# Dear Mr. Jesus. Please. Let me hurt the children **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 13, 2005, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359 "2005-12-13T03:01:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/21 "2005-12-13T08:37:19Z")
The first time I heard this song (years ago), I had a giggling fit the likes of which I hadn’t had since I stopped smoking pot years before. When it got to the “Please don’t tell… mommy beats me too” I honestly think I saw the tunnel of light and felt the silver cord tightening I was laughing so hard. There’s just nothing funnier than failed ultra-seriousness. There is a worse song but unfortunately I don’t know it’s name or the exact lyrics. The “plot” is a little girl whose atheist drunken father kills her mother, then himself, while a stranger holds her behind a sofa. Later in Sunday school she sees the picture of Jesus and tells them “that’s the man who was with me that night”. Such friggin’ glurge, one that begs the question "why does Jesus look like a Western artist’s rendering made many centuries after he lived? Why didn’t Jesus do jack to stop daddy from killing mommy? Why didn’t… anyway, you get the drift. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/22 "2005-12-13T08:53:27Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > I for one am sick of these biased songs that only present one side. Sure, anyone can twist the facts to make beating up children _seem_ like a bad idea, but what about the children? Won’t somebody think of the children?? Holy Christ, I agree with something you say that doesn’t involve me being a prick! :eek: 😃 Has anyone seen these these kids in the hanging pants? Or the one’s driving the “bugfart” cars? Beatings are, sadly, underestimated. As depressing as the song is, I have to say I like the message. Makes ya think. Beats the shit out of _Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer._. On the other hand, anyone that actually lays a hand on a kid, I’d like a home address. You can e-mail me. Humor is great when nobody is in immediate danger. And this is kinda funny taken in the context of the kid being harmed, When it… aw fuck it. I know it happens. E-mail me. That’s a call to all of you. I have some bail money. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![baronsabato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@baronsabato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/baronsabato)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 9:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/23 "2005-12-13T09:44:39Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > There is a worse song but unfortunately I don’t know it’s name or the exact lyrics. The “plot” is a little girl whose atheist drunken father kills her mother, then himself, while a stranger holds her behind a sofa. Later in Sunday school she sees the picture of Jesus and tells them “that’s the man who was with me that night”. Such friggin’ glurge, one that begs the question "why does Jesus look like a Western artist’s rendering made many centuries after he lived? Why didn’t Jesus do jack to stop daddy from killing mommy? Why didn’t… anyway, you get the drift. That’s “[The Little Girl](http://www.snopes.com/glurge/girl.htm)”, by country singer John Michael Montgomery. One of my favorite songs ever. It’s got such wonderful glurgy goodness coupled with a country twang! How can you lose? You can get the lyrics [here](http://www.thelyricarchive.com/lyrics/thelittlegirl.shtml). ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/24 "2005-12-13T11:32:21Z")
> [@Tuckerfan](#): > > I doubt the song could be worse than [this little number](http://www.showandtellmusic.com/pages/galleries/gallery_l/lilmarkie.html), but I’m not going to risk listening to it to find out. Words fail me. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/25 "2005-12-13T12:53:33Z")
To be fair, after listening to the song, I want to hit the little girl too. ---
**Author:** ![zagloba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/977dab/32.png) [@zagloba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zagloba)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/26 "2005-12-13T17:36:23Z")
**Tuckerfan** , I’m really enjoying that site (in a horrified fascination, point and laugh sort of way). Never would have found it if not for this thread. So for me, anyway, your suffering was worthwhile, **Scylla**. ---
**Author:** ![Blackclaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e68b1a/32.png) [@Blackclaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackclaw)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/27 "2005-12-13T18:24:26Z")
> [@fluiddruid](#): > > Wow, now that I think about it, beating up children is not as good an idea as I originally thought. > > Thank you, glurgy song, for your opposing viewpoint. Hey, I’d beat up adults if I could, but they hit back harder. ---
**Author:** ![Plynck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Plynck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plynck)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/28 "2005-12-13T19:33:36Z")
> [@Sam Stone](#): > > Jesus beats the little children, > All the children in the world, > Purple green and black and blue, > He sometimes beats them with his shoe, > Jesus beats the little children! [nitpick]Jesus wore sandals.[/nitpick] ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/29 "2005-12-13T19:45:54Z")
Bow before me all, for I have never heard this song of which you speak. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/30 "2005-12-13T20:31:21Z")
Me neither, **NurseCarmen**. I think we are the lucky ones here. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/31 "2005-12-13T20:37:45Z")
There was a song popular a few years back. A country song about some kid dying. The hook was the line 'Who is going to hold your hand when you cross the streets in Heaven?". Now, I don’t know about you, but in my idea of Heaven, little kids don’t get run over when crossing the street. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/32 "2005-12-13T21:02:06Z")
But does anyone remember the songs “Rocky” by Austin Roberts or “Run Joey Run” by David Geddes where the young woman dies at the end of each song? Pathetic! “Run Joey Run” really made me want to puke. The whiny high pitched voice of Julie sounded more like that of a prepubescent boy than a teenaged girl. Then she gets blown away by her shotgun toating father.:rolleyes: Great music, Dave! ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/33 "2005-12-13T21:13:42Z")
I remember that song from when it first came out, too. My friends and I loved it and thought it was the height of sad, serious, important songs. When I was 9. Now I look back on it and shudder. They still play that song? I thought it was gone forever! I remember taping that song off the radio and putting it on a mix tape. It came right before “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/34 "2005-12-13T21:24:20Z")
It can’t possibly be as bad as that song where Jesus hides behind the couch with a kid watching her parents kill each other. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/35 "2005-12-13T21:43:56Z")
> [@Plynck](#): > > [nitpick]Jesus wore sandals.[/nitpick] Yes, and those straps leave big welts. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/36 "2005-12-13T21:53:42Z")
If you want to get me all sniffly, Tears in Heaven by Clapton will do a much better job than this glurdge. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/37 "2005-12-13T21:54:02Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > It can’t possibly be as bad as that song where Jesus hides behind the couch with a kid watching her parents kill each other. Every time I read that, I can’t help but be reminded of a _Robot Chicken_ sketch with the Tooth Fairy. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/38 "2005-12-13T22:03:50Z")
> [@Sam Stone](#): > > Jesus beats the little children, > All the children in the world, > Purple green and black and blue, > He sometimes beats them with his shoe, > Jesus beats the little children! You may mock it, but I’ll never forget a version of that hymn taught to me by a devout Christian who was a proud member of our armed forces Napalm sticks to little children All the children of the world Orange, yellow, blue and white Screaming torches in the night Napals sticks to all the children of the world. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/39 "2005-12-13T22:07:46Z")
I don’t know if you guys down south would have heard this, but Canadian singer Amy Sky does the glurgiest song I’ve ever heard (repeatedly, on Lite radio) - [“I Will Take Care of You.”](http://www.amysky.com/) It doesn’t have Jesus in it, so it’s not as good as the previously mentioned ones, but it is a sickeningly sweet tear-jerker. I guess you could just add Jesus to it as you sing along. And sometimes you can’t turn the radio off. Sometimes you have co-workers who force you to listen to Lite radio or country music. ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/40 "2005-12-13T22:21:23Z")
I also have never heard this song. That said, **Sam Stone** and **DocCathode** have just confirmed my seat in hell, for I am sitting at my desk sniggering. Especially the “beats them with a shoe” line. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359.md?page=3)