# Declanium is a sorry excuse for a mother. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 6, 2020, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539 "2020-02-06T14:23:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 23
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/441 "2020-02-10T20:32:40Z")
No I’ve never done drugs I average a glass of wine every month Coffee once in a while Healthy diet No addiction issues ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/442 "2020-02-10T20:46:57Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > No > I’ve never done drugs > I average a glass of wine every month > Coffee once in a while > Healthy diet > No addiction issues Were your parents addicts? Family members? Somewhere you got these extreme notions about drugs. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/443 "2020-02-10T20:47:33Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > No > I’ve never done drugs > I average a glass of wine every month > Coffee once in a while > Healthy diet > No addiction issues I mean the addiction history you alluded to in your family. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/444 "2020-02-10T20:49:45Z")
No addiction in my family But my husband’s brother is an alcoholic As is his other brother’s son And his other brother’s daughter had a drug problem that led to her losing custody of her child and then ultimately incarceration ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/445 "2020-02-10T20:56:11Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > So maybe now you see where I’m coming from. > She’s basically tied my hands until they suffer some awful consequence. > It’s like you have to anticipate the awful thing happening to make a possible change. And she stressed possible. Really not sure what you’re expecting her to do, here… How is she supposed to change what YOUR sons are doing? And just because something is possible doesn’t make it probable. It’s possible that, after years of simple social drinking, my next evening out will spark my underlying obsession with alcohol, and I’ll become hopelessly addicted to it, never to recover. Possible. Won’t happen, but possible. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/446 "2020-02-10T20:57:35Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > No addiction in my family > But my husband’s brother is an alcoholic > As is his other brother’s son > And his other brother’s daughter had a drug problem that led to her losing custody of her child and then ultimately incarceration And, of course, your kids share their genealogy. Is that the basis of your fear? ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/447 "2020-02-10T20:57:54Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > No addiction in my family > But my husband’s brother is an alcoholic > As is his other brother’s son > And his other brother’s daughter had a drug problem that led to her losing custody of her child and then ultimately incarceration That sucks for them. Maybe they had a mother who decided it was a good idea to withhold her love from them after they experimented with weed as a kid ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/448 "2020-02-10T21:29:33Z")
Yes Quicksilver And to kovitlac they weren’t experimenting They had a $1000 habit for 10 months More than “trying it” ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/449 "2020-02-10T21:36:38Z")
My husband’s niece lost custody of her child because while high on weed, she let her toddler walk into a space heater and get severely burned. Then she was caught driving the child around with weed in the car. Then she went to prison. Not such a harmless activity ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/450 "2020-02-10T21:44:35Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > My husband’s niece lost custody of her child because while high on weed, she let her toddler walk into a space heater and get severely burned. Then she was caught driving the child around with weed in the car. > Then she went to prison. > Not such a harmless activity Don’t blame the weed. As you surely must be aware one can be an absolutely terrible fucking parent without smoking weed. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/451 "2020-02-10T21:49:15Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Yes Quicksilver > And to kovitlac they weren’t experimenting > They had a $1000 habit for 10 months > More than “trying it” Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say that they spent a hundred bucks a month for ten months? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/452 "2020-02-10T21:57:35Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > But I disagree. It is NOT well within normal parameters of teenage behavior. Not at all. > Again only 30 pct of teenagers have smoked pot by 12th grade. > The majority do not. Those are the normal teens who probably talk back, get bad grades, maybe break curfew. So it turns out that my 17-year-old has actually tried pot a half-dozen times, not twice like i had originally believed. Let’s see how he rates on Declanium’s other points of normal teenage behavior: - Talk back: rarely enough that I’m surprised when he does. - Get bad grades: B+ average. Got into all 6 of the colleges he applied to. - Break curfew: He doesn’t have a set curfew. It depends on what he has planned for the night, and with the wonderful world of cellphones, he can keep in touch if he’s going to be later than expected. He usually gets home by like 11 or so or stays over wherever he is. So, Declanium, is my kid normal? ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/453 "2020-02-10T21:59:20Z")
I guess this is the wrong audience. I see on a Grown and Flown page that if a kid is smoking weed it is given the proper attention. Not a “it’s just a rite of passage.” Ppl there discuss rehab and yes, more so, natural consequences like prison to deal with it If a parent just sits back and loves, that’s viewed as enabling ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/454 "2020-02-10T22:02:10Z")
Green Bean My kids were smoking for 10 months Not six times Big difference Spent all savings on it ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/455 "2020-02-10T22:03:25Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Yes Quicksilver > And to kovitlac they weren’t experimenting > They had a $1000 habit for 10 months > More than “trying it” Agreed. $1000 is non-trivial and 10 months is more than just trying it at a party. But again, this is well within the normal behavior pattern of teens (14 & 16). They don’t have very good judgement overall, and certainly their finances don’t need to cover things like rent and food because it’s provided for them. So spending money on something they want/like without reflecting if it’s reasonable or even good for them, is a common problem at that age. Not saying it’s excusable. Just not dis-ownable. Your fears are justifiable. Your (over)reactions are not. They have not done the things you fear they might do. But tell them what you’re most afraid of and why. And not that they might be responsible for hurting their own child years from now. That’s too far in the future for them to be able to relate to that possibility. Tell them what you’re afraid of that they’ll do tomorrow or next weekend if they smoke pot. Talk about those things. Don’t let them think you’ve already charted, plotted and dismissed their lives as losers, drug addicts and criminals. That’s a shitty thing to hear from your mom. Don’t do that. Support them, don’t write them off. That’s still your job. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/456 "2020-02-10T22:17:13Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Green Bean > My kids were smoking for 10 months > Not six times > Big difference So wait, is my kid doomed to a lifetime of addiction and failure or not? ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/457 "2020-02-10T22:18:07Z")
No, Green Bean, he’s good imo ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/458 "2020-02-10T22:36:12Z")
I haven’t really smoked pot since college and I’ve never paid for the weed I’ve smoked but I’m curious about the $100/month being spent on weed. It really doesn’t seem like that much to me. From looking at the websites for the dispensaries in Colorado it seems weed is selling for about [$200/oz](https://marijuanarates.com/colorado-marijuana-prices/). So these two kids are buying about half an oz per month. That really doesn’t seem like a lot to me. Hell, one of my buddies freshman year of college was a major drug dealer and 20 of us smoked a brick one night and hot boxed a hotel room. That’s at least an oz per person in a night so an eighth for two per weekend seems like nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/459 "2020-02-10T22:54:27Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Green Bean > My kids were smoking for 10 months > Not six times > Big difference > Spent all savings on it My husband had a pot habit for most of high school. He then went on to Stanford, and then got his PhD in computer engineering from University of California. He has a successful career in Silicon Valley. You are massively over-reacting and if you take the scared straight route, you will accomplish nothing more than their derision, or worse. Talking about your concerns is fine. Believing whole-heartedly that they are completely unworth your time or attention, nor are their future children, says a lot more about your issues than it does about theirs. ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2020, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/460 "2020-02-10T23:02:56Z")
> [@Oredigger77](#): > > I haven’t really smoked pot since college and I’ve never paid for the weed I’ve smoked but I’m curious about the $100/month being spent on weed. It really doesn’t seem like that much to me. From looking at the websites for the dispensaries in Colorado it seems weed is selling for about [$200/oz](https://marijuanarates.com/colorado-marijuana-prices/). So these two kids are buying about half an oz per month. That really doesn’t seem like a lot to me. Hell, one of my buddies freshman year of college was a major drug dealer and 20 of us smoked a brick one night and hot boxed a hotel room. That’s at least an oz per person in a night so an eighth for two per weekend seems like nothing. Here in TX where it is not legal a .25 oz of good weed goes for about $120. Schwag used to go for about $30 for .25 oz. I don’t even know if schwag is still available. Haven’t seen it in years. So, if her local prices are like ours then $100 a month is less than a quarter a month. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=22) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=24)