# "Dear Advice Columnist: I'm divorcing my porn-loving husband." **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 5, 2006, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118 "2006-03-05T07:36:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/162 "2006-03-07T18:13:13Z")
> [@even sven](#): > > The anti-sex social conditioning young women get doesn’t destroy the sex response. It perverts it in to self-loathing and shame. Young women don’t naturally undergo a sexually latent period as children- a toddler can have the same orgasms an adult woman experiences. This means girls getting scolded for masturbating as children learn a lesson that they will take in to adulthood. Since there is not as much open sex talk among girls, they never really learn much about what these feelings mean. And since masturbation is a bit more complicated for girls, and much more stigmatized, they don’t learn what pleases them, much less how to communicate that to a parter. So they end up having sex with some oaf who hasn’t a clue, when they don’t have a clue themselves, so they conclude that sex must be a man’s world. Meanwhile, they still have all these feelings, but have long learned to channel them instantly to shame. Did you know most women describe their genitals as “ugly”? Plenty of women couldn’t draw a decent picture of what all there is down there. How are you supposed to have good sex when you’ve never had a chance to explore you body, learn it, and become comfortable in it? That is true for so many women. Well said. I don’t know if I just got lucky or what, but none of that was my experience. It has always shocked me how sexually repressed a lot of women I’ve met are. And I don’t mean that they’re prudish, just that they don’t quite “get it” when it comes to what a woman can get out of sex. I give a lot of credit to my early experiences with masturbation. And I think the fact that I was always comfortable with myself is the reason I waited until almost 19 to have sex, and have had very fulfilling sex ever since. Masturbation should be taught in school!!! ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/163 "2006-03-07T18:22:34Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > FWIW, I’m NOT talking about romance novels. I’m talking about decent written erotica. Romance novels are more for shits and giggles-who comes up with those ridiculous phrases? And I’m saying there is no meaningful distinction to be made between erotica and some lines of romance novels (such as Harlequin’s Blaze series – but there are many others, some more “advanced” than Blaze). ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/164 "2006-03-07T18:23:05Z")
> [@kidchameleon](#): > > I’m knid of wondering if the term ‘hard-wired’ is being abused here. Other than bath houses porn has been available to the common person for,what, 50 years? Maybe 100? I love my burritos and they’ve been around that long, but I don’t think anyone is ‘hardwired’ for burritos. > > Did anyone read **Dear Abby** yesterday? I thought it was headed toward material for this thread but then went a whole nother way… Are you talking about the one where she caught her husband in bed with her brother? Actually, porn has been around for a long time, most of it was amateur drawings and writings. The Victorians had a LOT of it-even photographs. You could find it if you looked for it. **even sven** , dead on. You get that idea that “nice girls don’t do that”. It’s not something that’s even overt, it’s just sort of in your sub-conscious, and you don’t even realize it. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/165 "2006-03-07T18:25:16Z")
> [@jlzania](#): > > I don’t. > I’ve read exactly three romance novels in my life-when I was trapped at my parent’s house and had read everything else in sight. > That was over 25 years ago and I’ve never wanted to read another one. Your impressions are a little outdated. ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/166 "2006-03-07T20:15:08Z")
> [@Ellis Dee](#): > > I’ve never been able to grasp this concept. Is the idea that if enough people of authority tell you that sex is bad, then you believe them? Because speaking as a guy, that just does not compute. All the disapproval in the world cowers in fear from the unstoppable sex drive of a teenage boy. I come away from my recent breakup with the impression that a certain sort of conservative anti-sex background can actually do a pretty impressive number on the sexuality of some guys. ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/167 "2006-03-07T21:26:32Z")
> [@Lilairen](#): > > I come away from my recent breakup with the impression that a certain sort of conservative anti-sex background can actually do a pretty impressive number on the sexuality of some guys. “Do a number” as in an explosion of sexual activity once they realize how much fun it can be (my experience with conserative anti-sex women backgrounders) or “Do a number” as in “can’t get it up without assless chaps and a baby bonnet” (aka Bill O’reilly syndrome)? -Joe ---
**Author:** ![pokey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ebca7d/32.png) [@pokey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pokey)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/168 "2006-03-07T22:26:03Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Why does it have to be no plot, no character development, just some man’s idea of what women feel when they are excited sexually? (case in point: I know of no woman who licks her lips in the way depicted in porn-it’s ridiculous). You know I don’t mind at all that there’s no plot and so on. I am female and I like mainstream porn and accept it for what it is. What makes it harder for me to find things I like is that the bottom line is that I am looking to identify with the female, not the male. I don’t even need to see Mr. Darcy’s dingaling, I just want to see things where the girl has fun and as much dignity as a naked person can have (that’s pretty relative.) I just don’t care how good and fancy that blowjob is unless I can see that it’s good for the girl, and by the same token, some oral sex scene where a guy is doing something to a woman, I wouldn’t even notice if he looked miserable. Or if I noticed, I wouldn’t care. It’s not who I’m identifying with. I only identify with my side. But I never seem to care a whole ton about woman’s porn because I’m impatient with plots and the more they try to set up some story, the harder it is for me to suspend disbelief. I mean the more they are trying to act the greater the odds of crappy acting. I just want to see sex scenes where the female has a body that reminds me of me, or an exaggerated version of me, and where the sex at least approximates things that can get a female off. So mainstream porn is best for me but it takes a lot of looking and being disappointed before I find something that has the elements I want. And it’s not because women are so picky. If the whole world of porn was girls shoving their crotches in someone’s face whether he liked it or not and then triumpnantly squirting on them while they took it and grinned and shut the hell up about it, life would be pretty easy. At least my life would be. If you think about it, porn is like some big rainbow of male stuff from bad to nice and girls just have to look in between to see when a woman accidentally gets hers. I don’t know, women’s porn is for some woman who’s not me, and I’m coming from the other side of the dirtiness spectrum. But men just get a whole spectrum on a plate and they don’t have to look too hard for it. They can go by mood and experiment and everything. Some guys are bossy and selfish sometimes and when they feel like that they can just look at some porn and see zillions of guys being bossy and selfish with women and think, “ah yes, the universe is back in order, now I can get to work.” Maybe if guys didn’t have that, they’d do stuff like write to Dear Abby too. ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/169 "2006-03-07T22:34:22Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > “Do a number” as in an explosion of sexual activity once they realize how much fun it can be (my experience with conserative anti-sex women backgrounders) or “Do a number” as in “can’t get it up without assless chaps and a baby bonnet” (aka Bill O’reilly syndrome)? Do a number as in, “Displays of sexual interest are so utterly fraught that it torpedoes his ability to respond”. He’s said, pretty much, that any circumstance under which some sort of sexual response is expected from him renders him incapable of coping. As far as I can tell, we only had a sex life because we were a long-distance relationship, and so my unavailability made it safe for him to be into me the couple of times a year we saw each other, so long as I didn’t stay too long. (I don’t know whether he would agree; he did say that he could understand why it would look like that to me.) ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/170 "2006-03-07T22:56:55Z")
> [@Lilairen](#): > > Do a number as in, “Displays of sexual interest are so utterly fraught that it torpedoes his ability to respond”. He’s said, pretty much, that any circumstance under which some sort of sexual response is expected from him renders him incapable of coping. > > As far as I can tell, we only had a sex life because we were a long-distance relationship, and so my unavailability made it safe for him to be into me the couple of times a year we saw each other, so long as I didn’t stay too long. (I don’t know whether he would agree; he did say that he could understand why it would look like that to me.) Ah. Intimacy = sex. Sex = Terror. You so scary! -Joe, how you doin? ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2006, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/171 "2006-03-07T23:06:35Z")
> [@Merijeek](#): > > “Do a number” as in an explosion of sexual activity once they realize how much fun it can be (my experience with conserative anti-sex women backgrounders) or “Do a number” as in “can’t get it up without assless chaps and a baby bonnet” (aka Bill O’reilly syndrome)? It is my public duty to point out here that “assless chaps” is a meaningless term as there is no such thing as “assed chaps” unless you’re talking about an Englishman who lost his buttocks in the war. ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/172 "2006-03-08T00:46:36Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > “Homosexuality is different from heterosexuality by definition” only because the sexes involved are different. Until you prove that homosexual relationships are functionally different, and that the people involved don’t experience the same disconnects as in hetero relationships (hint: you can’t, because they do) your premises about male/female relationships are easily falsified, as others have noted. Problem 1: S/he who posits must prove. I never talked about gays. Problem 2: The argument is logically invalid. If you don’t know why, then you shouldn’t make the attempt. (I’ll help: Reasoning that equivalence of consequents means equivalence of antecedents = big no no.) Problem 3: My observations about asymmetrical and contradictory needs in heterosexual relationships are exactly that: direct observations. It is like trying to form a logical argument against the claim that strawberries are red. ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/173 "2006-03-08T01:29:25Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Problem 3: My observations about asymmetrical and contradictory needs in heterosexual relationships are exactly that: direct observations. It is like trying to form a logical argument against the claim that strawberries are red. Unfortunately, from my perspective, you appear to be arguing the claim that strawberries are sort of brownish-black and disintegrate into slime on contact. To which I can only say, “Well, if you only try the _rotten_ ones …” ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/174 "2006-03-08T01:38:14Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Problem 1: S/he who posits must prove. I never talked about gays. > > Problem 2: The argument is logically invalid. If you don’t know why, then you shouldn’t make the attempt. (I’ll help: Reasoning that equivalence of consequents means equivalence of antecedents = big no no.) > > Problem 3: My observations about asymmetrical and contradictory needs in heterosexual relationships are exactly that: direct observations. It is like trying to form a logical argument against the claim that strawberries are red. Problem Zero: you don’t actually understand half of what you just tried to say. If the disconnect in straight relationships is down to male/female differences, then identical disconnects should not be present in queer relationships. Yet they do. Yes, I understand your critique of my logic suggests that perhaps homosexuals have identical disconnects but for completely different reasons. If we were speaking of a world built on logic – which is a cognitive tool, not a panacea – I would say yes, that is possible. But it is clearly an absurd proposal. Of course queer couples don’t just happen to display identical behavior to straight ones, but with completely different motivations, which maybe come from the extra ‘gay’ lobe in their brain that makes them not subject to the gender rules you propose. It’s such an extraordinary claim it requires extraordinary evidence, and so far you’ve shown none at all. Dear God in Heaven, if your last point means “I’ve seen it so I know it’s true”, you’re in even worse mental shape than I assumed. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/175 "2006-03-08T01:39:46Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > Problem Zero: you don’t actually understand half of what you just tried to say. > > If the disconnect in straight relationships is down to male/female differences, then identical disconnects should not be present in queer relationships. Yet they do. Yet they are, that is. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/176 "2006-03-08T02:38:23Z")
> [@Aeschines](#): > > Problem 3: My observations about asymmetrical and contradictory needs in heterosexual relationships are exactly that: direct observations. It is like trying to form a logical argument against the claim that strawberries are red. Your “observations” so far seem to be Dear Abby columns. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/177 "2006-03-08T04:21:26Z")
> [@MGibson](#): > > Even Dr. Laura said it was ok for a man to have a few nudie magazines. . . . The only problem with this statement is that Dr. Laura’s credibility on this topic, or pretty much any topic, is about the same as one of those 8 balls that answers questions. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/178 "2006-03-08T05:25:33Z")
> [@RaftPeople](#): > > The only problem with this statement is that Dr. Laura’s credibility on this topic, or pretty much any topic, is about the same as one of those 8 balls that answers questions. It is decidedly so. ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/179 "2006-03-08T05:28:41Z")
> [@RaftPeople](#): > > The only problem with this statement is that Dr. Laura’s credibility on this topic, or pretty much any topic, is about the same as one of those 8 balls that answers questions. Hey, now the 8-Ball did get one thing right when it told us that “Outlook not so good.” ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/180 "2006-03-08T07:28:12Z")
> [@asterion](#): > > Hey, now the 8-Ball did get one thing right when it told us that “Outlook not so good.” Yeah. Made me switch browsers. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2006, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118/181 "2006-03-08T07:59:19Z")
> [@Hentor the Barbarian](#): > > I think this is very true (that most porn is just poorly done), but what alternatives are there? Despite it being, as I understand it, an X billion dollar industry, apparently the stigma keeps people or companies of real quality from being involved. There are a few folks who put out some stuff with some thought behind it or effort put into the production of it, but not many. I much prefer some sort of story, some good acting, some decent lighting and music, some creativity behind the editing, and so forth, but I still want to see the explicit sex. If quality work isn’t available, though, I’ll take what is. Its not the stigma. From the FAQ in the erotic films newsgroup, done by someone in the industry, it seems that they have found that low quality movies without a story sell as well as those with one - so the bad drives out the good. In the '70s, when there was just as much of a stigma as today, we had Devil in Miss Jones, Flesh Gordon, Debbie Does Dallas, and other movies with real stories. Sex is sex, but stories last longer than five minutes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-advice-columnist-im-divorcing-my-porn-loving-husband/347118.md?page=10)