# Declanium is a sorry excuse for a mother. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 6, 2020, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539 "2020-02-06T14:23:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/241 "2020-02-07T20:12:58Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I’m over the whole troll shit tbh > I swear on a stack of Bibles. This is not a performance. > Screw you if you think it is. > I wish it was. FWIW, I don’t think you are. And to those who think she is, so what? Those of us who don’t think that know we might be wasting our time. Maybe we are, anyway. But maybe someone will say something that resonates with the OP. **Declanium** , it’s obvious that despite whatever licensing this social worker has, the situation isn’t working. You don’t appear to have made any progress in how you’re thinking about this. It sounds to me like everyone from the therapist to your kids is telling you what you want to hear. You’re not going to get what you want, which is a fantasy world where everything is hunky-dory. So you’re going to have to learn to deal with that, or you risk losing everything. _You can only control your own actions_, not those of anyone else. Not your husband, not your kids. Your kids sound like good ones. They’re normal teens experimenting. They’ll be OK. What will help them immensely is that YOU be OK. Please, please find a mental health counselor for you, just for you, who will help you see the shades of grey and not just the black and white. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/242 "2020-02-07T20:22:13Z")
Well, there are two choices here, aren’t there? Either Declanium is one sick puppy, or he/she is a troll. Trolls are of course sick puppies, so it’s just a matter of which breed. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/243 "2020-02-07T20:28:58Z")
THis is one of the nastiest pit threads I’ve read in a long time. All these dopers jumping in to say troll troll troll troll troll trolling trolling trolling trolling I suspect half are socks themselves, oh yes it’s that bad bad bad. We all know socks love to intermingle in the echo chamber feeding off each other and engaging in one big giant circle jerk, except they’re basically impotent thus their rage at a depressed disappointed woman. Is there a limit to the number of ignoramuses one can put on ignore? Apparently not. Bless all the little fucking stone cold hearts, chicken shits. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/244 "2020-02-07T20:32:50Z")
You sound like a pot smoker. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/245 "2020-02-07T20:37:03Z")
Guys, she’s not a troll. You people get so paranoid about socks and trolls. She certainly isn’t a Drunky Smurf sock. And did someone say she was a Hurricane Ditka sock!? I mean no. Just no. Honestly your internetting will be less stressful if you take people at their word, instead of putting on Sherlock Holmes hats and trying to look clever. If you really really think it’s BS, why respond at all. There are plenty of people who are obsessed with rules, and can give love–or a simulacrum of love–only if certain conditions are met. GargoyleWB just gave an example above, as have others in this thread. They have black and white thinking. Everything is either pancake breakfasts on Christmas morn, or a life of ruin and despair trading sex for drug money behind one of the seedier 7-11s. It’s impossible for them to see something as cause for concern and intervention, but not a disaster. These people actually exist and Declanium’s not the only one on this board. Also people genuinely have weird ideas about all sorts of things. Even in 2020 I can see someone from a sheltered environment going full on reefer madness about weed. And when people get piled on, it’s a natural response to dig in your heels and double down. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/246 "2020-02-07T20:38:26Z")
Is it my husky deep voice? ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/247 "2020-02-07T20:41:35Z")
> [@chela](#): > > Is it my husky deep voice? The dog told me ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/248 "2020-02-07T20:47:06Z")
> [@Larry\_Borgia](#): > > Guys, she’s not a troll. You people get so paranoid about socks and trolls. She certainly isn’t a Drunky Smurf sock. And did someone say she was a Hurricane Ditka sock!? I mean no. Just no. > > Honestly your internetting will be less stressful if you take people at their word, instead of putting on Sherlock Holmes hats and trying to look clever. It’s the timing. Not a peep for 40 months then all this drama shortly after some very notable bannings. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/249 "2020-02-07T20:49:19Z")
Declanium has been on the board since 2015. She isn’t a sock. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t trolling. And even if she is, who cares? It’s obviously made for an engaging thread. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/250 "2020-02-07T20:52:54Z")
> [@Skywatcher](#): > > It’s the timing. Not a peep for 40 months then all this drama shortly after some very notable bannings. There are always bannings on this board. Do you really think Ditka or Drunky made this account in 2015, made some innocuous posts over the years, only to spring into action–with a personality completely unlike either of them–now? I’m sorry, but that’s nuts. I think it’s much much more likely that she stumbled upon this board a while ago, posted a few things now and then, and then remembered it after finding the weed and came here to vent. ---
**Author:** ![JeffB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeffb/32/188_2.png) [@JeffB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JeffB)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/251 "2020-02-07T20:57:18Z")
> [@chela](#): > > Your son charged thousands of dollars in electronics, clothes and food plus more and you never noticed? It was only because your ex thank god anticipated the bills. Where the fuc were you while junior was living large on your dime and you never noticed? Thetre’s a reason you are an ex. > [@chela](#): > > THis is one of the nastiest pit threads I’ve read in a long time. :dubious: Something about pot and kettle. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/252 "2020-02-07T21:00:51Z")
Funny how her kids are the ones smoking all the pot and we’re the ones with all the troll paranoia. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/253 "2020-02-07T21:02:07Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Declanium has been on the board since 2015. She isn’t a sock. The latter does not necessarily follow the former; some make a game of creating multiple accounts at various times. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/254 "2020-02-07T21:04:22Z")
Not a troll. Again, if you think I am, then just don’t respond. Seems easy enough. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/255 "2020-02-07T21:09:01Z")
> [@Larry\_Borgia](#): > > Guys, she’s not a troll. You people get so paranoid about socks and trolls. She certainly isn’t a Drunky Smurf sock. And did someone say she was a Hurricane Ditka sock!? I mean no. Just no. I’ve seen zero evidence of socking here. And the identities that have been proposed are, as far as I can see, ludicrous. Some people seem to think that there are only three jerks on the internet and they are all socks of one another. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/256 "2020-02-07T21:10:42Z")
> [@Skywatcher](#): > > It’s the timing. Not a peep for 40 months then all this drama shortly after some very notable bannings. This is a non sequitur. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/257 "2020-02-07T21:11:35Z")
> [@Larry\_Borgia](#): > > There are always bannings on this board. Do you really think Ditka or Drunky made this account in 2015, made some innocuous posts over the years, only to spring into action–with a personality completely unlike either of them–now? I think the timing is suspicious enough to warrant investigation by TPTB, that’s all. > [@](#): > > I think it’s much much more likely that she stumbled upon this board a while ago, posted a few things now and then, and then remembered it after finding the weed and came here to vent. Or this is a variation of [Munchausen by Internet](https://www.thestranger.com/seattle/the-lying-disease/Content?oid=15337239). ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/258 "2020-02-07T21:29:32Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > I’ve seen zero evidence of socking here. And the identities that have been proposed are, as far as I can see, ludicrous. > > Some people seem to think that there are only three jerks on the internet and they are all socks of one another. Just the kind of things Russian trolls do when not busy bringing down democracies. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/259 "2020-02-07T22:11:56Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > I’ve seen zero evidence of socking here. And the identities that have been proposed are, as far as I can see, ludicrous. > > Some people seem to think that there are only three jerks on the internet and they are all socks of one another. The _sock-watchers_ are like a dog with a bone. A dog that has watched way too much L&O (and all the other initialled TV crime-dramas) and has taken it to heart. ---
**Author:** ![Swampwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Swampwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swampwolf)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/260 "2020-02-07T22:37:24Z")
**Declanium,** just so you know, here in NC where vaping is widespread and pot use is also all over the place (great universities and Research Triangle Park, anyone?), 1 pod of THC vape runs $70 through adult-to-adult channels. a kid could easily be expected to pay $80-100. I just got off the phone with a good friend of mine who, a business owner at 45 years old, along with her business-owning PhD husband, goes through one pod per week. A couple of tokes, then off to bed. Just a couple tokes. They’d burn through a grand in 3 months. In NY, a kid getting it from a guy he knows, could spend a grand and still only smoke once or twice a week in 10 months. Like many others here, I smoked when I was in high school. I kept on smoking, not because I was addicted, but…and this is important, so I’m gonna type slow…_because it felt good._ Marijuana is considered a euphoric because it makes you feel happy. Surely there are things you do for that reason? Baking cookies with your sons sounds like one of them. Remember, these are kids. Bucking authority is what they do. It’s what kids have always done. It’s what _their_ kids will do when they grow up, meet a relatively normal person, get married, buy a house, and settle down. Just like many people in this and the linked thread. So to sum up: SMOKING WEED AS A TEENAGER IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE I stopped smoking in my 30s. Considering picking it back up again once it’s legalized. I have a great wife, a great job, and I’m a happy person. I’m not even special! One of the most average folk you’ll ever meet. The chances are FAR better that your kids will either grow out of it, or they won’t and they’ll still thrive. There are a few things you said that I’d like to address: > [@](#): > > **1:** I’m very black and white, as a poster noted. > **2:** It’s either no drugs or drugs are your life. > **3:** And the fact that they may be grappling with a substance abuse disorder is my constant thought process._(bullet points added)_ 1: It’s very good that you acknowledge you see things in terms of black and white. Sometimes life would be easier if everything were binary, but they’re not. In fact, there are so many shades of grey, I’m not even sure black and white exist in most situations. 2: That is demonstrably not the case. Many people around here have been trying to explain this with first-person examples. Surely that counteracts the 23 year old son of your sister’s friend that you heard of. I promise you–_PROMISE_ you that people you know, people you like, people you admire even, take a couple of hits now and again. [Statistics show](http://maristpoll.marist.edu/wp-content/misc/Yahoo%20News/20170417_Summary%20Yahoo%20News-Marist%20Poll_Weed%20and%20The%20American%20Family.pdf) that 22% of adults use marijuana. That’s 1 in 5. (Yes, I see the bit which talks about household earning and college completion. I also see the bit about how many millennials there are. Factor that in, and the correlation between pot use and household income is perhaps irrelevant). 3: I’d like to call your attention to your use of the word “may.” Three letters, but a BIG word nonetheless. Yes. They may be grappling with a substance abuse disorder. They also may not be. Even if it’s a 50-50 chance, you don’t have to see the glass as half empty. With a hole in it. To a degree, we, as human beings, have the liberty of deciding what bothers us. We decide what we focus (or fixate) on. If you feel that this is not something within your control, then there are issues that need to be addressed which have nothing to do with your sons. If it IS within your control, then you have to ask yourself, “What’s more important to me: my family, or my opinions?” Look. I get it. I really do. You feel that you’re disappointed in them. But what you said in your original post in the original thread, > [@](#): > > I am so hurt by this that I can’t even be around them without being angry. Is this because I had only one job? To raise them well, and I screwed it up? How can I get back to feeling warmth towards them? tells me more than any of your other posts. You’re angry with them because you feel that you failed. Failed as a mom. I’ll let you in on a secret. You didn’t fail. From what you’ve told us about them, they’re kind. They’re loving. They’re fun to be around. In my opinion, you succeeded. You’re a good mom. You’ve raised good kids. Maybe not flawless, but who among us were perfect kids? Please try to put what’s likely a harmless phase into context. It’ll do you, and them, and your family as a whole, a world of good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=14)