# Death by Ballad! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 30, 2002, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466 "2002-07-30T01:18:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/1 "2002-07-30T01:18:54Z")
A friend of mine observed a tragic muscial phenomenon he has dubbed “Night Ranger Syndrome”. The idea is this: A decent rock band releases a ballad one day. It becomes a hit. The band then releases a slew of sappy ass ballads thus destroying any real rock cred the band had. After discussing this idea, my friends and I came up with the following tragic examples: **Aerosmith** : Goodbye hormonal party stomp of _Rag Doll_ and _Walk This way_, hello _I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing_. I think the overproduced song from the damn Mayor of Truckville commercials is an attempt to come back from the pit, but they have a long way to go. There’s an entire generation of kids who think of them as a nonthreatening pop rock ballad band. **Red Hot Chili Peppers** : OK, _Under The Bridge_ was sappy, but it was off of the overall high-quality _Blood Sugar Sex Magik_ so I’ll let it slide. But everything they’ve released from _Soul To Squeeze_ on to me is punkless and funkless. And their funk-punk made them a kick-ass and innovative band. **Goo Goo Dolls** : I’ve never been a huge fan of them. But their song released off of the _Twister_ soundtrack _Long Way Down_ is actually a pretty good charging rock ditty. Then came the “I don’t want the world to see me or tell your name” crap that made them way too chicky. Even their relatively upbeat song _Slide_ falls way short. Here’s an axiom: No true rockstar ever sings about wanting to get married. **Dave Matthews Band** : Mostly I’m throwing this is because it’ll piss off the Normals. 😃 Again, I’m not really a fan of their crunchy, earthy, Hootie-with-a-fiddle sound, but _What Would You Say_ was a ballsy hit and it’s a good party song. Their latest releases on the other hand seem to suggest that they recorded their last few singles (from the overrated _Crash_ to that current “I Am No Superman” song) right next to a nursery and they are doing their best not to wake the baby. **Bangles** : Buy _All Over The Place_ now. This, their first LP, kicks ass. The beatlesque harmonies and riffs reminiscent of good sixties rock (or so I’m told 😉 ) make it a solid album. They make a second album and ruin it all not with the landmark _Walk like an Egyptian_ but with the _Manic Monday_, a song written by an obviously c—struck Prince. _In Your Room_ off of the third album helped somewhat, but _Eternal Flame_ went and squashed any and all progress. It ruined the legacy of an underrated and IMHO influential rock band. Care to add to the list or dispute it thus far? ---
**Author:** ![Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c67d28/32.png) [@Weird\_AL\_Einstein](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weird_AL_Einstein)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/2 "2002-07-30T03:43:13Z")
I kinda liked “Manic Monday”. But I agree that “Eternal Flame” was…sub-par. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/3 "2002-07-30T13:21:06Z")
Styx got sucked into the power ballad black hole. As did the Journey (who sucked ass anyway) I agree with the theory that bands get destroyed by the ballad. It seems that the ballad on the each album gets put out as the single. Then when the concert came you get stuck with them ‘having’ to do ten power ballads in the show. Jeez if I want that I’ll go to a Manillow concert. ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/4 "2002-07-30T13:25:35Z")
Well, I never really liked him anyway, but would **Bryan Adams** count? ---
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/5 "2002-07-30T13:42:30Z")
Those power ballads are what did in the whole hair metal/pop metal genre back in the 80s. The ballad broke them into the mainstream, but killed them with whatever loyal metal following they had. Whitesnake: _Is This Love?_ This from the same band who once did _Slide It In_ and _Still Of The Night_? Poison: _Every Rose Has Its Thorn_. They were always a stupid band but at least they were trying to act raunchy early on with _Talk Dirty To Me_ and _I Want Action_. Warrent: _Heaven_. Same situation as Poison. Cinderella: _Don’t Know What You Got ('Til It’s Gone)_. I never could take them serious after this one. Rainbow: _On The Street On Dreams_. Not quite as bad, but quite a come down from _Man On The Silver Mountain_ and _Since You Been Gone_. ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/6 "2002-07-30T13:44:57Z")
Heart? ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/7 "2002-07-30T14:48:57Z")
Hoo yeah, **Bryan Adams** counts. Mind you, this guy used to make decent ballads, IMHO. _Everything I do_ is a carefully crafted gem. But when he released the single _Have you ever really loved a woman?_, I knew that the only place I’d ever see him again was in either on a Cosmopolitan cover (talking about his sensitive side, no doubt), or at a carwash in British Columbia or something. Well, OK, so he still sells records. But they all suck. I’ll admit to sort of liking that tune he did with that one Spice Girl, but that’s it. In a somewhat ballad-related vein, I’ll nominate **Metallica**. Any metal band that releases an album of completely overproduced classic orchestrations of their greatest hits, only to follow it up with an album of covers nobody was waiting for, shall suck forevermore. Exit, sandman. ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/8 "2002-07-30T22:29:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Alphagene \* > \*\ ***Aerosmith** : Goodbye hormonal party stomp of _Rag Doll_ and _Walk This way_, hello _I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing_. I think the overproduced song from the damn Mayor of Truckville commercials is an attempt to come back from the pit, but they have a long way to go. There’s an entire generation of kids who think of them as a nonthreatening pop rock ballad band. > > or dispute it thus far? \*\* Oh my yes. First off, the Dave Matthews song is titled **Crash Into Me** not **Crash**. As for your Aerosmith arguement, how convienient that you decline to mention the single/song that got them onto the big-time stage------- **Dream On** , which is, surprise, a ballad!!! What a shock! Why wouldn’t you mention it? Perhaps because it makes your entire premise invalid? Perhaps. You are making this “arguement” without considering the most important part of it, which is sex, or specifically, the fact that rock stars like to fuck women. (For the sake of this I’m saying that all rock stars are men, though that is far from true.) Now, what do you think is going to draw more attractive females who want to suck the lead singer/lead guitarists/drummers cock to tactually go see the band in concert: A) A 5 minute long song where the vocals are screeched and unintelligible, the guitars sound like 5 cats having a gangbang, the bass physically forces you back 2 feet the drums rattle around in your head and the lyrics are about cutting someone to bits with a chainsaw or like minded material or B) a semi-plaintive ballad with either an acoustic guitar or an underplayed electric, lyrics that are understandable and run something along the lines of “I lost you/your love/my way, but if we get back together/stay together/find our way, then everything will be alright.” If you say that the answer is A, you are more closeminded then I thought, which is to your detriment, not mine.😉 ---
**Author:** ![Treviathan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@Treviathan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treviathan)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/9 "2002-07-30T22:54:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Alphagene \* > > **Dave Matthews Band** : . . . Their latest releases on the other hand seem to suggest that they recorded their last few singles (from the overrated _Crash_ to that current “I Am No Superman” song) right next to a nursery and they are doing their best not to wake the baby. “Normal” chiming in here… For the record, “Crash Into Me” was off of their 1996 album, _Crash_, and the current single “Where Are You Going” is off of their 2002 release. So there’s a six-year separation between the two, during which they’ve released one other definite ballad (“The Space Between”), the upbeat funky tracks “Stay” and “I Did It,” the seething “Don’t Drink the Water,” and the acoustic “Everyday,” which I don’t think would be classified as a typical rock ballad, simply because of the presence of African folk singers. Admittedly, which ones have I heard on my local radio station? “Crash Into Me,” “Space Between,” and “Where Are You Going.” My theory is that office workers across the nation would suddenly go into a raging chaotic frenzy if they ever heard a song with an actual pulse, and benevolent radio programmers are just doing their best to prevent this from ever happening. ---
**Author:** ![jools](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b3f665/32.png) [@jools](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jools)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2002, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/10 "2002-07-30T23:58:54Z")
I would like to nominate Scorpions… they were really good in the late 70’s early 80’s then this did this ballad (of which i can’t even remember the title) and we never heard the stuff they did before again… Yes they did do ballads before but they were still known for their “heavy metal” stuff… Too bad!!! ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/11 "2002-07-31T01:20:46Z")
Hey, I LIKED “Eternal Flame”, okay. I still like it-although I agree “In Your Room” was better. ---
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/12 "2002-07-31T02:54:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by WSLer \* > **First off, the Dave Matthews song is titled Crash Into Me not Crash.** And the Goo Goo Dolls have never actually released a song called _I don’t want the world to see me or tell your name_. I’m trying to make a point here, people, not provide an authoritative catalogue of modern rock! 😃 > [@](#): > > \*\*You are making this “arguement” without considering the most important part of it, which is sex, or specifically, the fact that rock stars like to fuck women. \*\* Yeah, that explains the Bangles releasing Eternal Flame. Susanna Hoffs wanted to get sucked off. Talk about invalidating a premise! And somehow I doubt the members of Aerosmith had a paucity of sex when _Pump_ was released. And early RCHP? Everything was sex. The whole premise is bands that are _already big time_ make with the ballad fountain. And bands that are already big time need not resort to singing sap to get laid. Cripes, just strumming an acousic guitar in a small club is an aphrodisiac for some women… Besides, the motivation behind the ballads is irrelevant. The fact that is many a band’s downfall is the point. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Treviathan \* > **My theory is that office workers across the nation would suddenly go into a raging chaotic frenzy if they ever heard a song with an actual pulse, and benevolent radio programmers are just doing their best to prevent this from ever happening.** Good point. Since DMB is most likely to be played on your soft rock stations and eschewed by your payola-driven-System-of-a-Down-six-times-an-hour rock stations, you’re more likely to hear their more barbiturate hits. ---
**Author:** ![gex\_gex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/94ad74/32.png) [@gex\_gex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gex_gex)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/13 "2002-07-31T14:55:46Z")
**WSLer** : unsurprisingly, you seem to be a bit confused. > [@](#): > > As for your Aerosmith arguement, how convienient that you decline to mention the single/song that got them onto the big-time stage-------Dream On, which is, surprise, a ballad!!! > > What a shock! Why wouldn’t you mention it? Perhaps because it makes your entire premise invalid? How does this make his premise invalid? Doesn’t your example support it? In fact, your entire post is a mixture of bizarre logic and daft stereotype. Rock stars “like to fuck women”? My god! So does your average heterosexual office worker. So what? For every hormonally charged Mick Jagger or Gene Simmons, there’s a libidously average Eddie Vedder or Elvis Costello, who, while I’m sure do enjoy sex as much as the rest of us, could hardly compare to the uncontrollable sex fiend you seem to view the average rock star as being. Not to mention the portion that would prefer men… And once we’ve examined your ridiculous “evidence” that _so brilliantly destroys_ **Alphagene** ’s observation, we then arrive at your next ridiculous stereotype: **Women Only Like Wailing Sappy Ballads!!!** Put them Riot Grrls and punk rock chicks away. Never mind those girls who’d rather rock out with their proverbial cock out than listen to one more Celine Dion tune, WSLer has decreed that the ladies shall only listen to sappy soft rock (and then proceed to such rock star cock as a result)! Ladies, I must ask you to step away from the grunge section. Do not fear, your boyfriends have been called and will arrive with your Bon Jovi CDs shortly. I know you have some issues with “punks” who do not pray at the altar of the Top 40, but perhaps you should halt the torrent of cliche and insult just because someone may like music that deviates from your personal favourites. I mean, damn, I like the RHCPs later stuff, and I’m not making posts belittling **Alphagene** ’s comments. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/14 "2002-07-31T16:44:13Z")
I always lamented how Chicago turned into Air Supply. I am old. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/15 "2002-07-31T17:11:23Z")
> [@](#): > > You are making this “arguement” without considering the most important part of it, which is sex, or specifically, the fact that rock stars like to fuck women. (For the sake of this I’m saying that all rock stars are men, though that is far from true.) Of course Joan Jett and some other women rockers aren’t men but want to fuck women. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/16 "2002-07-31T17:57:36Z")
alternate thread title: **Killing Themselves Softly** ---
**Author:** ![athene1765](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/67e7ee/32.png) [@athene1765](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athene1765)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2002, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-by-ballad/121466/17 "2002-08-03T18:51:13Z")
Wayell, as a woman female person, I listen to punk and goth and industrial and 70s folk and show tunes and soft rock and hard rock and medium rock and metal and anything by trad… However, the sort of girl that will sleep with a rock star just 'cuz he’s a rock star may just also be the sort of girl that goes all swoony over that rock star being Very Sensitive and Sad and Misunderstood. Waah. My dear sweetheart thus far has no problems with his masculinity; he is neither an overwhelming testosteroney dick nor a simpering pathetic weepy wussie. I don’t like drama queens that come from _either_ direction. But that’s me, and I’m not the sort of girl who’d sleep with a sweaty guy with greasy hair just because he whines or shouts on a big stage. There ARE girls that do, though, and they are pretty likely to enjoy weepy ballads.