# Dear Attractive Married Women: Plz Wear A Ring. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 17, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336 "2012-11-17T19:13:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 20
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/381 "2012-11-27T15:10:10Z")
> [@digs](#): > > I think just by participating in this thread we should each have an alert on our phones that says _“Whatever you’re tempted to say to that person at the bar, **don’t**.”_ Was the OP at a bar? I must have misread. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/382 "2012-11-27T15:36:40Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > Was the OP at a bar? I must have misread. Wasn’t being literal, just potentially humorous. Just figured that’s where I could get in the most trouble inserting foot in mouth as regards the opposite gender. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/383 "2012-11-27T15:45:08Z")
> [@digs](#): > > Wasn’t being literal, just potentially humorous. That’s not advisable when dealing with Troppus. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/384 "2012-11-27T15:55:11Z")
> [@digs](#): > > Wasn’t being literal, just potentially humorous. > [@Muffin](#): > > That’s not advisable when dealing with Troppus. And if you go out of your way to avoid potential misunderstandings by being literal, that won’t work either. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/385 "2012-11-27T16:14:22Z")
> [@digs](#): > > Wasn’t being literal, just potentially humorous. Just figured that’s where I could get in the most trouble inserting foot in mouth as regards the opposite gender. Nah. Anything goes at a bar. I’ve never been to a bar for any reason other than to watch a game or a band, and always with a date, but if I’m hit on while refilling a drink or on the way to the ladies’ it’s no big deal. It’s expected that people might be looking for new friends at social venues. Look, smile at everyone, even those you don’t find attractive. Make small talk whenever the situation is appropriate. Remember not to hover over anyone who is working or trapped at a desk and can’t escape. Let people work, get groceries, buy stamps. Don’t follow anyone around, and for God’s sake, don’t ever follow any woman in a parking lot. There are plenty of chances to chat with people in line, while waiting for your car to be serviced, at the dog park. Don’t start the day lonely and determined to get a date, that’s how you force a stranger to play a role in your agenda. Just be friendly equally with people regardless of appearance, age, size, or sex. It takes two people to make a connection, so give some consideration to the target’s hopes, dreams, and situation, too. Compliments are great, sincerity is the best. Generosity will be appreciated and noted, so don’t dole out niceties because you expect something in return. Really out of your element? Practice being selflessly nice, eventually it will come naturally. Try saying nice things, then split immediately. Don’t lurk around waiting for reciprocation; that’s both insincere and creepy. “You have a nice smile, hope you have a great day.” “It was nice/fun talking with you, have a great weekend.” “Great hair, by the way. See ya later!” “You’re funny. Gotta go!” It might be hard to start a conversation with a stranger if you are shy, but practice will help. But the best way to meet new people is to drop the expectation, the entitlement, the projection, and the emotional attachment to others who don’t know you or owe you. Be nice, approachable, fun, and friendly to everyone regardless of their potential to warm your bed. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/386 "2012-11-27T16:18:56Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > And if you go out of your way to avoid potential misunderstandings by being literal, that won’t work either. Oh good lord, you think your style of communication is “being literal”? I’d call tedious, pedantic, obsessive, or tunnel-visioned. But literal? Nope. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/387 "2012-11-27T16:52:08Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > … But the best way to meet new people is to drop the expectation, the entitlement, the projection, and the emotional attachment to others who don’t know you or owe you. Be nice, approachable, fun, and friendly to everyone regardless of their potential to warm your bed. Well, literal or not, this is all good advice. Thanks. Hmm, I have a free afternoon; I may just have to go Spread Some Random Joy to a few strangers. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/388 "2012-11-27T17:09:54Z")
> [@digs](#): > > Well, literal or not, this is all good advice. Thanks. > > Hmm, I have a free afternoon; I may just have to go Spread Some Random Joy to a few strangers. Awesome. Have fun! ---
**Author:** ![Cmoore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Cmoore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cmoore)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/389 "2012-11-27T18:28:48Z")
RickJay, now you know exactly how to cope with the situation. Simply ask every attractive woman you meet if they are married, preferably while raising your eyebrows suggestively. This is a simple solution to your raging misogyny. ---
**Author:** ![Cmoore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Cmoore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cmoore)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/390 "2012-11-27T18:36:35Z")
@Broomstick “Hey, here’s an idea - if you’re interested in a woman ask her if she’s “available” or already in a relationship. You know, like you’d ask another man for information about something, except the human you’re addressing just happens to be a woman.” Why do I get the feeling that if someone you weren’t attracted to asked if you were “available” you’d be on here labeling him a creep? There’s something called subtlety that I’ve heard women appreciate, maybe unwanted subtle signals of interest could be avoided by wearing a wedding ring, I think this is the OP point. Although him saying only “attractive” women ought to wear their rings is a bit off. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/391 "2012-11-27T18:49:45Z")
If someone I’ve never met asks “Are you single?” I’ll say no, I’m married. And if the topic isn’t pursued any further I really don’t have a problem. I’ll even accept a faint sigh of regret at the fact I’m “taken”. What pisses me off is when the other person - and really, this is equally offensive, though much less common, from women as well as men - goes on and on with “well, just how married are you?” or “why don’t you wear a ring, then, you tease” or “you’re being married won’t bother me” or anything else along those lines. It says the person won’t take “no” for an answer. Even if I was single and available that’s not the sort of person I’d be looking for anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Cmoore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Cmoore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cmoore)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/392 "2012-11-27T19:03:09Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > Ok, BigT, let me share how I feel about it. > “Aww, you seem really nice, but I’m seeing someone.” > “You’re right, we do have a lot in common, but I’m seeing someone.” > “No, I don’t wear a ring, and you seem swell, but I’m married.” > “It was nice talking with you, but I’m seeing someone.” > > Him: She gave me a compliment, she thinks we have something in common, I think she likes me. I’ve got a chance with this one! > > Or, I can just reply “No thanks” in a final tone of voice with no additional compliments or niceties. Which do you think is kinder? Including a compliment or two that may be misconstrued, or a firm negative? It’s better for both of us if a guy takes the time to get to know me before coming onto me. When he regards me as a conquest rather than a person, how much time and consideration do you think I owe him? Right, so next time a woman asks me if she looks good in a dress or if I think she’s pretty enough to be on TV or something like that, then I should just reply in a stern final tone with my honest opinion? Maybe “No I think you’re of average attractiveness and there’s nothing special about your looks at all”."Or something equally true but cutting to her self esteem? Wouldn’t want to get her hopes up would we. There’s something called manners and I dont think women should get a free pass to violate them. Why do you assume every man regards women as “conquests”? I think you’ve been watching too many high school comedy blockbusters. I could equally (and obviously wrongly) say that every woman treats men as an ATM machine so should be treated by men like a prostitute. ---
**Author:** ![Cmoore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Cmoore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cmoore)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/393 "2012-11-27T19:06:48Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > If someone I’ve never met asks “Are you single?” I’ll say no, I’m married. And if the topic isn’t pursued any further I really don’t have a problem. I’ll even accept a faint sigh of regret at the fact I’m “taken”. > > What pisses me off is when the other person - and really, this is equally offensive, though much less common, from women as well as men - goes on and on with “well, just how married are you?” or “why don’t you wear a ring, then, you tease” or “you’re being married won’t bother me” or anything else along those lines. It says the person won’t take “no” for an answer. Even if I was single and available that’s not the sort of person I’d be looking for anyway. I agree completely with this, although I think a lot of women WOULD have a problem with a stranger asking if they were single. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/394 "2012-11-27T19:13:49Z")
Well, **Malacandra** , it looks like we’ll have to continue the discussion of your nuts/junk/wood some other time. This thread’s gotten weird again. {Sigh} ---
**Author:** ![Freakenstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b782af/32.png) [@Freakenstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freakenstein)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/395 "2012-11-27T19:15:11Z")
**Troppus** , I was responding to Your post 379, sentence by sentence crushing it to pieces with polite logic ( no insults or swearwords ). And then I read Your post 385 and deleted it. Vow, I didn’t see that coming, that was just beautiful. So are You actually a nice person after all?\* So… in what neighborhood You do live…? (\*Unless this is one more manifestation of evil You. This is the Pit for crying out loud and You’re ruining it! ) ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/396 "2012-11-27T19:28:10Z")
> [@elucidator](#): > > Well, that’s a lot easier than male black widow spiders have it. They politely inquire as to their status as a prospective mate only to find that they are considered food. But they go ahead and do it anyway. Not very smart. > > Luckily, we are much smarter than that, and can entirely ignore such Darwinian hard-wiring. Or so I’m told. With human males, it happens but so much more slowly than with a black widow. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/397 "2012-11-27T19:38:02Z")
> [@Cmoore](#): > > There’s something called manners and I dont think women should get a free pass to violate them. > > Why do you assume every man regards women as “conquests”? I think you’ve been watching too many high school comedy blockbusters. I could equally (and obviously wrongly) say that every woman treats men as an ATM machine so should be treated by men like a prostitute. But it’s okay for men to bypass good manners and skip bothering to find out the bare basics about a woman before coming on to her? I disagree. As far as “conquests” goes, I think it’s safe to assume that a man who asks a woman out does so because he wants something from her. If a man sporting obvious displays of conspicuous consumption receives attention from strange women who don’t attempt to get to know him before pouncing, it’s safe to say they regard him as a conquest. ---
**Author:** ![SouthernGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@SouthernGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SouthernGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/398 "2012-11-27T19:57:00Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > Ok, I’m the awesome chick in the OP, let’s stage a reenactment. > Banter ensues. > RJ: Hey, you’re fun. Let’s go out. > Me: Can’t, I’m married. > RJ: You should wear a wedding ring so guys like me don’t get all butthurt. > Me: I don’t wear a ring because of reasons. We can still be friends though, right? > RJ: No, I was hoping to sleep with you. I’m no longer interested in your interestingness since vagina is out of the picture. > Me: Well then, since you don’t actually care about anything other than my vagina, I don’t care if you are embarrassed by my rejection. Get lost, horndog. > > Aand…scene. Your bitter old woman is showing… ---
**Author:** ![Cmoore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Cmoore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cmoore)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/399 "2012-11-27T20:16:53Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > But it’s okay for men to bypass good manners and skip bothering to find out the bare basics about a woman before coming on to her? I disagree. > > As far as “conquests” goes, I think it’s safe to assume that a man who asks a woman out does so because he wants something from her. If a man sporting obvious displays of conspicuous consumption receives attention from strange women who don’t attempt to get to know him before pouncing, it’s safe to say they regard him as a conquest. In my view wanting to skip the bothering is a sign of good manners. Why is it wrong to want to date a woman because you want something from her? Surely that’s the main reason people enter into relationships, because they provide mutual satisfaction to each other. You seem to be trapped in a strange world where satisfaction means sex and nothing else, companionship, conversation, the feeling of being wanted are non-existent. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336/400 "2012-11-27T20:23:35Z")
> [@Freakenstein](#): > > **Troppus** , I was responding to Your post 379, sentence by sentence crushing it to pieces with polite logic ( no insults or swearwords ). > > And then I read Your post 385 and deleted it. > Vow, I didn’t see that coming, that was just beautiful. So are You actually a nice person after all? > So… in what neighborhood You do live…? > (\*Unless this is one more manifestation of evil You. This is the Pit for crying out loud and You’re ruining it! ) Eh, go ahead, let me have it. This is one of many ways people learn to understand one another, and I can handle a fair amount of cursing and criticism. It’s not my intention to bitch up the thread, but it’s damn hard to explain the other side of the dating game. Singles have a rough go of asking people out and expect extra sympathy because it’s hard to nut up and ask someone out, and I’m saying that being put on the spot and guilt tripped sucks even more. It’s awkward and painful for both people, but the disinterested party doesn’t deserve wrath, guilt, shame, or embarrassment because she/he didn’t give the desired response. Dude’s asking us to make it easier to hit on us, and some of us don’t like being hit on. This turned into a barn burner because most people don’t like it when strangers force us into awkward situations. And it’s awfully hard for me to understand why some men don’t see how offensive it is to dismiss women if the vagina isn’t up for grabs. Do guys really have too many friends? I’ll admit I’m projecting. I’m crazy about strangers and it tickles me to death to make friend at the post office, a few at work, in line for a show…and I don’t feel any need to coerce those people into a reciprocal thing or sour grapes them if they aren’t into me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336.md?page=19) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-attractive-married-women-plz-wear-a-ring/641336.md?page=21)