# Dear Diane
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [November 17, 1999, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308 "1999-11-17T21:15:00Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 4
### Author:  [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)
#### Post date: [November 22, 1999, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/61 "1999-11-22T06:58:00Z")
Uh, Konrad, if you are disreguarding everything we say about you, then why are you reading it and talking to us ?
You know you love us beating your ass on this board. If you didn’t you would just leave well enough alone.
* * *
Ayesha - Lioness
* * *
There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine
(Thomas A. Edison)
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### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [November 21, 1999, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/62 "1999-11-21T19:29:00Z")
Instead of something as expensive as direct neural hookups to the Web, konrad should invest in something less expensive, but producing a similar effect.
Take a length of rope, a pulley, a lever & an old shoe. Hook it up so every time you yank on the rope , the pulley will jerk the lever up, causing the boot to kick your ass.
This accomplishs the same thing (i.e. kicking your sorry ass) on a very economical basis.
Also, the 3 Stooges level of mechanics involved is right up your alley.
Kiss off, junior.
* * *
Is an appreciation of beauty a function of the human soul?
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### Author:  [@Konrad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Konrad)
#### Post date: [November 21, 1999, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/63 "1999-11-21T23:24:00Z")
> [@](#):
>
> You know you love us beating your ass on this board. If you didn’t you would just leave well enough alone.
Well duh. But I would replace ‘beating my ass’ with 'bringing you down down to my juvenile level.
Of course I like this. Flaming is like an art, and you guys couldn’t flame your way out of a paper bag.
You are, beyond any doubt, cretins. That is not the question here.
It is a given that your intellectual capacity is equivalent to a pile of shit. I mean a tit mouse with a frontal lobotomy could outhink you gibbering twits.
_However…_
…
um… er, well actually that’s it.
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### Author:  [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)
#### Post date: [November 22, 1999, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/64 "1999-11-22T10:16:00Z")
OK. My 2 cents.
I didn’t know Konrad very well, so I refrained from posting in this thread. I dind’t really understand why one would attack Diane of all people, but hey, to each his own, I figured.
A couple of days ago, Konrad entered the chatroom where I was already wasting a bit of time with the eloquent likes of BurnMeUp, DrainBeed, MaxTorque, Pricciar, and a few others. He logs on as e^m. Starts making some lame math jokes. Then explains he’s actually Konrad. Is silent for some 15 minutes. Then:
Asks us to say dumb things so he can start making fun of us.
We had no choice but to start calling HIM names a bit, and then ignored him some more. He then left.
Konrad, what’s the deal ? What makes your life so pathetic that flaming and insulting people is the only thing you do on this MB ? Why don’t you try and make a valuable contribution ? I know this is the pit and you can say whatever you want, but this question is more general in nature. Although maybe not the sharpest knife in the drawer, you certainly do not come across as totally ignorant at first. Why not make a bit more of it ?
## Calling names is about the EASIEST thing to do. And the way you do that does NOT constitute a flame. Debating skills should be mixed with sarcasm to do that - namecalling is, well, just namecalling.
Coldfire
* * *
“You know how complex women are”
- Neil Peart, Rush (1993)
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### Author:  [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)
#### Post date: [November 22, 1999, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/65 "1999-11-22T16:51:00Z")
I decided that I wasn’t going to post to this thread anymore because, well. . . . because wrestling with a limp rag gets boring real quick.
But to answer those of you who are wondering why Junior would attack someone as sweet as — a-hem ---- myself, I send you to the following threads.
## [http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum5/HTML/000374.html](http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum5/HTML/000374.html) [http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum5/HTML/000365.html](http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum5/HTML/000365.html) [http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum5/HTML/000198.html](http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum5/HTML/000198.html)
\>^,^\<
KITTEN
Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
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### Author:  [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)
#### Post date: [November 24, 1999, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/66 "1999-11-24T16:09:00Z")
## Diane – Well, I didn’t want to share because it’s like this: If you offered to share a great big slice of chocolate cake with me than I would say sure and dive right in. But, you see, you are offering to share something very similar to the stuff that gets on my shoes after a run through the park in the dark: I work very hard at getting that stuff OFF my shoe and away from me!
Best!
Byz
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### Author:  [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)
#### Post date: [November 24, 1999, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/67 "1999-11-24T16:18:00Z")
## Geee Byz, great friend YOU turned out to be. :::uhmmph:::
\>^,^\<
KITTEN
Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
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### Author:  [@Doobieous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doobieous)
#### Post date: [November 25, 1999, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/68 "1999-11-25T01:20:00Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Asks us to say dumb things so he can start making fun of us.
>
> We had no choice but to start calling HIM names a bit, and then ignored him some more. He then left.
I remember that Coldfire. And I was hoping so much we could give Konrad a kick ban too.
Question Konrad: Why did you come to the chatroom in the first place? Looking for a fight because you were getting bored here?
Oh and I don’t think anyone got your math jokes.
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### Author:  [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)
#### Post date: [November 25, 1999, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/69 "1999-11-25T01:58:00Z")
You are right. Hmmm what can I do to help? I just keep singing that “love is in the air song” and I think it just revs him up.
Should I give him some chocolate cake? Perhaps rectally? Oh, damn, there’s my ass fetish again! I’d twirl him but I don’t want to get that close! 😉
* * *
Best!
Byz
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### Author:  [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)
#### Post date: [November 25, 1999, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/70 "1999-11-25T02:10:00Z")
Boris B wrote:
> [@](#):
>
> What’s a bucther?
I’m not sure, but it sounds like it’s still illegal in some states.
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### Author:  [@SanibelMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanibelMan)
#### Post date: [November 25, 1999, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/71 "1999-11-25T03:30:00Z")
I just noticed that this thread had 69 posts, and wanted to change that so Konrad didn’t get any ideas. You don’t have to thank me, Diane. It’s my job.
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### Author:  [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)
#### Post date: [November 25, 1999, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/72 "1999-11-25T03:49:00Z")
Sorry, I got busy with a life for a few days and couldn’t check back here.
Hmmmm. Konrad is still yowling, yipping and pissing all over the landscape in a futile effort to mark territory and establish dominance. The kid lifts his leg and widdles with the best of them.
Anyone one else getting slightly tired of walking in troll pee?
Veb
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### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [November 25, 1999, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/73 "1999-11-25T17:32:00Z")
Troll pee?
Every time some 13 year old yuppie -spawn gets a new computer, this place is a veritable **Troll Outhouse**.
And Konrad has made it his very own home.
How sweet. The same kind of sweetness that diabetes produces in the oldest test for it.
Hey Konrad–come here & test me for diabetes, you tapeworm.
* * *
Is an appreciation of beauty a function of the human soul?
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### Author:  [@PurpleCrackwhore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleCrackwhore)
#### Post date: [November 26, 1999, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/74 "1999-11-26T16:38:00Z")
I don’t know about you all… but I am still in shock over this not being a popularity contest! WOW! I am at a loss for words…
* * *
“Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good
things.” --Edgar Degas
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### Author:  [@Konrad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Konrad)
#### Post date: [November 27, 1999, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/75 "1999-11-27T21:04:00Z")
Daniel, are you coming on to me?
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### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [November 28, 1999, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/76 "1999-11-28T20:04:00Z")
\ Ah, the pondscum snaps back at his betters!
But can we really blame him, folks?
Even the wino passed out in the phone booth in front of my office, covered in puke; foul with disease; crawling with lice; skin flaking away with body-wide eczema; infested with fleas; fetid in his eternally unwashed state; deep in his hashish dreams; wallowing in his vile depravity (which involves baby wombats & motor oil); stomach runbling from his meal of free-range newborn kittens; & reminescing on his old days as mercenary in the Congo & occasional Satanic cult leader; all the time composing a list of words that end in -gry…
Even that bum is better than, uh, (who were we talking about…oh, yeah, THAT guy) Konrad.
So, maaaybe he’s , you know, like testy. Or not.\ 😃
* * *
Save The Endangered Jackalope! Send Cash Now! If You Do This, I Will Use The Cash To Save Any Jackalope That I Happen To Find! Send Cash Now! Before It’s Too Late! My Bills, I Mean **The Jackalope’s Bills** Are Due The 15th Of The Month!
_This has been a message from the Illuminated Committee To Save The Jackalope. Fnord._
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### Author:  [@Konrad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Konrad)
#### Post date: [November 29, 1999, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/77 "1999-11-29T13:31:00Z")
Daniel, you know what this is saying to me?
It is saying: “Konrad, my font grows turgid and large with mere anticipation, take me now, you stud!”
Unfortunately, I could not even if I wanted to. You see, the bible, except apparently for the gaelic translation, forbids union between man and beast.
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### Author:  [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)
#### Post date: [November 30, 1999, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/78 "1999-11-30T06:20:00Z")
or man and boy 😉
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### Author:  [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)
#### Post date: [November 29, 1999, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/79 "1999-11-29T20:36:00Z")
I promised not to feed the trolls.
I promised not to feed the trolls.
Oh to hell with it, Konrad we all know you don’t do animals, they won’t let you get close enough to them.
## Leave Daniel alone, I know you want him, but he’s MY cyber sweetie, I only share him with Kelli-Belli.
Ayesha - Lioness
* * *
There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine
(Thomas A. Edison)
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### Author:  [@zoony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoony)
#### Post date: [December 2, 1999, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-diane/3308/80 "1999-12-02T19:46:00Z")
Jesus H. Christ, sonny!
The only thing I can’t figure out here is why in the name of the Invisible Pink Unicorn did the Presence-That-Is-You decide to land here and deliver us poor, navel-pondering, lack-wits from our own atavistic pursuits?
Is it perhaps because your “peer” group refuses to have anything to do with you, or rather is it because they - like us - are so far beneath the breadth and depth of your erudition that they have neither the intelligence nor the common decency to recognize your greatness?
What a disappointing world this must be for you.
However, you’re (is that right? my dictionary doesn’t do contractions) going to find as you frown your way through life that there’s very little that will live up to your expectations. It’s just a fact of life.
And until you stop beating your wisdom-swollen head against the wall of reality, no one’s going to go out of their way to make anything easier for you.
Z
* * *
:::gratuitous foray into flirting and the popularity contest:::
Diane, nice pic!
* * *
Sorry, couldn’t help myself.
Z
* * *
_All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand._
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