# Dear President, I would like a felony pardon because **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 31, 2025, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057 "2025-05-31T14:32:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2025, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/1 "2025-05-31T14:32:45Z")
…I can give you a lot of money …I can name a building after you (add your own) ---
**Author:** ![Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmer_j.fudd/32/1211_2.png) [@Elmer\_J.Fudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elmer_J.Fudd)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2025, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/2 "2025-05-31T14:35:49Z")
…I am a [choose one] tax fraud, sex offender, insurrectionist, national security threat, etc. just like you. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2025, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/3 "2025-05-31T14:56:00Z")
“Tongue-orifice. Get the picture?” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2025, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/4 "2025-05-31T15:13:04Z")
“It would piss off the Libs.” ---
**Author:** ![Tatterdemalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/43a26b/32.png) [@Tatterdemalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tatterdemalion)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2025, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/5 "2025-05-31T15:55:19Z")
You and me are buds. You remember that party in Moscow, and the 2 blondes on Obama’s hotel bed? Yeah, me neither. If I get a pardon. ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2025, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/6 "2025-05-31T16:20:42Z")
I got pictures of you, Epstein, and Ivanka in fragrant delecto. ---
**Author:** ![Mundane\_Super\_Hero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mundane_super_hero/32/6304_2.png) [@Mundane\_Super\_Hero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mundane_Super_Hero)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2025, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/7 "2025-05-31T17:10:09Z")
President, I would like a felony pardon because I said out loud what I really think of you. While eating a Taco. A taco from a Taco food truck that I rented. One that was serving free Tacos and was parked across the street from The White House. The one that had artwork on top of you tonguing in Putin’s bung hole. While Kreepy Karoline tongued yours. While Marge Three Toes tongued hers. While Elon tongued Katie Miller’s. While Stephen Miller cried in a rubber ‘gimp suit’. It was the truck with all of the food and drink specials… like The Vance Couch’ box of fries. The 2oz Marco Rubio water bottle. The Kennedy Road Kill served on a bun. The ‘Drunk Bitch Pete Hegseth’ which is a Big Gulp Margarita with leaks. The one that for a limited time could be sold with the Watters open mouth penis warmer. The Judge Winebox wine box and the Sean “Diddy” Combs “Pardon Me” soda can covers. [![](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61vKBIaBk4L._AC_SL1500_.jpg) ](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/61vKBIaBk4L._AC_SL1500_.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Andy\_L](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c67d28/32.png) [@Andy\_L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andy_L)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2025, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/8 "2025-05-31T17:11:29Z")
> [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](#): > > fragrant Ew… ---
**Author:** ![StringsandHammers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stringsandhammers/32/17933_2.png) [@StringsandHammers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StringsandHammers)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2025, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/9 "2025-05-31T17:19:53Z")
Vladmir Putin said that if you pardon me it will make him very angry and he will have no choice than to end the war in Ukraine… As you already know that guy never lies so I’d believe him. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2025, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/10 "2025-06-01T17:33:05Z")
It will keep your name in the headlines, and thereby relevant, increasing your political capital. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2025, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/11 "2025-06-01T22:21:03Z")
…because I’m the worst person in the world, and you love that about me. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2025, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/12 "2025-06-01T22:32:13Z")
…because I’m a rich white man and therefore I should not have to face the consequences of my actions. ---
**Author:** ![Buck\_Godot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/buck_godot/32/6573_2.png) [@Buck\_Godot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_Godot)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2025, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/13 "2025-06-04T04:23:28Z")
… because I know too much. ---
**Author:** ![Toxgoddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Toxgoddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toxgoddess)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2025, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-president-i-would-like-a-felony-pardon-because/1019057/14 "2025-06-04T18:47:47Z")
Because I am a hot twenty-something blonde bimbo\* who would love you to grab me by the ladyparts. \*as far as you know