# Decoding femme-speak **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 24, 2003, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398 "2003-08-24T22:39:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Dracul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/50afbb/32.png) [@Vlad\_Dracul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Dracul)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/21 "2003-08-25T04:30:11Z")
I suspect that “does this make me look fat?” actually means “I hate my body, and I’m going to take my mind off that by hating YOU instead. Thus, I ask a question which has NO correct answer.” ---
**Author:** ![Shana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3bc359/32.png) [@Shana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shana)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/22 "2003-08-25T04:31:02Z")
If you know something is wrong and ask “What’s wrong?” - and the woman says “Nothing”…Well God help you if you say, “Oh ok.” and walk away. You’ve been warned! ---
**Author:** ![Blonde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Blonde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blonde)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/23 "2003-08-25T04:34:49Z")
When we ask if the dress/shirt/pants makes us look fat, we’ve already decided that it does - - so, your best course of action would be to say “of course not, sweetie!” and then we’ll go change into something else, as we always do. ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/24 "2003-08-25T04:38:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Horseflesh \* > \*\*Please run this through your femme-translator: > > “Does this dress/shirt/blouse/pants make me look fat?” > > What are you really asking here? I always have to bite my lip and not recount Al Bundy’s response, “It’s not the dress that makes you look fat…” As far as the laws of physics tell me, you’re the same weight you were before you tried on the new clothes. \*\* It does not matter what it means, the correct response is an emphatic, “No, dear, this dress/shirt/blouse/pants looks fabulous on you! Of course you don’t look fat in it!” ---
**Author:** ![Dogman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Dogman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogman)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/25 "2003-08-25T04:44:35Z")
Even I screwed that one up. When ms. dogman asked whether her clothing made her look fat, I always responded with the smart-ass remark ‘take it off now, so I can truly answer’, she actually smiled generally at this, since it demonstrated how much I liked to see her in the buff. Then, one day, when I thought we didn’t have enough time to ‘try on something else’, I uttered Blonde’s recommendation ‘of course not’, then I got the ‘what was that all about’ stare. After 21 years, can still manuver myself into a no-win situation. ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/26 "2003-08-25T05:21:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shana \* > \*\*If you know something is wrong and ask “What’s wrong?” - and the woman says “Nothing”…Well God help you if you say, “Oh ok.” and walk away. You’ve been warned! \*\* Yes, but sheesh. What _do_ I say? If my girlfriend answers, “Well, since you ask, it’s x,y, and z on my mind”, I’ll gladly sit down with her and offer whatever help I can, as well as a genuine listening ear. But when I hear “nothing”, my pride tells me to say “oh ok”, and walk away, even if I _know_ it’s the worst thing to do. I’m not ever going to change in that regard, because the “I’m being jerked about” alarm goes off. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/27 "2003-08-25T05:37:35Z")
“I need some space”/“I need some time apart” means “I need some time apart, so I can bone someone else, then excuse it to myself.” “You don’t like \, do you?” means “You’re in trouble for not liking my friend.” “We can still be friends, right?” means “I’m feeling horrendously guilty for dumping you, so please make it feel better.” ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/28 "2003-08-25T07:18:27Z")
How about the dreded “which shoes look better with this outfit?” translation: “I feel my period coming on and an agruement would really help to alieviate that, so since you’re so much fun to torment; I choose you as my poor sap of a victim!” ---
**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/29 "2003-08-25T07:21:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TheLoadedDog \* > \*\* the “I’m being jerked about” alarm goes off. \*\* Sometimes this is true. In my case a ‘nothing’ response usually indicates something is wrong but I have no idea what, I’m just feeling shitty and need to vent - usually at the nearest available male. **Johnny L.A.** I’m afraid I can’t help you with the bar picks ups as Leechboy and I never did the standard date thing (our version of a valentines day gift is rubber chickens). However I have noticed alot more women paying attention to Leechboy when he takes our baby out. Have you got a niece/nephew that you could babysit? Great way to meet women. Unless of course you hate children then that wont work. Maybe something small and fluffy instead, like fluffy, pink, handcuffs 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Fish\_Cheer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fish_cheer/32/17179_2.png) [@Fish\_Cheer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish_Cheer)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/30 "2003-08-25T10:27:32Z")
“It’s got nothing to do with you, but I just can’t stand being anybody’s girlfriend at the moment.” == “I just wanted to know whether I could bait you. Now get lost, so I can start over with somebody else.” ---
**Author:** ![Fish\_Cheer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fish_cheer/32/17179_2.png) [@Fish\_Cheer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish_Cheer)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/31 "2003-08-25T10:31:17Z")
“We don’t understand each other. We can’t communicate.” == “I can’t stand you disagreeing with me.” ---
**Author:** ![apricot\_syrup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@apricot\_syrup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/apricot_syrup)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/32 "2003-08-25T11:29:44Z")
Women will lie in ways that minimize their guilt / minimize the chances of a physical confrontation. This is the essence of femme speak. ---
**Author:** ![Fish\_Cheer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fish_cheer/32/17179_2.png) [@Fish\_Cheer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish_Cheer)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/33 "2003-08-25T11:41:11Z")
Hmm… I’d rather call it fiddling. But seconded. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/34 "2003-08-25T12:05:49Z")
**leechbabe** : I don’t do the “bar thing”. There’s only one pub I go to, and that’s only for their excellent fish’n’chips. The nephew is a little big to be a babe magnet. > [@](#): > > In my case a ‘nothing’ response usually indicates something is wrong but I have no idea what, I’m just feeling shitty and need to vent - usually at the nearest available male. I thought **Nothing** meant: Something is wrong, but you have to ask me questions to find out what it is. > [@](#): > > “You don’t like \, do you?” means “You’re in trouble for not liking my friend.” Depends on the inflection and the person. It could also mean: You’d better not like this person. ---
**Author:** ![the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f1d935/32.png) [@the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_Scarlet_Pimpernel)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/35 "2003-08-25T12:44:37Z")
Yeah, “Nothing” means “Something is wrong, but I need reassurances that you are concerned about me, so if you keep asking questions I will feel that you care about me and are taking an interest in my feelings.” She translates “Oh, ok”-and-walking-away as “I’m not really concerned about you.” That’s why she blows up. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/36 "2003-08-25T18:37:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Johnny L.A. \* > \*\*I thought **Nothing** meant: Something is wrong, but you have to ask me questions to find out what it is. > > \*\* It could mean that, but like " I’ll call you" in Homme-speak, it could mean something else too. And woe be you if you try to ask more questions… " Nothing" can mean " Nothing that I’m going to talk to _you_ about you insensitive bitch/bastard, because you’re the reason I’m miserable and I’m not going to give you the satifaction of knowing it!" This inflection, unlike the other, is also appropriate for use with parents and friends as well as SOs. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/37 "2003-08-25T18:44:06Z")
[Baby Blues - Hirsute](http://www.babyblues.com/archive/index.php?formname=getstrip&GoToDay=02/10/96) , when she asks you how she looks. ---
**Author:** ![j.c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/73ab20/32.png) [@j.c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j.c)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/38 "2003-08-25T23:32:39Z")
“Okay. I understand now. It won’t happen again.” Homme-speak translation: “Thank god you finally shut up.” **leechbabe** > [@](#): > > I have trouble remembering that men need to be given clear directions. When I say to Leechoy “The washing needs to be put in the dryer”, he takes that as a statement of fact not an order to put washing in dryer ASAP. You let leechboy touch the laundry? I got tired of replacing all my clothes every month. ---
**Author:** ![Harborwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Harborwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harborwolf)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/39 "2003-08-25T23:52:39Z")
my girlfriends favorite: Me: What do you want to eat? Her: I don’t know. You decide. Translation: I don’t know what I want for dinner, but I do know what I don’t want. This leads to me making one or two suggestions and getting glared at for even think of calling that food. One last thing, I do the wash in my family. Men can grasp the concept of a washer and dryer. ---
**Author:** ![sleepytimebaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@sleepytimebaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sleepytimebaby)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398/40 "2003-08-26T01:09:08Z")
Male: “You are too smart for me”= Take this statement very seriously because I have some serious issues that I would not want to tarnish your perfection with. LOL hahahhahhahahhahahahah I love this thread! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-femme-speak/197398.md?page=3)