# Dear Mr. Jesus. Please. Let me hurt the children **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 13, 2005, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359 "2005-12-13T03:01:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/1 "2005-12-13T03:01:00Z")
I heard a song today that enraged me. It was worse than “Christmas Shoes,” and that’s saying something. You may listen to it hear: [http://www.dayofthechild.org/dc98/dmj.htm](http://www.dayofthechild.org/dc98/dmj.htm) Or, you may read the lyrics here: [http://www.dayofthechild.org/dc98/lyric.htm](http://www.dayofthechild.org/dc98/lyric.htm) The voice of a small young girl sings a letter she writes to Jesus asking about a child she read about who was beaten by her parents. > [@](#): > > A story 'bout a little girl beaten black and blue > > Jesus, thought I’d take this right to you She, of course, doesn’t understand. Then we have the chorus sung by a bunch of other kids. > [@](#): > > Please don’t let them hurt your children > > We need love and shelter from the storm > > Please don’t let them hurt your children > > Won’t you keep us safe and warm I’m listening as I drive home, and about this time my mood is changing from a happy one. I grip the wheel tightly and press down the accelerator. We get another verse about how this little girl wants Jesus to intervene and stop the beaten girl’s pain and then the chorus again. As the spedometer eases past sixty, I contemplate suddenly turning the wheel and driving straight into a tree. The song is so horrible, so glurgy and blindly manipulative, so horribly bad, that I can’t turn it off. Perhaps if I drive into this tree… The final verse comes through on the radio: > [@](#): > > Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do > > And please don’t tell my daddy > > But my mommy hits me, too. The tears are rolling down my eyes. It’s worse than **Chicken Soup for the Soul**. My car goes on two wheels as I scream recklessly around a corner. The chorus starts up again, and now it sounds like Mchael Bolton has joined the children, riffing righteously. A circuit breaker pops in my head, and I black out and somehow drive home. I come to in the driveway. For the first time in my life, I feel like I want to hurt children. It’s the only way to ever ensure that they will never sing a song like this again. Dear Lord, why? ---
**Author:** ![Uvula\_Donor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e19adc/32.png) [@Uvula\_Donor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uvula_Donor)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/2 "2005-12-13T03:07:34Z")
> [@Scylla](#): > > Dear Lord, why? Jesus hates kids. Says right in the Bible, “Suffer the little children.” ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/3 "2005-12-13T03:08:20Z")
Wow, now that I think about it, beating up children is not as good an idea as I originally thought. Thank you, glurgy song, for your opposing viewpoint. ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/4 "2005-12-13T03:13:41Z")
It was probably just an attempt to provide good Christian balance to Pat Benatar. (I have heard at least three pompous blowhards from places like the Moody Bible Institute rage against the insidious secular nature of Rock and Roll that tries to persuade God fearing children that “Hell is for children.”) ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/5 "2005-12-13T03:16:49Z")
> [@fluiddruid](#): > > Wow, now that I think about it, beating up children is not as good an idea as I originally thought. > > Thank you, glurgy song, for your opposing viewpoint. I for one am sick of these biased songs that only present one side. Sure, anyone can twist the facts to make beating up children _seem_ like a bad idea, but what about the children? Won’t somebody think of the children?? ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/6 "2005-12-13T03:16:58Z")
Jesus beats the little children, All the children in the world, Purple green and black and blue, He sometimes beats them with his shoe, Jesus beats the little children! ---
**Author:** ![Flipstrip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f6c823/32.png) [@Flipstrip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flipstrip)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/7 "2005-12-13T03:29:51Z")
Oh, man, I’d thought I’d escaped this song forever (no such luck). I’ve told this tale before, but many years ago, when I first heard this piece 'o glurge, it was played relentlessly on the local radio stations at the holiday time. (This was around '87 or '88.) One of the local stations had a “Top 8 at 8” and it was number one EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. The next summer I interned at the “Top 8 at 8” station and the DJ’s told me that listening to that made them want to come after Sharon Batts with a bat. I’m sure they’ve since regretted not following up on those impulses. ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/8 "2005-12-13T03:43:15Z")
_“But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.”_ --Matthew 5:39 Jesus may not be the best person to consult about this sort of problem. –And by doing a quick search to make sure my chapter and verse was correct, I have inadvertently been introduced to the teachings of [Walter Wink](http://www.ualberta.ca/~cbidwell/cmb/third.htm), whose interpretation of the Sermon on the Mount is unlike any I have ever encountered before. ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/9 "2005-12-13T04:14:10Z")
Ahhhhhhhhh!!! My radio is playing a song I can’t stand! What do I do?? What do I DOOO??? Make it stop, omigod, make it stooooooop!!! I can’t stand it anymore!! Why can’t radio designers make a way for me to turn it off or change the station or something?? Why??? Curse you, Blaupunkt! Curse your eyes!! Why, if I ever… Wait. What’s this…? _click_ Oh. Nevermind. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/10 "2005-12-13T04:17:49Z")
> [@Q.E.D.](#): > > Wait. What’s this…? > > _click_ > > Oh. Nevermind. Oh yeah, that’s right, bring logic into this… ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/11 "2005-12-13T04:22:45Z")
> [@Mr. Blue Sky](#): > > Oh yeah, that’s right, bring logic into this… Silly me. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/12 "2005-12-13T04:45:24Z")
It’s like something A. Whitney Brown once said on one of his SNL commentaries. He was talking about TV public service announcements that spoke out against things like crack addiction and said, “you’ve got to admire the bravery of these network executives for daring to take on the powerful pro-crack addiction lobby.” ---
**Author:** ![Baldwin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baldwin/32/7264_2.png) [@Baldwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baldwin)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/13 "2005-12-13T05:30:05Z")
So, is the singer asking Jesus to personally open a can of whupass on the bad parents? Or is Jesus just supposed to call the cops? 'Cause you can do that yourself; don’t actually need the Lord for that one. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/14 "2005-12-13T05:38:44Z")
I doubt the song could be worse than [this little number](http://www.showandtellmusic.com/pages/galleries/gallery_l/lilmarkie.html), but I’m not going to risk listening to it to find out. ---
**Author:** ![Mehitabel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@Mehitabel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mehitabel)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/15 "2005-12-13T06:25:28Z")
“Oh God, I really miss Lisa’s cat!!” ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/16 "2005-12-13T07:09:03Z")
> [@Scylla](#): > > I heard a song today that enraged me. Is this the very first time you’ve heard this song? It’s been around almost 20 years. It sure takes long enough for pop culture to get to you guys in Ancient Greece. The first time I heard it I almost stabbed my eyes out with a fork! They keep singing about Jesus and all I can say is JESUS H. CHRIST!!:mad: > [@Tuckerfan](#): > > I doubt the song could be worse than [this little number](http://www.showandtellmusic.com/pages/galleries/gallery_l/lilmarkie.html), but I’m not going to risk listening to it to find out. What the fuck was that?:eek: Can anyone say [John Wayne Gacy](http://www.showandtellmusic.com/pages/galleries/gallery_l/mrbat.html)? I’m gonna have fucking nightmares over that shit! ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/17 "2005-12-13T07:12:23Z")
> [@Q.E.D.](#): > > Ahhhhhhhhh!!! My radio is playing a song I can’t stand! What do I do?? What do I DOOO??? Make it stop, omigod, make it stooooooop!!! I can’t stand it anymore!! Why can’t radio designers make a way for me to turn it off or change the station or something?? Why??? Curse you, Blaupunkt! Curse your eyes!! Why, if I ever… > > Wait. What’s this…? > > _click_ > > Oh. Nevermind. And what makes you think he won’t make use of that option the next time it comes on? I mean, he did have to listen through the song at least once to judge whether he liked it. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/18 "2005-12-13T07:13:26Z")
> [@pkbites](#): > > What the fuck was that?:eek: Can anyone say [John Wayne Gacy](http://www.showandtellmusic.com/pages/galleries/gallery_l/mrbat.html)? I’m gonna have fucking nightmares over that shit! [Leonard Nimoy] My work here is done. [/LN] ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/19 "2005-12-13T08:08:56Z")
> [@Scylla](#): > > The chorus starts up again, and now it sounds like Mchael Bolton has joined the children, riffing righteously. If it cheers you up at all, I initially read that as \*yiffing \* rather than _riffing_. Would have been one hell of a music clip. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bdgr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a87d85/32.png) [@bdgr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bdgr)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/20 "2005-12-13T08:23:39Z")
> [@tomndebb](#): > > It was probably just an attempt to provide good Christian balance to Pat Benatar. > > (I have heard at least three pompous blowhards from places like the Moody Bible Institute rage against the insidious secular nature of Rock and Roll that tries to persuade God fearing children that “Hell is for children.”) Oh dear. Our preacher once told our youth group to get all our friends to come visit our church next sunday because we were having the half brother of Elvis come speak…something Stanley. Apparently this guy was there when they found him dead and stuff. Well, most of the kids get all their friends and we all sat down front and this guy procedes to convince a room full of teenagers that they never want anything to do with any church again. He was on a roll…telling people that they were going to hell for watching soap operas and this or that and he got all wound up and said “you sit there and listen to Pat Benatar sing Hell is For Children, and you’re going to hell”. At that point it was all I could do not to crack up. He pointed to me and said “this guy on the front row here knows what I’m talking about” It was all I could do not to fall out laughing. OUr youth group dropped to about half after that. It started building back up, and then the preacher invited the asshat back again to anounce that when he had spoken to us before, he wasnt _really_ a Christian…he only though he was. But now, he really was one. I think I actually got up and left in the middle of that mess… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359.md?page=2)