# Declanium is a sorry excuse for a mother. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 6, 2020, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539 "2020-02-06T14:23:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 26
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/501 "2020-02-11T17:53:12Z")
In reality I don’t think they would have accepted my kids doing drugs. No. Or me doing drugs for that matter. I grew up in the city and it was on my doorstep so to speak. Going downtown to stores i would see the junkies sleeping on the streets. My father would mutter, “drugs.” I didn’t want that future. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/502 "2020-02-11T18:02:12Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I felt loved. Don’t know about unconditionally. > I was definitely a good kid. Who was very conscious of being a good kid. No drug, no sex, good grades - almost internally motivated to stick to straight and narrow. Just to play armchair psychoanalyst, I think we are seeing the source of the issue; why were you so conscious of being a good kid? That sounds almost pathological and I think may explain why you’re so upset that your sons _didn’t_ stick to the straight and narrow. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/503 "2020-02-11T18:09:21Z")
I was a good kid because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. They worked hard and it was a sign of respect and love that I follow their rules. My sister too. But drugs never interested me. Not after seeing all the junkies. It was my own version of Scared Straight ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/504 "2020-02-11T18:15:30Z")
[German/Austrian accent] What if what you wanted was different than what your parents wanted? Would you do what they wanted not to disappoint them? Say they wanted you to join the cross-country team but you wanted to join the drama club and act in the spring play? Which would you have done? The source of your difficulty accepting your sons despite their relatively minor transgression is in your pathological need to please your parents. [/German/Austrian accent] ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/505 "2020-02-11T18:21:58Z")
Well, (lying back) My dad strongly encouraged me to be a nurse (good employment prospects) but I couldn’t handle the blood drawing that would be entailed. So I didn’t follow that advice. He didn’t push it that much tho. As I said, it was more of an internal motivation to be good. I was the kind of kid who came home from school and immediately did homework - no prompting from anyone. If I had a test, I would look over my notes days in advance. A desire to succeed even if it wasn’t necessarily “enforced.” ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/506 "2020-02-11T18:27:58Z")
But if you had fucked up, if you had been weaker willed, led astray by a charismatic friend, would you have expected them to stop talking to you forever over that? To be so disgusted by you that they didn’t want to look at you? Permanently? ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/507 "2020-02-11T18:33:15Z")
If by “fucked up,” you mean picked up a drug habit, then yes, I suspect they would have disowned me. Wasn’t a lot of tolerance for drug use or alcoholism in my family. There was one rumored alcoholic relative who was cut off by the family. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/508 "2020-02-11T18:42:01Z")
What just strikes me as so weird, is the priority drug use seems to have for this parent. I’ve got no issue with a parent being surprised, displeased, whatever to find out that their minor child was doing drugs. But the speed with which this parent ramped up their reaction from 1 to a zillion - and has resisted ANY consideration of stepping back from that extreme - is truly impressive. And, like I said, while I wouldn’t have been thrilled to learn that my high schooler was smoking pot regularly, I (and apparently most folk other than **Declanium** ) can think of countless things that would be worse. Her persistence and extremism is truly impressive. ---
**Author:** ![SpoilerVirgin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@SpoilerVirgin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpoilerVirgin)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/509 "2020-02-11T18:43:42Z")
**Declianium** - I have just one question for you. Do you honestly believe that your sons’ lives will be better if you cut them off? ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/510 "2020-02-11T18:45:54Z")
Yes, admittedly, drug use is a big issue for me. It is probably the thing that scares me most. As they say you are always one decision away from a completely different life. And I know My kids made the bad decision to veer off into this way of life ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/511 "2020-02-11T18:47:12Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I felt loved. Don’t know about unconditionally. > I was definitely a good kid. Who was very conscious of being a good kid. No drug, no sex, good grades - almost internally motivated to stick to straight and narrow. > Was very upset when they died. 2005 and 2015. > They would be very disappointed in their grandkids. Or, since they seem to have actually been loving parents, maybe they’d understand that teenagers make mistakes and piss off their parents from time to time. Just a thought. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/512 "2020-02-11T18:50:09Z")
Spoiler Virgin, I don’t know. I’m wrestling with that now If I leave it could go two ways: They could be ok with their dad - smoke weed and take life as it comes. Or it could fill them with resentment and they self-destruct more quickly. If I stay Then I could potentially still screw them up by being the constant reminder of how they have messed up our relationship It’s like a no-win ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/513 "2020-02-11T18:50:39Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > What just strikes me as so weird, is the priority drug use seems to have for this parent. I’ve got no issue with a parent being surprised, displeased, whatever to find out that their minor child was doing drugs. But the speed with which this parent ramped up their reaction from 1 to a zillion - and has resisted ANY consideration of stepping back from that extreme - is truly impressive. > > And, like I said, while I wouldn’t have been thrilled to learn that my high schooler was smoking pot regularly, I (and apparently most folk other than **Declanium** ) can think of countless things that would be worse. > > Her persistence and extremism is truly impressive. I find it hilarious that she’d be totes cool with them drinking or having sex, as long as they aren’t doing weed. Because, y’know, the consequences for irresponsible weed use are totally on par with consequences for irresponsible drinking and unprotected sex. And she wonders why we’re all against her, and why many have already labeled her a troll. Because she doesn’t actually LISTEN to anyone here. She’s too obsessed over the image in her head of the perfect family and perfect sons who never put one toe out of line, lest they be unloved and disowned. ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/514 "2020-02-11T18:51:57Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Then I could potentially still screw them up by being the constant reminder of how \*they \*have messed up our relationship Oh no, dear. That’s \*all \*you. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/515 "2020-02-11T18:58:07Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Spoiler Virgin, I don’t know. > I’m wrestling with that now > If I leave it could go two ways: > They could be ok with their dad - smoke weed and take life as it comes. Or it could fill them with resentment and they self-destruct more quickly. > If I stay > Then I could potentially still screw them up by being the constant reminder of how they have messed up our relationship > It’s like a no-win It’s clear that your sons will be better off without you in their life. And I’m not being cruel unnecessarily, but trying to make you understand that your absolutist position and unwillingness to accept faults in others is going to damage them severely. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/516 "2020-02-11T19:00:54Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > If I stay > Then I could potentially still screw them up by being the constant reminder of how they have messed up our relationship > It’s like a no-win There you go, blaming your kids for your relationship again._You’re_ the one messing up your relationship, not them. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/517 "2020-02-11T19:03:29Z")
They. Did. The. Drugs. I didn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/518 "2020-02-11T19:04:53Z")
No accountability for them? Really ? ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/519 "2020-02-11T19:05:14Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > They. Did. The. Drugs. > I didn’t. You are insane. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/520 "2020-02-11T19:06:43Z")
Ok All drug users are not accountable for their actions. Interesting. Wonder if it would stand in court of law. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=25) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=27)