# "Dear Advice Columnist: I'm divorcing my porn-loving husband." **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 5, 2006, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118 "2006-03-05T07:36:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 9:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/41 "2006-03-05T09:35:10Z")
> [@The Sausage Creature](#): > > Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go slip into my starched nightgown and go through the Nightly Scouring of my House for my Husband’s Porn, The Joint Recital of the Monogamy Doctrine and the Nightly Scrotal Rubber Band Check. Sounds kinda kinky…can we all join in? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Khan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3ab097/32.png) [@Khan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khan)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/42 "2006-03-05T09:57:27Z")
I’ve seen exchanges like the one in the OP, and the suggestion that the couple needs counseling because the guy likes to rub one out to Penthouse once in a while really pisses me off. Thing is, **Aeschines** , I take it from your comments that you dramatized the exchange somewhat. Did “scandalized” really volunteer that about her weight? If not, I’ll be disappointed. If so, it seems to me that it’s more about her insecurity than her husband’s “infidelity” (:rolleyes:). To wit: “Do you hate your body so much you have to reduce every painting of the female form to pornography?” -Family Guy ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/43 "2006-03-05T11:00:33Z")
Promising rant until point #1 and point #2 especially. The women that freak out over men and their porn are no worse and no better than the men who freak out over women using sex toys. Both should learn to deal with it and not see the inanimate as competition. If a husband refuses to have sex with a wife for the sole reason that she is fat, then he has problems. No one stays perfectly as they were in their youth. If the fire in a relationship is doused by a bit of fat, how is it going to cope with liver spots? ---
**Author:** ![FlyingRamenMonster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@FlyingRamenMonster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingRamenMonster)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/44 "2006-03-05T11:01:06Z")
Add me to the list of people who were about to agree with you before you started talking. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/45 "2006-03-05T11:09:39Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > Sounds kinda kinky…can we all join in? Only if you promise to film. Also, what **lee** said. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/46 "2006-03-05T13:27:59Z")
Besides, for every woman who’s gained weight and is maybe not quite as good-looking as she was when she was younger, there’s a man with a bad combover, a beergut that belongs in a museum, and spends a little too much time on the couch watching sports and not enough time paying attention to his wife. I don’t see anything wrong with porn but when it becomes a substitute for actual sex with one’s partner, it’s a problem. Robin ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/47 "2006-03-05T13:39:59Z")
Just chiming in against the people who imply that the type of question/response in the OP is unusual. I’ve seen variations on “My husband won’t stop watching porn” “Then take the sick fuck to counseling or dump him” an awful lot of times myself, in newspaper, magazine AND internet columns. I’ve seen it in the daily paper and in Reader’s Digest. I agree that in some ways it seems like **Aeschines** woke up with a hearty bowl of Stupid Flakes, but I can understand the apparent arm-waving and ranting. I agree with the “he’s going to look at porn; get past it or move on” school of thought. Every time I see some advice column-readin’ dipschitte whine about how porn on the internet or cable or in magazines is ruining! her! marriage! I want to do some ranting and arm-waving too. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/48 "2006-03-05T14:08:38Z")
> [@MGibson](#): > > Even Dr. Laura said it was ok for a man to have a few nudie magazines. And credit goes to her for personally providing pictoral content. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/49 "2006-03-05T14:12:14Z")
Yeah it’s such a shock that men look at porn. They’re in a really, really tiny minority if they don’t look at porn, and those are the ones that worry me. > [@](#): > > **Flying Cow of Doom** said: > I wasn’t “banging heat” at the time, but I did have a respect for women and I don’t think it’s right to objectify them. I have an ex-boyfriend who thought that way. He also tended to consider sex ‘bad and wrong’ because it’s disrespectful to use a woman. I had to dump him or accept being sexually frustrated forever. > [@](#): > > Also, I think it’s kinda sick to look at sexual images of women to whom I have no emotional attachment. So am I sick because I look at sexual images of men to whom I have no emotional attachment? Hell I _fuck men_ I am not emotionally attached to. > [@](#): > > In other words, women are not sex toys, they’re people. I don’t care if they’re voluntarily exposing themselves; I still think it’s disgusting. I don’t think it’s up to you what women are. It’s up to women what women are, and if they want to be naked in a magazine or a movie or on the Internet, then that’s up to them. It’s not your place to make judgements about them and whether or not what they’re doing is disgusting. I don’t need you being all sanctimonious and patronizing and telling me that I’m not a sex toy, because it’s not your place to decide how I use my body. ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/50 "2006-03-05T14:16:37Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Awww…somebody’s got a case of the Mondays! More like somebody’s got a case of “My Wife Caught Me Whacking Off To [barnyardluvshenanigans.com](http://barnyardluvshenanigans.com) And Now She Won’t Put Out.” The thing is that I agree with **Aeschines**. Watching porn is like smoking pot: It only becomes a problem if you do too much of it, or if your mother walks in on you while it’s going on. Just stop being such a drama queen about it, **Aeschinese** , OK? ---
**Author:** ![jlzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/67e7ee/32.png) [@jlzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jlzania)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/51 "2006-03-05T15:00:29Z")
> [@MsRobyn](#): > > I don’t see anything wrong with porn but when it becomes a substitute for actual sex with one’s partner, it’s a problem. > > Robin Bingo! I don’t have a problem with porn per se. However, I don’t want my husband using erotic images of barbie women as a subsitute for for doing the actual dirty deed with me. I love having sex with him, I’m generally eager, able, and willing and I make an effort to be attractive and sexy. I want his sexual energy directed towards me and not his right hand and images of a stranger. I’ve always wondered if men who are married or in a long term relationship that watch tremendous amounts of porn actually have a really good sex life with their partners. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/52 "2006-03-05T15:05:52Z")
I know that the OP used the Fat word, which seems to be the signal around here for the to get out the pitchforks and torches, no matter the context, but buried in there is a point. I, too, have read advice columns like this one and have also wondered at the reality disconnect. Specifically, in the great majority of cases, men use porn. There also seems to be a pretty big drive amongst spouses to make this shameful, dirty and to somehow take it personally. I think that the question that the OP has is simply why it is that we are unable to admit this seemingly basic element of male nature and move on. What do you do if you still have a sex drive but are not as attracted physically to your wife? Why do we seem to be setting ourselves up (as a culture) for marital strife? ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/53 "2006-03-05T15:10:50Z")
> [@](#): > > Watching porn is like smoking pot: It only becomes a problem if you do too much of it, or if your mother walks in on you while it’s going on. Not to mention how much more of a problem it becomes if she then says, “Hey! Who said you could borrow my porn?” ---
**Author:** ![jlzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/67e7ee/32.png) [@jlzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jlzania)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/54 "2006-03-05T15:20:48Z")
> [@Binarydrone](#): > > I think that the question that the OP has is simply why it is that we are unable to admit this seemingly basic element of male nature and move on. What do you do if you still have a sex drive but are not as attracted physically to your wife? Why do we seem to be setting ourselves up (as a culture) for marital strife? You know, the physical attraction thing works both ways. 😃 Years ago, a very smart man I knew cautioned me that a good sexual relationship, like any other relationship, required effort by both partners. That included not only keeping yourself in shape and attractive to your SO but making the time for quality sex-including communicating about and exploring your fantasies together, tapping into your sensuality as well as your sexuality and putting as least as much effort into a great sex life as you do all the other aspects of your life with each other. Sure, you may never get that same little buzz that comes with sex with a new partner but the other benefits of being with the same person, at least in my exprience, far outweigh that. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/55 "2006-03-05T15:21:21Z")
> [@Binarydrone](#): > > I, too, have read advice columns like this one and have also wondered at the reality disconnect. Specifically, in the great majority of cases, men use porn. There also seems to be a pretty big drive amongst spouses to make this shameful, dirty and to somehow take it personally. I think it comes down to a false dichotomy based on unrealistic expectations. Some women believe in the whole happily-ever-after model of marriage. They also think porn is a substitute for them. (Sometimes it is, but sometimes it’s not.) So when they find their husbands whacking it to naked pictures of Paris Hilton, or whoever, they take it as a personal rejection. So it’s an either-or: Either Johnny wants ME or he wants that WHORE and if he wants that WHORE, he doesn’t want ME anymore. Robin ---
**Author:** ![monica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@monica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monica)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/56 "2006-03-05T15:39:31Z")
Women need to realize that sometimes men need more than one sexual outlet (the first one being them). So long as the use of porn isn’t replacing having sex with his wife, there’s no problem with it. Furthermore, I kind of think that if this helps a man get what he needs, it’s most certainly a better option than cheating. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/57 "2006-03-05T15:40:08Z")
I’d bet a fair amount of money that the real letter writer cited by **Aeschines** wasn’t upset that her husband looked at porn. She was upset that her husband was looking at porn so much he was ignoring her both physically and emotionaly. That seems like a valid complaint to me. I don’t think any woman outside of Jackchickistan is going to be that upset if her husband occaisionally looks at porn. We live in the age of teh internets, when it’s pretty much impossible not to look at porn. But looking at porn so much you blow off your mate seems a form of infidelity to me, a bad thing for men or women. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/58 "2006-03-05T15:50:21Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Women suffer horribly from what men do. Men in general are godawful swine. > > But the willful naivete of women in our society regarding the nature of male sexuality hurts men and themselves at the same time. > > Put simply, here’s our problem: Men are pigs, and women pretend that they aren’t until they can pretend no longer. Yeah, but they only do it because of their atavistic biological code of reproductive fitness. Way I see it, if all they’re looking for is a thick neck and a paycheck, they’re kind of getting what’s coming to them in the psychosocial burgoo that is Modern Life Today. Yeah, I’ve had the Mondays all fukken week… ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/59 "2006-03-05T16:35:34Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > And credit goes to her for personally providing pictoral content. Actually she was pretty hot! Google Dr. Laura photos (no quotes) ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2006, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/60 "2006-03-05T17:26:45Z")
> [@monica](#): > > Women need to realize that sometimes men need more than one sexual outlet (the first one being them). So long as the use of porn isn’t replacing having sex with his wife, there’s no problem with it. Furthermore, I kind of think that if this helps a man get what he needs, it’s most certainly a better option than cheating. I’ll go along with that. Put me in that camp that doesn’t understand why some women are shocked, SHOCKED!! to find out their husbands masturbate. They’re men, they do that. Men also happen to like looking at naked women. The two sort of go hand in hand. No pun intended. On top of all this, you introduce the internet, which is basically porn with the occasional informational site here and there, and, well…personally, I don’t see how Playboy and Penthouse still make a profit with all the free internet porn to be had. Women tend to equate sex with love, which men (for the most part) don’t do. One female friend of mine told me she caught her husband masturbating and he told her he was bored. She didn’t believe him. :rolleyes: I told her what a male friend of mine told me a long time ago: “Any grown man who tells a woman he’s never whacked off is a liar. Any grown man who tells a woman he USED to whack off, but doesn’t any more is a filthy liar.” Honey, your husband is going to masturbate. Maybe he’s bored, maybe he just woke up from a nap with a hardon, who knows? As long as it doesn’t take away from his sex life with you, what’s the problem? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118.md?page=4)