# decoding man-speak **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 26, 2005, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097 "2005-04-26T00:44:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![griffen2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ce7236/32.png) [@griffen2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/griffen2)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/21 "2005-04-26T06:59:17Z")
I need you. _My hand is tired_ From [here](http://www.geocities.com/shane2e/sexes.html) ---
**Author:** ![Othersider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/cab0a1/32.png) [@Othersider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Othersider)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/22 "2005-04-26T07:20:37Z")
“Let’s take your car.” _Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers, and is completely out of gas._ “Have you lost weight?” _I’ve just spent our last $30 on a new toy we don’t need, but I had to have anyway._ “I missed you.” _I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we’re out of toilet paper._ “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” _No one will ever see us alive again._ “It’s a guy thing.” _There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it seem logical._ ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/23 "2005-04-26T07:44:48Z")
“You’re a great girl.” _I’d screw you if you gave me a quarter of a chance, but bear in mind I will always go back to my evil ho of a fiancee, who has me under a tight system of mind control so that I don’t even care if she sleeps with other guys because I know she really loves me!_ Not that I am bitter. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/24 "2005-04-26T13:02:37Z")
That’s a lovely [article of clothing] you’re wearing. _That’s a lovely [body part] you’re wearing it on._ Let’s have lunch. _Let’s have dinner._ Let’s have dinner. _Let’s have dinner, drinks, dessert, shameless flirtation, and hawt munkey luvvin’ afterwards._ May I call you? _May I ball you?_ ---
**Author:** ![mouthbreather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@mouthbreather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mouthbreather)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/25 "2005-04-26T13:29:12Z")
When men burp, what they mean is “When can I expect my BJ?” ---
**Author:** ![Atheist\_Princess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@Atheist\_Princess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atheist_Princess)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/26 "2005-04-26T13:36:56Z")
> [@mouthbreather](#): > > When men burp, what they mean is “When can I expect my BJ?” would I be correcting that when they fart, this means “When can I expect my sex?” ? ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/27 "2005-04-26T15:01:01Z")
(my wife takes business trips) Geez, you’re gonna be gone three days? That sucks. _Pizza! Beer! Titty movies!_ What time do you get back? _When do I need to start shoveling out the debris?_ ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/28 "2005-04-26T15:10:53Z")
1. “What are you thinking about” “Nothing.” _means_ “Nothing.” 1. “What’s the matter?” “Nothing.” _means_ “Nothing.” 1. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” _means_ “I don’t wanna talk about it.” Ladies, the difficulty in talking to men lies in the fact that you are giving us way too much credit for introspection and subtlety. When we tell you that we’re thinking of “nothing”, that is _precisely_ what’s going through our head at the moment you asked the question… nothing. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/29 "2005-04-26T15:32:02Z")
I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who said, > [@](#): > > You ladies want to know what we men are thinking? You really want to know? Okay, I’ll tell you. > > Nothin’. Like **JohnT** said, I think you give us entirely too much credit. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/30 "2005-04-26T15:34:10Z")
> [@SolGrundy](#): > > And if he’s saying nothing, he’s thinking about either…4) videogames (if he’s a nerd) or sports (if he’s not). Where do I fit if I’m often thinking about sports video games? ---
**Author:** ![Ace309](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ace309/32/1050_2.png) [@Ace309](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ace309)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/31 "2005-04-26T15:45:13Z")
“I’m sorry, I’m just a little distracted.” A) _“Ho. Lee. Shit. Did you see that set of 38DDs that just bounced by?”_ or… B) _“I NEED A FUCKING CIGARETTE! If I go for a cigarette now, you’ll screech at me like a harpie, but I NEED A FUCKING CIGARETTE!”_ “I’m not a tit man.” _“… exclusively.”_ “Those are cute shoes.” _“Hey, I think those heels pump you up to just the right doggystyle height.”_ “Nice earrings!” _“Shit, she’s on to me. Better throw her for a loop.”_ “And the belt… you’re really well-accessorized today.” _“I bet they’d look fabulous on the floor together. All except the shoes. You need them to pump you up to the right height.”_ “I don’t **want** a girl drink, but I don’t want to go all the way down the hall for one of my bottles.” _“Please make me a girl drink. I’ll pout while I’m drinking to keep up appearances and we’ll never speak of it outside this room. Just don’t tell me what it’s called. I’ll never forgive you for the time you told me I was drinking a Cowboy Cocksucker.”_ ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/32 "2005-04-26T15:48:30Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who said, > > Like **JohnT** said, I think you give us entirely too much credit. I’ve been with my wife for 18 years now (10 married, 5 engaged, 3 “just dating”) and just _last year_ she says to me: “You know, I just realized that when you say that you are thinking of “nothing” you _really are_ not thinking about anything. How do you do that?” ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/33 "2005-04-26T15:52:12Z")
Another thing… When you ask a man a question about his thoughts/feelings, he always adds a qualifier to your question: _… at this precise moment in time._ We could spend 3 days brooding over something, but if you ask us that question during those moments of sunshine when we’re not brooding… “What are you moping about _at this precise moment in time_?” “Nothing.” See? Makes perfect sense! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/34 "2005-04-26T17:26:48Z")
My ex used to carp at me when I would do the ‘man thing’. You know, just sit and stare into space, communing with my thoughts or thinking about a hamburger. “How can you just sit there doing nothing?” “Why don’t you read a book?” Probably for the same reason that you can’t seem to leave me the fuck alone when I’m like this. What _is_ it about a man doing nothing that just infuriates a woman? My present spouse is a gem. Almost none of the bullshit that seems to be the domain of so many women. I love her to death. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/35 "2005-04-26T18:55:58Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > I’ve been with my wife for 18 years now (10 married, 5 engaged, 3 “just dating”) and just _last year_ she says to me: > > “You know, I just realized that when you say that you are thinking of “nothing” you _really are_ not thinking about anything. How do you do that?” See, that’s because woman nothing=nothing I want to talk about right this minute or maybe that’s just me. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/36 "2005-04-26T19:20:18Z")
Man Says: \*\* What’s for Dinner?\*\* Woman says: **Blah Blah Blah** Man Thinks: **It’s not Steak and a Blowjob _again, rats._** Man Says: **Want me to help put on that sunscreen on your back?** Man Thinks: \*\*This is foreplay. \*\* Woman Says: **Let’s just cuddle** Man thinks: **It’s foreplay!** Woman and man make eye contact: Woman Thinks: **It’s meaningful conversation and he really understands me.** Man thinks: **I’m gonna get some!** Woman:\*\* I’m PMSing…sorry.\*\* Man think:\*\* I knew it before you did but I’d still bang you like a chinese gong if you weren’t so bitchy right now. Woman: \*\* Why do you flip through the channels so fast and never stay on anything…ever?\*\* Man Thinks: **Because I’m looking for tits or sports.** Woman: \*\* And the Stooges are funny because?\*\* Man Thinks: **You would never get it in million years.** Woman: **Wouldn’t it be fun to go see a Broadway show?** Man Thinks:\*\* I can feel my testicles retreating into my body.\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/37 "2005-04-26T19:56:27Z")
What a Woman Says: Take out the garbage, could you do one thing off the honey-do list today? blah blah blah blah blah What a man hears: Go watch some sports…ok by me! ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/38 "2005-04-26T20:19:17Z")
This game is almost over. _…Hour, hour and a half, tops._ ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/39 "2005-04-26T20:25:59Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > Woman: \*\* Why do you flip through the channels so fast and never stay on anything…ever?\*\* > Man Thinks: **Because I’m looking for tits or sports.** Bayes’s Rule, baby. > [@LifeOnWry](#): > > “Why buy a whole pig when all you want is a sausage?” Fantastic. I’ve always hated that women=cow quote. It is beyond stupid. ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/40 "2005-04-26T21:32:13Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > Where do I fit if I’m often thinking about sports video games? Hmm… It probably means that you’re gay. Sorry, dude. Them’s the breaks. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097.md?page=3)