# Declanium is a sorry excuse for a mother. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 6, 2020, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539 "2020-02-06T14:23:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 29
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/561 "2020-02-11T21:08:40Z")
I think it’s bigger than baby steps. It must have been hard for you. But I really think your sons will change their attitude to you once they see you are making a real effort. Good job. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/562 "2020-02-11T21:17:31Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Whatever. > It’s done. > I’m staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them. > And nothing. Still frosty. > So there ya go, big guys. > Where’s the advice now? > Watching thread die. How would you react in a similar situation if it was reversed? What if your husband said “I’m totally disappointed that you did X. I’m going to pull back and cut you out of my life unless you give up X.” Imagine him doing things like looking at apartments and investigating divorce. Then 1.5 months later he says he’s sorry and he overreacted. How would you react? How long would it take for you to get back to the loving relationship you had before your husband said that to you? What would your H have to do to repair the relationship? ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/563 "2020-02-11T21:21:43Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Possibly. > But it’s baby steps It’s a good start. You made the right decision. Well done. Just make sure you continue to get treatment for your depression. Best of luck to all of you. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/564 "2020-02-11T21:27:51Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > You are all so much better than me. > Sleep well in that knowledge. > Thank you to the ppl who actually did try to help > As for the rest, with their glib comments like “need to be bombed 24/7 with her as mother” and “pass the spliff,” well, hope you enjoyed your mockery. > You don’t know if my kids were going thru a phase or whether it’s as I suspect, a life style choice they will lead to lousy lives but you’ll be happy you participated in being shitty to a depressed woman. This is the BBQ Pit. Mockery is one of the risks you take when you post here. Go back to your original thread if you don’t want to be mocked. People are required to not be so offensive in that forum. And sometimes the advice you need to hear isn’t always the advice you seek. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/565 "2020-02-11T22:49:40Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > They. Did. The. Drugs. > I didn’t. > [@Cheesesteak](#): > > You. Are. Severing. The. Relationship. > > They. Are. Not. > You are accountable for the things you do, they are accountable for the things they do. > > They smoke weed. > You end your relationship with your children. This. Conflict almost always starts small and builds. You built a lot more than they did. > [@Declanium](#): > > Whatever. > It’s done. > I’m staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them. > And nothing. Still frosty. > So there ya go, big guys. > Where’s the advice now? > Watching thread die. Best wishes. Advice: See a therapist. Show both threads to your therapist. Seek support from your therapist, and also from your friends and family. Are you religious? If you are Christian, you might want to pray for guidance and support. And for the strength to forgive. Also, try baking cookies with your sons, if that’s something they like to do with you. Sometimes just practicing kindness and togetherness can help. “fake it 'til you make it.” ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2020, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/566 "2020-02-11T23:01:04Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Thank you to the ppl who actually did try to help > … > You don’t know if my kids were going thru a phase or whether it’s as I suspect, a life style choice they will lead to lousy lives but you’ll be happy you participated in being shitty to a depressed woman. Everyone tried to help you. People were a LOT more forgiving in your initial thread. You just never actually listen to ANYONE but yourself, and people here are sick of it. Oh goodie, here’s that world’s tiniest violin… ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2020, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/567 "2020-02-12T00:40:43Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Watching thread die. Of course it’s going to die. A premature horrible lonely death. Because it smoked a blunt when it was 17. ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2020, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/568 "2020-02-12T01:38:33Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Drug use comes with a whole host of health issues - > Brain development issues, lung illness, arrhythmia, heart issues. And could also lead to addiction (because my family has addiction issues) So does anything that you ingest into your body, including air and water. Sure you can find papers suggesting harms (as well as benefits) from cannabis. You can find much scarier papers on the harms caused by alcohol. You can find studies on the harms of half the ingredients you find in modern processed foods – stuff like MSG, certain food colorings, processed meats, preservatives like sodium nitrite, and trans fats, among many others, some of which have definite links to many types of cancer and other diseases. So are you going to disown your sons because you found them eating a hot dog? You have two specific problems. One is you know nothing about cannabis, and continue to know nothing despite people’s efforts to educate you, yet you’re a complete fanatic about it, a true paranoid nutcase. You only know the scary-sounding umbrella terms “drugs” and “drug use”, and there your knowledge ends. The states that legalized cannabis for recreational use, and the majority states that legalized it for medical use, are well aware of its downsides, but are also aware that in moderation the risks and downsides are not worth worrying about, and in many cases are outweighed by specific medical benefits. Your second problem is the incredible hostility with which you attacked your kids because something they were doing hit your fanatic hot button. According to the CDC around 37 million Americans smoked weed last year. I’m sure they weren’t all disowned by their allegedly formerly loving parents. You should sincerely apologize to your kids for being so misguided, and then leave them alone to do what kids do, keeping an eye out for real dangers like unsafe driving, alcohol abuse, or doing anything including cannabis to excess. It’s virtually impossible to overdose on cannabis, but it IS possible – especially with today’s potencies and with edibles – to have too much in the psychological sense, so that you have a bad experience. And doing it every day is not a good idea, because it can potentially create psychological dependence. This is the kind of information you should share with your kids, and then leave them alone. > [@Declanium](#): > > Drugs can lead to disease, death, homelessness, bankruptcy, losing custody, divorce You mention death but you should add “murder”. Proof of all this is found in the fine documentary film _Reefer Madness_, which a few may have taken seriously in 1936, but which subsequently became regarded as unintentional campy comedy because of the sheer ignorance on display. Notable critics have called it “the worst film ever made”. It appears to be your primary source of information and guidance. ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2020, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/569 "2020-02-12T02:28:34Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Whatever. > It’s done. > I’m staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them. > And nothing. Still frosty. > So there ya go, big guys. > Where’s the advice now? > Watching thread die. I’ll add one more thing, to respond to that. Maybe things are frosty because instead of acting like a loving and caring mother, you were channeling [Harry J. Anslinger](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_J._Anslinger). Instead of hitting the roof like an anti-drug crusading lunatic just because your kids are doing exactly what very likely all of their friends are doing – and kids just like them have been widely doing for about the past 60 years – try to understand their position and give them some leeway. I can fully appreciate “no alcohol” and “no recreational drugs” policies when there are good and valid reasons for them in specific cases where there are repeated abuses and problematic situations, or prohibitions against genuinely dangerous things like tobacco and hard drugs, but not against relatively innocuous substances based only on your idiotic beliefs. Trust me, they know more about this stuff than I probably do, and certainly more than you, who know nothing about it at all. So their current attitude is probably that their mother is a moron. ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2020, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/570 "2020-02-12T03:34:41Z")
Declanium, you’ve been saying over and over that actions have consequences. In your mind, that has been your justification for emotionally abusing your children because they used drugs. You’re finding out now that what it really means is that emotionally abusing your children will damage your relationship with them. They apologized when you found out they were smoking weed. You didn’t accept their apology and instead withdrew the foundation of all emotional security, your parental love. And now that you’ve apologized-- how many days or weeks later?-- you’re butt-hurt that they’re still “frosty”? I’m afraid to be hopeful at this point, but it would be wonderful if this were your first step toward insight. It absolutely cannot be your last if you expect any credit around here. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2020, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/571 "2020-02-14T17:47:23Z")
Turns out that toking up is the gateway to [huffing unicorn farts](https://pics.me.me/yesterday-lisa-did-just-1-marijuana-today-she-is-huffing-62132960.png). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2020, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/572 "2020-02-14T18:29:13Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Whatever. > It’s done. > I’m staying. I apologized to the kids. Told them I was coming from a place of love. That I had just been afraid for them. > And nothing. Still frosty. > So there ya go, big guys. > Where’s the advice now? > Watching thread die. Like others have said: 1. You did the right thing, in staying and apologizing. 2. Just remember that, before you did the right thing, you were doing something really wrong and hurtful to them. Which is why they’re frosty. Expect that to take a while for them to get over. 3. So you’ve got to be willing to give it time. And give them love that doesn’t have any preconditions or time limits on it. It takes more than an apology to set something like this right again: it takes living like you mean it. Not just for a day, not just for a week, but for as long as it takes. Change is never easy. So good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2020, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/573 "2020-02-14T18:37:36Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > you’ll be happy you participated in being shitty to a depressed woman. I am. Thank you for this insanity it’s kept me and my wife laughing all week. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2020, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/574 "2020-02-14T18:42:48Z")
D You may find this web site useful. > **[Partnership to End Addiction | Where Families Find Answers](https://drugfree.org/)** > > Partnership to End Addiction is the nationâs leading organization dedicated to addiction prevention, treatment and recovery. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2020, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/575 "2020-02-21T22:38:40Z")
Nos she’s trying to resurrect her fame with a [new thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=890442). ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2020, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/576 "2020-02-22T00:43:00Z")
I always misread her username as “Delirium”, which is very appropriate. I think she should change it to that. ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2020, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/577 "2020-02-22T02:24:05Z")
> [@ratatoskK](#): > > Nos she’s trying to resurrect her fame with a [new thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=890442). And you had to resurrect this thread to announce the fact? Thanks a ton. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=28)