# Declanium is a sorry excuse for a mother. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 6, 2020, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539 "2020-02-06T14:23:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 22
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/421 "2020-02-10T14:47:52Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > I never said you shouldn’t. It’s just hypocritical to complain about trolling when you are enthusiastically standing on your chair and booing. 😃 How dare you lecture me. The mods here let racist and misogynist trolls operate here with impunity. Women fled this place because the mods here did nothing about openly sexist trolls. You have no credibility on this issue. ---
**Author:** ![saucywench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/85e7bf/32.png) [@saucywench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saucywench)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/422 "2020-02-10T14:50:03Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > If everyone else is still feeding them, does it really matter if one more person joins in? People like to call out trolls in the Pit–we even have a thread specifically for that. > > For the record, I still say they are saucywench and Charlie Wayne. They were good at seeming to be clueless, and at saying things that irritate people, but not so good as faking how a non-troll reacts to being called a troll. No, I won’t explain what I mean. > > I get everyone refuting their stupidity at first–so that no one else thinks she’s right. But everyone’s just repeating themselves at this point. If others don’t get why “her” attitude is bad parenting by now, they never will. I’m not the droid you are looking for. “Arkansas-Where education are important.” ---
**Author:** ![saucywench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/85e7bf/32.png) [@saucywench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saucywench)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/423 "2020-02-10T16:42:50Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > …They were good at seeming to be clueless… That’s rich! ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/424 "2020-02-10T17:30:06Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > For you all, it’s fun > Let’s laugh and call this woman a troll because she can’t be depressed at her sons’ sad futures because they smoked pot > But whatever > > I am depressed about it > They didn’t just try weed. They were smoking it a lot for 10 months. Spending a lot of money on it. In a family with addictive behavior. > Yeah, let’s all laugh. > Cuz if they end up drug addicts or dying because of vaping. My, what a laugh you’ll have. No insult intended. Besides your depression, have you been diagnosed with any other type of developmental disorder? ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/425 "2020-02-10T17:35:04Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I > Don’t. > Honestly I > Don’t. If you insist on writing in this stupid format, at least do us a favor and haiku properly. Really turn up the entertainment factor. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/426 "2020-02-10T17:36:37Z")
Just depression. But it’s enough. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/427 "2020-02-10T17:45:11Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > No. Not Mormon > > So hard to believe that not all ppl do drugs? I guarantee your therapist(s) do. I’ve met many, and never found one that doesn’t unwind with pot. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/428 "2020-02-10T17:53:45Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Just depression. But it’s enough. Is it possible that your inability to cope rationally with a situation that is _well within normal parameters of teenage behavior_, is due to your depression? Have you considered that you may not be getting adequate level of treatment for your condition which is resulting in your poor decision making processes? ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/429 "2020-02-10T18:00:43Z")
But I disagree. It is NOT well within normal parameters of teenage behavior. Not at all. Again only 30 pct of teenagers have smoked pot by 12th grade. The majority do not. Those are the normal teens who probably talk back, get bad grades, maybe break curfew. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/430 "2020-02-10T18:11:46Z")
What I find hard to believe is that you claim to be seeing a therapist but they are not addressing your inability to cope with events outside your control (namely, the marijuana use by your sons) and your inflexibility (because they are smoking marijuana, I no longer consider them my sons). ---
**Author:** ![saucywench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/85e7bf/32.png) [@saucywench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saucywench)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/431 "2020-02-10T18:14:43Z")
And she still won’t give one reason as to her motivation for having children. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/432 "2020-02-10T18:17:38Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > But I disagree. It is NOT well within normal parameters of teenage behavior. Not at all. > Again only 30 pct of teenagers have smoked pot by 12th grade. > The majority do not. Those are the normal teens who probably talk back, get bad grades, maybe break curfew. It is [normal for 33% of teens to try alcohol](https://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/adolescent-development/substance-use/marijuana/index.html) before grade 12. Normal does not require a majority. So your opinion is wrong. It is well within the parameters of _normal_ for teens to use pot. In fact it’s becoming more normal now than before. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/433 "2020-02-10T18:26:38Z")
I am seeing a therapist and she is trying to deal with my depression. She knows how I feel about my sons and my emotional distancing. She says she’s not going to change my mind in this. And again, she stressed that this could be the beginning of their end to a drug addicted future but they must suffer the “natural consequences” of their drug use. I use quotes because she uses that term so frequently it’s become a mantra. That’s the only way of saving them. Suffering the natural consequences of their use. Legal, like a DUI or if they’re caught with it (illegal here) or social (a friend/girlfriend may think less of them for using it) or failing out of college or health-wise (lung illness). So maybe now you see where I’m coming from. She’s basically tied my hands until they suffer some awful consequence. It’s like you have to anticipate the awful thing happening to make a possible change. And she stressed possible. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/434 "2020-02-10T18:29:35Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > But I disagree. It is NOT well within normal parameters of teenage behavior. Not at all. > Again only 30 pct of teenagers have smoked pot by 12th grade. > The majority do not. Those are the normal teens who probably talk back, get bad grades, maybe break curfew. It’s perfectly fine to want your teenagers to refrain from drugs and alcohol. It’s perfectly fine to punish them, or come up with other strategies for enforcing your rules. You are getting push back primarily for your severe overreaction to a violation of your rules. (“I’m done with my sons,” etc.) As we explore the reasons for your overreaction, we find that you have some serious misconceptions about marijuana, that perhaps lead you to believe your sons are on a fast track to pain, suffering, poverty, and early death. _ **However** _, even if pot was as bad as you think it is, a parent’s job is to deal with the problem with love, patience, and compassion. Emphasis on patience. I could be five or ten years for this to resolve to your satisfaction. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/435 "2020-02-10T18:38:13Z")
Just dropped in to say I can’t believe this thread is still going on. That’s all. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/436 "2020-02-10T18:46:49Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > So maybe now you see where I’m coming from. > She’s basically tied my hands until they suffer some awful consequence. I’m pretty sure your therapist hasn’t tied your hands WRT this issue. If your hands are tied, they are tied by reality itself, and your therapist is simply pointing that out to you. Depending on where you live, MJ is likely to become (or already has become) a completely legal product, at which point you’re not talking about the horrors of taking illegal drugs, but the horrors of drinking beer. If they WERE drinking, now is the time to strengthen your relationship, not break it apart. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/437 "2020-02-10T19:10:38Z")
> [@GargoyleWB](#): > > I guarantee your therapist(s) do. I’ve met many, and never found one that doesn’t unwind with pot. Not doubting you, but I’ve known many therapists as well, who don’t smoke weed. Some might, and I just don’t know, but I’m certain about my wife, my sister, my best friend, and my mother. Any therapist who works for a substance abuse treatment center, as well, would lose their job if they were caught blazing. Not to say it doesn’t happen, but it would be risky and unprofessional for a therapist working with addicts. ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/438 "2020-02-10T19:42:55Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > It’s probably good that they’re learning sooner rather than later that they have a mother who doesn’t love them and won’t stand by them in difficult times. A loving, supporting mother could be very beneficial to them, but it seems pretty clear that you’re not interested in that. I thought this was kind of silly the first time someone mentioned it-- the idea that a mother who is seriously overreacting to her kids smoking pot and having horrible thoughts about abandoning them should actually just go ahead and do it. But the way Declanium has doubled (and tripled and quadrupled…) down on her pathological rejection of her kids, over many days and three separate threads, is making me wonder. It’s not really the same thing, but I dated a guy for 5 years who was sometimes nice to me and sometimes kind of cruel. He would usually couch his cruelty in humor and often direct it toward others instead of me, so it was hard for me to feel justified in breaking up with him over it. Each individual instance seemed so minor in the grand scheme of things, and I only really saw the pattern in hindsight. I finally broke up with him when, in the midst of an argument, he said something truly, unmistakably, and inexcusably cruel, which was directly aimed at me. I look back at that now as the biggest favor he could have done for me, because finally I felt like I could leave, and tell everyone why, and no one would raise their eyebrows and say, “really? Over _that_?” I don’t suppose Declanium has been a wonderful mother up to this point. I’m sure she has gone through the motions of performing motherhood, and that’s probably been enough to convince her community that she loves her children as a mother should. But I can’t imagine her sons haven’t felt, in some vague, hard-to-pinpoint way, that something is missing. That can be an insidious, gaslight-y feeling, as I’ve experienced, and I can only imagine how much worse it is for a child who feels there’s something dangerous in the relationship with his mother. It might be a relief for them to be able to say “my mom left us when she found out we were smoking pot,” and have everyone understand immediately what they suffered, rather than having to wrestle with the subtle, silent emotional abuse of a mother who still shows up to sporting events and continues to be June Cleaver in public but has withdrawn all love and emotional support. Ann Hedonia, thanks for sharing your story, and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. It doesn’t seem to have gotten the message through here, but you never know who else you might reach. And to those who keep arguing over whether Declanium is a troll, please be advised that whoever or whatever that handle really is, there really are mothers in this world just like her. I have met them, spoken with them in confidence, and watched them walk away. Sweet dreams, everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/439 "2020-02-10T20:03:06Z")
> [@chela](#): > > OOh look the giraffe boards has unleashed a minion oh it’s a scary one look how badass it thinks it is, pay no attention it’s soon to slither back to base camp where they hide out jerking each off [Moderating] If you’ve got a problem with what people post on another board, go yell at them about it over there. [/Moderating] ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/440 "2020-02-10T20:29:20Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I am seeing a therapist and she is trying to deal with my depression. She knows how I feel about my sons and my emotional distancing. She says she’s not going to change my mind in this. And again, she stressed that this could be the beginning of their end to a drug addicted future but they must suffer the “natural consequences” of their drug use. I use quotes because she uses that term so frequently it’s become a mantra. > That’s the only way of saving them. Suffering the natural consequences of their use. Legal, like a DUI or if they’re caught with it (illegal here) or social (a friend/girlfriend may think less of them for using it) or failing out of college or health-wise (lung illness). > So maybe now you see where I’m coming from. > She’s basically tied my hands until they suffer some awful consequence. > It’s like you have to anticipate the awful thing happening to make a possible change. And she stressed possible. This isn’t about them. This is about you and your history with addiction. Isn’t it? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=21) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=23)