# Decoding femme-speak

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398>\
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion\
**Created:** [August 24, 2003, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398 "2003-08-24T22:39:54Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\
**Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/1 "2003-08-24T22:39:54Z")

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**This thread has rules: First, this is not a female-bashing thread. Second, don’t take it too seriously.**

I’m a guy who is mystified by the ways of women. We just have different ways of communicating. So here’s the game. When a woman tells you something, what is she really saying? 😉 \<=== Note the wink.

**You’re sweet.** Translation: “You’re really a nice guy. You’d make a wonderful boyfriend/husband/father. For someone else. There’s not a chance in hell I’ll ever sleep with you. But I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

**It’s not you. It’s me.** Translation: “It’s you.”

**What are you thinking right now?** Translation: “Tell me you’re thinking of me, and that you love me.”

**Bonus: Male-to-female translator.** If a guy says something that can be taken either negatively or positively, he nearly always means it in a positive way.

[sub]Full disclosure: This thread is really just a humourous way for me to find out how to communicate with women, since I couldn’t catch a pass if it were a football![/sub]

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**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\
**Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/2 "2003-08-24T23:21:09Z")

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Okay, how about homme-speak?

**I’ll call you**. Sometimes I start to say something like, “not necessary” or “please, God, anything but that!” but then I realize, “I’ll call you” means “[I have no freakin’ idea what to say here, since hell will freeze over before] I’ll call you, [but I’m pretty sure she’d start crying or something if I actually said that, so I guess I’d better not].”

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**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\
**Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/3 "2003-08-24T23:28:19Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> Okay, how about homme-speak?

Fair enough. 🙂

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**Author:** ![look\_ninjas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@look\_ninjas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/look_ninjas)\
**Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/4 "2003-08-24T23:37:32Z")

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Homme-speak:

“I’m not over my ex” seems to mean “My ex will stop sleeping with me if I don’t dump you.”

But that might be femme-speak too - I’ve never been in a position to know.

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**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\
**Post date:** [August 24, 2003, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/5 "2003-08-24T23:43:30Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> “I’m not over my ex” seems to mean “My ex will stop sleeping with me if I don’t dump you.”

**I’m not over my ex.** Translation (H-to-F): “I don’t want to sleep with you, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings by turning you down flat.” (cf. **It’s not you. It’s me.** )

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**Author:** ![look\_ninjas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@look\_ninjas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/look_ninjas)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/6 "2003-08-25T00:07:47Z")

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I expect it depends on a situation. If you aren’t already dating, then “I’m not over my ex” means “I don’t want to sleep with you.” If you are already dating, “I’m not over my ex” means “I can no longer continue to sleep with both of you.”

Should have made that clearer.

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**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/7 "2003-08-25T00:22:02Z")

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Homme-speak:

I just don’t feel ready for this level of commitment. _Trans: I don’t want to be your boyfriend; I may need to sleep with other women. Tomorrow._

Let’s be friends. \*Trans: While you’re thinking about this, I will inch towards the door, and then when you blink, I will flee.[i/]

I’ll call you. _Trans: You will never see nor hear from me again._

Sorry to be so cynical. I am mostly kidding… mostly.

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**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/8 "2003-08-25T00:29:06Z")

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Hm. There seems to be more homme-speak than femme-speak in this thread. Come on, ladies! Spill! Tell us what you mean. 😃

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**Author:** ![if6was9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@if6was9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/if6was9)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/9 "2003-08-25T00:36:57Z")

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I’ve found that when women say \<insert phrase here\> it means "You’re a disgusting turd, if6was9! Go away!

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**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/10 "2003-08-25T00:48:24Z")

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When a woman uses the word “Fine” it has been my experience that she means the opposite.

Male: “How about McDonalds for dinner tonight?”  
Female: “Fine”

or

Female 1: “I can’t do x with you today because I’m seeing y”  
Female 2: “Fine”

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**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/11 "2003-08-25T00:52:58Z")

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Yep, **fine** means you will be receiving the Ice Goddess treatment.

And, when a woman asks you “how does this outfit look?” - DO NOT say “fine.” Really.

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**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/12 "2003-08-25T01:09:58Z")

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Also no matter what sort of positive way you mean it. Never, Ever, EVER tell a woman she looks big.

Leechboy made the mistake of trying to compliment me once by telling me that a t-shirt I was wearing made me look big (as in breast size). Big mistake.

I have trouble remembering that men need to be given clear directions. When I say to Leechoy “The washing needs to be put in the dryer”, he takes that as a statement of fact not an order to put washing in dryer ASAP.

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**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/13 "2003-08-25T01:29:59Z")

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One female friend of mine does this:

1. [Silence]  
(translation: “I like your haircut.”)

2. “You’ve had a haircut.”  
(translation: “I don’t like your haircut.”)

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**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/14 "2003-08-25T01:33:17Z")

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Aaah, but **leechie** , women often get upset because they have interpreted a guy’s response of “I’ll do it later” as “I have no intention of doing it at all”.

Trust me, “later” means “later”.

If the washing has been there for three days, then five minutes more won’t matter.

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**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/15 "2003-08-25T01:34:10Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> I’ll call you. \*Trans: You will never see nor hear from me again.

Actually, I beg to differ with this one – in my experience, “I think we should just be friends” translates as “You will never see nor hear from me again,” while “I’ll call you” is more like “Eighteen months from now I will reappear and expect to pick up where we left off.” I suppose, to be fair, the person in question didn’t say exactly _when_ he would call me.

I’m amazed at the inability of some individuals to understand that just because someone wanted to date you _at one time_ doesn’t necessarily mean that she will want to date you _forever_.

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**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/16 "2003-08-25T01:52:58Z")

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The one that women say all the time which causes immediate cardiac arrest is, “We need to talk,” because it means a) I’m going to ask questions you’ll never answer to my satisfaction, and will then be pissed at you, or b) I’ve found out what you did and have been pondering the type of torture you’ll face in your sleep, or c) the conclusion reached last week after four hours of talk is invalid and the issue must be revisited, or d) my ex-boyfriend is back in town and I’m considering throwing your stuff in the street.

The washing reference above is a classic example of when I’m with any of my buddies and their wife would comment, “Do you guys realize what time it is?” Glance at watch, uh-huh. “You know you have to get up in the morning.” Uh-huh. “The trash goes out tonight.” Uh-huh. “Fine!” Back into the house, at which time we exchange knowing glances, a high five, and grab another beer. 😃

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**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/17 "2003-08-25T03:04:38Z")

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Male: What do you want for your birthday?

Female: Oh, nothing - really, you don’t need to get me anything…  
Men: I think you know where this is going. 🙂

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**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/18 "2003-08-25T03:13:27Z")

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Suppose you are in the pub and a guy comes over and starts chatting you up. What do you say, and what is the translation (for both guys you’re interested in, and guys you’re not)?

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**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/19 "2003-08-25T04:01:27Z")

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Well, if I was in a pub and some guy was chatting me up — I would wonder how the heck I ended up across the pond!

Tip: if a female looks you straight in the eyes, you’re making progress.

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**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\
**Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/20 "2003-08-25T04:10:56Z")

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Please run this through your femme-translator:

“Does this dress/shirt/blouse/pants make me look fat?”

What are you really asking here? I always have to bite my lip and not recount Al Bundy’s response, “It’s not the dress that makes you look fat…” As far as the laws of physics tell me, you’re the same weight you were before you tried on the new clothes.

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