# Death matches - the Simpsons vs. the Hills **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 10, 2005, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514 "2005-08-10T21:54:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/21 "2005-08-11T14:11:54Z")
It’s only fair if you match up a glory days retro fight Abe ‘Fighting Hellfish’ Simpson vs Cotton ‘I killed fitty men’ Hill. ---
**Author:** ![RyJae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@RyJae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RyJae)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/22 "2005-08-11T14:19:29Z")
> [@Gerome](#): > > For the sake of completion, his full name is William Fontaine de la Tour D’auterive. > > Also, I’d pick Homer over Hank, because Homer seems to be far more indestructible - he’s taken more punishment than Hank ever has. Hell, Bobby levelled Hank with one kick to the crotch. Thats because of his _whispers_ narrow urethra ---
**Author:** ![RyJae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@RyJae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RyJae)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/23 "2005-08-11T14:21:02Z")
> [@Big Bad Voodoo Lou](#): > > Gotta disagree. Homer can take massive amounts of punishment, but Peter Griffin engaged in some seriously dangerous and drawn-out brawling with the giant chicken on two separate occasions. I think Peter could win this four-way dance. Yeah I think you may of changed my mind. Peter took a helluva fall a couple of times wrestling with that chicken and still managed to walk away. But I still have to say Nibbler takes it all. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/24 "2005-08-11T14:22:58Z")
Willie is goin’ to be pissed. He’ll beat up any left standing to show them what real fight is. **Willie the Groundskeep** > [@](#): > > "You bunch of Cheese Eating Surrender monkeys, I show you how god fearing soccer hooligans do it! " ---
**Author:** ![RyJae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@RyJae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RyJae)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/25 "2005-08-11T14:26:11Z")
I thought about adding Willie to my fatal fourway but ran out of room. Kiff -vs- Willie -vs- Bill -vs- Quagmire There now Willie gets to go hooligan on some asses. ---
**Author:** ![drm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e57/32.png) [@drm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drm)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/26 "2005-08-11T15:23:13Z")
I’ll weigh in on a couple… Hank vs. Homer Hank is an ex football player who’s still in pretty decent shape. Homer is an ex boxer who couldn’t punch and ex lollapalooza (might have called it something else) sideshow with a fragile belly. Homer became so exhausted he couldn’t move playing capture the flag which consisted of him running a grand total of 100 meters - maybe. I don’t even think it’d be close. Hank will tenderize him. Karl & Lenny vs. Boomhauer & John Redcorn John Redcorn doesn’t even need Boomhauer. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/27 "2005-08-11T17:02:02Z")
> [@LostGoals](#): > > Professor vs Abe vs Cotton\* vs Old Pervert I disagree. It would be Hubert all the way. “Before we begin, may I use my asthma medicine?” “Sure. They tells me all my troubles can be fixed with pills. The blue ones make your relatives visit. The orange ones make tv shows more polite. The green ones keep you from screaming.” “Just hurry and take yer siss medicine, so’s I can kick your pansy future ass!” “Oh yeah! Put that medicine in you mouth and suck!” “Hah! Twentieth century morons! You can’t even tell the difference between an asthma inhaler and a neutronium powered pocket-size demolecularizer! Eat hot Q-particles!” He vaporizes Cotton, and the Old Pervert. Abe remains unharmed. “You! Why didn’t you die?” “I can’t do anything right anymore.” “Only an asbestos shield could have protected you.” “I thought that cotton candy they give us at the home tasted funny.” “Hmm. I need a precision ground lens capable of hyperattenuating the beam. Where did I leave my . . . . Aha!” Farnsworth removes his glasses and focuses the ray through them. Of course, Hubert can’t see without his glasses and vaporizes large holes in the building before finally hitting Abe. Everyone else cowers behind large pieces of furniture until Leela uses her kung fu skills to snatch the weapon from the professor. Fry"Cheez. How’re we gonna fix this?" Hermes “Simple. I take the money out of Zoidberg’s salary!” ---
**Author:** ![RyJae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@RyJae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RyJae)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2005, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/28 "2005-08-11T19:32:02Z")
I don’t know Hubert just doesn’t have much in the way of parts that work without some downside. I am sure he could try, but I think Old Pervert would be the only one dumb enough to fall for something like that. Maybe Hubert could show Old Pervert a picture of his back scraping to lure him into a death grip. But then Cotton would break his shins like a S.O.B. then stomp’em with the anger of fitty men. I did have a problem deciding between Abe, and Cotton but come on now Abe just doesn’t have enough left in the tank, his kid doesn’t even care about him anymore. While Cotton has “Good Hank” to fight for, thus leaving me to believe he just has enough motivation to emerge bloody but with the victory. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2005, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/29 "2005-08-12T02:59:10Z")
> [@LostGoals](#): > > I don’t know Hubert just doesn’t have much in the way of parts that work without some downside. I am sure he could try, but I think Old Pervert would be the only one dumb enough to fall for something like that. I just can’t see Hubert being without gadgets unless he’s completely naked. Remember, he’s an NRA member and his views on gun control are even stronger than Dale Gribble’s. He’s almost always in the midst of several projects and has all kinds of tools in his pockets. If he knows a fight is coming, he’ll pull out something lethal. Not to mention “Bender! Code 35/G! Kill these three old guys! Ha! I installed that override when I realized it could be used to make Bender kill my enemies.” ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Side_of_the_Floyd)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2005, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/30 "2005-08-12T04:21:19Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > He’s also the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. And a Communist. ---
**Author:** ![Notorious\_Nik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/858c86/32.png) [@Notorious\_Nik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Notorious_Nik)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2005, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/31 "2005-08-12T05:05:48Z")
> [@LostGoals](#): > > Leela\* vs Marge vs Peggy vs Lois I don’t know about this one. Lois is pretty badass. She made short work of all those New Yorkers, then pretty well made a horses-ass out of Peter. I don’t know if she could beat Leela, but she could sure give her a run for her money. ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Side_of_the_Floyd)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2005, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/32 "2005-08-12T05:20:53Z")
That’s hard… Leela can kick ass, but Lois is a **domme**. ---
**Author:** ![Snarky\_Kong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Snarky\_Kong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snarky_Kong)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2005, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514/33 "2005-08-12T05:43:40Z")
Lois beat up 3 kryptonians… she’d win the fight no contest. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/death-matches-the-simpsons-vs-the-hills/316514.md?page=1)