# Dear Mr. Jesus. Please. Let me hurt the children **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 13, 2005, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359 "2005-12-13T03:01:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/41 "2005-12-13T22:43:11Z")
> [@Scylla](#): > > The chorus starts up again, and now it sounds like Mchael Bolton has joined the children, riffing righteously. > [@Bites When Provoked](#): > > If it cheers you up at all, I initially read that as \*yiffing \* rather than _riffing_. > > Would have been one hell of a music clip. 😃 Thank you so much for that mental image. Congratulations: you’ve excavated an entirely new sub-basement level for the Brunching Shuttlecocks’ “Geek Hierarchy Chart:” **People Who Write Glurgy Christmas Music Fanfic about Abused Children Singing to Jesus While Being Vigorously Molested by a Furry Pedophile Michael Bolton.** The Ocelot Kirk Appreciation Society is no doubt eternally grateful to you. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/42 "2005-12-13T22:51:43Z")
> [@Terrifel](#): > > Thank you so much for that mental image. > > Congratulations: you’ve excavated an entirely new sub-basement level for the Brunching Shuttlecocks’ “Geek Hierarchy Chart:” > > **People Who Write Glurgy Christmas Music Fanfic about Abused Children Singing to Jesus While Being Vigorously Molested by a Furry Pedophile Michael Bolton.** I take it I should wait until I get home to Google “yiffing”? ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/43 "2005-12-13T23:10:25Z")
> [@SisterCoyote](#): > > That said, **Sam Stone** and **DocCathode** have just confirmed my seat in hell, for I am sitting at my desk sniggering. Especially the “beats them with a shoe” line. I’ve had it stuck in my head all day, and I don’t mind. It’s hilarious! 😃 Save a seat in hell for me, OK? ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/44 "2005-12-13T23:11:45Z")
> [@Homebrew](#): > > I take it I should wait until I get home to Google “yiffing”? I think so. _De gustibus non est disputandum; caveat Googlor._ ---
**Author:** ![Aholibah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Aholibah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aholibah)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/45 "2005-12-13T23:26:59Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Now, I don’t know about you, but in my idea of Heaven, little kids don’t get run over when crossing the street. Tempting sig line, there. Not sure it works out of context though. ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/46 "2005-12-13T23:35:24Z")
> [@Homebrew](#): > > I take it I should wait until I get home to Google “yiffing”? According to this [site,](http://www.forum2010.org/view_question.asp?questionid=3428) (SFW), “‘Yiffing’ is the act of two furs (that’s anthropomorphic animals, like, say, Bugs Bunny) having an act of sex together.” ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/47 "2005-12-13T23:49:46Z")
_" Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do…"_ To the tune of “Mr. Sandman”: \*Mr. Jesus, please fix my brain The little children are singing again Some loathsome glurge about parental abuse Let’s spank their little butts we have an excuse Mr. Jesus Here at Yuletide From dreadful Xmas songs we just cannot hide So find us some redeeming tune Or we’ll beat the deejays 'till June. dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung\* ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/48 "2005-12-14T02:37:23Z")
[I prefer this children’s Christmas tune](http://home.comcast.net/~cpeek001/nightmare_before_christmas_-_10kidnapthesandy_claws.mp3) (sound file) ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/49 "2005-12-14T02:50:06Z")
> [@duffer](#): > > Holy Christ, I agree with something you say that doesn’t involve me being a prick! :eek: 😃 > > On the other hand, anyone that actually lays a hand on a kid, I’d like a home address. You can e-mail me. > > Humor is great when nobody is in immediate danger. And this is kinda funny taken in the context of the kid being harmed, > > When it… aw fuck it. I know it happens. E-mail me. That’s a call to all of you. I have some bail money. :mad: I have to agree with you and Scylla on this one. The song is a pile of sucky glurge. I can give a great song that captures the feeling perfectly - Happiness Is A Warm Gun 😃 Now for that half brother of Elivs (whatever) I have some great songs for him too. For anyone who says Pat Benatar’s “Hell Is For Children” means an E ticket to hell, the replies are Milly Jackson’s “Fuck You Symphony”, or Alice Cooper’s “You Can Go To Hell”. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Lilacs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Lilacs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilacs)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/50 "2005-12-14T02:54:29Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > _" Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do…"_ > > To the tune of “Mr. Sandman”: > > \*Mr. Jesus, > please fix my brain > The little children are singing again > Some loathsome glurge > about parental abuse > Let’s spank their little butts > we have an excuse > > Mr. Jesus > Here at Yuletide > From dreadful Xmas songs > we just cannot hide > So find us some redeeming tune > Or we’ll beat the deejays 'till June. > > dung dung dung > dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung > dung dung dung dung dung > > dung dung dung dung dung dung dung dung > dung dung dung dung dung\* When I first started reading this, I tried to put it to the tune of “Enter Sandman” by Metallica. The first verse works… ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/51 "2005-12-14T03:12:25Z")
And herein lies the beauty of the iPod. I NEVER have to listen to maudlin dreck such as “Day of the Child” or “Christmas Shoes” or “Butterfly Kisses” or “Don’t Take the Girl.” Hey! Maybe the abused girl will fall in love with the orphan who bought his dying mom some Christmas shoes, and then she can give him butterfly kisses before dying in childbirth and then he can wish that he paid more attention to her in the living years! ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Purl_McKnittington)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/52 "2005-12-14T08:17:31Z")
> [@Terrifel](#): > > I think so. > > _De gustibus non est disputandum; caveat Googlor._ Oh, dear, dear **Terrifel** , may I use your little line of Latin as a sig? It would please me everso. ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/53 "2005-12-14T08:31:41Z")
> [@Terrifel](#): > > Congratulations: you’ve excavated an entirely new sub-basement level for the Brunching Shuttlecocks’ “Geek Hierarchy Chart:” > > **People Who Write Glurgy Christmas Music Fanfic about Abused Children Singing to Jesus While Being Vigorously Molested by a Furry Pedophile Michael Bolton.** I don’t think I’ve ever been so tempted to give myself a sig line before. Thanks! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/54 "2005-12-14T11:32:48Z")
Well, jeepers! Two in a row; I guess I’m on some kind of roll today. A sig-namin’ roll, apparently. **Miss Purl McKnittington** : By all means, feel free to adopt the li’l guy. Just remember that you’ll have to feed it and take care of it; a sig line is a very important responsibility! You’ll also have to walk the line. **Bites When Provoked** : You’re entirely welcome. If at any point you decide to give in to temptation, you have my blessing also. Watch out, though; there’s a powerful social stigma in many areas regarding Michael Bolton fans. Be careful. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Purl_McKnittington)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/55 "2005-12-14T20:08:53Z")
Gracias, **Terrifel**. It shall be well-fed and well-groomed and well-loved. ---
**Author:** ![InappropriateHumor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/eb8c5e/32.png) [@InappropriateHumor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InappropriateHumor)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/56 "2005-12-14T20:28:42Z")
> [@Sam Stone](#): > > Jesus beats the little children, > All the children in the world, > Purple green and black and blue, > He sometimes beats them with his shoe, > Jesus beats the little children! Tee, hee, hee. Just tried to explain to a co-worker why I was sniggering like Snidely Whiplash all alone at my desk…somehow he doesn’t think that Jesus beating little children with his shoe is as amusing as I do. Go figure. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/57 "2005-12-14T20:54:24Z")
> [@bdgr](#): > > Our preacher once told our youth group to get all our friends to come visit our church next sunday because we were having the half brother of Elvis come speak…something Stanley. Apparently this guy was there when they found him dead and stuff. [hijack]Ohmygawd, the Stanley brothers! They were his stepbrothers, not his half brothers; after Gladys died, Vernon married a woman named Dee Stanley, who had thee boys. David, Billy and Ricky. And they were **such** punks; your story doesn’t surprise me a bit. For instance, although David and Ricky were both **at** Graceland when Elvis died, they claim to have witnessed a lot of stuff the rest of the crew says they didn’t. So it was either David or Ricky that you saw, unless Billy’s claiming to have been there too, when he wasn’t. And they’re still using his residual fame; figures.[/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![cowgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@cowgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cowgirl)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/58 "2005-12-14T21:13:21Z")
> [@duffer](#): > > Has anyone seen these these kids in the hanging pants? Or the one’s driving the “bugfart” cars? Beatings are, sadly, underestimated. No, Og help me, I haven’t seen the kids in the hanging pants, or the bugfart cars. But now my curiousity is consuming me. Please share. ---
**Author:** ![Dancy\_McDance\_Dance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@Dancy\_McDance\_Dance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dancy_McDance_Dance)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2005, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/59 "2005-12-17T04:09:38Z")
> [@Tuckerfan](#): > > I doubt the song could be worse than [this little number](http://www.showandtellmusic.com/pages/galleries/gallery_l/lilmarkie.html), but I’m not going to risk listening to it to find out. Oh you really should. It starts out a little slow (the actual diary part sucks) but when the aborted fetus starts signing “Why did you kill me me mommy when God made me special for you I really wanted to met you” is pure gold. [http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/0510/markie/02\_-](http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/0510/markie/02_-)_Lil\_Markie_-\_Diary\_Of\_An\_Unborn\_Child.mp3 Or get the whole 17 track album here: > **[The Secret of Lil' Markie Revealed](https://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2005/10/the_secret_of_l.html)** > > Video: Quicktime file of Large Happy Man holding Lil' Markie captive inside his body. MP3s: 17 Lil' Markie tracks below the jump. Listeners to Kenny G's show or Irwin's old show Incorrect Music may recall the pleadings of a certain... ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2005, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359/60 "2005-12-17T04:16:14Z")
> [@Dancy McDance Dance](#): > > Oh you really should. It starts out a little slow (the actual diary part sucks) but when the aborted fetus starts signing “Why did you kill me me mommy when God made me special for you I really wanted to met you” is pure gold. > > [http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/0510/markie/02\_-](http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/0510/markie/02_-)_Lil\_Markie_-\_Diary\_Of\_An\_Unborn\_Child.mp3 > > Or get the whole 17 track album here: > > [http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2005/10/the\_secret\_of\_l.html](http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2005/10/the_secret_of_l.html) Oh, I’ve heard the Lil’ Markie song, it’s the song in the OP that I haven’t heard (and dont’ intend to). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-mr-jesus-please-let-me-hurt-the-children/335359.md?page=4)