# Declanium is a sorry excuse for a mother. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 6, 2020, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539 "2020-02-06T14:23:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/221 "2020-02-07T18:27:13Z")
> [@Chingon](#): > > Are you willing to put down that dog if your son breaks his promise? Should have been the first to go, really. The dog could smell the weed from day one and never said goddamn word. ---
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/222 "2020-02-07T18:29:36Z")
I think this poster is actually one of the sons who is smoking weed, and this whole charade is simply him imagining what his bitch of a mother would be like if she posted on this board. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/223 "2020-02-07T18:32:40Z")
sorry, was trying to copy and paste a photo of a dog smoking weed. Didn’t work. You may google it to find some good ones ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/224 "2020-02-07T18:37:09Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > What I’m getting from you is that I should just accept that my teenage sons are doing drugs > That they will most likely to continue do drugs (look > at kayaker) Don’t look at kayaker. Look at me. I smoked some as a teen. Less in college. Not at all for about 20 years. Then I used occasionally when I happened to be spending time in a legal state. I spend more money on Pep-O-Mint Life Savers than I do on pot. I’ve had pot sitting in my house for 2+ years because I wasn’t that interested in partaking. If it’s true that “ It’s either no drugs or drugs are your life,” then how do you account for someone like me? Or maybe you SHOULD look at kayaker. He runs a successful business with multiple employees and has the cash to bum around ritzy Caribbean islands on vacation. AND he’s one of the most sane and sensible people around here. He’s doing fine. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/225 "2020-02-07T18:40:10Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Do you see what you just did? > > I say this without a shred of intended insult: Get proper therapy for yourself from a real therapist, not this social worker you’ve been seeing. Don’t drag your kids to the therapist with you. Go alone. Get treatment. You’re not well. A Licensed Clinical Social Worker _is_ a real therapist. **Declanium** might have an incompetent one - they certainly exist - or, more likely, she’s not reporting the LCSW’s counsel accurately; we’ve already seen that **Declanium** ignores advice she doesn’t like. But clinical social workers are held to higher licensure standards than LMFTs or LPCs, and they have different orientations than psychologists or psychiatrists, that focus more on systematic issues. An LCSW is probably the best type of therapist to deal with **Declanium** and her dysfunctions. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/226 "2020-02-07T18:43:25Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Or maybe you SHOULD look at kayaker. He runs a successful business with multiple employees and has the cash to bum around ritzy Caribbean islands on vacation. AND he’s one of the most sane and sensible people around here. He’s doing fine. He was going to start Amazon dot com But then he got high… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/227 "2020-02-07T18:45:55Z")
> [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](#): > > A Licensed Clinical Social Worker _is_ a real therapist. **Declanium** might have an incompetent one - they certainly exist - or, more likely, she’s not reporting the LCSW’s counsel accurately; we’ve already seen that **Declanium** ignores advice she doesn’t like. But clinical social workers are held to higher licensure standards than LMFTs or LPCs, and they have different orientations than psychologists or psychiatrists, that focus more on systematic issues. An LCSW is probably the best type of therapist to deal with **Declanium** and her dysfunctions. I stand corrected. T/Y. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/228 "2020-02-07T18:54:07Z")
For those mocking on the little dog, it’s ironic that the kids never smoked around or near the dog. They feared for his little lungs. Not for their own tho. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/229 "2020-02-07T18:56:56Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > What I’m getting from you is that I should just accept that my teenage sons are doing drugs > That they will most likely to continue do drugs (look > at kayaker) > \*\*And I should keep up loving relationships with them regardless. \*\*Despite my misgivings for their health, family relationships, financial (weed seems like a waste of money for someone saving up for a house and/or car one day), motivation etc > Am I right? Bolding mine. JESUS GOD, YES. Yes, you continue to have a loving relationship with your CHILDREN. Desire your “misgivings.” They are not you, and they will make decisions you don’t agree with. They rebelled, but the only ones hurt were themselves, **potentially**. Your feelings of control may have been hurt but even you said they were surprised by your reaction. They didn’t go out and rape someone, or drive drunk and hurt someone, they didn’t kill anyone. They didn’t contract an STD or impregnate anyone (that you know of) They smoked weed for 10 months- months where you still thought they were worthy of love, months that your had no idea that they had turned into such degenerate junkies. So- it must have impacted their personalities and function dreadfully, right? So badly you didn’t even notice a change. I used to do drugs. I don’t anymore. I’m sure in your world I don’t exist, since I’m married, work full-time, volunteer my time in the community- I’m not living in a gutter somewhere, just scheming for that next sweet, sweet bong hit. But even if I did still smoke weed- as some people I know do- that doesn’t mean someone’s life is ruined. You have countess examples in both of these threads and you just ignore them. That’s why people are thinking maybe you’re a troll. You didn’t start your thread looking for perspective. If you had, you wouldn’t have ignored every single post providing you with different points of view. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/230 "2020-02-07T18:57:12Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > For those mocking on the little dog, it’s ironic that the kids never smoked around or near the dog. They feared for his little lungs. Not for their own tho. You said some real crap in this thread. But, this one is over the top. Troll. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/231 "2020-02-07T18:58:54Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Some ppl have given it up after youth, but for most part, ppl are still doing it. The statistics don’t bear that out. Looking at some stats online around 35% of students in middle/high school have used illicit drugs. Those numbers haven’t changed much in the past decade. So, if all of friends are telling you that their kids have never used drugs, they either don’t know their kids as well as they think, they are lying to you, or you have an extremely rare group of friends. Kids are great at hiding things, parents are often pretty clueless. > **[Drug use lifetime prevalence among students U.S. 2022 | Statista](https://www.statista.com/statistics/208420/us-lifetime-prevalence-drug-use-grades-8-10-12-since-1991/)** > > Around 28 percent of U.S. Total number of people in the US who’ve ever used marijuana - around 125 million, or around a third of the population. But the number who have used marijuana in the past year, around 44 million. That means that 2/3s of the people who have ever used either stop completely or now use extremely rarely. Of the remaining 1/3, it’s not clear how many are habitual or casual users, but one can assume that at least some subset of that don’t use regularly. > **[Past year illicit drug users in the US by drug type 2022 | Statista](https://www.statista.com/statistics/611152/illicit-drug-users-number-past-year-in-the-us-by-drug/)** > > Marijuana is by far the most used illicit drug in the United States, with over 61 million people using this drug in 2022. > **[Lifetime marijuana users U.S. 2009-2022 | Statista](https://www.statista.com/statistics/611668/marijuana-use-during-lifetime-in-the-us/)** > > In 2022, around 132 million people in the United States had used marijuana in their lifetime, a substantial increase from 104 million in 2009. No matter how you slice it, most people who’ve ever used pot don’t end up as habitual users. There’s no way to tell if your kids will end up that way, but the odds are against that happening. And this has nothing to say about whether habitual use is a significant detriment to their lives. It can be, just like habitual alcohol use can be a significant detriment to quality of life and functioning, but in general pot usage is less of a concern than most other drugs. I believe there are more detrimental physical effects of drinking a few beers every night than smoking weed every night, but I’ll let someone else who knows better chime in on that. I think people get that you’re concerned about your children, and that’s a sign of good parenting. Habitual pot or any drug use (especially including alcohol) is something to worry about and council your children against. And I understand if for you, drug use is a major trigger point. You can’t change your feelings. But you can educate yourself about the realities of drug use in general, and marijuana use specifically. Hopefully that will allow you to forgive your sons and re-establish a supportive relationship. This should probably be in the other thread, not the Pit thread, but it’s already typed in so here it goes. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/232 "2020-02-07T19:00:54Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Don’t look at kayaker. Look at me. I smoked some as a teen. Less in college. Not at all for about 20 years. Then I used occasionally when I happened to be spending time in a legal state. I spend more money on Pep-O-Mint Life Savers than I do on pot. I’ve had pot sitting in my house for 2+ years because I wasn’t that interested in partaking. > > If it’s true that “ It’s either no drugs or drugs are your life,” then how do you account for someone like me? > > Or maybe you SHOULD look at kayaker. He runs a successful business with multiple employees and has the cash to bum around ritzy Caribbean islands on vacation. AND he’s one of the most sane and sensible people around here. He’s doing fine. Either of these two awesome posters should be looked at- clearly your thinking is disordered in this regard. There are a lot of posters in both of these threads to look at. There are a lot of famous people, too, who smoke that seem to be doing pretty well in their lives! Quite a few who used to and stopped. A lot of people whose lives and/or health have been ruined by alcohol, but booze is okay, just don’t toke up! But the only examples you even seem to see are the bad examples. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/233 "2020-02-07T19:04:21Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Younger son loves our family dog very much. Sleeps with him nightly. Primary caretaker. > He chose to swear on the dog’s life that he would not smoke weed again. > I’m a bit nervous for the dog. He’s 7 years old. > [@Declanium](#): > > For those mocking on the little dog, it’s ironic that the kids never smoked around or near the dog. They feared for his little lungs. Not for their own tho. Brava!! I had my doubts previously, but not any longer. Brilliant performance. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/234 "2020-02-07T19:08:20Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > Brava!! > > I had my doubts previously, but not any longer. > > Brilliant performance. 😃 I have rarely seen it topped. Wild applause, screams of approval. Wonder what he/she is going to do for an encore? ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/235 "2020-02-07T19:08:45Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I don’t have therapy until end of next week which is why I’m venting on this message board. > And you’re right. Some ppl have given it up after youth, but for most part, ppl are still doing it. A loving and compassionate relationship is what could make sure your kids end up okay. Doing what you’re doing right now is greatly increasing their chances of destroying their lives. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/236 "2020-02-07T19:08:48Z")
I’m over the whole troll shit tbh I swear on a stack of Bibles. This is not a performance. Screw you if you think it is. I wish it was. ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/237 "2020-02-07T19:16:51Z")
Your hysterics are, well, hysterical. Move along. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/238 "2020-02-07T19:27:18Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I’m over the whole troll shit tbh > I swear on a stack of Bibles. This is not a performance. > Screw you if you think it is. > I wish it was. Troll or not, it doesn’t seem like you’re in the right place for the advice you seek. People are taking the time to tell their experiences with pot and find data that shows that pot isn’t as terrible as you think, but your position is not budging and it doesn’t seem like you want to listen. If all you want is people to agree that your sons are lost and that you’re justified for pushing them away, you would probably get that kind of advice from a more socially conservative group of people. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/239 "2020-02-07T20:03:00Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > :smack: > > It’s like talking to a brick wall. You misspelled troll ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/240 "2020-02-07T20:08:27Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > You don’t actually understand what love is… Declanum, read this again. Repeatedly until it sinks in. I had a father exactly like you. A “my way or the highway” type over various arbitrary rules and moral lines. Pot was also one of those lines. There was never truly love–only control, domination, and abuse covered up with safe facade activities like “baking cookies every Christmas eve” to masquerade as love. Like your son, I smoked some pot then and got caught. I chose the highway when I turned 18. 30 years later, I’m successful, have my own little kid and loving partner, and never turned into a pothead addict. I haven’t spoken to my father in over 20 years. The last I’d heard through the grapevine is he’s on his 4th divorce, has left a trail of step-kids whose “love” was never there to begin with, and is in alcohol recovery (gee, how ironic, if he’d only chose a less harmful drug…). Trying to preserve that relationship with a father incapable of love would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I’m surrounded with people who love and love me. At the critical tipping point in our lives, the same one you are at now, my dad chose an arbitrary line over learning how to love and support. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=11) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=13)