# Dear God, My Wife Again. This is about IT. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 5, 2016, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912 "2016-12-05T07:29:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2016, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/101 "2016-12-07T21:42:07Z")
Did **Rik** ever come back? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2016, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/102 "2016-12-07T21:52:19Z")
> [@Translucent\_Daydream](#): > > Did **Rik** ever come back? As soon as drankin’ got brought up he skee daddled. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2016, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/103 "2016-12-07T22:32:37Z")
Briefly, on page 1, to defend himself for giving her his debit card and let us know he has thinking to do. Of course he’s said the latter several times before and nothing has changed, so I doubt we should hold our collective breath waiting for him to come back. ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2016, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/104 "2016-12-07T22:38:31Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > As soon as drankin’ got brought up he skee daddled. Bummer ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/105 "2016-12-08T00:49:45Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > As soon as drankin’ got brought up he skee daddled. You can’t make someone quit unless they truely want to. Sadly, while **Rik** may call himself a “functional alcoholic”, he doesn’t seem to believe he has a problem. As long as he’s “functional”, he can tell himself he’s not a _real_ alcoholic, you know? ☹ ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/106 "2016-12-08T05:53:28Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > He’s gone to the same church for 20 years and still didn’t want them to know he and his fiancee were cohabiting before marriage. He would never be as honest w/ them as he’d need to be in counseling. He’s been justifying his desire to drink for far too long to make small changes that add up to recovery. Oh, yeah, like they’re the only people there who are doing this. :smack: My very small congregation has several cohabiting couples, one of whom have a child together, and one guy who got married to (and later divorced from) another guy. They’re all welcome. 🆒 I hadn’t realized that Mr. and Mrs. Rik were relative newlyweds; I got the impression that they had been together for some years. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/107 "2016-12-08T09:13:33Z")
So’s y’all know, I haven’t abandoned the thread. A man has to go to work and attend to IRL obligations. Anyway … > [@Guinastasia](#): > > Okay, **Mister Rik** , I have a question: what are you getting out of these threads, exactly? I mean, you’ve started how many topics about your marriage, asking for “advice” and every single time, you abandon them, or offer up excuses. As I said to somebody in a PM, my OPs are me flinging my issues out into the universe. Am I asking for help? Yeah. But sending them out there is largely me just trying to write everything down so that I can try to figure it out myself. If I just play with it in my brain, it turns into some obsession/panic thing and next thing you know I’m lying awake all night because I can’t sleep. But if I write it all out and send it to the universe, it relaxes me and helps me to see everything clearly. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > What is high-alcohol beer? Examples? You mean like malt liquor? I’m not sure how it’s classified. Brand names are “Steel Reserve”, “Stack”, “Hurricane”, etc., and the ABV is over 8%. (Hurricane was the empty can I found in the car) > [@purplehearingaid](#): > > If the OP keep going to work drunk he going to be out a job and on the streets before long then he will blame the whole world expect himself ! I don’t go to work drunk, and even going to work hungover is extremely rare. While admitting that I do have a drinking problem, I do time my drinking to not interfere with my work, as much as I can. I do falter from time to time. > [@Broomstick](#): > > This is not for the OP, because he doesn’t want to hear it. This is for those who may not understand why so many responses are “fix your problems, OP” and “lose the wife”. > > Listen to your sister. Thanks, Broomstick, I read your entire post but didn’t want to quote the whole thing here. And I have listened to my sister (I’ll elaborate below). > [@bucketybuck](#): > > In fairness, if he didn’t stick around for the pity party he’ll hardly stick around for the pile on. Speaking of pile-ons … As I mentioned to another Doper in a PM, I suspect that most posters to threads like this really only see their own posts, and don’t realize that, to the OP (in this case, me), it ends up looking like a whole bunch of people who really aren’t doing anything but telling you how stupid you are. And that is never helpful. > [@Broomstick](#): > > Although if the OP _did_ stick around and listen to the replies maybe, just _maybe_, something useful would sink in… but the odds are against it. Nonetheless, because I’m an optimist I am willing to offer help to anyone _ready_ to hear it and heed it. I’m just not convinced he’s ready. Would love to be wrong on that. Like I said, I’m still here. > [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Am I correct in assuming that there are no children involved? Haven’t seen any reference to them, and I sure hope not. I have no children. My wife has two adult children, aged 31 and 30, and two grandchildren. None of them want anything to do with her (or me - I’m just the latest “stepfather”). > [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > They’re in Washington, a common property state. In a divorce her debts would be joint if incurred during the marriage so I think it’s at least a possibility here (even though she all but stole his car by deception). > > What did she show to get their marriage license aside from a birth certificate? I had to show my driver’s license. I am honestly totally surprised that nothing came up when we applied for the marriage license. We both had to physically go to the courthouse and provide all of the required information and identification … why did no bells go off, considering there was a warrant for her arrest? Given how interconnected everything is now, thanks to the Internet … seriously, nothing went off right there in the county courthouse? They had to wait until she actually committed another crime? > [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > But if he leaves her now, he’ll take away the biggest part of her. Ooo ooo, no, baby please don’t go! > [@digs](#): > > Ooh, that sounds like a dare. Now I’m waiting for Rik to post “Getting divorced, in counseling and going to AA. So there, dopers!” Getting there 🙂 > [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > He’s gone to the same church for 20 years and still didn’t want them to know he and his fiancee were cohabiting before marriage. He would never be as honest w/ them as he’d need to be in counseling. He’s been justifying his desire to drink for far too long to make small changes that add up to recovery. Um, what? My pastor and his wife knew that she’d moved in with me almost as soon as it happened (and they were remarkably non-judgmental). If I implied otherwise in other threads, I apologize. > [@Translucent\_Daydream](#): > > Did **Rik** ever come back? Yes, I’m back. A man has to go to work and attend to other IRL obligations, but I never intended to abandon this thread. So … yeah, I’m gonna dump her. Best case scenario, I get the marriage annulled on the basis of deception, and what I learned this evening can only help with that. I had dinner tonight with my sister and her husband, and learned some things that I haven’t learned from my wife or the local legal system (e.g. nobody in the legal system has told me anything). My sister and brother-in-law have a friend who works at the county jail, and they’ve pumped him for information. My wife’s transport to the other county for her Failure To Appear has nothing to do with an old DUI. Her FTA was on a charge of 2nd Degree Identity Theft. And, suddenly, everything makes sense. When she asked me to bring her purse etc to the jail, I first went through her purse and discovered that she wasn’t just carrying her new “driver’s license” (actually just an ID card). She had, in her purse, ID cards and expired DL’s with four other last names (her maiden name, plus what I assume were the names of her three previous husbands). Not only that, her purse contained one of MY very old ID cards, which it appears she found while digging through one of my drawers, and explains why I found my old social security card lying on the kitchen table (many years ago, I thought I had lost my old SS card; I got a new one, and then much later found my old one … that’s the one she found). Holy fuck. I’m not filing for divorce, I’m filing for an annulment on the grounds that I entered into this marriage via deception. I think she just wanted another “legal” last name. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/108 "2016-12-08T09:24:08Z")
Also, vehicle-wise … My sister and her husband are offering to loan me a nice vehicle, a 2008 something-or-other with AWD. It’s a car they were saving for my 18YO niece, but Katy is not interested in driving, so the car’s just sitting there. They would retain ownership, and I’ll just need to kick them the appropriate share of the insurance. I’ll have use of it until/through next April. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/109 "2016-12-08T09:54:50Z")
> [@Translucent\_Daydream](#): > > Did **Rik** ever come back? The funniest thing, to me, is seeing usernames I have never seen in my 13 years on this board asking questions like that. ---
**Author:** ![MN\_Maenad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e95f7d/32.png) [@MN\_Maenad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MN_Maenad)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/110 "2016-12-08T10:29:22Z")
Identity theft? Ouch. Make sure to check out your credit reports ([annualcreditreport.com](http://annualcreditreport.com) - this is the real one that the FTC web site points you to). You may want to put a freeze on your credit to prevent her from stealing your ID too. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/111 "2016-12-08T10:48:58Z")
Well, fortunately (LOL) I have no credit. I screwed up my credit way back in my 20s, then spent my 30s clearing it up and paying everybody. Then I spent my 40s not using credit at all. Arrived at 50 debt-free. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/112 "2016-12-08T11:02:44Z")
**Rik** , sorry for all the bad shit you’ve been going through lately. I hope you do follow through with getting an annulment from your (hopefully soon-to-be ex-) wife. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/113 "2016-12-08T12:42:50Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > So’s y’all know, I haven’t abandoned the thread. Good to see you back. > [@](#): > > I am honestly totally surprised that nothing came up when we applied for the marriage license. We both had to physically go to the courthouse and provide all of the required information and identification … why did no bells go off, considering there was a warrant for her arrest? Given how interconnected everything is now, thanks to the Internet … seriously, nothing went off right there in the county courthouse? They had to wait until she actually committed another crime? The people recording marriages may not in fact be connected to law enforcement. If whatever ID she showed looked legit they would have no reason to question it. If you have a warrent pretty much you have to have some sort of contact with law enforcement for it to be noticed and enforced. Traffic stops are a pretty common way for that to happen. Or traffic accidents. > [@](#): > > So … yeah, I’m gonna dump her. Best case scenario, I get the marriage annulled on the basis of deception, and what I learned this evening can only help with that. Make sure you follow through on that. > [@](#): > > My sister and brother-in-law have a friend who works at the county jail, and they’ve pumped him for information. > > My wife’s transport to the other county for her Failure To Appear has nothing to do with an old DUI. Her FTA was on a charge of 2nd Degree Identity Theft. Uh-oh… > [@](#): > > I’m not filing for divorce, I’m filing for an annulment on the grounds that I entered into this marriage via deception. I think she just wanted another “legal” last name. > [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > Well, fortunately (LOL) I have no credit. I screwed up my credit way back in my 20s, then spent my 30s clearing it up and paying everybody. Then I spent my 40s not using credit at all. Arrived at 50 debt-free. Doesn’t matter if you use credit or not - you NEED to check your credit. I was alerted to identity theft when bill collectors started calling me demanding payment on loans I had never made in states I had never visited. I got that sorted out, but if she has your name, address, SS#, birth date… well, she can become you. Or sell “you” to someone else. This can cause all sorts of problems for you. Until you can prove that the person(s) who did the Bad Things aren’t you YOU are assumed to be the guilty party. Protect yourself. > [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > Also, vehicle-wise … > > My sister and her husband are offering to loan me a nice vehicle, a 2008 something-or-other with AWD. It’s a car they were saving for my 18YO niece, but Katy is not interested in driving, so the car’s just sitting there. They would retain ownership, and I’ll just need to kick them the appropriate share of the insurance. I’ll have use of it until/through next April. Just make sure the “wife” doesn’t have access. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/114 "2016-12-08T13:06:10Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Just make sure the “wife” doesn’t have access. Heh. I recently went to my bank and added her as somebody who can access my bank account when I die. I’ll be going to reverse that. I’ll also be requesting yet another new debit card (I already changed it a couple months ago after I discovered somebody in Minnesota trying to use the previous number) just in case she somehow memorized the current number. ---
**Author:** ![Waxwinged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Waxwinged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waxwinged)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/115 "2016-12-08T13:53:37Z")
Heh, good on you for finally dealing with the situation. Sounds like it would’ve just led to a worse train wreck if it went on for much longer. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/116 "2016-12-08T14:26:49Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > Also, vehicle-wise … > > My sister and her husband are offering to loan me a nice vehicle, a 2008 something-or-other with AWD. It’s a car they were saving for my 18YO niece, but Katy is not interested in driving, so the car’s just sitting there. They would retain ownership, and I’ll just need to kick them the appropriate share of the insurance. I’ll have use of it until/through next April. To save you all any future headaches, could I recommend you have a written agreement with regards to this, e.g. [http://blog.sabbaticalhomes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/VehicleUse1.pdf](http://blog.sabbaticalhomes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/VehicleUse1.pdf) Best of luck with the annulment. ---
**Author:** ![brainstall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@brainstall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainstall)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/117 "2016-12-08T14:35:00Z")
I’ve been following, but haven’t had much to say that hasn’t already been said by others. I will jump in here now and say I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think the lies and deception and betrayal are starting to sink in. Perhaps she did love you as you loved her, but manipulators and narcissists really only love themselves. When I was around forty, single, and unmarried, I met someone and fell in love and agreed to marry him. (I was feeling like I was fat, forty, and unfuckable) It was very exciting, and we went as far as getting a marriage licence and wedding rings, that I paid for. While we were together, and without my knowledge, he managed to apply for a credit card in my name, which he scooped out of the mail when it arrived. I found out because I just happened to be home when the credit card company called to tell me there had been some activity on the card. It had a $25,000 limit - that I would have been liable for. I was still in love, allowed him to keep the card, but with only a $500 limit. When we called off the wedding, and he moved out, he had statements sent to his new place and promised to pay off the card. Six months later, my line of credit is cancelled and debt collectors are calling me. With fees and other charges, I ended up owing about $900 on the card. Not as bad as it could have been, at least. So check your credit, as advised. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/118 "2016-12-08T14:46:19Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > The funniest thing, to me, is seeing usernames I have never seen in my 13 years on this board asking questions like that. Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he? ---
**Author:** ![Azeotrope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/0ea827/32.png) [@Azeotrope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azeotrope)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/119 "2016-12-08T16:18:00Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Doesn’t matter if you use credit or not - you NEED to check your credit. I was alerted to identity theft when bill collectors started calling me demanding payment on loans I had never made in states I had never visited. I got that sorted out, but if she has your name, address, SS#, birth date… well, she can become you. Or sell “you” to someone else. This can cause all sorts of problems for you. Until you can prove that the person(s) who did the Bad Things aren’t you YOU are assumed to be the guilty party. > > Protect yourself. Right, people steal the identities of babies and dead people, and those two groups aren’t known for credit usage either 😃 It would be a shame, after taking all that time to repair your credit and being able to live debt free, to get your identity stolen and wreck all the effort you put into it. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2016, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912/120 "2016-12-08T16:38:14Z")
Rik, best wishes on your continued life journey. Hopefully you will see some value to this experience down the road and apply it to make yourself better. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-god-my-wife-again-this-is-about-it/773912.md?page=7)