# Dear God, My Wife Again. This is about IT. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 5, 2016, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912 "2016-12-05T07:29:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/21 "2016-12-05T16:31:55Z")
Dude, how much more information do you need? She lied over and over to you, SHE COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE and you’re asking for help? Face it, my friend. You know what you have to do. Now pull on your big boy pants AND DO IT. Next time she’s going to kill a small child and a young mother and then what will you do? Come here asking for advice? She’s damaged goods. She’s not helping your sobriety. Both of you are parasites to each other. Don’t you think, once you get back on the wagon, you deserve a more symbiotic relationship? Or is this your way of punishing yourself? ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/22 "2016-12-05T16:36:05Z")
I think you’ll find, on review, he has never expressed any desire for sobriety. For either of them. He’s not worried about himself because he’s ‘high functioning’. And he doesn’t need her to quit just be able to get up and go to work hung over. Like he does. I expect that’s why he abandons these threads. Because we are all needlessly obsessed with the alcoholism! ---
**Author:** ![Me\_Billy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e480ec/32.png) [@Me\_Billy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Me_Billy)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/23 "2016-12-05T16:41:05Z")
A partner who is a LIAR is totally unacceptable to me! It will not work if she is not telling you the truth. And counseling will not work either if she is not truthful. How can you resolve problems if you don’t know the true facts? It’s not going to work! ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/24 "2016-12-05T16:48:20Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > What issues are either of you self-medicating for? I’m not sure why you feel this question should be off limits, because it’s really the crux of what’s at issue here. If you both could address _why_ you need to keep drinking always, despite its horrible costs to everyone and everything, then there might be help out there for you as a couple. If not, what’s the point? Because it will always come back down to justifying living in hell just to get your next drink. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/25 "2016-12-05T16:50:54Z")
Don’t beat yourself up. Nobody could’ve seen this coming. ---
**Author:** ![Whiskey\_Dickens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9fc348/32.png) [@Whiskey\_Dickens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whiskey_Dickens)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/26 "2016-12-05T16:54:14Z")
If you love her, the humane response is to do everything in your power to help her. I love my wife. If she had a problem, I would carry her to help if necessary. I would quit my job to be her caretaker. Bullshit like “if you love her, you have to leave her” is a meaningless platitude people repeat to excuse themselves from doing the heavy lifting. If you don’t love your wife, feel free to leave her. Just don’t tell yourself that you’re doing her a favor and somehow helping. I was a much, much more functional version of your wife, but my significant other of 9 years left me partly because I was a mess. Sometime later, I asked her why she left me when I needed help. The response came, “I didn’t want to put that effort in,” - it was clear she didn’t really love me and she made the right choice for her. That’s fine, I moved on. ---
**Author:** ![Lancia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lancia/32/17174_2.png) [@Lancia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lancia)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/27 "2016-12-05T17:03:20Z")
First, I wish you luck. Lots and lots of luck. I also wish and will pray that you actually read what others have written and take it to heart. We are all strangers here; as **MichaelEmouse** said better than I could, it’s time you quit taking offense at the very expert advice that has been given to you repeatedly. You cannot change her behavior. I’ll repeat this: you cannot change her behavior. What you can do—if you really, truly want to—is to help her find help. From my perspective it appears that you entered a marriage of convenience: she moved in with you well before the marriage not because it was something you really _really really_ wanted, but because she had to otherwise she would be homeless. You admitted you weren’t sexually attracted to her yet married her anyway (I understand that there are sexless / platonic marriages, but it doesn’t appear that’s what you had in mind when you tied the knot). And of course there’s booze: you’re both alcoholics and find comfort and solace in drink, and, apparently, use that need as a common ground. There’s some weird co-dependency thing going on that’s not going to even attempt to analyze, other than to say it’s fucking both of you up royally. The end result is that she lies to you and you don’t want her around anymore. Rick, you say you love her. Do you? Do you really and truly love her? Or do you love the idea of being married? Fearful of being alone? These are valid reasons wanting a life partner but not necessarily valid reasons to actually find one if you aren’t ready for the commitment. Frankly, it was apparent long ago to the entire board that you weren’t. The very fact that you have refused the advice given to you, dismissed comments like from posters like **MichaelEmouse** , and by all accounts refuse actual help tells me that no, you don’t want advice. Which is too bad as right now your marriage is disintegrating faster than a dog turd in a downpour. You want to rant, you want to vent, you want to complain. I won’t say that isn’t valid—hell, all of us married folk get pissed off at our spouse from time to time. But your sincerity will be questioned when you repeatedly ignore the advice and suggestions of the people whose opinions you seek. If you want advice, then fucking take it when it’s being offered. Every. Single. Person. on this board who has given you legitimate and sincere advice has basically said the same thing: get help. Get help for yourself and try to get your wife to seek help. What form of help that is I cannot say. Clearly you both need 1) marriage counseling, 2) substance abuse treatment, 3) individual counseling. Because if you don’t then this: > [@bobkitty](#): > > No. > > You have started and abandoned a number of threads about your situation, and in each and every one multiple people have given you solid, easily followed advice, from a personal and professional perspective. Each and every time you have dismissed this help, blasted the people offering it, and absolutely insisted on digging your personal hole to hell deeper and deeper. You are now at a point where YOU have got to help YOURSELF. No one here will tell you anything different than what they’ve been telling you for most of a year now, and I hope that no one will be complicit in your apparent desire to have someone else be responsible for making the decision to end your marriage (because wouldn’t it be ironic that the ONE piece of advice you took would be “yeah, you need to get out of there” because then you wouldn’t REALLY be making the decision, and the fallout couldn’t possibly be blamed on you). > > You and your wife are dysfunctional. Together you’re dangerous, to each other, yourselves, and the general populace. What happened is a whack over the head learning experience, because you ignored every single other red flag that has been placed firmly in your path since you met. You get to decide what you learn from it. Thank god no one had to be seriously injured or killed for you to get to this point. Will apply all the more than it already significantly does. At this point > [@elbows](#): > > This is end game stuff. All that’s left to do is stand by and watch as they self destruct. Is exactly what we, the denizens of this board and, even though you don’t realize it, most likely the people in your life that you interact with (pastor, brothers and sisters at church, family, co-workers, and… well, every single other person that knows you and your wife) are watching unfold. ---
**Author:** ![Snowcarpet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowcarpet/32/257_2.png) [@Snowcarpet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowcarpet)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/28 "2016-12-05T17:16:00Z")
**Rik** , your wife = my ex husband (and why he’s my ex.) Thankfully, he did receive good treatment and is sober and happily married to someone else. None of this shitstorm can improve until you are both sober. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/29 "2016-12-05T17:29:32Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > … after I told the story, I get the impression that Mom and Church would not blame me. Why do you live your life, seeking reassurance from others? You are as bad as your wife, only seeking confirmation from you that you’re not going to leave her. You two clearly aren’t living your lives seeking the best for each other, so there’s really no need for you two to be together. You both live it as single people, so you’d be better off as a single person. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/30 "2016-12-05T18:41:17Z")
Cool story, Bro. Otherwise, this: > [@bobkitty](#): > > No. > > You have started and abandoned a number of threads about your situation, and in each and every one multiple people have given you solid, easily followed advice, from a personal and professional perspective. Each and every time you have dismissed this help, blasted the people offering it, and absolutely insisted on digging your personal hole to hell deeper and deeper. You are now at a point where YOU have got to help YOURSELF. ---
**Author:** ![Waxwinged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Waxwinged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waxwinged)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/31 "2016-12-05T18:45:34Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > What issues are either of you self-medicating for? I was kind of curious, so poked around in the OP’s thread history… here’s half of the answer to your question—\> [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=806512](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=806512) ---
**Author:** ![Azeotrope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/0ea827/32.png) [@Azeotrope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azeotrope)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/32 "2016-12-05T19:25:03Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > No. > > You have started and abandoned a number of threads about your situation, and in each and every one multiple people have given you solid, easily followed advice, from a personal and professional perspective. Each and every time you have dismissed this help, blasted the people offering it, and absolutely insisted on digging your personal hole to hell deeper and deeper. You are now at a point where YOU have got to help YOURSELF. No one here will tell you anything different than what they’ve been telling you for most of a year now… This. YOU rushed into an ill-advised marriage against the advice of a lot of people, both here and in meatspace, with a troubled woman you barely knew because YOU didn’t want to be alone and blew off everyone who tried to offer advice. Listen, if someone steps in dog shit and complains that their shoe is dirty, I’ll sympathize and help them find some paper towels. If someone keeps stepping in dogshit and complaining about dirty shoes, I’ll tell them to start watching where they walk and maybe keep off the grass in the dog park. If someone takes a running jump into a pool of raw sewage and paddles around, past ladders and life preservers every few feet, showing no signs of leaving, and still complaining that their shoes stink, they’re on their own. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/33 "2016-12-05T19:57:10Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > I’ve been here on the SDMB since 2003. Most of you “know” me, more or less. Aside from a few ill-advised topics I’ve posted, I hope most of you see me as an intelligent guy. > > My wife told me that her “friends” think I’m an idiot, and she has gone on about how she told them what a “smart” person I am. Given current events, I suspect that what her “friends” were really implying is that I am naive. And, yeah, I’ll cop to that. It’s certainly possible to be intelligent and naive at the same time. I think that fishing for compliments right now is like standing next to a tyre fire saying “Yes, but aren’t they stacked so neatly?” ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/34 "2016-12-05T20:23:12Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Yeah, here I was, ready to suggest turning it off, then back on again. For **Rik** ’s marriage, the first part of that advice is still good. The second part, not so much. ---
**Author:** ![bucketybuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@bucketybuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bucketybuck)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/35 "2016-12-05T20:25:48Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Yeah, here I was, ready to suggest turning it off, then back on again. From what I hear he was never turned on in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/36 "2016-12-05T20:50:54Z")
> [@Waxwinged](#): > > I was kind of curious, so poked around in the OP’s thread history… here’s half of the answer to your question—\> [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=806512](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=806512) Thank you. I can see why someone would engage in drinking. I’m not saying it’s a good idea to drink but I can see why. Perhaps my reading skills are lacking but I didn’t see what Rik’s issues are (aside from wilful blindness). ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/37 "2016-12-05T22:08:43Z")
It is possible, but very unlikely, that a 50ish year chronic alcoholic is going to change. 99% of the time people at that age who are chronic alcoholics are going to drink until they die, either directly, or because they suffer some debilitating drinking related medical condition. I am not a follower of your threads about your wife but based on this specific OP it really does not sound at this point like you like her all that much or that either of you are helping the other progress in any fashion. You’re two semi-functional alcoholics hanging onto life and a non-homeless existence by your fingertips. You seemed shocked and stunned she did not reveal all the past license issues. She’s effectively a drug addict WTF would you really expect? You might have done the same if you were in her shoes and a well meaning SO was offering you a hand up in your life. Based your apparent unwillingness to take commonsense advice because your heart wants what it wants I’m not sure what any kind of counsel is going to do for you at this point. As a practical matter I would advise you to get over your childish refusal to get another car. Your friends will apparently help to provide you with a driveable car for little to no money. Adults need cars unless they are in a big city with a 24-7 public transportation system. People living on the edge especially need cars if they can get them. Do not let your anger over this accident make you illogical about this. You can’t live like teenager in your 50’s depending on everyone else for rides. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/38 "2016-12-05T23:38:28Z")
> [@Whiskey\_Dickens](#): > > If you love her, the humane response is to do everything in your power to help her. > > I love my wife. If she had a problem, I would carry her to help if necessary. I would quit my job to be her caretaker. > > Bullshit like “if you love her, you have to leave her” is a meaningless platitude people repeat to excuse themselves from doing the heavy lifting. > > If you don’t love your wife, feel free to leave her. Just don’t tell yourself that you’re doing her a favor and somehow helping. > I was a much, much more functional version of your wife, but my significant other of 9 years left me partly because I was a mess. Sometime later, I asked her why she left me when I needed help. The response came, “I didn’t want to put that effort in,” - it was clear she didn’t really love me and she made the right choice for her. That’s fine, I moved on. I take it you haven’t read the history of this relationship? ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2016, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/39 "2016-12-05T23:52:01Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > Cool story, Bro. The fact that \*\*this \*\*poster had only this to say is a hugely important message the OP is probably ignoring b/c it isn’t what he wants to hear (never is when he asks this same question every few months); to put it mildly, \*\*QtM \*\*knows his shit when it comes to substance abuse and where that lands the abusers and their remaining tattered circle of friends and family. If there was a glimmer of hope in this tale, he’d find it and want the OP to see it, too. But if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. We’re all banging our heads against the wall at this point, Mister Rik, why do you keep asking us the same thing if you’re only going to ignore us? Do you think we have a hidden repository of magic that solves the unsolvable, fixes the unfixable if only you ask us a dozenth time? If we did do you think we’d waste on someone who simply chooses to keep doing the easier, wrong thing and not a person willing to make very hard, but right, choices? ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2016, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/40 "2016-12-06T00:13:43Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > The fact that \*\*this \*\*poster had only this to say is a hugely important message the OP is probably ignoring b/c it isn’t what he wants to hear (never is when he asks this same question every few months); to put it mildly, \*\*QtM \*\*knows his shit when it comes to substance abuse and where that lands the abusers and their remaining tattered circle of friends and family. If there was a glimmer of hope in this tale, he’d find it and want the OP to see it, too. One thing I’ve learned is never put more effort into another person’s recovery than they are willing to put into it themselves. Our OP has been given good orderly direction before, and is unwilling or unable to follow it. And while I know his pain, I know also when it’s time for me to detach. But there is hope. More than a glimmer. People do recover from alcoholism and the madness of co-dependence. Families recover. But everyone has to do their own work. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912.md?page=3)