# Dear Santa
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [December 9, 2002, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490 "2002-12-09T11:36:55Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/1 "2002-12-09T11:36:55Z")
Dear Santa,
How are you? Is your cholesterol doing OK? How’s the wife? The reindeer, are they in good shape? I hope so.
I may be getting old, but this year, Santa, I don’t want anything for Christmas. Not anything you can fit in your sack anyway. What I’d really like this year is World Peace. Not that I’m going to actually ask for World Peace though. If I were to ask for World Peace, you could go all “Monkey Paw” on me and call in an asteroid strike and take out everyone. That sure would be a peaceful world. There wouldn’t be anything left to be fractious with anything else. World Peace by definition.
Not that you have a reputation as a “Monkey Paw” in any way. I’m just saying you could. I mean, you’ve been doing the same job for a thousand years or so. If that doesn’t get to you, I don’t know what would. And I wouldn’t want my letter to be the one that pushes you over the edge and makes you go “Monkey Paw”. So I’m not going to ask for World Peace.
I would like everyone to be happy though. It’s not quite World Peace, but everyone being happy would be a far sight more peaceful than what we have going now. If everyone was happy, they had a job they were really enthusiastic about, a nice house , plenty to eat, nice people around them, that sort of thing, they’d be much less likely to be all buttly towards others. As far as I could see anyway.
I realize this isn’t something you could stick in a box and wrap with pretty paper. You could if you were a giant pharmaceutical conglomerate, but that’s not really your style, so I don’t see it going down that way. You could have a high powered Elvish Fact Finding Committee for the Implementation of Everybody Getting Happy. This might work, but it would take some time. And the elves would pretty much have to be pulled off the toy line. So if it helps, I’ll forego all my usual gifts indefinitely as long as the EFFCIEGH is in effect. No problems here Big Guy.
Seeing how this is a pretty big operation even for you, you might have to wait until after this Holiday Season to get it all in gear. That’s fine by me. Far be it from me to tell you how to run your organization. You do a great job up there at the North Pole. No complaints from me at all. You’re doing a bang up job. I just wanted you to know that.
But if you can’t get on the whole Making Everyone Happy thing this year, could I get the new Terry Pratchett book? That would be swell.
Thanks.
Yer pal,
Rue.
---
### Author:  [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/2 "2002-12-09T12:16:34Z")
Dear Santa,
For Christmas this year, I want Youthfull Idealism and Innocence. I’m tired of being an adult.
VunderBob
---
### Author:  [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/3 "2002-12-09T12:16:45Z")
Neutralise Al Qaeda, make air travel safe and fun again, and umm… I’d like a train set and a new bike. Cheers Santa, mate. I owe you a beer.
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### Author:  [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/4 "2002-12-09T12:23:08Z")
Dear Santa,
Please bring my husband a job he doesn’t hate with a company that isn’t on the verge of bankruptcy. Also, my daughter would like a boyfriend who isn’t insecure and clingy - you got any teenagers with a reasonable amount of self-confidence and intelligence?
As for me, lower blood pressure would be nice. Or a hot tub. That world peace thing would be OK too.
Sincerely,
FCM
PS - **Rue** is a good egg - I’d give up my hot tub if that would stop the “Monkey Paw” thing.
---
### Author:  [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/5 "2002-12-09T12:49:06Z")
Dear Santa –
I’m doing pretty well on the home and job front, and if you had anything to do with the cutie pie I’m dating showing up in my life – thanks. So overall I’m good – go ahead and put me on the hold list with Rue while you get the EFFCIEGH thing together.
Thanks.
Regards to the missus –
Twick
---
### Author:  [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/6 "2002-12-09T12:52:48Z")
I bet if Santa did go all monkey paw, it would be Piotr’s paw. He’s so sneaky.
I hope you get what you want for christmas. I will try not to be buttly to other people so I am contributing a little bit to your wish.
For christmas I would like a big bucket of self-confidence and a ladle, so I could pour it on people’s heads.
And the _Dear Francesca_ cookbook.
---
### Author:  [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/7 "2002-12-09T12:59:20Z")
Dear Rue:
I’m fine, cholesterol is down again, but I’m suffering a little bit of tennis elbow. Mrs. Claus is okay, though baking sugar-free cookies this year - diabetes. The reindeer are fine, and thank you for asking. The elves, however, are a little miffed at being forgotten this year.
As for your list, that making everyone happy thingy is a big order. According to my calculations, you’d have to be _extremely_ good for roughly six thousand years in order to get that gift. Not just good, but Grrreat! as my buddy Tony would say.
Since we both know about this year you may have to wait until next year to start being Grrreat! and starting on the road to world happiness.
However, being the kindly old elf that I am, I’ll be happy to deliver a little [World Peace](http://cyberthings.com/shalom/buy.html) your way. No problem. It’s actually easier to get that than the new Terry Pratchett book. Barnes and Noble North Pole has some serious stocking and ordering issues ever since the Easter Bunny took over as manager during his off season.
It’s all about the eggs and chocolate to him. Do you have any idea how many egg cookbooks there are out there? Not that he cares. After all, he doesn’t even _eat_ eggs. Just hard-boils and paints them. You’d think he’d offer up a little variety, especially with my high cholesterol, but noooo. He just brings up that [special gift](http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1792170691) Mrs. Claus and I sent him last year.
Anyway, you’d think I have all day to write letters! I don’t. There’s still a ton to do. The elves are moaning about some problem on the assembly line, and Prancer refuses to get his massage because he thinks the masseuse is too rough. Prima Donna Extrordinaire that one.
And for future reference:
I _know_ I’m doing a bang-up job.
I _know_ I do a great job in general.
Ass-kissing is unseemly, especially when you dis the elves. They’re people too, you know.
Yours,
Santa
---
### Author:  [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/8 "2002-12-09T13:07:29Z")
Dear Santa,
It’s been a kinda rough year in swampbearland, what with my brother dying, my father finally (after 3 years of my saying so) diagnosed with alzheimer’s, the breakup of a 13 year relationship, but some good stuff happened to balance it out so I’m cool with stuff right now. The new bf, if you did have anything to do with it, not sure if you do much giving stuff in your “off season”, was a really nice touch. He’s the best gift I coulda wished for so put me on the no gifts list too.
Oh, and thanks for the SDMB, it’s loads of fun. I’m with **Rue** on the EFFCIEGH thing. That might be the best thing the world could get right now.
P.S. Please give all my good doper friends the stuff they wish for. Tho, I really don’t understand why **Francesca** wants a cookbook named after her. 😃
---
### Author:  [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/9 "2002-12-09T13:57:25Z")
Dear Santa,
Please don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but this year I really don’t need anything (unless, of course, you can magically make Everquest work on my computer again, that is… if you can, then by all means, go to it!).
If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, please give all the stuff you had set aside for me to someone who really needs it. I’m almost obscenely content and need-less right now… Don’t misunderstand me, please, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the thought!
However, do you work after Dec. 25th at all? I’m gonna need a job sometime in January or February… anything you can do about that?
Thanks!
Astroboy
P.S.: Stop by my house anyway, I’ll leave a bottle of tequila and some chili out for you! I’m sure you are getting sick of milk and cookies… don’t touch the chwi-po, though… that’s **Astrogirl** ’s!
---
### Author:  [@Skerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skerri)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/10 "2002-12-09T14:04:51Z")
Dear Santa,
Hi. It’s been a long time since I wrote you a letter, so I hope I’m not on “The List”. You know, the one with kids who get coal in their stockings, or worse yet, switches!
Anyways, I too want to thank you for any part you may have played in me getting dumped this year. If I hadn’t been dumped, I wouldn’t have ended up with **Rebound Guy** , and he’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.
All I want for Christmas is for everyone to have 5 minutes to enjoy what they have. This is such a busy season (you would know more than most) and I think we all get a little lost in shopping or working or worrying about things. So I just want 5 minutes. That’s long enough to reflect on the good things we do have, and it would kinda go along with **Rue’s** wish.
If you can’t do that, I really want a nice copy of Edgar Allan Poe’s works. Nothing too fancy, doesn’t have to be leatherbound or anything. Or a bike. Your pick. 😃
Skerri
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### Author:  [@Booker57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Booker57)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/11 "2002-12-09T14:33:18Z")
Dear Santa,
If you could give me a glimpse of the lists my friends have sent you, it would make my holidays less stressful.
Thats it, thanks.
Booker57
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### Author:  [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/12 "2002-12-09T15:00:18Z")
Dear Santa,
The elves know how I feel about them. We’ve talked. Hi to Gingy. Don’t tell Dave.
About me being extremely good for six thousand years… how’s about we get six thousand people to be super-extremely good for just one year? Or a year and a half if that helps.
Just checking the fine print.
Yer pal,
(even after the “ass-kissing” crack, you old joker.)
Rue.
---
### Author:  [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/13 "2002-12-09T15:01:54Z")
P.S. I think when **Francesca** asked for “a big bucket of self-confidence” I think she meant a big bucket of reindeer snot. That would be funnier.
She really does want the book though.
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### Author:  [@Tir\_Tinuviel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tir_Tinuviel)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/14 "2002-12-09T16:28:41Z")
Dear Santa,
Please keep my man safe for me until I can do it myself, and please make that some time soon.
(I apreciate this is a kinda ongoing prezzie, I was hoping you wouldn’t mind seeing as I’m not really asking for anything else?)
Thank you!
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### Author:  [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)
#### Post date: [December 9, 2002, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/15 "2002-12-09T16:44:42Z")
Dear Santa,
I think I mentioned this in a previous thread, but I’ll remind you, in case you forgot: I’d really REALLY like a new job. A fun one. With decent pay, a comprehensive benefits package, and a room full of kittens to play with when I get bored. Please?
Although I do desperately want the New Fun Kitten Job, Santa, I would be willing to forego it, so you could work on the making-everybody-happy-thing that **Rue** mentioned. 'Cause then, I guess I’d be happy, even WITH my lousy job… Oh, my, I’m starting to get a little confused.
Happy Holidays!
Love, Kn\*ckers
P.S.: If you get a chance, I’d also be tickled pink to find Mr. Right in my stocking on Christmas morning!.. Or maybe I’d just be startled and alarmed. I guess you should hold off on that one, while I think about it.
---
### Author:  [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)
#### Post date: [December 10, 2002, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/16 "2002-12-10T01:14:03Z")
Just so **Santa** is clear on this **Kn\*ckers** , do you or don’t you want **Mr. Right** to be a cross dresser? In stockings or not?
**Santa** ’s pretty old and he gets confused easily.
(I kid **Santa**. I joke.)
-Rue. (just likes en **bold** enating today)
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### Author:  [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)
#### Post date: [December 10, 2002, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/17 "2002-12-10T01:32:22Z")
You called me Francesca. I am frightened and confused.
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### Author:  [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)
#### Post date: [December 10, 2002, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/18 "2002-12-10T01:42:35Z")
It’s OK **Puddin’**. That was just for Santa. (Maybe he DOESN’T Dope. You never know.)
**Puddin’** , **Puddin’** , **Puddin’**.
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### Author:  [@Blackeyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackeyes)
#### Post date: [December 10, 2002, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/19 "2002-12-10T02:12:42Z")
Dear Santa,
There’s not much I want, really. I’m past the materialist state of development so I’m not interested in that old stuff anymore, but I’m now a clueless Romantic. A fair trade, I guess. So what I want most out of the whole wide world is my Someone. You know what I mean. Hopefully you know just who I mean. Oh, and put in my vote for **Uncle Rue** ’s EFFCIEGH thing.
---
### Author:  [@Jessity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jessity)
#### Post date: [December 10, 2002, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dear-santa/141490/20 "2002-12-10T02:27:26Z")
Dear Santa,
I’ve been pretty good this year. All I really want for Christmas is a big teddy bear to cuddle with. I thought about asking for a ‘Someone’, but you have to feed those, I heard. Also, I think they leave dirty socks around the house. I’d like some tranquilizers for my cat so she doesn’t behave like such a psycho, and some warm socks. Oh, and bubble bath. Lots and lots of bubble bath.
Jessica
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