# decoding man-speak **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 26, 2005, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097 "2005-04-26T00:44:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![huk24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f0a364/32.png) [@huk24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/huk24)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/1 "2005-04-26T00:44:10Z")
How was your day? _I don’t really give a f_ck, but I want sex later so I’d better appear interested.\* I like that dress on you. _It distracts my eye from your fat ass._ That was the best sex EVER! _After being denied sex for a week, any cracker is a banquet to a starving man. I’ve had better._ Nothing is wrong, I’m fine! _FFS woman, go clean something. Let me brood on my problems myself._ Others!?! ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/2 "2005-04-26T01:04:11Z")
Ha, ha,ha! That’s funny! _Shut up and go away_ ---
**Author:** ![Keapon\_Laffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e274bd/32.png) [@Keapon\_Laffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Keapon_Laffin)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/3 "2005-04-26T01:48:08Z")
That dress does \*\*not \*\* make your ass look fat. _Personally, I blame the burgers and fries._ I love you. _I’ll say anything to get laid._ Yes _Yes_ No _No_ ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/4 "2005-04-26T02:35:36Z")
“I only have eyes for you…” _Just don’t have a hissy-fit if one or the other strays from time to time_ “Oh, I’m sorry…Did I leave the toilet seat up again?” _What’s the big fuckin deal, I lift it 99 times out of a hundred…you can’t lower it once?_ “In sickness and in health, 'til death do us part” _…Or until my until they lock me away on death row_ “Compared to you, she’s a dog…” _…gone hottie!_ “Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free?” _I should’ve listened when they told me you always lose your shirt in cattle futures_ “Oh, I’m coming, I’m coming” _…Cuz going is just too damn expensive_ ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/5 "2005-04-26T02:54:52Z")
That was the best sex EVER! \*That was the best sex ever, because you’ve denied me sex for a week. But that’s obviously my fault. … \* I like that dress on you. _That dress actually looks good on you, but you’ll never believe it, because it feeds your inferiority complex to think that every man, woman and child hates your arse._ ---
**Author:** ![Atheist\_Princess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@Atheist\_Princess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atheist_Princess)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/6 "2005-04-26T04:48:54Z")
“Honey have you seen…(followed by any article of clothing)” _I’m WAY too lazy to look for it, you do it_ “You look great” _Lets have sex_ “I’m hungry” _Make me food!_ “Come on its getting late, lets go to bed” _Lets have sex_ “What do you want for your birthday?” _Your sister rang to remind me. Whats cheap, easy and doesnt involve me?_ “Would you like a massage?” _Lets have sex_ By no means stereotypical…he may actually have remembered your birthday. Or maybe he’s asking for a massage. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/7 "2005-04-26T04:55:10Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > “I only have eyes for you…” > _Just don’t have a hissy-fit if one or the other strays from time to time_ > > “Oh, I’m sorry…Did I leave the toilet seat up again?” > _What’s the big fuckin deal, I lift it 99 times out of a hundred…you can’t lower it once?_ > > “In sickness and in health, 'til death do us part” > _…Or until my until they lock me away on death row_ > > “Compared to you, she’s a dog…” > _…gone hottie!_ > > “Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free?” > _I should’ve listened when they told me you always lose your shirt in cattle futures_ > > “Oh, I’m coming, I’m coming” > _…Cuz going is just too damn expensive_ Excellent. _snerk_ Go out with your girlfriends, have a good time. _And bring the hot one home for a threesome_ I was just about to call you _But I threw away your number two days ago_ ---
**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/8 "2005-04-26T05:04:30Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > “Why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free?” On the chnce that these two threads won’t be conjoined at some point, let me give you the woman’s rebuttal to this one: “Why buy a whole pig when all you want is a sausage?” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Hook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@The\_Hook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hook)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/9 "2005-04-26T05:07:28Z")
> [@huk24](#): > > How was your day? > > I like that dress on you. > > That was the best sex EVER! > > Nothing is wrong, I’m fine! I’m a guy and when I say these I mean: How was your day? I like that dress on you. That was the best sex EVER! Nothing is wrong, I’m fine! ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/10 "2005-04-26T05:33:37Z")
“I don’t want to talk about it.” _I can’t easily articulate my emotions._ ---
**Author:** ![Atheist\_Princess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@Atheist\_Princess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atheist_Princess)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/11 "2005-04-26T05:39:25Z")
> [@Enola Straight](#): > > “I don’t want to talk about it.” > > _I can’t easily articulate my emotions._ Couldn’t have said it better myself… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/12 "2005-04-26T05:47:09Z")
I couldn’t either. And that makes me feel… well… I don’t want to talk about it. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/13 "2005-04-26T05:59:37Z")
Aww. I am still laughing over the “cattle futures” one. ---
**Author:** ![unclviny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e274bd/32.png) [@unclviny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/unclviny)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/14 "2005-04-26T06:09:26Z")
So if I start a thread bashing women is everybody going to think it’s funny or would it be offensive?. Unclviny ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/15 "2005-04-26T06:11:05Z")
> [@unclviny](#): > > So if I start a thread bashing women is everybody going to think it’s funny or would it be offensive?. > > Unclviny I thought we were just poking a little fun, not bashing. There is a similar thread about women going, though. Note: I think men are terrific, but they are fun to make fun of. Just like women! ---
**Author:** ![unclviny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e274bd/32.png) [@unclviny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/unclviny)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/16 "2005-04-26T06:15:34Z")
I just saw the “equal time” thread. I have been having problems lately with the whole “put upon wife” thing. Unclviny ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/17 "2005-04-26T06:18:19Z")
> [@unclviny](#): > > I just saw the “equal time” thread. I have been having problems lately with the whole “put upon wife” thing. > > Unclviny Ah. Gotcha. Sorry 'bout that. ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/18 "2005-04-26T06:20:09Z")
Decoding man-speak is pretty easy. He means pretty much exactly what he says. And if he’s saying nothing, he’s thinking about either 1) nothing, 2) sex, 3) food, or 4) videogames (if he’s a nerd) or sports (if he’s not). Or maybe I’m just not all that deep. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/19 "2005-04-26T06:23:29Z")
Yeah. Uh-huh. _nods_ _Stop talking_ Whoops, commercial’s over. _Please stop talking_ Let me finish [writing this e-mail | writing this note | reading this article]. _For the love of God, would you please stop talking!!!_ ---
**Author:** ![griffen2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ce7236/32.png) [@griffen2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/griffen2)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/20 "2005-04-26T06:37:20Z")
Wow, you really take care of your appearance! _What the hell are all these beauty products? Microdermabrasion system? Sounds like a bioweapon. Oh God, stretch mark cream! Oh well, at least she’s not putting it round her mouth._ I’d love to buy you a drink/cup of coffee _Since I can’t have sex with you yet, can I at least make you a captive audience while I fantasize about it_ You…you _faked it_? _Pbbbhtt, BFD. I’ve been faking our entire relationship_ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097.md?page=2)