# Declanium is a sorry excuse for a mother. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 6, 2020, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539 "2020-02-06T14:23:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/161 "2020-02-07T02:03:48Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I do see that it’s sad. I think they are hoping that I can move forward from this. You can. The choice is entirely yours. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/162 "2020-02-07T02:23:02Z")
It’s so difficult because I’ve heard of a friend of my sister’s who has a 23 year old son back home after graduating college. He’s in their basement smoking weed all day. Not looking for work. No regard for her house rules. I mean. I can’t be that mom in 5 years. If I fold now, then that situation may be my future? ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/163 "2020-02-07T02:30:07Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > It’s so difficult because I’ve heard of a friend of my sister’s who has a 23 year old son back home after graduating college. He’s in their basement smoking weed all day. Not looking for work. No regard for her house rules. I mean. I can’t be that mom in 5 years. > If I fold now, then that situation may be my future? You are actively driving yourself towards that future with this petty bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/164 "2020-02-07T02:34:17Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > It’s so difficult because I’ve heard of a friend of my sister’s who has a 23 year old son back home after graduating college. He’s in their basement smoking weed all day. Not looking for work. No regard for her house rules. I mean. I can’t be that mom in 5 years. > If I fold now, then that situation may be my future? According to your own posts, you have already folded. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/165 "2020-02-07T02:54:17Z")
> [@Larry\_Borgia](#): > > She’s been on this board since 2015, and posted infrequently about run of the mill stuff. Trolls don’t wait 4+ years to start trolling. Yeah, but a number of socks have fit that same pattern. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/166 "2020-02-07T02:54:44Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > It’s so difficult… You seem really stressed. I wonder if your kids have anything that’d help with that? :~} Seriously, sharing one joint with them would do a huge amount of healing (them and you). Bonus points if you start giggling, then coughing because you’re such a N00b and they get to laugh at you… ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/167 "2020-02-07T03:10:48Z")
> [@tricoteuse](#): > > The time my son stole my then husband’s credit card, he charged up thousands of dollars of electronics and clothes and fast food among other stuff. He stole the bills out of the mail, and thank God my ex always paid attention to what bills came when and called the credit card company when he didn’t get the bill. Otherwise we would have been nailed with late fees and interest and potentially trashed our credit. > > Call me silly but I think that’s worse than smoking a couple blunts. > > The funny thing is he’s Mr. Budget now like his dad 😃 Your son charged thousands of dollars in electronics, clothes and food plus more and you never noticed? It was only because your ex thank god anticipated the bills. Where the fuc were you while junior was living large on your dime and you never noticed? Thetre’s a reason you are an ex. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/168 "2020-02-07T03:33:00Z")
The blatant trolling of talking about the SD Potheads (an insult) suggests to me that she’s the same troll behind saucywench. They may feel emboldened to think socks of that type can’t be figured out. I again say that said poster is the same poster as Charlie Wayne, as that’s the only way his comment in that thread made any sense. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/169 "2020-02-07T03:33:58Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > (snip) > > Social workers are lovely people and they do the lord’s work, but they are not mental health professionals of the type you are desperately in need of. Actually, a social worker is probably the very best person she could be seeing. (Assuming this is not all just trollish fiction, of course.) You might be thinking of a case worker, the sort who works for Child Protective Services or as a school counselor. But there’s another type of social work, clinical social work, whose practitioners are therapists and counselors. The educational and experience requirements for licensure are higher than any mental health professional other than psychiatrists and psychologists. LCSWs are trained to examine the whole family and identify dysfunctional patterns. Annnd I think everyone in this thread can see the dysfunctional dynamic in **Declanium** ’s family. **Slow Moving Vehicle** , husband, son, brother, and best friend of Licensed Clinical Social Workers. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/170 "2020-02-07T03:42:44Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > But it’s pretty obvious why I don’t want them. It’s not gonna be a mystery to them in life. > Drugs and their use/abuse of them is the reason. Drugs are bad, mmkay. > [@What\_Exit](#): > > **See …** > > Troll, only a troll would say this, in this day and age. Come on people, no one thinks this way anymore. Sadly, that’s not true. There are still some ignorant people who fall for this crap. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/171 "2020-02-07T04:03:04Z")
**Declanium** sounds as if all of her knowledge of marijuana has come from watching _Reefer Madness_. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/172 "2020-02-07T04:09:22Z")
assuming this whole thing isnt more scripted than the main event at WWE’s next wrestle mania just outta curiosity, i wonder if shes had some traumatic experience with someone whos has done drugs like having been abused by someone or had a relative or someone close suffer through a horror and just switched to: most drugs are evil mind set ---
**Author:** ![snfaulkner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snfaulkner/32/433_2.png) [@snfaulkner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snfaulkner)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/173 "2020-02-07T04:20:46Z")
> [@nightshadea](#): > > assuming this whole thing isnt more scripted than the main event at WWE’s next wrestle mania just outta curiosity, i wonder if shes had some traumatic experience with someone whos has done drugs like having been abused by someone or had a relative or someone close suffer through a horror and just switched to: most drugs are evil mind set Her junkie husband and his family, is my guess. Or holy roller parents who disowned her for something equally petty. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/174 "2020-02-07T04:48:36Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I’m seeing the therapist because she suggested it. She says she’s worried about me. Depression. When I express these thoughts of my sons’ bleak futures, she just says there’s no guarantee either way. They could be drug addicts living in the street or they could be ok. But the fact that she’s definitely voice her concern especially about the youngest makes me believe that she knows that the drug addict path is more likely. In other words, the therapist says they may be perfectly fine; but you’re ignoring that and imagining that she said something else entirely which fits better into what you want to believe. > [@Declanium](#): > > prior to finding this out on Christmas Day, we had spent Xmas eve together, . And do you think they magically turned into entirely different people by Christmas night, because you found out they’d been smoking pot? They were the exact same people on Christmas Eve. Those people you spent Christmas Eve with (presuming that they actually exist) are the ones you now want to cut out of your life. > [@QuickSilver](#): > > If you were such a blast to be around, why the fuck were they smoking pot for 10 months? To be fair, quite possibly because they thought it was fun. I smoked a lot of pot in my late teens and early twenties, and it had nothing to do with how I was getting along with my parents. I got along pretty well with my parents. I just liked the way the music sounded when I was stoned. (Eventually I got tired of being stoned, and stopped. Lots of people do.) ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/175 "2020-02-07T04:50:28Z")
She claims that she has a husband. If so, I feel sorry for him too. He’s probably been so emotionally abused, he can’t see a way out of that marriage, with or without the kids. ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/176 "2020-02-07T04:58:06Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > **Declanium** sounds as if all of her knowledge of marijuana has come from watching _Reefer Madness_. I was going to make a separate comment on that, but this quote provides a good context. I’ll assume that **Declanium** is actually legit and not just a script-kiddie troll. **Declanium** , I’m not going to pile on here about whether you’re a bad mother or a well-intentioned but crappy one, or whether or not you’re just a troll. I’ll say one simple thing: you know _ **nothing** _ about cannabis (weed, marijuana, whatever you want to call it). Absolutely nothing. A major influence on its present federal status in the US and in many other countries around the world was a [corrupt self-serving racist named Harry J. Anslinger](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_J._Anslinger). Read the article. With Prohibition coming to an end, he needed a new cause, and the demonization of marijuana in his new role at the Federal Bureau of Narcotics served just the purpose. He had two main causes – as a hateful racist even by the racist standards of the 1920s, he associated marijuana use with black jazz musicians and sought to have every last one of them thrown in jail, and he perpetrated the myth that cannabis causes “insanity” that leads to murder. One of his most famous quotes was “reefer makes darkies think they’re as good as white men.” In support of the latter, he compiled something called the “Gore files” which supposedly documented 200 violent crimes caused by marijuana. Eventually, out of the 200, 198 were proven to be wrongly attributed to marijuana, and the remaining two could be neither proven nor disproven due to lack of evidence. I believe that these files became part of the basis of the unintentionally comical movie _Reefer Madness_. **Declanium** , a good mother makes an effort to understand what she’s dealing with. This is now 2020. We don’t talk about “drugs are drugs” as if they were all identical, nor about “gateway drugs” any more. Cannabis is not heroin or meth and does not lead to them or anything else. Give your kids a break and let them be normal. More than half a dozen US states have legalized cannabis for recreational use, and the majority have legalized it for medical use. But $1000 a year on weed sounds like a lot. You may need to get them to cut down. I hate to say this since you seem to be insane about the subject, but there is _ **some** _ medical evidence that greatly excessive cannabis consumption can have adverse effects on a still-developing adolescent brain. But – let me re-iterate – otherwise you’re wrong about everything and I feel sorry for your kids. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/177 "2020-02-07T04:58:54Z")
$1,000 a year? You might want to have a talk about comparison shopping with them. Or you can admit you are trolling here. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/178 "2020-02-07T05:07:33Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > No problems with adults or authorities…other than us, that is. > And again, booze is more normalized. At least here where we live. More relatable too. I can see if he would have a drink and then see how he felt. With weed, it’s more risky. Once you have the stuff in your system, it’s in there. You have to ride it thru. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. I don’t believe you can become physically addicted to weed the way you can with alcohol – alcohol addiction will PHYSICALLY kill you. I’ve seen the effects of alcoholism in my family, and sadly in one case, it ended up being fatal. You can become psychologically addicted to smoking weed, probably, but not like alcohol. You don’t go through withdrawal symptoms, the way you do with alcoholism. And I thought MY mother was ignorant about pot. She hates the idea of it being legal, and buys into the whole “gateway drug” bullshit, but damn. This is just…I can’t even. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/179 "2020-02-07T05:10:48Z")
Regarding “gateway drugs”: Guess what drug basically 100% of addicts used first, and because of their age at the time, it was indeed illegal? That drug is nicotine/tobacco. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2020, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539/180 "2020-02-07T05:37:26Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Yeah, I could deal with all of the other teenage stuff - but not drugs. They knew from an early age that was my Achilles heel. Sex, taking the car, all easier than drugs. I see a glimmer of hope in this post. You recognize that you are extra-sensitive to issues surrounding “drug” use (have to scare-quote it because you give a pass to some potentially life-ruining drugs like alcohol). It’s possible this recognizance will lead to you consider that given your hyper-sensitivity you can’t be objective about this. But you seem to look at it as, _“My sons knew I’m not rational about drug use so they never should have done drugs in the first place”_ instead of,\* “I know that I’m not rational about drug use so if my sons ever use drugs I’m going to have to be very careful how I handle it.”\* Maybe you will take some time to calm down (your sons could use a little time too–maybe call a truce for the moment?) and think about various approaches to what is clearly a tough situation. I’d think you want to be very careful here as you yourself have made clear this will affect your relationships with your sons for the rest of your life. That’s big. Think long and carefully. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/declanium-is-a-sorry-excuse-for-a-mother/847539.md?page=10)