006-03-08T17:25:28Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > Like it or not, that’s just how things function right now. So you advocate what? “That’s just how it is right now” usually means “so sit down and shut up about it”. Or perhaps “There’s nothing you can do about it anyway”. The first is reprehensible to suggest, and the second completely false. ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/203 "2006-03-08T18:05:58Z")
> [@Brain Wreck](#): > > To get money, many of us do things that we’d rather not, but usually not having sex with strangers on camera. That’s sort of over the line for most people. So anyone having sex for reasons other than pleasure gets my pity, as well as speculation as to why they’d be forced to do this rather than, say, getting a typing job. From that point, it’s just a question of asking “who is so desperate for money that they’d have sex to get it?” Have you seen how much money is involved in the porn industry? I know a girl who runs her own website. It’s “non-nude tease site” which means she does everything but completely expose her bare genitals and breasts. She also sells clothing from her sets on adult auction websites and does tease webcam shows for her website subscribers. It’s her only job, she does about an hour or two worth of work a day, and after four years she’s made enough to buy her own house. A friend of mine does nude photos. She’s worked with Suicide Girls and other adult websites. All she does is pose naked but she gets 200-300 an hour. If I want to, I can earn enough money to pay off an entire semester of college simply by taking off my clothes for a day. Can you imagine how much I would make doing porn? ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/204 "2006-03-08T18:26:52Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > If the disconnect in straight relationships is down to male/female differences, then identical disconnects should not be present in queer relationships. Yet they do. Who says they are identical? S/he who posits must prove. I don’t know which of the 36 strategies it is to try drag me into an argument about gayness (while the original argument sits peacefully idle), but it’s one of them. > [@](#): > > Yes, I understand your critique of my logic suggests that perhaps homosexuals have identical disconnects but for completely different reasons. Good, then you understand that your logic is fucked and your point completely irrelevent. > [@](#): > > If we were speaking of a world built on logic – which is a cognitive tool, not a panacea – I would say yes, that is possible. Huh? You seem totally out of your depth on SDMB, which is neither a compliment to you nor saying much for the board itself. > [@](#): > > But it is clearly an absurd proposal. Absurd or not, it’s not _my_ proposal. > [@](#): > > Of course queer couples don’t just happen to display identical behavior to straight ones, but with completely different motivations, which maybe come from the extra ‘gay’ lobe in their brain that makes them not subject to the gender rules you propose. It’s such an extraordinary claim it requires extraordinary evidence, and so far you’ve shown none at all. You can’t pull that line on someone who hasn’t made a claim, dear child. > [@](#): > > Dear God in Heaven, if your last point means “I’ve seen it so I know it’s true”, you’re in even worse mental shape than I assumed. Uh, that _is_ pretty much how we know what is true: We see it. Or use logic (you know, that non-panacea thing), or believe credible sources. You, however, seem to have a whole 'nother path to the truth that leads you to many different and interesting conclusions. ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/205 "2006-03-08T18:29:22Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > So you advocate what? “That’s just how it is right now” usually means “so sit down and shut up about it”. Or perhaps “There’s nothing you can do about it anyway”. The first is reprehensible to suggest, and the second completely false. Uh…right. What are you doing to make things better, and what positive effects have you had so far? -Joe ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/206 "2006-03-08T18:29:31Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > …dear child… The odds that you’re a virgin just went up even higher. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/207 "2006-03-08T18:32:13Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > Uh…right. > > What are you doing to make things better, and what positive effects have you had so far? > > -Joe I’ve been involved with sex-worker-rights activism and debate for half my life. And things are starting to get better, thanks for asking. You can take your cynical ignorance and shove it up your apathetic ass. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/208 "2006-03-08T18:34:02Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > The odds that you’re a virgin just went up even higher. I’m married with my own 6-month-old child, who apprently is already far more mentally developed than you are. Fuck off. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/209 "2006-03-08T18:39:33Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > The odds that you’re a virgin just went up even higher. And I’m tempted to let it go at that, but I rarely can do so, because I cling to this weird belief that everyone is educable. I can tell you’re new at this rational thinking game, so I’m going to slow down a little. The first thing we have to deal with is this thing where you think because your personal experience verifies your conclusion, the conclusion must be sound. Do you understand what I mean by that? “I’ve only seen men who like sex more than women, therefore most men like sex more than women”. That is the gist of your claim, and it’s laughable irrational, for someone who’s trying to use ‘logic’ like a chainsaw instead of a scalpel. So let’s just slow down and see if we can get on the same page about this first, because it’s at the base of your faulty thinking. ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/210 "2006-03-08T18:51:13Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Uh, that _is_ pretty much how we know what is true: We see it. Or use logic (you know, that non-panacea thing), or believe credible sources. You, however, seem to have a whole 'nother path to the truth that leads you to many different and interesting conclusions. Eh. Yes and no. That’s how it is to a lesser extent than it was, say 50 years ago. When it comes to sex, we don’t make clear, across the board advances because our society (at least in the US) started off with a rather fucked up, unhealthy view of sex. A lot of the taboos still exist because of religion or social mores, or just because we fear change. Society feeds women a very psychotic set of sexual standards to live up to. Be sexy, be who you are, love your body, but this is the standard you must live up to: 15lbs underweight and perfect in ways you will probably never acheive. Men are attracted to this, but nice girls don’t do that, so you shouldn’t. Be sexually open, but only in this capacity, because anything beyond these boundaries (varying from person to person) is perverted. If you’re raised at all religously, sex is discouraged except with your husband, so the feelings you’re having are sins against God and wrong. Is it any wonder we have a rather fucked up view of sex? All things being equal, it’d be easier to be a man. You guys are allowed to want it, encouraged to want it, it’s healthy for you and you don’t need an excuse. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/211 "2006-03-08T19:03:44Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > And I’m tempted to let it go at that, but I rarely can do so, because I cling to this weird belief that everyone is educable. You are definitely not the one to preach. Your posts have been rife with non-sequiturs and logical leaps and general idiocy. Plus you just seem like a dick. > [@](#): > > I can tell you’re new at this rational thinking game, so I’m going to slow down a little. Oh fuck you. > [@](#): > > The first thing we have to deal with is this thing where you think because your personal experience verifies your conclusion, the conclusion must be sound. Do you understand what I mean by that? “I’ve only seen men who like sex more than women, therefore most men like sex more than women”. That is the gist of your claim, Not even close. When I said that the asymmetrical needs thing was based on “direct observation,” apparently you jumped to the conclusion that this was my own pet theory. But I had already cited John Gray, so I guess you ignored that. Look, it’s a political topic. You apprently want to believe that men and women have the same brains and the same minds. Hard laboratory science goes against that belief _at least to some degree._ > [@](#): > > and it’s laughable irrational, for someone who’s trying to use ‘logic’ like a chainsaw instead of a scalpel. It’s a chainsaw panacea. > [@](#): > > So let’s just slow down and see if we can get on the same page about this first, because it’s at the base of your faulty thinking. What a tool you are. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/212 "2006-03-08T19:21:13Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > You know, it just occured to me that the fact that the question always seems to be about hypothetical daughters in the industry, never sons, probably tells us everything we need to know about where these attitudes are coming from. I gave daughters as an example because I am female. All of my points could apply to men as well (brothers, sons, nephews etc). ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/213 "2006-03-08T19:23:44Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > I’ve been involved with sex-worker-rights activism and debate for half my life. And things are starting to get better, thanks for asking. You can take your cynical ignorance and shove it up your apathetic ass. So, when’s the victory party, then? I’ll bet you can get a “Mission Accomplished” banner for cheap. Notice how you’ve managed to be an antagonistic flaming asshole towards at least two people in this thread so far? -Joe ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/214 "2006-03-08T19:25:41Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > The odds that you’re a virgin just went up even higher. Oops. Make that three people. -Joe ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/215 "2006-03-08T20:14:37Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > Oops. Make that three people. > > -Joe Well, to be fair, Joe, I think you poked him a little hard with that ad-hominemish “What have you done, what orgs do you lead?” question. It’s not like you have to have done something substantive in the real world to be entitled to an opinion on a topic. If that were so, this place wouldn’t be NEARLY as active … Point is, you can’t complain at being poked back when you start the poking. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/216 "2006-03-08T21:09:17Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > What a tool you are. You’re a grown man who calls other adults “dear child” in the middle of arguments and _I’m_ a tool? ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/217 "2006-03-08T21:10:19Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > But I had already cited John Gray, so I guess you ignored that. You meant that to be _serious_? Your cite is the “Let me convince you that there’s a basic problem in human interactions so I can make a lot of money shilling solutions” industry? ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/218 "2006-03-08T21:14:17Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > Notice how you’ve managed to be an antagonistic flaming asshole towards at least two people in this thread so far? > > -Joe Well, that’s good, at least. I’d hate to shoot for antagonistic flaming asshole and fall short at, say, just a slightly vexed and lukewarm buttcheek. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/219 "2006-03-08T21:27:00Z")
You know, “Lukewarm Buttcheek” would make for a spectacularly bad band name. ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/220 "2006-03-08T21:41:45Z")
> [@Evil Captor](#): > > Well, to be fair, Joe, I think you poked him a little hard with that ad-hominemish “What have you done, what orgs do you lead?” question. It’s not like you have to have done something substantive in the real world to be entitled to an opinion on a topic. If that were so, this place wouldn’t be NEARLY as active … > > Point is, you can’t complain at being poked back when you start the poking. I rarely complain about being poked. That’s life. However, when accepting the fact that the status quo is, in fact, the status quo means that one is either 'suggesting something reprehensible or stating complete falsehoods, well, that’s bullshit. However, since Our Hero here has obviously either solved this problem or made great strides, I’m sure there’s some demonstrable progress that has occurred. Especially since someone insists that a positive change can be made - someone so certain must have some great evidence considering they’ve supposedly spent “half their life” involved as an activist. -Joe ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/221 "2006-03-08T21:50:55Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > I rarely complain about being poked. That’s life. > > However, when accepting the fact that the status quo is, in fact, the status quo means that one is either 'suggesting something reprehensible or stating complete falsehoods, well, that’s bullshit. If you say you meant something else, I believe you and withdraw the implication. I _did_ ask what you meant to advocate. I have no idea what the next part means. Are you saying I’m wrong and that strides toward sex workers’ rights haven’t been made in recent history, largely as a result of activism? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118.md?page=12)