# Death matches - the Simpsons vs. the Hills **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 10, 2005, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514 "2005-08-10T21:54:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/1 "2005-08-10T21:54:40Z")
Who’d win the following fights? Homer Simpson vs. Hank Hill? Marge Simpson vs. Peggy Hill? Lisa Simpson vs. Luanne Platter? Milhouse Van Houten vs. Bobby Hill? (Let’s face it, no _way_ could Bobby take on Bart.) Barney Gimble vs. Bill (the military barbar - does he have a last name?) the one-armed mercenary of Springfield vs. Dale Gribble? Karl & Lenny vs. Boomhauer & John Redcorn? ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/2 "2005-08-10T22:01:26Z")
> [@Art Vandelay](#): > > Who’d win the following fights? > > Homer Simpson vs. Hank Hill? Homer. He fights dirty and if all else fails he’ll fake an injury and then stomp Hank in the back. > [@](#): > > Art]Marge Simpson vs. Peggy Hill? Peggy. She’s got all that roller derby training. > [@Art](#): > > Lisa Simpson vs. Luanne Platter? Luanne. Mean trailer trash vs a Buddhist pacifist? No contest. > [@Art](#): > > Milhouse Van Houten vs. Bobby Hill? (Let’s face it, no _way_ could Bobby take on Bart.) Bobby would call upon his self-defense training. “That’s mah purse! Ah don’t know you!” > [@Art](#): > > Barney Gimble vs. Bill (the military barbar - does he have a last name?) Bill’s last name is pronounced Doh-TREEV but I don’t know the spelling. Barney’s last name is Gumbel, not Gimble. And it’s “barber.” This is a draw. > [@Art](#): > > the one-armed mercenary of Springfield vs. Dale Gribble? Another win in the Springfield column. > [@Art](#): > > Karl & Lenny vs. Boomhauer & John Redcorn? Draw. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/3 "2005-08-10T22:19:06Z")
Sober Barney could take Bill. Drunk Barney wouldn’t even try. Dale’s probably useless in any kind of fight. But I think Nancy could stomp some serious butt. ---
**Author:** ![BigDummy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee59a6/32.png) [@BigDummy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigDummy)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/4 "2005-08-10T22:22:07Z")
Straight up no weapons? Hank was quite the athlete in his day, but Homer was a professional boxer for a time. Gotta think Homer. Marge vs. Peggy may be the toughest one. Peggy’s Roller Derby training & mean streak vs Marge’s Police Acadamy/Bodybulding training and repressed aggression. I think it could go down to whoever made the first mistake. If there’s an edge, I might give it to Peggy. No brainer, Lisa is eight, Luanne is in her 20’s by now. Plus the roller derby background. Too much for Lisa’s brains to overcome. I could see Milhouse & Bobby ending with both of them collapsing in exhaustion. Draw. Barney & Bill **Dauterive** would be hard to call. I think it could come down to how motivated either guy is. If I had to put a bet down, I’d say Barney, but I’d prefer to lay off that action. Unless they were fighting over the last beer, then Barney all the way. Dale outside of his comfort zone is pretty pathetic, and humans aren’t in that zone. I’d say the merc. Are you kidding? John Redcorn is massive. He’d have a chance even without Boomhauer. ---
**Author:** ![BigDummy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee59a6/32.png) [@BigDummy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigDummy)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/5 "2005-08-10T22:41:45Z")
Heck, I’ll throw out a couple more. Grandpa ‘Raging Abe’ Simpson vs. Cotton Hill. Two decorated war heros. Tough call, but I think probably Cotton has a little more left in the tank at this point. Even without his shins. Ned Flanders vs. Kahn Souphanousinphone. Unless you give Ned a _really_ good reason to fight, Kahn all the way. Ned has the tools to win (guy’s pretty cut), but not the will. Come to think of it, Lisa vs. Kahn Jr. would be a much better match-up for her. Connie still has some size on her, but Lisa’s been toughened up but her constant battles with Bart. Might go with Lisa there. If, as was pointed out, you could get her to fight. But for a Buddhist, she does lose her temper pretty easily. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/6 "2005-08-10T22:44:10Z")
Generally I agree with **Otto** , but **Big Dummy** is right with the Redcorn & Boomhauer v. Karl & Lenny. Redcorn could handle K and L by himself without breaking a sweat. With Boomhauer watching his back, it’s no contest. Also, Barney doesn’t have the life sapping despair that plagues Bill. That’s gotta give Barney an edge. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/7 "2005-08-10T23:09:07Z")
> [@Larry Borgia](#): > > Also, Barney doesn’t have the life sapping despair that plagues Bill. That’s gotta give Barney an edge. Sure he does, remember his entry in the Springfield Film Festival? “Don’t mourn for me. I’m already dead.” ---
**Author:** ![BigDummy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee59a6/32.png) [@BigDummy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigDummy)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/8 "2005-08-10T23:28:34Z")
That’s why I think Barney vs. Bill comes down to motivation. Properly enraged, either of them is a handfull. I don’t see an actual draw there, though, someone would ultimately win. They’d go at it, and one of them would eventually get the lucky punch and the upper hand, but it’s tough to call which one it would be. I’m also not sold on Bobby’s self-defense training. It kind of needs the other person to want to get close. If Milhouse walks in on him maybe, but I can imagine this bout to consist of a lot of circling around until one or both fall asleep. Neither of them has much of a will to fight. But if Milhouse sticks with the 'roids, he might take him one day. ---
**Author:** ![sleeepy2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@sleeepy2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sleeepy2)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/9 "2005-08-10T23:44:04Z")
Cotton’s meaner than ever and not only are Abe’s days _long_ behind him, he’s narcoleptic. Cotton in 15 seconds. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2005, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/10 "2005-08-10T23:46:05Z")
[reads thread] I drove 2000 miles for _this?_ ---
**Author:** ![sleeepy2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@sleeepy2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sleeepy2)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/11 "2005-08-11T00:00:07Z")
Abe’s “best” days, that is. ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Side_of_the_Floyd)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/12 "2005-08-11T00:47:48Z")
Abe’s a Stonecutter. Who knows what kinds of things he learned at the lodge? ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/13 "2005-08-11T02:02:13Z")
> [@BigDummy](#): > > . Might go with Lisa there. If, as was pointed out, you could get her to fight. But for a Buddhist, she does lose her temper pretty easily. Kahn Jr. is a Buddhist too. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/14 "2005-08-11T02:04:21Z")
> [@BigDummy](#): > > Come to think of it, Lisa vs. Kahn Jr. would be a much better match-up for her. Connie still has some size on her, but Lisa’s been toughened up but her constant battles with Bart. Might go with Lisa there. If, as was pointed out, you could get her to fight. But for a Buddhist, she does lose her temper pretty easily. Being from Laos, isn’t Kahn Jr. a Buddhist too? I think these two would have much more of a knock-down, drag-out kind of fight if it were a quiz show setting. THEN it would get nasty. ---
**Author:** ![RyJae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@RyJae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RyJae)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/15 "2005-08-11T02:04:44Z")
That would be interesting and all, but a couple fatal four ways would totally be worth watching. Futurama–Simpsons–KotH–Family Guy Professor vs Abe vs Cotton\* vs Old Pervert Leela\* vs Marge vs Peggy vs Lois Fry vs Homer\* vs Hank vs Peter Amy vs Lisa vs Luann\* vs Meg Cubert vs Bart vs Bobby vs Chris\* Zapp vs One Arm vs Redcorn vs Joe\* Nibbler\* vs Little Santa vs Lady Bird vs Brian Zoidberg\* vs Dale vs Quigmire vs Barney And for the final battle Cotton vs Leela vs Homer vs Luann vs Chris vs Joe vs Nibble\* vs Zoidberg \*Denotes who I think would win. And the winner is Futurama’s very own Nibbler [del]eating[/del] taking the prize. Now that would be a fine night of action ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/16 "2005-08-11T03:40:07Z")
> [@DarkSideoftheFloyd](#): > > Abe’s a Stonecutter. He’s also the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![threeorange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@threeorange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/threeorange)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/17 "2005-08-11T10:41:17Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > Bill’s last name is pronounced Doh-TREEV but I don’t know the spelling. It’s spelled “Dauterive”. He’s apparently named after one of the show’s writer/producers. ---
**Author:** ![Gerome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/85e7bf/32.png) [@Gerome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gerome)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/18 "2005-08-11T12:52:54Z")
> [@threeorange](#): > > It’s spelled “Dauterive”. He’s apparently named after one of the show’s writer/producers. For the sake of completion, his full name is William Fontaine de la Tour D’auterive. Also, I’d pick Homer over Hank, because Homer seems to be far more indestructible - he’s taken more punishment than Hank ever has. Hell, Bobby levelled Hank with one kick to the crotch. ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/19 "2005-08-11T13:07:20Z")
> [@LostGoals](#): > > That would be interesting and all, but a couple fatal four ways would totally be worth watching. > > Futurama–Simpsons–KotH–Family Guy > > Fry vs Homer\* vs Hank vs Peter Gotta disagree. Homer can take massive amounts of punishment, but Peter Griffin engaged in some seriously dangerous and drawn-out brawling with the giant chicken on two separate occasions. I think Peter could win this four-way dance. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/20 "2005-08-11T14:04:11Z")
Incidentally, the one-armed owner of Springfield’s military antiques store is named Herman. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514.md?page=2)